[dirtylittlebookworm]

Look guys, sex isn’t like you see in the porn. It’s not all perfect and seamless and constant go go go. It’s this rug hurts, can we move it? and can you back up a little bit? and oops, you’re on my hair and oops, I just threw up a little bit on your dick and crap! the toy just ran out of batteries and oh god, my knees, I wasn’t made to bend that way and giggles and mistakes and ouch, you’re hurting my hair and all sorts of fun stuff. Enjoy it. That’s how it’s meant to be.

[raging-viking]

I’m at a loss with finding erotica online. I don’t know how active the tumblr kink community still is, but I came here for a rant.

It feels like every piece of BDSM related erotica I find, is filled with disrespect - even rage, towards the submissive person. Often failing to acknowledge any humanity, communication or mutual respect between the kinky parties. There’s no talk of aftercare. Often, the Dom (In my case male) will be described as “having a new girl every week”, acting cool towards the teen girl he’s interested in, who then throws herself at him.

I know it’s supposed to be a fantasy. I know many people are probably into the same things I’m complaining about. But surely I can’t be alone in this?

I want the Dom in my erotica to have respect for his sub. I want her to submit to him because she trusts him, because exploring new things with someone who makes her feel save excites her! Not because he is older, she feels pressured or unsure, is scared of him etc.

OR, at least tell me her thoughts, how she knows this is wrong, but feels excited by him doing X or saying X. How she feels ashamed by doing something ‘forbidden’ - but is getting wetter than ever when he talks dirty in her ear while touching the small of her back.

My point: Don’t just make it seem brutal and dull. Please? I can’t take it anymore. I want the old tumblr back.

EDIT: if you send me porn I will block you.

[goodgirlsdoresearch-deactivated]

My neck is my most submissive body part.

See we’ve always had rough sex. Our natural D/s tendencies always manifested in the bedroom. It has never been uncommon for him to grab my neck and choke me, looking into my eyes, while buried deep inside of me.

But there’s more to it now.

Now, choking is random. It’s a surprise. It’s the way he shows me he is my dominant casually, like this morning.

I was sitting on the couch and then his hand was around my neck. My brain went from thinking about my to do list, to completely slack in the seconds it took me to gasp in surprise.

He told me I was his. He told me I was beautiful. I said “Thank you, Daddy” and he called me a good girl and walked away.

He came back and put his fingers around my neck again.

He relished my moan, my submissive mindset still intact.

He slapped me lightly across the face, kissed me, told me he loved me and then he walked out the door for work.

My neck is a trigger, and he uses it to bring me calm and quiet.

I am so thankful for this gift of a man I get to call my Dom.

I love you, Sir. 💝

[culturenlifestyle]

Photo Series Captures Women’s Faces Before, During & After Orgasm Challanges Our Ideas of Female Sexuality

[wnq-writers]

culturenlifestyle:

Topic: Photography, Feminism || by STAFF

See the 22 images here!

[cherishedproperty]

Red Flags for Dating as a Submissive

Here’s the most important thing I can say about dating as a submissive:

You are 100% entitled to maintain your boundaries right up until the point where you agree to give control to a partner. Anyone who says otherwise can fuck right off.

With that said, I’ve compiled a set of red flags I’ve come across in dating.

Red Flag #1: Passive Aggressiveness

When a submissive calmly raise a concern with a Dominant and they respond passive aggressively, this is a very bad sign. For D/s to work well, I firmly believe that both parties must be able to communicate honestly and openly. This is particularly important for submissives early in a relationship. Submissives who are not comfortable with something have to be able to speak up, or the dynamic is doomed from the start.

The passive aggressive Dominant shuts down this open communication. They aren’t interested in your comfort or your trust; they just want you to shut up and do as you’re told. “Fine, I won’t say it ever again.” No, that’s not what I said. But I was uncomfortable, and you didn’t care. Passive aggressive behavior makes no attempt to understand feelings or care for them. It puts earplugs in and does whatever it wants anyways. A person like this is dangerous, on either side of the slash.

Red Flag #2: Rapid Mood Swings

If someone goes from being incredibly excited to see you to lashing out in anger in the span of 20 minutes (and you did not, say, kill their dog), this is not a stable person. Rapid mood swings are a red flag in general, but in a Dominant, they can be terrifying. Submissives put so much trust in their Dominants to be a reliable, solid source of support. Rapid mood swings can destroy that trust. Again, this one is true on both sides of the slash. To be clear, it’s one thing to experience volatile emotions and quite another to lash out at one’s partner over them. Dominants who do this are incapable of controlling themselves, and for that reason, they should never be trusted to lead a D/s dynamic.

Red Flag #3: Guilt Trips and Manipulation

One of the most important traits in a Dominant is respect for boundaries. The things we do require so much trust that a submissive must know their boundaries are respected. Guilt trips try to needle you away from your boundaries into a space where you have not freely consented to give yourself.

“If you really loved me, you would…"—Oh? If you really loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do something after I’ve said no. Repeatedly. And given you reasons.

“You’re keeping me from being myself if you don’t let me do this.“—All I said was that I’m not ready yet. If your identity involves taking control from people who aren’t ready, then go be yourself with someone else.

“I’m the worst Dom ever and don’t deserve you."—I call this one the crocodile tear guilt trip. It’s designed to get you to say, "No, you’re wonderful.” And then they say, “Then why won’t you do x for me?” This faux self-pity nonsense is both weak and manipulative.

Red Flag #4: Invalidating Your Feelings

If you feel uncomfortable or unhappy or not ready for something, you are 100% entitled to feel that way. Now, a good submissive (or relationship partner in general) will try to understand those feelings and share the reasons for them to help their Dominant lead more effectively. And a good Dominant will listen and try to understand. But if a Dominant says you shouldn’t feel what you feel, that’s a red flag. If a Dominant brushes your feelings off as a sign of inexperience or lack of knowledge or any other thing, that’s a red flag. If you are uncomfortable, you are uncomfortable. Full stop. Maybe you will be more comfortable with talking and research and so on. But that does not invalidate your feelings in this moment. And any Dominant who tries to invalidated your feelings like that is not someone you can trust to take care of you.

Red Flag #5: Assuming Control in One Area Means Control in All Areas

It’s not unusual to give control in some areas before others. In fact, this is basically how it should happen. Gradually, submissives and Dominants build trust, and submissives offer more and more control to their Dominants. It’s a beautiful thing.

Many Dominants try to take too much control too early. They get twitchy sometimes because they know how to fix all the things if we would just let them have control omg now please. But good Dominants will recognize when they’ve overstepped and will step back. It’s a red flag when they don't—when they assume that control in one area entitles them to control everywhere.

Dominants do not have control unless you give it to them. Freely and enthusiastically. Period. Control in the bedroom, for example, doesn’t give a Dominant the authority to create new rules unilaterally. Especially early on. It’s a red flag when a Dominant demands new rules without first discussing them and understanding the submissive’s feelings. And it’s a flaming red flag when they get angry when you push back or say you’re not ready.

Red Flag #6: Overuse of the Phrase “Topping from the Bottom”

I don’t universally hate the phrase “topping from the bottom” as some people do. But I will say that 80% of the time I see it, it’s being used to manipulate an uncomfortable submissive into silence and obedience. This phrase is especially alarming when there is no committed D/s dynamic. In the early stages of dating, submission is more-or-less ad hoc. You choose to obey (or not) in every moment, as you feel comfortable. And you make that part of your ongoing dialogue about what you’re ready to give and what you’re not.

When a Dominant pushes your boundaries, you are entitled to say no. And if they say this is topping from the bottom, they can fuck off. Maintaining boundaries in areas you have not given control is not topping from the bottom. Maintaining boundaries when you are not in a committed dynamic is not topping from the bottom.

You cannot top from the bottom in areas where you have not consented to be bottom.

Red Flag #7: Questioning Your Submissiveness

“I pretty much figured out you aren’t really submissive about a week ago.” This came after a Dominant repeatedly stepped over my boundaries. This Dominant tried to unilaterally set a rule 2 weeks into us dating and got angry when I said I was willing to do a task but not have an established rule. Then a week later, this Dominant demanded more of my time. When I gave very specific, good reasons about my life being incredibly stressful for the next month or so, this Dominant told me I’m not a real submissive.

If a Dominant is going to insult your identity because you don’t follow rules you never agreed to, they can 100% fuck right off. Being a submissive is not about letting anyone with a D by their name walk all over you from the first moment they meet you. Anyone who expects that does not give a shit about who you are or what you need. They do not respect you. They will not take care of you.

Submissives have a right to boundaries, right up to the point that they freely and enthusiastically give control of those boundaries to their Dominants. Anger, instability, manipulation, and repeated overstepping are huge red flags in a Dominant. I won’t give my submission to just anyone, and I won’t give it to anyone who shows such entitlement and disregard for my boundaries. Especially early on. I know who I am. No one is going to make me question my submissive heart. Especially not someone so domineering and undeserving of my trust.

I’m sure this list is only the beginning. Please feel free to add to these with your own red flags.

[instructor144]

@cherishedproperty knocks it out of the park with this one. I’d rank this up there with her “Lean In” as a seminal essay.

[memoriesrecollected]

[hedonist-woman]

Emotional connection vs Play

I had a conversation with a friend who told me that I needed to figure out if I wanted emotional connection or play (of the masochist sort). It seems she is of the opinion that there cannot be both. I am of the mind there can be both, but perhaps that’s just me.

Fellow masochists, do you prefer both or do you have issues with emotions getting in the way of play?

Sadists, do you prefer emotional connection or do you just want to play? Or do you want both?

I’m just curious to know what others think and what they prefer, as well as their past experiences.

Feel free to share the post so others can weigh in. Also, please message me if you prefer to tell me in a private setting.

Thanks! :)

[accidental-muse]

I literally don’t know any other way than to have both, and I don’t think I’d want to. my emotions are my submission, there’s no part of me that knows how to separate the two, or engage in that manner without a real connecton. i know that works for other people, but it just doesn’t compute for me.

[firewalkwithmedaddy-blog]

Some people can totally do no feels, pick up play kink. I’m not that person. I can vanillla fuck pretty much anyone and have a grand time with no feels, no strings, never see you again, and please don’t call. But kink requires feelings for me. I’m not letting some rando choke me, or properly spank me, or put nipple clamps or a leash on me, or flog me or slap me. Not even for a scene. UNLESS my Daddy decided to set up and is involved in or directing the scene. But then it’s because I’m doing that to fullfill his will, to be his good girl. Because *that’s* my biggest kink. The only real exception to this is little/little play. Which feels a bit different to me. Because I’m choosing to engage in that equal playing field type of play with another little.

[nyxidervish-deactivated20210518]

Definitely need both whether I’m giving or receiving pain. Can’t open up that Pandora’s box of vulnerability without the emotional cushion to catch me. But I can imagine others might feel differently. Gotta find a play partner who jives with your vibe…… that is seriously the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever written wtf Nyxie mate.

[christiandomme]

I don’t have to have Forever Feelings for someone to be a scene top in pain play but I have to know them well, like them, and respect them. 

Part of that is tied to my Dom ethics - I don’t trust that I can effectively create an experience that hurts but does not harm without a relational foundation. 

Part is tied to my own enjoyment. For me, pain play is mostly about the emotional feedback + the desire of someone to give me the gift of their pain (or submission). Without a meaningful connection, it would feel fairly empty for me, I imagine. 

[raw-mish]

me: casually sexts while sitting with my family

[shy-viking]

Lol I used to do this.

[sloganvspoetry-deactivated20200]

@cherished-property ☝🏻 This. For days.

You’ve so eloquently captured what I’ve been trying to figure out for MONTHS now.

Female sexuality is so fucking complicated to begin with. Add any confounding factor like depression or ADHD (🙄) … even when it’s well-managed… and it completely changes what we — and by “we” I mean mostly white men / society — have decided is a “normal” reaction to X (in this case, orgasm denial or edging).

My subspace is a murky place right now — one that even I am just starting to understand. It’s reassuring to hear that not everyone follows the same well-beaten kinky path in their journey — and that sometimes being totally off the map is actually par for the course.

[thatcitygurl-deactivated2020080]

Sigh. Throw-back to the days I used Tumblr as a community and resource to better understand myself. 

[hedonist-woman]

I get this so much. Apparently my emotions are tied to sex and orgasms and such Orgasming for Daddy finally got me out of subdrop the other day, which had lingered for far too long but I couldn’t figure out why. I have never edged without an orgasm (or several) at the end.

I do know, from a past relationship where we didn’t have sex for over a year and a half, that I was grumpy, angry, depressed, and anxious for the majority of that time. He didn’t get it and didn’t care to remedy the situation. I eventually remedied it for myself, and then left him.

Fortunately, Daddy seems to understand that I like a lot of orgasms, and apparently I need them. That makes me incredibly happy. 😊

[raging-viking]

Do you ever chat with someone new, and you’re getting major ‘Dom-vibes’ without a concrete reason ? I love that feeling.

[pleasurewhore-deactivated201802]

Dominant, or Domineering?

I was scrolling back through my archives and I came across an ask from another blog where someone was inquiring about signs that a man was not a Dominant, but simply domineering. I think it’s a really important, and very interesting question, and so I thought I’d like to take a stab at answering. There are a lot of posts out there about how to spot a real Dominant, but so long as there are subs out there struggling to tell the difference I think there can’t be too many.

To be domineering is to assert your will over another person in an aggressive or arrogant way. To be a Dominant is to be a caregiver. Someone who thrives on leading by gaining the trust and devotion of someone who wishes to follow. It sounds simple to tell them apart on paper, but reality isn’t always that black and white, and some people talk a really good game, so how can you tell the difference?

A domineering man will only make his rules all about his pleasure. They may read as a list of fetishes. He’s concerned about how often you shave your cunt, but not how often you see the doctor. A Dominant man will make rules for his pleasure, and your betterment. He cares about which panties you wear, but also how much sleep you get each night. He encourages you to have goals and helps you accomplish them through his rules.

A domineering man will not go out of his way to let you know that you are loved and cherished. His praise comes in the form of “you’re so hot when you do that”, and  “I love when you gag on me”. A Dominant man will make sure you know he respects you as a person and supports your accomplishments. “I’m so proud of you for interviewing for the promotion at work”, and “I appreciate that you tried, I know that was hard for you”.

A domineering man will not want to explain his decisions, or discuss his reasoning. He may become angry when you question him, and tell you that it’s not your place. A Dominant man is open to meta-talks. He will not allow you to question every tiny decision, but it’s important to him to address your concerns. He’s not afraid to share his thinking because he has your best interest at heart.

A domineering man doesn’t show interest in making decision that don’t affect him. He’ll choose your panties, but doesn’t really care when you ask him what you should do about that friend who is feeling neglected.  A Dominant man wants to help calm your mind, and is happy to help you make even mundane decisions. He has no problem choosing where to eat tonight, or telling you if you should accept the invite to that party.

A domineering man will be concentrated on making you the ‘perfect sub’. He may be overly concerned with your ability to deep throat and unreasonably strict with your diet and exercise program. A Dominant man accept and loves the person you are, and wants to help you meet your goals. He helps you with your diet because he wants for you to be healthy, not skinny, or because YOU expressed a desire for change.

A domineering man will limit your contact with others, especially others in the BDSM community. He’s scared you’ll find out that there’s more out there than what he’s offering. He’s jealous, and resents the time you spend with friends and family. A Dominant man know he can not be your everything and encourages you to learn. He recognizes the value of other relationship and only limits them when there are red flags, or past problems. He encourages you to learn and grow in your understanding of D/s relationships.

A domineering man demands. He raises his voice, doesn’t say please, and doesn’t thank you for the things you do. A Dominant man leads by making you want to follow. He knows that trust is earned and isn’t put off by the effort.

A domineering man gives his time only when it is convenient for him to do so. Domineering man isn’t concerned with calming you before a medical procedure or exam. He cancels plans with you when something better to do comes up. A Dominant man makes you a priority. He sets aside his plans to care for you when you are in need. That doesn’t mean he drops everything because you want company, but when you’re genuinely having a hard time you don’t have to question if he’ll be there for you.

Do all domineering men do all of the things I stated? No, it’s not that simple, but they’re good reference points. It’s about intent. A domineering man is out to fulfill his own desires, and a Dominant man gains his pleasure from successfully providing for the needs and desires of both parties. Will Dominant men sometimes say the things domineering men do? Yes! But domineering men will not also behave as Dominant men do, because Dominant men have broader goals. A Dominant man will but his desires above yours, but he will never put his desires above your needs.

[i-could-be-the-walrus-deactivat]

Dominant men have patience, a work ethic, and a sense of forward thinking in the management of their own lives that domineering men usually lack. It’s not normally a difference that can be spotted immediately or from the surface, unfortunately. An interested submissive will have to get to know a man’s intent and maybe even some of his history instead of merely observing action/behavior/physical appearance alone. This takes time and effort. This is why vetting is important.  For instance…both a domineering man and a dominant man could be super into physical fitness. Maybe even both of them seem a little vain about it.  Through (careful, guarded) interaction with them about their focus on diet and exercise (their OWN, not yours…they aren’t your dominant yet…please don’t ask/let a man be your dominant without knowing them on at least a greater than superficial level first), a submissive can get context for why they focus on it. His replies to comments like, ‘So I guess you work out a lot,’ will reveal these things.  A domineering man wants to look good to get dates; wants to be strong to intimidate or overpower or impress. He places a heavy value on his appearance and how he presents to other people and will probably place yours at a premium too. He’ll value your surface over your substance because he values his surface over his substance. He likes showing off and outdoing other people at the weight stacks. He likes bragging about how many races he’s run and how many people he bested when he ran them. He likes comparing himself to other people to show he’s superior. He likes showing off his body for the praise of how it looks. He wants accolades for the results, even if his ‘results’ are attained by unhealthy practices like taking anabolic steroids or malnutrition or he’s using photo editing software on his selfies. He’ll be disappointed if his selfies don’t get his requisite positive attention.  A dominant man, completing the same rigid personal program, who has the same six-pack abs and bench press number, and maybe even the same penchant for taking a lot of selfies, will more likely talk about how he used to feel weak/was unhappy with how his clothes fit/had a specific health issue/has a family history of a certain health issue, and decided to improve himself/give himself more options/be proactive about his future health prognosis. He might talk about races he’s run, but he’ll say he does this half marathon every year for <charity> because his childhood best friend had <disease> and it raises money for research. He’ll talk about being driven to accomplish goals and see results and he likes the tangibility of how much weight he can lift or beating his last run time/increase his weekly distance. He only compares himself to his former self. He likes the praise he gets for *how much dedication and self-control it took to achieve the look.* The accolades he wants the most are the ones about *his hard work.* And maybe, he won’t even want praise. He might just want a document of his progress for his own reference.

Often the differences are very subtle from the surface, but they are glaring on the inside of a relationship. 

[raging-viking]

Yes it’s long but every sub should read this!!! I wish I’d known the difference when I was starting out!

[raging-viking]

Is Polyamory the better relationship model ?

This text came together from a healthy discussion I had on tinder (off all places). I re-read it and suddenly realized to make this a ‘short’ post on my thoughts about monogamy & polyamory.

His points:

• I believe in the true love but not that it lasts forever. Genetically we are made to desire more than one person.

• Monogamy, for him, is more like an invention than a real thing.

• “In a poly relationship with multiple people I don't think you could make a really strong deep relation with everyone”

• When you really, really love somebody it's difficult to see that person with another.

My thoughts: I think it differs from person to person. It’s not the perfect solution just like monogamy isn’t the perfect solution. Polyamory feels more natural to humans, but any relationship (and they are natural to us too) needs work, a lot healthy communication etc. I don’t think you can say “poly relationships aren’t as deep as other relationships”. It really depends on the people and they way they shape their relationship. I have had a much deeper and meaningful connection when I was in a relationship with two lovely people, than my relationships before that.

The connection is ethablished when you are honest with each other, tell each other what you want and need, try new things together, are there for each other, go on dates, talk, listen...

Although feelings of jealousnes can occur, I personally have no problem with my parter(s) seeing other people.

I know I could never be in a monogamous relationship again. I don’t want to. It wouldn’t make me or my parter happy, because I would feel trapped.

I don’t want to be owned by one person, I want to have deep connections with multiple people and as cheesy as it sounds, experience all that life has to offer.

[wittingperversion]

Photos of submissves who are in pain, tied up in uncomfortable positions, being humiliated, being used roughly…

…and still have huge motherfucking grins on them like they’re on cloud 9.

[wittingperversion]

You know, even on nights when I'm in a mood for degredation and humiliation type stuff...

…the whole “where she/he/they belong” thing just doesn’t do it for me. Like, nevermind the fact it is almost always “she” in that statement…the idea of someone being degraded or humiliated or used by me because that’s where they “belong” just isn’t super-hot.

Someone being degraded or humiliated or used by me because that’s what they’ve chosen? That is motherfucking hot.

Honestly, sometimes if that’s what I’m in the mood for I find the hottest thing can be to reinforce the element of choice there - 

“Does this make you feel dirty?”

“Yes.”

“Does it make you feel used?”

“Yes.”

“Do you like it?

”…Yes. No. Maybe.“

“You know you can say no at any time, right? That you can tell me to stop and it’ll all be over the moment you do?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to stop treating you like a dirty little fucktoy and using and degrading you like this?”

“…No.”

“Then what does that make you?”

I mean, yes, consent isn’t just sexy, it is fucking mandatory…But it can also be sexy, especially in those types of scenes. It is sort of in with all the various kinds of “use your words” type hotness I like…

[raging-viking]

Yess!!! And it’s so hard finding people who understand this

[raging-viking]

Hey there,

I’m thinking about deleting my tumblr blog. (not immidiately, but in time)

BDSMlr is really taking off.

It’s good! They listen to their users demands as well as complaints. There is a large community of kinksters and now it’s much easier finding each other without all the restrictions. My followers grew there 3 times faster than here at tumblr, - without the annoying pornbots! (Wich have only gotten worse here on tumblr)

Of course it’s not perfect. The website is still in it’s early stages but I like it. I love it. I believe in it. 👍🏼😁

You can find me there: raging-viking

[biscuitsarenice]

Connie Fisher on Make-Up: Speaking to Dr Yan Wu who researched the relationship between the media and the beauty industry.

[X]

[cheaphalloweencostume]

oh good to know the tumblr staff team has gone completely insane

[cheaphalloweencostume]

sir im gonna need to see your male nipple license

[baece]

sir that is my emotional support female nipple