â don't love me at the surface . . .
love me like it's now. â
á°.áđïž have something on your mind? any requests? don't be shy, tell me đđ!
masterlist . . . đč writing marathon . . . đč most recent work! . . .
Game of Thrones Daily
will byers stan first human second
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@rafeslovebug
â don't love me at the surface . . .
love me like it's now. â
á°.áđïž have something on your mind? any requests? don't be shy, tell me đđ!
masterlist . . . đč writing marathon . . . đč most recent work! . . .
hii! iâve been missing your fics and all so i hope youâre doing well!â€ïžâđ©čđ«¶đŒ
hellooo! i appreciate you telling me this smm âčïž i've been well, don't worry đ i'm sorry for the sudden âdisappearanceâ, i've just been out of motivation lately and will be continuing my studies soon hehe i promise i'll come back when i'm very much more inspired đ«¶đđ
thank you for tagging me @ibeetlebum đč
đ·ïž: @weepinglucy , @aestrzee , @outerbnaksdeer
last song: wet dream (it's you) â jxdn
favorite color: pink!
currently watching: house (on and off)
current obsession: this one guy whose name idek
last google search: parallel parking (just got my license hehe)
currently working on: writing more , daily journal writing , fixing my yolo mindset cause i just embarrassed myself because of it , trying not to compare myself with anyone & completing my 2026 bingo đ
THOSE EYES . . .
đđ â can't have you looking at me like that. â
à Ë. á”á” pairing : fwb!rafe x reader
à Ë. á”á” contains : smut, piv, unprotected sex, creampie, swearing, marking, slight manipulation (?)
đ§đ¶ now playing . . . MINE - BAZZI đȘœâ
the relationship between you and rafe were clear, the deal had been made long before it started. you took it seriouslyâunderstanding the boundaries set between the two of you without any complaintâwhy would you not when you did agree to it, right?
but it's way different for rafe. he acts like they don't exist, crossing the line every single time just to apologize and promising not to do it againâwhich is a lie. he swore that it was the too much hennessy he had, not realizing how he had broke everything on the list knowing full well he did it because he wants to.
it was another night where you find yourself with him, face buried in the too many pillows in your bed with your ass up in the air, his hands holding them in place. he was lost in the pleasure you seem to give, eyes shut as he pound into you from behind. he was gripping your skin so hard you're sure it'll bruise the next day.
A whole lotta chat gpt in here đ«©
MY FIRST AI ALLEGATION!
1. WHERE did you even get that from? i write most of my fics straight on tumblr, saving them to my drafts before completing and posting them.
2. english is NOT my first language so i tend to google most sayings or even idioms, making it look a bit too casual, i guess? but that's such a non-issue.
3. if it's because of the â usage, i'm sorry, but you're really shallow for thinking that only ai can use them when it's literally used in most writings by REAL people. i even had to search up on how to really use it. plus, they taught this in school (for me, they do, so..)
4. if you think that you're doing something by spamming people's inbox on how they're using ai for their fics, YOU'RE NOT. you're actually just ruining someone's motivation to do something that they enjoy. my blog isn't the first one to be filled with this kind of asks.
+ i don't support any kind of ai usage, but this is not the way for you to do it.
5. i'm taking this as an INSULT because ai tend to produce lifeless, emotionless writings and i don't see how my fics are any of that when i pour my whole heart into them.
+ don't tell me you had my writings scanned by AI for any ai usage. if so, you're just feeding human writings to ai, making you just as bad as the people you're claiming to be using ai.
á°.áđïž i was going to ignore this ask, but it has been messing with my head the past few days so pls stop this kind of thing going on towards me or any other blogs when you're not even sure if it's true or not.
genuinely what do i do if i have 20+ ideas for rafe fics but i canât choose only one to finish and i keep going back and forth because im greedy and my attention span is fucked?
these fuck ass scenarios just keep coming to me and i canât do anything about it.
this is so real đ
â .⊠ĘË GOODBYE . . . ex!rafe x reader
in which . . . you finally knew your worth, leaving rafe to deal with his own consequences. side note: a continuation to never getting laid!
warnings . . . none! maybe a bit cringe, but who cares hihi
MAN'S BEST FRIEND writing marathon . . . fic #12
â this concept is fully inspired by @delilahsturniolo !
a week had passed, the words rafe had said from last saturday still clinging to your mind even after you had cried so much you almost fainted. the promise you told yourself to move on ended up being broken after you keep answering his calls, helping him get off when he needs you.
you didn't show up physically, of course, but he had insisted on hearing your voiceâclaiming to miss them so much it's driving him crazy.
this goes on for exactly three weeks before he had decided to âwin you overâ, finally realizing how much he needs youâhow much you really worthâin his life when he shows up at your door with that kicked puppy look on his face and flowers in his hands. you thought that it was clichĂ©, already went through this for the hundredth time with him, but you still let him in.
"i don't know what else you want me to say," he huffed, leaning forward with both his elbows on his knees as he sat on the couch in your living room. "i apologized, i bought you flowers, and you still can't seem to forgive me for whatever reason there is that you won't tell me."
"well, you can't just talk shit about me and come here to satisfy your needs with some shity flowers in hands." you rolled your eyes, leaning against the doorway to the living room, wanting to stay as far away from him as possibleâjust so you won't give in easily this time. "what the fuck does that even mean?" he run his fingers through his hair, clearly frustrated now.
"don't act like you don't know, rafe. âi have her one call awayâ, âshe'll show up at any time i want because i have her wrapped around my fingerâ." you repeated his exact words, mocking the smug in his voice the moment he had said them so confidently without realizing he had set himself up. you can see his face dropping when they hit him right then and there.
getting up from the couch, he went straight to youâtrying and failing to take your hands in hisâbefore he went down on his knees in front of you. "babyâ" he tries again, but you had slapped his hands away from touching you even the slightest bit. "you know i didn't mean any of that. it was justâan act, you know how they areâ"
"you had a choice and you chose that." you pressed, crossing your arms against your chest, "you can't have your cake and eat it too. you got a pat on the back from them so you lost me, sorry not sorry."
he panicked when you start walking away towards the front door, clearly on your way to kick him out of your house. "fuckâjustâjust let me explain!" he stood, following you like a lost puppy before stepping in front of you to stop you from walking away again. "it's my fault, okay? i'm wrong and you're rightânow, can you forgive me?"
"of course, i forgive you." you said matter-of-factly, making him smile so wide you're sure his cheeks are hurting. without another thought, he stepped forward to wrap his arms around you, but ended up going a few steps backwards after you pushed him away. "but that doesn't mean we can go back to what we were. that is if there were anything between us, anyway."
"what? but you forgave meâ" he frowned, still not getting it and it only made your patience thinner by the second. "yes, rafe! i forgave you, but i'm not letting you back into my life again."
you pushes your way through to the front door, opening it as you motion for him to get out. "you walked out on me once and i know you wouldn't hesitate to do it again. clearly from the words you had spoken that you haven't changed even a bit so adiĂłs!" it was comical the way you had said it that he thought you were joking, but seeing the look on your face, he knew he had messed up big time.
he was still standing there, looking at you as if he didn't hear any of the words you had spoken. "hello? do you not understand what i had just said?" you wave a hand right in front of his face, making him blink in surprise.
letting out a defeated sigh, he starts walking out of the house, making his way to his truck. he can still hear you even after he had walked a few steps away from the porch, "goodbye, sayonara, adiĂłs!" almost too cheerfully, as if you're so proud of yourself for finally letting him goâyou are. "por siempre te amoâwait, noâ!"
he was halfway into his truck when he heard you, but before he could say something about it, you were already closing the door with a quick "cheerio!" leaving him to stare at the now closed door.
it doesn't matter if you still love him at this point because he know that he doesn't deserve any other chance there is in this whole world when he had treated you so wrong. he had made his bed, now he had to lie in it knowing that you won't come back because he was the one to say goodbye first.
and that means he's losing you for life.
đ divider creds :â @enchanthings
taglist: @ssugartalkin , @drewstarkeyswife-7 , @literallygabbie , @virgovamps , @st8rkey , @leonkennedyscums1ut , @ladywistledownxo , @angelicameron , @wtfisastiles , @user13456789 , @skel-skell
á°.áđïž well, that's the end of the writing marathon huhu i'm sorry if i didn't reach you guys' expectations, or even misinterpreted the songs đđŁ thank you for joining in on the marathon with me! i'll have a bonus fic later hehe đ
YOU OUGHTA KNOW, ex!rafe cameron.
summary: dating rafe cameron was an absolute bliss. yet apparently, it didn't take rafe long to find a replacement for you; same hair, same smile, same voice. just older, more elegant, and a more mature style of living. things went messy when you riled each other up during a dinner party. that night, you made sure to remind him of the mess he left when he went away.
content: angsty smut with 1,5k worth of plot/build-up, ex!switchy!rafe x dom!reader, reader mentioned as pervy, equally trashy-mouthed rafe and reader, subby!rafe, slight dryhumping, unprotected p in v, blow&handjob, cheating, almost caught
a/n: first smut content i've done đ€
How do you put the love you two had into words? There's truly no words mankind could ever make up to explain how deep and devoted your love was to him. You were willing to give him your heart and soul if you could, you were convinced he was too. Well, to be exact, at least he used to be. Everything was so perfect. He adored and spoiled you all day every day. Looked at you like you were the center of the universe, his world orbiting around you as do yours with him.
Now, every turn in Figure Eight will always lead you back to the same view; Rafe and his somehow always dolled up doggone girlfriend. Sometimes you wish you had it in you to convince yourself that he's only dating her to look good, solely for image purposes. That at the very least, he's not in love.
But when you saw his eyes, it turned out his eyes saw only hers.
A totally unoriginal older version of you, just wiser, more level-headed, poised, trophy wife material. She was anything but the perverted you that went down on Rafe in the middle of a shitty movie in a dark theater. An absolute goddamn priss, she was; something the Rafe you knew wouldn't even bat an eye towards back then. What made you want to throw up even more was that at some point, they seemed somewhat cute and sweet together.
oh me oh my đŁ
frat boy!rafe learns that topper had sex in his car
mean rafe, car sex, finishing inside, hair pulling. 0.7k words. âfrat boy!rafe x bug!readerâ
helloooo????
iâm still not over olivia rodrigoâs song, lacy. could you do a one shot based on the song..? maybe the reader is with rafe and she sees his ex, vice versa, literally anything đ« i just love the way you write him đ©
ANGEL DUST . . .
đđ â i want to be someone who actually deserves to be with you. â
à Ë. á”á” pairing : bf!rafe x reader
à Ë. á”á” contains : angst, insecurity, body dysmorphia (pls let me know if i'm missing anything or got anything wrong!)
đ§đ¶ now playing . . . LACY - OLIVIA RODRIGO đčđż
á°.áđïž i think i went a little bit too overboard with this one... this song has it's special place in my heart fr âïžđ thank you smm for the request and i hope you love it, anon! đ«¶
it was sarah's birthday party with too many people being there to celebrate her, including every single one of her friends. both you and rafe had just arrived, a wrapped up giftâobvious from the imperfections that you had done it all by yourselfâin your hands as you cradle it to your chest almost nervously, but rafe's hold around you had somehow comforted you more than you would admit.
you went straight to her then, a smile plastered on your face as you hand her the gift, "happy birthday," before nervously adding, "i chose it because it reminded me of you, i hope you like it." pulling you into a hug, sarah couldn't stop the thank you's tumbling out of her mouth before urging you to enjoy the party.
the food there caught your eyesâespecially the desserts and pastriesâthe sight there filled you with awe as you had the plan to try every one of them. rafe brushes a hand on your lower back, "i'm gonna go talk to the others," as he gesture towards his group of friends, "will you be okay here?"
guess who passed their driving test (MEEEEE!!!!)
Hi I hope you're doing good! <3
can you write something very angsty/hurt with rafe x reader for example reader ( she is a pouge) confessing her love but rafe doesnt feel the same cause shes a pouge but later then he proposses to sofia and rafe and reader meet eachother everywhere like the bike race and they have this tension rafe feels something somehow for her like always felt
I hope this helps of course you can write what you want it's up to you this is just a little help :)
Thank you and take care! <33
Pairing â rafe cameron x fem!reader
summary â After Reader confesses her love Rafe Cameron rejects her because sheâs a Pogue. A year later she discovers heâs engaged to Sofia, but when they unexpectedly meet again at the races the tension between them makes Rafe realize he may have made the biggest mistake of his life
Warnings â angst, unrequited love, emotional hurt/comfort, class divide (Pogue/Kook dynamics), rejection, tension, mentions of engagement
A/N â Thank you so much for this request! I'm doing well, just tired but I'm going to bed as soon as I post this. I hope everything is okay with you too! I'm so sorry you had to wait so long, but it took me a while to write this. I hope you like it!
this is soo ughhhh
hello!
are you gonna write more for kindergarten teacher reader and single dad rafe?? like fluff and stuff?
i ammm and i actually have a few ideas on itt hehe i'm open for any requests and ideas đ«¶
hi!! iâve been loving your mbf marathon so muchh. i saw that you wrote a drew fic with the song âsuch a funny wayâ, and i was wondering if i could request it for rafe as well? i feel like it would work sooo well for him, but if not thatâs totally okay!! also iâm literally not ready for the marathon to end :( lolol
omg yes!!! i'll gladly do it for you 𫥠working on it and will be posting after the marathon ends hehe
i'm soooo happy that you love the marathon and so not ready for it to end, too đ although i have a few doubts about it being good lolll
thank you smm for the request and your sweet words đ«¶đ«¶ i'll be tagging you when i post ittt!!!!
â .⊠ĘË HOUSE TOUR . . . single!dad!rafe x kindergarten!teacher!reader
in which . . . a blind date with a single dad? heck, yeah!
warnings . . . awkward rafe (only in the beginning đ), smut, oral (f receiving), tit sucking, piv, unprotected sex, creampie, swearing, praise kink (i think), side note: i'm bad at this
MAN'S BEST FRIEND writing marathon . . . fic #11
â this concept is fully inspired by @delilahsturniolo !
the fancy restaurant was everything you had expected. never once were you able to go there by yourself, so when you were set up in a blind date by one of your friends in this specific restaurant, you know you just have to do it. that's how you get yourself waiting for a man, almost leaving when it took you two glasses of drink finished in the span of time.
you got up from your seat, already walking away from the reserved table as you sigh to yourself thinking that you've been stood up when a voice calls out from behind you making you turn on your heel. "how long have you been waiting?" he was out of breath, trying to keep himself composed, "i'm so sorry, something came up last minute and i didn't have your number. i'm such an idiot!"
your mouth were agape, not once expecting for this to happen as you stand there in silence. "please, have a seat." he calls out, already making his way to your side before pulling your chair back out for you to sit. he fixes his tie right after sitting down, trying his best not to be awkwardâand failingâapologizing once more, "i'm truly sorry. this wasn't apart of my plans at all."
seeing how nervous he looks, you try your best to assure him, "it's okay, i understand." with a smile that made him falter slightly when he made eye contact with you. "let'sâlet's order first?" he asks, scratching his eyebrow as he calls for the waiter. the both of you spent the next few minutes ordering, him telling you to order whatever you want even if it's too much because he had made you wait. you refused at firstâacting like you areâbut ended up ordering half the menu.
the two of you were left alone right after, him clearing his throat as he try to start a conversation. "what do you do for a living?" he asks, and you can see how he's trying not to curse himself out for asking the most boring question ever, holding in your own laughter at how cute he's being. "i'm a kindergarten teacher," you nodded to yourself and his eyes widened slightly as if he wasn't expecting it at all. "shocking, i know."
"what? noâi didn't meanâ" he stutters, thinking that he had screwed everything up all because he couldn't hide his own reaction. taking a deep breath, "it's not shocking. i just didn't think that a kindergarten teacher would go out on dates like this, you know?" that made you laugh, did he think that someone with an occupation like you doesn't have a personal life? "i messed up again, didn't i?" he closed his eyes in embarrassment when he sees you laughing at him.
"we do get a little too caught up in our work, if that's what you're trying to say." you're smiling ear to ear now, trying to suppress your own laughter as you bit on your lower lip. he sigh, "i'm actually so bad at this because it's been a long time since the last date i've been to." as he shook his head with a smile tugging on his lips, looking at you now. you couldn't help yourself, but stare into his eyesâbeautiful eyesâas you listen to him talk.
"and how did it end?" you softly ask, chin propped on your palm with your elbow on the table. "it didn't end well." he hesitated at first, rethinking every decision he's about to make before letting out a breath, "and before this go any further, i think i should tell youâor warn youâ" both your hands were on the table now as you wait for him to continue, a bit nervous from the way he's acting. "i have a daughter."
"i'm a single dad," he closes his eyes then, "you can leave now if you want, i'm just telling you now so that you won't feel like i'm lyingâ" you stopped his rambling by taking his hand in yours, making him look at you. "i appreciate you telling me now," you started, "but i really don't mind." if anything, it only turns you on even more. a responsible man? yes, please. your answer made him smile almost too widely, his teeth now showing. "really?" he was in disbelief.
"yeah, it's not like you're a serial killer or something." a beat of silence, "or are you one, too?" you awkwardly add, your smile dropping comically that it made him laugh. he shook his head, "i can assure you that i'm not,"
"well, that's a relief." you let out a sigh, all the awkwardness melting away now that his nervousness seems to fade away as he continue laughing.
dinner went well, you learned many things about himâsome of them being unexpectedâand you tell him things about you just as much. when you ask him about his daughter, he would tell you everything about her with nothing, but fondness in his eyes like she was everything to himâshe is.
the night air hits your bare shoulders when the two of you step out of the restaurant, walking side by side along the sidewalk in a comfortable silence. "so," you started, and he hummed, "so," dragging the word out before stopping in his tracks to look at you. "i should get going," you can almost see the disappointment in his face when you say it, clearly not wanting the night to end.
"yeah," he scratches the back of his head, looking away from you rather awkwardly. you hummed, kissing his cheek as you tell him goodbyeâyou can see him turning red just a bitâalready pulling out your phone before walking away. "waitâ" his voice calls you out, his footsteps getting closer towards you yet again. "how are you going home?"
you show him the screen to your phone, "uber." as you try to continue what you were doing, but he stopped you before you could go any further. "let me send you home."
"really?" you ask in disbelief, never experiencing this type of date before. most guys you went on a date with were pretty much assholes, never once caring about you after the date ended because in their exact same word, you're the most boring person they had gone out with. "yeah," he says almost breathlessly, already leading you to his car.
the drive was surprisingly wasn't filled with awkward silence as he try to converse with youâyou thought that it was kinda cute of himâand you telling him the directions to your house. you don't know why, but you actually trusted him in taking you home, even telling him the exact address to your house without a doubt. the car came to a stop, the two of you sitting there in silence before you turn to look at him.
"thank you for dinner, i had a really great time." you hummed as you nod towards him. both his hands were still on the steering wheelâlike he was holding himself back from doing something he shouldn't, "i had a great time, too." and as if he had remembered something, he took off his seatbelt, telling you to wait before rounding the car to your side to open the door for you.
you chuckled when he held his hand out for you to take, "thank you," but he didn't let go of your hand even after you had gotten out, with you not making any effort to do so, too. as if something had strike up an encouragement inside you, "do you want to come in?"
his silence scared you, thinking that he's probably thinking that you're weird for even asking that on a first date. "it's okay if you don't want toâi was just, you know," it's your turn to trip over your words now, already trying to pull your hand away from his, but he had only tighten his hold on yours. "i'm sorry that was soâ" you tried again, but before you can finish your rambling, he's already leaning in for a kissâit was almost rushed, both his hands holding your face nowâyou can hear him whispering "fuck it" to himself as if to reassure himself.
you melted almost immediately into the kiss, arms wrapping themselves around his neck as you pull him closer. he backed you up until your back hits his car, his hand going down to pick up one of your thighs to hold them against his waist as the other one went down to your waist to pull you closer against him that you can feel his chest against yoursâhis heart beating so fast it was actually turning you on knowing that it's from the effect you have on him.
that's what led the two of you hereâyou laying flat on your back with your dress pushed up your waist as he bury his face there, in between your legsâyour panties were basically ripped off from you, leaving you bare in front of him. the buttons to his shirt were undone, tie left forgotten as he grip your thighs to pull you closer with his tongue diving into you like a man starving.
you can feel yourself getting closer, moaning out his name as your fingers went down into his hair, "'m so close, rafeyâ" you whine out, pulling him closer. he can sense it from the way you're pulsing around his tongue that you're close, but before anything could happen, he pulls away from you making you whimper out of frustrationâhe was teasing you.
"need to feel you around me when you do, yeah?" you can see the smirk plastered on his face as he kisses his way up from your inner thighs to your stomach, pushing the dress further up with him. he stopped in his tracks when he sees your bare chestânipples hardening from the air hitting your skinâpulling away just to get a better look at you. "beautiful,"
and without a warning, he latches his mouth around one of your breastsâtongue swirling around your nippleâmaking you arch your back, urging him closer as his hand went up to cup the other one. you were a mess under him, hands going to his shoulders as you grip onto his shirt. he pulls away for just a second to shrug his shirt off, throwing it somewhere around the room just to let you mark him properly.
you can feel him leaving marks here and there before switching to the other side of your breast, but you couldn't care less at that moment. his grunts against your skin made your whole body shook, feeling too much at the moment.
when he had given your breasts enough of his attention, he pulls away to kiss youâdeepâmaking you moan into the kiss when you feel his tongue moving against yours. that's when he fully takes your dress off of you, leaving you bare in front of him. his stare made you falter slightly, moving your hands to cover yourself up just for him to stop you with a click of his tongue, "no hiding from me."
you swear you felt yourself getting wetter if that's even possible at that point.
not wasting any second, he unbuckle his belt before pushing his pants down along with his boxer, your mouth falling open to the sight of him. "you're drooling," he chuckled, hand going down to hold you by the chin so you're looking at him and it only made you even more breathless. lining himself up to your entrance, you gasp when he nudge his head in.
"are you okay?" his voice was soft, opposite of what the two of you're doing as he brushes your hair away from your face with his free hand. "mhm," you managed to let out, nodding your head as you look at him, but he shook his head as he pull away from your entrance and you whine at the loss. "use your words, baby." you bit your lower lip to the nickname, closing your eyes just to keep yourself composed.
"yesâ'm okay," you whimpered, already shifting yourself closer to him that it made the smirk on his face wider. without any warning, he pushes himself into youâinch by inchâburying himself deep into you. your eyes fluttering shut at the feeling, hands reaching out for him blindly. he leaned down, peppering your face with kisses to distract you before moving inside you.
it felt so good, you thought, but it wasn't enough. "faster, please," you whine out, arms wrapping themselves around his neck. he didn't say anything, wrapping your thighs around him tighter as he moves, the sound 'plap, plap, plap' filling the space of your room the faster he gets. you can feel him trailing kisses everywhere he can reach, leaving marks here and there as your nails scratch the skin on his backâthe pain urging him closer.
"fuck, you feel so good." he grunts out, forehead dropping to your shoulder when he feels you clenching around him. you can feel him getting closer, not missing the way he's pulsing inside you. without another thought, you lock your ankles around him to stop him from pulling out.
"need to feel you inside me, rafeâ" you whine out, pulling him closer to kiss him and instead of slowing down, he went faster as one of his hands went down to where the two of you are connected to circle his thumb around your clit. you were seeing stars at that point, head spinning as nonsense keep tumbling their way out of your mouth.
"shit," he whimpered out, his forehead dropping onto yours as he finally spill himself inside you. you can feel him painting your walls white with his release as he slow down his pace, riding you through your highs. when he finally pulls out, you feel yourself clenching around nothing at the loss. his eyes were stuck to the mess between your legs, his own release spilling out of you as he pushes them back in using his own finger making you whine as you try to close your legs.
he laughs softly at that, hovering over you before leaving a kiss on your forehead, "you did so good f'me," and it only made you rub your thighs against each other at the compliment. the awkward guy at the restaurant? gone. you don't know what you had expected from the blind date set up by your friend, but it surely is not this.
from how good it was, you're not even questioning the fact that he's a dad because he had shown you exactly why he is one. are you complaining, though? nope.
đ divider creds :â @enchanthings
taglist: @ssugartalkin , @drewstarkeyswife-7 , @literallygabbie , @virgovamps , @st8rkey , @leonkennedyscums1ut , @ladywistledownxo
á°.áđïž i know, i've said this before, but this will actually be my last time writing smut fr fr i'm so bad at it âïžđ«© also, what do we think about this pairing? đ€
AHHH LOVING THE REBRAND OMG đ«¶đ«¶
THANK YOU SMM BBYY!!! đ«¶
â .⊠ĘË DON'T WORRY I'LL MAKE YOU WORRY . . .
in which . . . you're lying to yourself as much as you're lying to rafe, but you would never admit it.
warnings . . . angst, reader being avoidant
MAN'S BEST FRIEND writing marathon . . . fic #10
â this concept is fully inspired by @delilahsturniolo !
staring up the ceiling, thoughts ran through your mind as you lay there in the dark. rafe was asleep by then, curled on his side with his hand reaching out for you, leaving you to ponder. it wasn't supposed to be like this, no. you were there to make up your mindâto actually decideâafter the few days you had spent ignoring him, but how were you supposed to say no to him?
it's not helping how it was annoyingly good, making it worse.
it all started because you had decided to finally call him back a week after he had spent basically spamming your phone with calls and texts from him. he thought that he had done something wrongâthought that he had broke your heartâand made you mad to the point you're giving him the silent treatment.
what he doesn't know is that you're fighting the heavy feeling in your chest everytime you think about him, about how far the two of you had taken this 'relationship' to. you don't know how to explain it, is it guilt? it felt almost sinful that it keeps you up at night, just thinking about it alone. your heart won't stop it's abnormal beating everytime the thoughts come running through your mind.
he had picked the phone up as soon as it rang, didn't even think twice when he saw your name on the screen as he says almost breathlessly, "hey," you can hear him letting out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. "hi." your voice was barely above a whisper, fingers fiddling with the end of your shirt.
"haven't heard from you for so long. are you okay?" his voice was hopeful, almost too excited to hear your voice after the time he had spent imagining it, "i've been waiting." he added right after, like he had rehearsed it before. it made your heart flipped, not sure what you're feeling after hearing him telling you that. what you know is that you don't like the feeling at all, wanting it gone as soon as possible.
the thing is that every single time you see him, every single time you ended up spending more time with him, you felt okay. you felt like you want to feel this way for the rest of your life, wanting nothing more, but to be with him.
until he would drift off to sleep right next to you, leaving you pondering everythingâevery single little thingâto the point you would leave his house, walking home feeling disgusted with yourself for letting it happen when you were supposed to do the opposite of it. that's when you would ignore him, leaving him hanging as you avoid every possibility of you meeting him.
so when you see his truck parked right in front of your house, you know that you can't avoid it any longer.
a knock to the front door, "i know you're in there. justâplease, talk to me." his voice calls out from the other side. you were just a few steps away from the door, heart pounding through your chest as you thought about what would happen when you finally open it. his eyes widened slightly when he sees you, scanning your face as if to check whether you're hurt.
"i was worriedâ" he was on the verge of tears, about to break down right in front of you, but you had cut him off before he could. "what are you doing here?" your question caught him off guard. what do you even mean by that? why else would he be there except for you?
"i'm here because you weren't answering your phone," he shook his head in disbelief, "i don't understandâdid i do something wrong? you were fine the day before you disappear on me, leaving me waiting for you like an idiotâ" he was furious, angry towards himself for not being able to understand you when it's the only language he want to learn, but can't seem to be able to.
you cut him off again, "gosh, rafe, can't you read the signs?" and it made him feel like he's physically crumbling right there in front of you. it would be a lie if he didn't notice them, he wasn't an idiot, but he kept telling himself that it's nothing just so he could be with you.
"no, the real question is that do you even know what signs you're sending?" he couldn't stop himself from raising his voice, frustration building up. "one second, you're okayâwe're okayâlike you actually want this whole thing to happen, like you're actually mine just as much as i'm yours. then the next second, it's like something had switched inside your head, making you leave me without any warning, leaving me questioning where i actually stand in your life!"
you were taken aback by his sudden outburst, not sure now what you're actually trying to do this whole time when it's being questioned in real time. guilt starts spreading itself inside you, your heart feeling heavier now that it made your breath stutter.
shaking your head, you mask every emotion you're feelingârefusing to let him see this side of youâwith a straight face. "you deserve someone stable, rafe. i'm not the one for you, your friends had made it clear the last time they found out about me. i'm an emotional lotteryâ!" your voice breaks without you wanting it to as you look away from him.
"i don't give a fuck about what they think, okay!?" he was pacing around now, trying to calm himself down, and you had to hold yourself back from reaching for him like you would always do to comfort him. "the only thing i need to know is that do you love me?" his question made you freeze. do you love him? there's no right answer for you and you know it.
if it's a yes, then you would be stuck in the same loop of guilt bearing in your chest, leaving you questioning your choice, but if it's a no? you would lose him forever. you don't know which one would be worse.
so you try to reason with him, "your dad doesn't like meâ" only for him to grip the side of your arms, shaking you slightly as he forces you to look at him in the eyes. "it's not about him. it's about meâabout us! can you stop thinking about the others now, for fuck's sake!" he gritted his teeth, trying so hard not to hurt you, but his patience were running thin.
tears well up in your eyes as you stare into his. he could see your answer just by looking into them, but didn't expect for what you were about to say next, "no, i don't love you." like it was the final answer, the only right thing for you to say right there to his face.
he could physically feel his heart breaking in his chest, but the only thing he could do was nod, letting go of his hold on you as he steps back. regret starts spreading through you when you see the look on his face, but you know that it's too late now that you had dropped the final answer for him. he was already making his way to his truck when he turns back.
"you know, you actually fooled me this whole time. i really thought that you loved me, but i guess you're just so good at lying. too good." he chuckled humorlessly, shaking his head in disbelief. disappointed with himself for not seeing it from the startâfor actually letting himself fall for itâas he get into the driver's seat before driving off without sparing you another glance.
you were left alone then, feeling far from relief like you thought you would feel after everything had ended. well, at least he'll never let himself go through this again, never letting himself worry so much like he did towards you because you're the only person who could tick that side of him like no other could.
đ divider creds :â @enchanthings
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