Sample Resignation Letters

Leaving a job is hard. Resignations letters don't have to be! We provide samples to fit any career move, from lateral to transcendent! 

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving Position- New Puppy

Dear <Boss>,

I’m writing to inform you of my intent to leave <Company>, effective immediately. I can’t bear to spend another second away from <Dog’s Name>, my new <breed, if you’re into that sort of thing/puppy>. I’ve been distracted and working with less than my usual full capacity, in part because <she/he> has been keeping me up all night with rousing games of tug, chase, fetch, and bite, but also because <principle job duty> is soooooo much less fun than puppy cuddle time! I apologize for the lack of notice, but every second I’m away from <silly-sounding pet name> is another second I miss <her/him>. Plus, I’m pretty sure my last pair of shoes is about to be mistaken for kibble. I’m hoping to return to work once <second silly-sounding pet name> is done destroying and eliminating on most of my valuables, so please drop me a line in 4-6 months to let me know how things turned out here.

D’awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving position- Toxic work environment

Dear <Boss>,

I’m writing to inform you of my intent to leave <Company>, effective <date>. I want to assure you this has nothing to do with the recent changes in the dress code. Rather, it is about what that change represents. This most recent change in corporate policy merely confirmed a suspicion I have had about <Company> for quite some time. Rates of sick leave are way up, turnover is high, and everyone seems to be dropping dead from exhaustion. Couple that with the radioactive green sludge leaking all over and the wild hallucinogenic mushrooms growing in the lunchroom (which I will miss), and it’s clear: this is a toxic work atmosphere. Maybe it started when <Coworker> got the promotion to safety inspector despite a clear lack of qualifications, or maybe it started when <manager> accepted that chemical weapons storage and destruction contract. Whatever the source, it’s poisoning my work life and (if my most recent round of bloodwork is to be believed) not giving me super powers. I’m leaving for greener… well, at least less glowing pastures.

Toxicicitly,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

New Position: Higher Calling

Dear <Boss>,

I am writing to inform you of my resignation from <Company>, effective immediately. I regret that I was not able to provide more notice, but to be fair, this is a once-in-a-millennium opportunity! I have received word and direction in a way that neither I, nor most everyone in the history of humankind, could ever have predicted! While I could not immediately comprehend the message, after long thought and careful study, I have realized that what I have received is indeed a calling from a higher power. To decline this call would be a terrible waste of potential as well as an offense to said higher power. I am new to this higher calling business, so I apologize if there were signs that I missed that would have allowed for a more complete and thoughtful transition of my duties. Unfortunately between healing the sick (or whatever) or opening rifts to alternate dimensions, I will be too busy with my new tasks to assist in the hand-off of my clients. Hopefully they’ll follow me now on a new path to <redemption/inner light/peace of spirit>, and my limited time here at <Company> will be remembered fondly in history books and religious texts!

Going Up!

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving Position: Tired of being surrounded by Children

Dear <Boss>,

It is with great relief that I write this: I QUIT! Well, to be more formal, I am resigning from <Company> effective immediately, but I don’t know why I should be expected to be the most mature person in the office. I am sick to death of being surrounded by such CHILDREN! I deserve to work in a more adult environment that would allow for my own personal development, rather than spend all my energy cleaning up the messes of those around me. While I have appreciated the stabilizing presence of <Coworker> and the benefits and salary that go along with working at <Company>, but the good of this job no longer outweighs the stress and disorder. It is my sincere hope that someone with more patience and composure than I have is chosen to replace me. I, in the meantime, will be seeking employment in a more grown-up environment.

Wasn’t cut out for Daycare,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving Position: Out of the “Good Pens”.

Dear <Boss>,

I am writing to inform you of my intent to leave <company> in two week’s time or if I run out of ink. Whichever occurs first. For many years, I have been able to depend on having many <favorite pen brand and model> pens on hand at any given time, but it is clear those good times have come crashing to an end. In what has to be the most misinformed of budget cuts, <company> has discontinued its purchasing relationship with <pen company> and now is relying solely on the discount (and totally CRAP) ink of <cheap pen brand>. While my complaint may seem petty, I don’t know how <company> could make such a radical change without an equivalent reduction in performance standards- how unfair to be held to <good pen brand> levels of performance with only <bad pen model> pens to use! I don’t know how I will transition, much less thrive in such a hostile work environment. 

In only the finest ink,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving Position: Drunk

Dear <Boss>,

I regret to inform you that I appear to have a strange impairment that I don’t have a remedy for. While I feel certain that I am standing upright in the office, it feels quite like my head is submerged in a vat of swirling porridge. My vision is untrustworthy, and while I feel like I can hear things, if I were a bat, I’d be lost completely, since I can’t determine what direction voices or sounds are coming from.  My supper appears to be attempting a jailbreak, and I am sweating profusely. Perhaps this is a temporary condition. Perhaps I’ll feel better in the morning. I feel like that is a lofty gamble that will leave me in even more pain than my current situation. I’m not 100% certain that the restroom I just used wasn’t actually the photocopier, and if it was, I do sincerely apologize, but visual hallucinations may also be a symptom of my new state of being.

Dazed and Confused,

<Your Name> 

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving position- Operating system no longer compatible

Dear <Boss>,

While all of my coworkers were installing their most recent round of updates, I was made aware that my operating system was no longer supported, and hadn’t been in quite some time. In addition to not receiving an update, I have not been able to install any of the programs that we were told about in the recent staff meeting. While my coworkers are all using electronic mail with great satisfaction and using tabs and folders to keep it organized, I still have to wait for the daily post arrival. In addition to my jealousy over shared access to networks (rather than having to retrieve printed files from the cabinets in the basement), I feel like access to these “spreadsheet programs” would really increase my efficiency and productivity. I have always appreciated that the computer I was assigned came equipped with Oregon Trail, and I have enjoyed playing it on my lunch breaks, but I feel like I would be better off with a computer a bit more sophisticated than a typewriter. I can’t help but feel somewhat personally slighted by this situation, and would like to see it amended, or else please accept this letter as my official two week’s notice of my resignation from <company>. I’d resign immediately, but I just started a new game, and haven’t lost any of my party to dysentery yet...

Trying to change with the times,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving Position: Cabin Fever

Dear <Boss>,

I don't mean to be unappreciative of our recent time off, but I'm going to have to leave <Company> if we have another snow day. While the first few days cancelled due to snow were fun throwbacks to childhood, I tire of being stuck in the house! <Position Title> does not have much opportunity to work from home, so I have been stuck with domestic work in the interim. I cleaned all I'd like to clean. I've shoveled and swept and tidied, and have realized that if I don't go back to work soon, I'll lose it! So please accept this as notice that if we have another snow day, I'll take to the streets looking for a new place of employment. I hope this won't be necessary, and that we can return to regular operations tomorrow. But on the chance we do not, let this serve as my official resignation!

Feverishly,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leave of Absence- SNOOOOOOW!

Dear <Boss>,

As you might have noticed, a lightweight but cold and slippery substance has fallen from the sky with quite some tenacity since yesterday. While usually a small amount of hazard on my way to work would not cause me to hesitate on my way out the door, the degree to which this precipitation has accumulated has given me pause. It appears to be completely covering both the road and my car, in a rather intentional-looking way. I fear that to disrupt the white powder would only aggravate it, and increase the risk to myself. Hopefully the weather returns to a safe temperature again sometime soon, and at that time I will happily return to work. In the meantime, I’ll be here, trying to set the white stuff on fire with my mind… or perhaps a flamethrower if I can find one.

Tired of this already, <Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving Position- Measles

Dear <Boss>,

No, this isn’t an Oregon Trail joke. I wouldn’t be quitting over something so frivolous. That would be, at most, a leave of absence. No, I’m leaving <Company> because I’m legitimately terrified of a disease that had been nearly eradicated in the US 30 years ago. So please accept this letter as notice of my resignation, effective immediately. I’m going to hide in my basement and not have contact with anyone until we develop population immunity against this terrifying disease. Think I’m overreacting? So did <Coworker> until <he/she> and I spent 30 minutes on Google Image search. There are two ways we can develop population-level immunity. One way is to emulate drug-resistant bacteria and suffer through a thousand generations of large-scale death until it doesn’t bother us anymore. The other would be to vaccinate the population. Since we can’t seem to agree on the latter, I’ll just wait out the former far, far away from people. I’d like to thank you for the opportunity to do so much good for the human race here at <Company>, but in retrospect, the human race can eat it.

Measley,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leave of absence- Birthday

Dear <Your Name>,

As you <may/may not> have noticed, there was no Sample Resignation Letter yesterday. That is in celebration of the first of <likely relatively small number> of years of operation, and totally not because the authors are lazy jerks. Please accept today’s double letter as <thanks/retribution> for yesterday. Thank you for reading, and don’t forget to tell your friends- winners never quit, unless they have a resignation letter perfectly crafted for the occasion!

Birthily,

<Our Names>

[quitletters-blog]

Leave of Absence- Restoring Karmic Balance

Dear <Boss>,

I regret to inform you that I will be taking a leave of absence from <company> for at least two months, effective immediately. According to my <holistic doctor/yoga instructor/online quiz result>, my Chakra is off and my Aura colors are all wrong. I had been searching for the source of my imbalance, and finally, during a guided dance therapy session, realized that it was definitely the stress of “working for a living” and “having a job”. It’s clear to me that I need to focus on what is really important, like the energy that comes from every living thing and myself, not pesky annoyances like returning phone calls or file formats for reports! You can call me misguided, but I don’t think that I am doing myself or <company> any good by being here with the wrong Aura balance and Chakra color! I will be excited to return refreshed and renewed, with the right energy and spiritual alignment for the task at hand. And just to put your mind at ease, this is definitely, completely unrelated to the pending <audit/worker’s comp lawsuit/investigation> and is 100% necessary for my personal well-being.

Oohhmmmm,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving Position- Reanimation Magic Wearing Off

Dear <Boss>,

I regret to inform you I’m leaving <Company>, effective in <remaining duration of reanimation spell>. I had hoped to postpone this sad moment as long as possible, but the flies have started to gather and my flesh has already begun to decompose. Without wishing to dwell on the grisly details, I have been dead for quite some time. My angry spirit was able to coerce a neighborhood necromancer to reanimate my body using dark powers, ancient magic, and the blood of the innocent. Turns out you should never trust a necromancer who bids that low- the blood donor’s lawyer only got <him/her> off on a technicality! The cheapskate is now nowhere to be seen (talk about lousy customer service…)! For a while, I thought I could scrape together enough cash to find myself a proper necromancer, but I’ll never make it with what <Company> pays. So, I figured I’d get ready for a good, long dirt-nap.

For good this time,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

New Position- Yes-person

Dear <Boss>,

I’m writing to let you know I’m leaving <Company>, effective immediately. I’ve decided to pursue my true calling: blind agreement. It seems there’s no shortage of demand for people willing to agree with any proposition. I learned that after I asked one of the foremost experts in the field about it. There’s also plenty of room to grow. I might begin by assenting to basic factual propositions as a yes-intern. I’d be responsible for agreeing that the sky was blue or that 15 was a larger number than 11. Eventually, I could move up to agreeing enthusiastically with controversial statements, like that the 3rd Godfather movie was a valuable addition to the series, or that cricket is an accessible sport for lay people. The best of the best, like my insider, suggested that senior-level yes-people are responsible for agreeing with unintelligible, illogical, or stupid ideas, like yellow cat butter is a sin, or yes-people add value to an organization with positivity. That will always be the dream, at least. Until that day, I’ll just be generally agreeable far, far away from here.

Affirmatively,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving Position- Failed performance-enhancing drug test

Dear <Boss>,

I’m writing to inform you of my intent to resign from <Company>, effective immediately. I have received an advance notice of my next drug test. I know <Company> wouldn't necessarily fire me for failing, but I’m a big believer in accountability and want to save <Company> the time and trouble of testing. This test will show that I was positive for a bevy of performance enhancing drugs, including caffeine to boost my mental focus in the morning, chocolate to stave off the urge to kill, glucose to power my various metabolic functions, and alcohol to silence the constant inner monologue of failure, hate, and regret. In short, I have been taking a number of performance-enhancing drugs. I understand there will forever be an asterisk by my employee of the month award and my sales record. I have already added one on my “World’s Greatest <Mom/Dad> coffee mug, to avoid disappointing my children. I fear no part of my performance has been untainted by my chemical indiscretions, and so I think it best if I leave. I’ll devote my free time to meditation and therapy. I’m sorry for the damage I have done, not only to myself, but also to <Company>, and the face of <Industry>.

Not here to talk about the past,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving Position- Planning Ahead

Dear <Boss>,

I’m writing to inform you of my intent to leave <Position>….sometime. This isn’t my two weeks’ notice, or my 6 months’ notice, or even my 1 year notice. I just thought you’d like to know I’ll be quitting eventually. I don’t plan to die here, is I guess my point. Sometime between now and the end of my life, I will be quitting. There will be some number of days left in my lifespan when I leave here. I understand that this eventuality will be tough on both of us, so I’d like to give us both the time to start making a transition plan. It’s certainly not urgent, but this way we can both devote our spare time between now and some indefinite point in the future planning for what we’ll do after that inevitable, though distant, time prior to my demise. Thank you for everything you will have done up to that point, and I will have been very grateful for the opportunity.

Timely,

<Your Name>

[quitletters-blog]

Leaving Position- Don’t Like People

Dear <Boss>,

I am not sure why this is coming to a surprise to anyone, and I don't think it needed saying. I hate you. I mean, I’m leaving. Definitely leaving, not that I don't hate you, though. Don’t take that personally. I hate everyone. It speaks to exactly how incompetent and useless everyone around here is that I wound up in a position where I am not only required to interact with people on a daily basis, but my office is located in a space that is literally surrounded with other people. I don’t understand how nothing has come of my daily complaints about the presence of people around me, or how I've avoided official reprimand for my uncompromising, transparent hostility. That I was selected employee of the month seems way more like an insult to everyone else here than a compliment to me, which is why I was so proud to receive it. I assume that the goal of giving me this award was to build my resume as I search for a new position, to give the appearance of quitting while I’m ahead. I’m going to take that hint and get out of here and see if there isn’t an opening in the fields of cave-inspecting or sensory-deprivation chamber testing.

Hell is other people. Though mostly you,

<Your Name>