She was surprised that Sky had asked her here. Not unhappy, just⊠bewildered. Ever since she had given her soul, moments like these had nearly ceased to exist. It was a foreign feelingâbeing estranged from the person she loved most. It felt a little like being stuck on the outside looking in at what her life used to be except every part of Sky was as fractured and wounded as her heart.
There was a time where unhappiness was just the way of life. She stayed invisible, emotions buried so deep she could hardly identify them at all. A small part of her wished she could revert to that now, but meeting Sky had colored her world so beautifullyâso inordinately wondrous that she could hardly regress now. No, she wouldnât surrender to circumstance regardless of how hard Sky tried. If there was an answer, she would find it, for moments like these would not exist without hope, and as tragic as it was, lying with the broken pieces of Sky topped living with the shell of who sheâd become any day.
She could do it though. She could live without Sky. Sheâd done it before, and if it came down to it, the bodyâs natural instinct to survive would come through. Sheâd live⊠but she didnât want to. Not like that. There was happiness before Sky, and thereâd be happiness after her too. Ryder would make sure of that, but the happiness because of her? That was irreplaceable. And the loss was devastating. But tonight? Tonight was almost normal. Tonight was theirs.
âItâs beautiful,â she answered, voice soft and small. âI understand the chemistry behind it all, of course, but thereâs nothing quite like invention. Seeing it come to fruition for the very first time would have certainly been something. Itâs hard to believe that all thisââ Her eyes stayed locked on the view, for looking at Sky and not being able to kiss her was simply unbearable. ââstemmed from bamboo tossed into fire.â
She stuck to the facts; to certainties. It had been a long time since something as simple as holding hands or kissing was even remotely questionable, and it left Tanner both stiff and heartbroken. What were the rules? Tonight, she felt vulnerable and honest, but what did that mean? Was it some sort of breakthrough? If so, what had caused it? Were there new parameters? Was she coming home? Tanner couldnât bear to ask.
She stayed quiet, letting her words sink in. There was so much yet so little to unpack, and she wasnât sure she wanted to analyze them at all. The probability of nostalgia answering her questions was too much. Tonight, she wanted to live.
It was easier said than done, with her mind. But it wasnât impossible. She bit her lips together as though to collect herself and looked down, despite feeling her girlfriends eyes bearing into her. Slowly, hesitantly, her hand inched towards Skyâs. Her fingers trailed gently against her skin, sliding across her wrist and slipping beneath her palm. She drew a slow circle into her palm, before interlocking their fingers loosely. It was a calculated risk. Sky could pull away at any second, and it would leave her even more shattered and broken than moments before. Or, she could hold on. She could grant her this one moment before she did whatever she had to do to shut it all out. Had it been anyone else, she wouldnât have done it. But Sky was worth it. She was worth the risk, and she was worth the wait, and however it shook out, she was worth the pain. She was worth it, worth it, worth it. She was worth everything. So she held her hand, and with baited breath, she said, âMe too.â
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