Kimiko @rabb1t-h0les - Tumblr Blog

So therefore I dedicate myself to myself, to my art, my sleep, my dreams, my labors, my sufferances, my loneliness, my unique madness, my endless absorption and hunger - because I cannot dedicate myself to any fellow being.

Jack Kerouac (via quotemadness)

Some days when the moon is high, I will close my eyes and let the silence envelop me for just a moment and breathe whilst I lie - to myself, on the ground. I am alright I tell myself, I am alright I convince my body. Eyes shut tight lest my vision be revealed blurry. Quiet, oh so quiet with hands cradling trembling lips holding captive crippling cries. They tell me that I am too young to feel the touch of pain bone deep. And I have no proof to show and no peace to keep. Some days as the sun rises high, I open my eyes to meet demise in my reflection. I am alright I tell myself, for I have made it through the night. All shakes and tears and loss. I am alright I convince my body, as it stares back only with pity.

Kimiko, November 18, 2019

I knew better than to build homes in other people. I knew better than to bare my heart to the world unguarded. For they are ravenous wolves lying in wait, blinded with hunger. For they are the ocean grasping my fate within their flippant waves, threatening to leave me beyond repair. I was sharp and obtuse, but you have softened me. Now I am crumbling pieces, dissipating, unrecognisable. But nevertheless my heart still goes a wandering searching for vacancies. Still I reach my arms out into the cold, expecting warmth. My feet moving on their own into the deep, the water slowly rising above. Searching for salvation in the drowning. Hoping to find belonging within the moments between the pain. Is it strange that this is the closest I’ve ever been to calm? I knew better than to build a home within the impermanent. Now there is nothing left but myself kneeling on hollowed out ground where foundation once laid. Sullied, bruised, bloody. Here I am left like an insect to the flame, without a hope, without a chance. I knew better, I tell myself, I knew better. But knowledge does no good to the heart whose own beats drown out the world around it.

Kimiko, August 12, 2019

When I was little I used to fantasise about love and how it was a beginning. Like it was a warm and cosy summer day, a lit candle in darkness. As I grew older, love proved to be a cage without windows. A sweltering heat that has left me with third degree burns. A candle tipped over burning down what was left of my sanity. I am terrified of my feelings. I know that when given the chance, I will set myself alight with foolish hope and burn myself down in the process.

Kimiko, February 10, 2019

They say that beauty comes from the inside, so I have learned to savour the taste of her favourite flowers. Maybe one day she will come to look at me with those same eyes full of wonder. My teeth are stained red, but I know not whether it is from the roses or from biting down these confessions at the tip of my tongue. Weary, I am so weary from carrying this heaviness on my heart. No one ever told me of the crushing weight of love on your soul. They say that love is patient and kind, so I have learned the art of waiting for her eyes to graze over me as she looks for him in the crowd and have perfected my smile while I listen to her gush over her feelings for him. All the while deluding myself with the belief that one day that will be me. That will never be me. All the while convincing myself that I am okay with the fact that I am alone with my love and that she is not alone and is in love.

Kimiko, August 04, 2019

//Marionette// (12/20/18)

Was it satisfying? Did it satisfy you to watch me like this?

Struggling to breathe, choking on these realisations.

How you didn’t want me anymore, in fact you never did. That in the end, I was only entertainment for you, a pawn in your sick little game.

Did it make you laugh watching me trip over my feet whilst running to you, for you?

Did the thought of me thinking of you twist a smile at the corner of your mouth?

All these thoughts were running through my mind, but my mouth couldn’t register how to speak anymore. For my tongue has been rendered useless.

Heavy is your gaze as I fell to the ground clutching at my chest, begging my heart to pump. Gasping for breath, urging my lungs to not collapse on me. Not yet, not just yet.

Just as I muster enough strength to look up, I see you walking away.

Was it satisfying? Did it feel good to know that you had this much control over my body?

How did it feel to play puppet master?

-Kimiko, //Marionette// (12/20/18)

Just breathe they say. But the air around me is toxic and my lungs are burning. Stop running they say. But the walls in this room are closing in on me and I need to get out. Just cry it all out they say. But my tears are acid streaming down, tearing through my skin. Stop screaming they say. But the voices in my head are so loud and maybe this will help drown them out. It’ll be alright they say. But the world around me is imploding. Nothing is going to hurt you they say. But what if I am the one hurting me?

Kimiko, //Self-destructive Tendencies//(01/20/19)

Something about your eyes eerily sets me at ease. Like the ocean. Like I could take a dip in these waters. Like I could get comfortable and lean in to float. Like a warm bath at the end of a long day. Like bubbles rising, bursting, gasping, drowning…

Kimiko, (02/17/19)

Moderation

They told me we should want not, and that which we allow ourselves we should have in moderation. So here I am eating crumbs of bread going stale and moulding. Here I am withering away, bony and severe. Here I am, a bouquet of dried and yellowed forget-me-nots.

Did you ever love me? Was leaving me to diminish to this state your “moderation”? Because it seems to me that a ravenous beast has clawed at my heart and torn it out of my chest. It seems to me, as though all I had ever thought I wanted had been given and taken all in the same night.

One by one my petals drop to the floor. One by one till I am left bare. You loved me, you loved me not. Forget you, forget you not. You loved me, you loved me not. Forgive you, forgive you not. I go over these words in my head for what seems like hours. Time has passed and still I am left unanswered, still I am left alone.

- Kimiko, //Moderation// (02/10/19)

Don’t believe a word I say. I’m a snake, and this silver tongue spins lies through my teeth. Tangled in this web I’ve weaved. Unravel me, Love. Unravel me..

Kimiko, //Tangled in Deceit// (01/3/19)

In these bouts, I feel as though I could fall out and how it would be better so if I did fall out. That way, I wouldn’t have to continue living in this moment. Because I was terrified. I feel so weak and light as though I were a feather that could be blown away at any moment - far, so very far away. As though I have no control, as though this were a dream - a terrible, terrible dream. Nothing ever happens of course, but all the same I cannot shake this awful, foreboding feeling. All the while waiting, waiting for the devil to approach the sill of my mind and drag me under. Again.

Kimiko, //Lightweight// (02/10/19)

Reflections

I look into a mirror for the first time in weeks.

Eyes that used to search you out. Ears that used to hang onto your every word. Hair that you used to caress. Fingers that used to be intertwined with yours. Arms that used to return your embrace. Toes that used to step on yours whilst we danced. Lips that used to receive the most love I had ever been given. When did this body of mine become an extension of yours?

I close my eyes and run my fingertips over every feature in hopes to grasp any remnants of you. Choking back tears so as not to wash you away. I want to hold onto you just a little bit longer. Just a bit longer.

- Kimiko, //Reflections// (02/10/19)

//Still Waters//

At some point, this heart for you became a habit. And my addictive personality can’t seem to break away from this. I don’t want to break you. This day to day of wading still waters. How did we become so dependent on this routine love? When did we resign ourselves to our feelings? Is still love, still love?

And suddenly I’m drowning.

-Kimiko, //Still Waters//(01/20/19)

Everyone keeps telling me to stay away from you. They warn me to be wary of you. They say that you’re the bad guy. One look, and I forgot all about them. In my head I know that they are right about you - but wait are they? How can anyone so bad, feel this good? I can’t help but feel that whatever ‘this’ is, is so right. With every touch, I’m melting-or am I burning? The thought came to me that hell wouldn’t be quite so bad if I were with you.

Kimiko, //To be in love with the Devil// (12/23/18)

rabb1t-h0les

How can it be so hard to say anything to someone you so desperately want to hold onto? How all I can seem to manage is this feigned sense of normality. I don’t want you to tell me that it is going to be okay. I know too much, too well to ask of such a thing. It never has been, it isn’t, and yet I suppose some bit of my heart hopes that somehow it is still possible. But I would never allow that. I am far too fucked up to allow myself that. All I want is for you to hear me. I want you to hear this jumbled mess of emotions and disoriented thoughts and pain and this goddamned gnawing feeling that never seems to end…and maybe, just maybe, understand…or at least try to. But maybe that is too much to ask. But maybe I’m too far gone for that. But maybe I never want this to end. But maybe I enjoy this torturous silence. Maybe I want to spare you this. Maybe I want to spare myself that moment of being completely naked in front of you - all together too fragile to stand, like glass just waiting to be shattered, as if one single breath could destroy me indefinitely - praying to god that you don’t leave.

Kimiko, //Glass Anatomy// (12/10/18)

(via

rabb1t-h0les

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They keep telling me that things will fall into place, but everything keeps falling apart around me instead. Time is supposed to heal, so why am I still bleeding? Timing is the answer, right? So why are you still so far away from me? Patience is a virtue, but I've never been much of saint.

Kimiko, //Timing//(12/24/18)

I’m going through the motions. Never been much of a dancer, but this world has me spinning, spinning, spinning out of control. I’m dizzy, tripping, falling over my anxieties. “It’s all about your mindset” they say, but brakes are worth nothing if they've stopped working.

Kimiko, //mindset like a car crash// (01/06/19)

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