can they let the guy try again
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH

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@raaatk1ng
can they let the guy try again
wasnt a failed assassination. it was a successful long-range ear piercing by a deranged claires employee. they force femmed him. because of woke
Facebook sometimes isn’t a terrible place
small brain “hotel california is about drugs” normal brain “hotel california is about the music industry” giant brain “hotel california is meant to be taken completely literally and The Eagles are still trapped there”
galaxy brain “hotel california is a negative yelp review with a 2 minute guitar solo”
God, listening to John Mulaney talk about doing hard fucking drugs in his youth is like hearing a nun reminisce on her last orgy before she converted. What do you mean you didn’t come out of the womb with a fatherly demeanor and crippling anxiety?
The hardest drug I can picture John Mulvaney doing is a bottle of tums
a fools guide to not wanting to die anymore
by me, a fool who doesnt wanna die anymore
never make a suicide joke again. yes this includes “i wanna die” as a figure of speech. swear off of it. actually make an effort to change how you think about things.
find something to compliment someone for at least 4 times a day. notice the little things about the world that make you happy, and use that to make other people happy.
talk to people. initiate conversation as often as you possibly can. keep your mind busy and you wont have to worry anymore
picture the bad intrusive thoughts in youe head as an edgy 13 year old and tell them to go be emo somewhere else
if someone makes you feel bad most of the time, stop talking to them. making yourself hang out with people who drain you is self harm. stop it.
… 8|
That’s some pretty good advice. I don’t know what’s left of my humor after ‘guess I’ll just die’ jokes but it’s worth a shot.
Personally i went from “guess I’ll die” jokes to “IF I HAVE TO BE HERE FOR 5 MORE MINUTES I PROMISE YOU I WILL BUY JUST, AN ARRAY OF CLOTHES.” and other wild hyperbolic stuff. Just replace the death part with something ridiculous and off topic. Its very entertaining
This also works with calling myself things like stupid, worthless, trash, etc. Even if you do this jokingly to yourself, your brain still believes it, and keeps up the cycle. Seriously, I found that when I stopped saying these things about myself, even jokingly, it made a massive difference.
Here’s a tip I picked up from a friend that’s helped me a lot — replace self deprecating jokes with ironically self aggrandizing jokes
Like every time I trip and fall, instead of saying “l’m just a disaster human” I say “I’m the epitome of grace and beauty”
Or like, when I draw a picture I’m not 100% happy with, instead of saying “my art is trash” I say something like “you know I think it’s time we replaced the Mona Lisa”
When you do that you get to make a joke, but you’re ALSO getting practice building yourself up, y’know?
And eventually it becomes a reflex and you get so used to it that you can say nice stuff about yourself even when you AREN’T joking
This is so important
Lance: I can’t believe you live nearby and you won’t let anyone crash at your place.
Keith: You people already know too much about me.
Lance: I know exactly three facts about you and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.
coherent people are the worst..like stop making sense for one fucking second. say some nonsense every once in a while. literally so boring if i can understand every word you say like shut up or say some dumb shit i swear to god
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inspired by @foulguy’s post
we just out here. eatin dirt. bein gay.
Kim Dorland - Ghosts of You and Me
some ppl who grew up with siblings didnt rly Grow Up With Siblings. like if you and your brother are 10 yrs apart u just dont get it… if you had siblings within 3yrs of your age you had the genuine experience of primitive undeveloped human brains pummeling the shit out of each other because none of us have developed frontal cortices and the laws of man don’t apply in the confines of this house
whenever i see a frog on a lily pad im like yeah man… thats exactly where youre supposed to be
that’s what god says when he sees me crying in a taco cabana bathroom
in this essay, i will explode
I can’t wait to use snap map so everyone in my friend group knows I hang out in the sewers making little dresses for rats who hate and bite me