and it travels from heart to limb to pen

i'm katherine, i'm a 24-year-old from new jersey. this is where all the clamor in my mind will find its way into words. :)

[railroadtrack-dreams]

i deserve

I deserve more than this

And I’ve known it for a while,

But all I’ve done is cry about it

Now it’s time to stand up

Because I’m taller than I realized

And my body and heart are so tired,

But warriors always are

That’s what strength is about:

Carrying on

Even when you’re wounded,

When your legs are so tired

It feels like they can’t hold you

They can

They always do

There will always be the strength

To rise again

I am not a victim

I am not a child, curled up in the corner

I am not a girl, afraid of the nasty world

I am a woman who has worked her whole life

To keep her mind as sharp as guillotine

Her hands and feet as tough as concrete

Her eyes and mind as open as the ocean

Her heart from collapsing in on itself

And now it’s turned around

And my task is to keep it free to the world

Free to feel the pain that’s cast upon it,

And free to let it run its course,

And slip away once it’s over

Free to let go

Of the things that would weigh me down

Free to be afraid,

And then to know it, and to choose courage

Free to cry when I need to,

And then to wipe my eyes and move on

I am not a victim

And I deserve more than to behave like one

I have power inside of me

And it doesn’t matter how many years

I was told that I did not deserve to access it

It doesn’t matter what anyone said

Except to acknowledge where I come from

And all I have already conquered

All that matters is this moment now

And what I choose moving forward

And that I know

I am a warrior

And I am a lover

And there is room inside me

To allow rage and hate and love and despair

And to sort through them all

Because I do know the path

It’s a maze, but I created it

And I can navigate my way through

Each time quicker than before

And I know this

But I forget

Because I was trained to forget

But I have power inside of me

And I deserve more

Than locking it down

And never letting it see the light of day

I am stronger than I let myself know

I am braver than I wanted to admit

I am so many things

That I admire in others

And have always been afraid

To know, to understand, to feel

But feeling, even if there is pain,

Is fluid, and fleeting, and temporary

And it will always change

Hurt will only be for a moment

And when it’s over,

I can look out over the vast expanse

And see there is still so much more

There is love in every pink sunrise,

In every grain of sand,

In every roll of the ocean over my toes,

And this world will help remind me

It is not always so cruel

And if I listen, it will tell me

The things I need to hear

And I deserve to listen

I deserve to stand

I deserve love

I deserve to love

I deserve to accept the unknown

I deserve to be honest

I deserve to be true

I deserve what I need,

I deserve what I want

I deserve to say yes,

I deserve to say no

And I understand

In this moment, I understand

And the words are here now

So I may shut my eyes

But at some point I have to open them

And the words are here still

I deserve to remember

I deserve.

[railroadtrack-dreams]

The Promise

When I opened my eyes this morning, The sky was still blue, the sun was still warm, And the gas pedal of my little white sedan worked just fine While the engine purred as it carried me home to a liar Who, just yesterday, had been an idol But the problem with letting someone carry your world Happens when they drop it Maybe by accident Maybe they just got too tired of holding it Or maybe they changed their mind and threw it down. Regardless, Now it’s on the floor and you have to get on your knees And the broken shards will cut into your palms And chips will flake off into your bloodstream And you will feel the sting of that break in your veins For years. I knew what you were going to tell me A self-fulfilling prophecy? Or the result of colorful tongues that paint masterpieces That were really just sad watercolors on the backs of old bills Dressed up and disguised because that’s how you catch anything You show it what it wants to see And feel And hear To think, you cried before I did Here you are telling me that everything I knew is no longer That a promise made every day for years Is no longer worth anything That it was really only just words, And people can change words whenever they feel like it And you’re the one getting the couch wet. Maybe I didn’t cry because I was prepared to lose everything Because by that time I really didn’t have the spirit To believe the lies, no matter how pretty they were Because people before you had taught me how to see them That even my beacon, my light, my hero, my heart Was a liar And it wasn’t your fault, really, either This particular promise is broken every day In fact they say more than half the time, it ends like this In pieces, on the floor, at the feet of someone who trusted you Because you weren’t strong enough To be honest with yourself from the beginning Because you changed and grew and became someone else And somehow failed to see it coming Because you just don’t love her anymore And maybe you love someone else Even though you promised her You promised You vowed You swore In sickness and in health Til death do us part Look at what you had to kill to part this time You’re still alive You’re fine She’s on her knees picking up the pieces Knowing she won’t ever be the same again Because she trusted you No matter how much of her was jaded, or cold, or hollow, You don’t fucking make that promise If you’re not prepared to keep it You weak, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being Was it worth it? To hold her tight, young little body against you? What did it feel like when your dick was in someone else? Did you enjoy yourself? Did you shake and moan while your toes curled with pleasure? Afterward, did you hold her? Did you kiss her? Did you have fun breaking your promise While your other half sat at home And trusted you? Did that cross your mind at all? And if you had a chance to rewrite it, Would you choose everything the same? So forgive me that I can’t forgive you Because my brain can’t seem to wrap around this concept I know I’m young, and I can’t possibly understand this promise Or the weight that it must mean to carry it But I understand the basic concept That if something is too heavy for you to hold, Then you don’t pick it up at all. And if you love someone enough to promise them – Because that’s all it’s supposed to be, really. Not a declaration to prove something the world Not a union for financial security or a place to sleep Just a promise that they are your one person, And no matter what, You will always love them And when their world gets heavy in your arms You will ask them for help and carry it together And you will never, ever put it down – If you love someone enough to promise them that, Then where do you find it in your heart to break it? So I challenge you, For once in your life, Be honest with someone. Start with yourself. Did you ever really love her at all? 

[railroadtrack-dreams]

Sex is

a night on a couch masked by songs of innocence a whispered dare, hot breath clutching my neck "You'll never be 'ready', just do it." swallowed fear churns my stomach inside out but I hang my head and comply without a sound.

finally grasped in hands that care this is new to you, too, and we stumble along "You're so perfect. I love you so much." so much carries you into me, and it hurts so you kiss me ‘til it feels better, then you leave. struggling, please look at me, I'm here you're half asleep and motionless "No, I'm not close. Keep going." not a sound, not a sign, and I crash alone and you make no move to pick me up. familiar, commanding, holding me down teeth and claws disguised as a prince "I just want to show you I love you." I do everything you say even when it burns and you break your words over my back. rough and scarred, stories painted on arms but that song tells me you can love anyway "I just don't have time for a girlfriend right now." another notch, a plus one to the score this time is easier; I know I saw it coming. a new beginning, hope for something more but a kindness that cannot bridge preferences "I like skinny girls... you're not skinny." love should not leave bruises under skin I'm harder to break now, so I limp away. gazes touching, heating space across a room a body alone that leaves me in awe "Tell me what you want to do to me." only drunken lips can whisper a connection so I pack my desire again and tear away. what everyone longs for, 3 am best friends a gentle trust that transcends time and space "I really don't know what to do about this girl." the blow that sends me spinning, was I blind? those years were lies and I hurt just as long. a momentary grab for some kind of safe strange arms never meant to become a lover "We had fun, right? We always have fun." always? it shouldn't have even happened once now I have no choice but to push away hard. curiosity, interest, sudden after years apart different in a way that fights to stay respectful "Hang on, I want to wait. Oh, fuck it." never needs much pushing, I just take it and of course I'm not surprised when you run. creeping back, a parasite beneath my skin every time I think I'm stronger, you destroy me "Stop fucking with me. You lead me on." when standing my ground becomes assault you don't drive me home anymore, now I walk. change, a new kind of arms that offer real safety patience that waits and agrees as I decide there are few words exchanged in these moments but I can feel everything I am within your eyes it's too much, a passing smile is my rope and I'm gone. a journey across miles far beyond just highway a match that clicks with all the chips in my heart "You are everything. I love you, forever." but dark things crawl inside that you can't fix so I find a new road alone, and I'm so sorry. free and wild, where inhibitions fall away your rebel heart kicks adrenaline into high gear “I like you. Why do we have to label it?” independence by choice, touch just for pleasure and I love the warrior I become through you. sparks beneath my skin, ignited by your fingers passion that glows from our pores, yet so careful “Stay with me. You can do it. Just feel. It’s okay.” in your soft moans I find I can still be the tiger at the same time, your soul fills mine until I burst

[railroadtrack-dreams]

Look at Me Now

When I drive past this road, every nerve inside me twists And I can still feel those nights when it was your hands at the wheel Hips glued together with sweat and commands And you taught me how to forget who I was I might have spun some wicked webs, But I was only just a little girl Still you took my hand and showed me all the places you wanted me to touch You told me what I was really thinking, And I smiled every time it hurt Your pretty words made me believe I was so special to you, one of a kind And I was too weak to make decisions And I needed this, I needed you How much of it did you think was true? How much was a fabricated lyric? Do you know how long those lies Were burned in my mind, you fuck? I grew up thinking I was supposed to say yes That no was a sentence of isolation I grew up on a stage, performing for many Connecting with none but your memory Oh darling, darling, darling, Walk a while with me Watch my steps now, I don’t tiptoe I own this ground beneath me today Because I finally learned to know better Than to let shits like you under my skin You and I are playback in my mind A fierce power chord, a crash and a ride There will never be another Barely seventeen piece of trash like you So when you see me, keep walking And I hope your regret chokes you When you wish you had me back

[railroadtrack-dreams]

She's Taking You to California

When we speak it reads like a newspaper First page, skimming headlines, interesting stories But never going deeper than the facts Shallow words tiny paper cuts under my skin But really, their message brings me joy for you While it stings, my heart is lighter knowing You have found where you belong And those dreams that once felt so far away Are carrying you out of here Far away from this industrial prison Where ties hang like nooses on your perfect neck Remember when your fingers used to brush mine? I’ll never forget what that felt like. I sincerely hope that she feels even more, And that you, in turn, ignite under her touch And your union is what set the both of you free I hope she reminds you of long-haired t-shirt days And you can take long walks to nowhere with her I hope that West Coast air makes it easy to breathe And her sun pulls life back to your skin You deserve nothing less than to be where you belong To charm the world with that spectacular smile And show that light everywhere you can To leave everyone you meet with echoes of you That glimmer like stardust in the corners of their mind That’s where I’ll keep you, every day A little flame, burning through to my soul To remind me that our prison is not eternal That I may be behind bars, but I am already walking And one day, I will get to California, Wherever that may be.

[railroadtrack-dreams]

Filthy Fucking Whore

Your smile was a fish hook, your charisma was the line Snagged, pulled in, out of water and I loved how it felt How I couldn’t breathe when you were near me What it was like outside the ice I was encased in So long I’d forgotten what it was like to feel at all And when I broke out of it and began moving again I followed that line and threw it to the ground We crashed together, wanting just that feeling Two rebels taking arms against the status quo Screaming, fuck labels! we were so high above them Pleasure, but with freedom, bliss, but independence Dreaming at night, whether awake or asleep Intertwining over and over when we were charged And it carried on and I took away books filled With words that fearlessly tore from your mouth A flame that I devoured as our recklessness gathered My mistake was in believing that I could ever be safe Resting in bed beside a fire with that much power The control I’d loved relinquishing knocked me blind Consumed my insides and pulled them out And for the first time, we were still, and silence laughed As my heart finally slowed, I realized The revolution was over. The riot had to stop. You can’t bring a baby in a mosh pit. And that spark you’d fed inside me flared Not at the world, not at the man, not at society. But at you And at me But mostly at you How could you let this happen? What kind of dysfunction could allow you for one moment To believe that this could come without consequence There’s stupid, and then there’s what we did Which is the definition written by whores and addicts In one second, you stomped out all those fantasies And responsibility snaked around my torso An embrace so tight it snapped pieces off my ribs And you reached out from your safe distance to hold me as I choked But I’d rather slap this straightjacket over your shoulders And let it squeeze your chest and crack your bones Send them piercing straight through your organs So all that fire you aim at anyone who gets too close Could consume you from the inside and leave you ashes And you could feel this pain, just a little of this pain Because I should not have to bear it alone.

[railroadtrack-dreams]

10 signs i shouldn't have left

i don't know how much longer i can fight this it's closing in on me, it makes it hard to breathe everywhere i turn, i fall into your eyes again i can't sleep at night without you here with me i've never had to say i'm sorry before i've never had to admit that i was wrong i guess i never cared enough to try until now i guess no one made a difference until you i hadn't laughed in a long time until the night we spent together but then it's always been hard to a fight a smile around you i don't know why i ever thought i'd be better on my own but then, you've never really left me all alone they tell me everyone deserves a second chance but what about me? this was my decision, can i take it back? my mistake stares me in the face every day wish i could just back up to when you were mine you were fighting for us, but somehow i couldn't see it you told me to stay, told me we could make it better now i've learned, i never should have doubted you you've kept your word, you've been there all along you showed me all these things i'd never known then with a few words, you shook my heart i've never been so hurt, so confused, so scared i didn't know what to do, so i took the easy way out but it wasn't easy, i don't know if anything was ever so hard now i've had time, i can see what you saw all along you didn't give up on me, i don't want to give up on you  i want to be there for you, there with you, by your side you've told me a few stories of people who left you people you loved, who walked out, who let you down i don't know if you'll let me, but god knows i've got to try i'm not going to be another one of them, i want to stay now you tell me you don't know if we can make it better but are you only doubting yourself because i did? i was wrong, i shouldn't have left, and i’m so sorry you and i had something wonderful and i screwed up i'm more scared now than ever, i've never had to do this this is the first time i've ever wanted to say these words but no matter what you say, i need you to know how i feel so here it is, laid out in front of you - please take me back.

[railroadtrack-dreams]

my strength is here if you need it

sometimes it's hard to stand on two feet alone your shaking legs don't seem enough to hold it all up pride keeps its arm held tight around your neck the weight is growing but you won't ask for help. you don't have to ask, don't have to say a word i know you don't need help, you told me; i believe you, but maybe, if you want me, you can give me a call you know where to find me, here in the same space. maybe there's a lot on your mind, but we can let it be i won't ask you to open your chest and spill your heart but maybe, if you just want to hold on to me for a while, you can reach for my hand, you know i'll let you take it. no one's going to laugh, no one even has to know we can stay here together for as long as you want to the silence might get loud sometimes, but we'll tune it out you can just lean against me until it's easier to stand. it's not a burden for me, in fact it's much lighter than the burden of knowing you're struggling alone i know that you're strong, i know you'll get through, but you don't have to face the world by yourself.

[railroadtrack-dreams]

how to make breaking hearts look easy

what a way to remember our anniversary the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say remember how I said I couldn't feel anything? I fucking felt that I felt the weight of what I just did crashing down on me like a building collapsing everything we worked for falling to the ground surrounding me with dust and ashes and through the smoke, your face was crystal clear showing me this was my doing I pulled the plug and brought destruction the lightning finally struck and darted away and I wondered what the hell happened to my heart how did it get so cold and why did it pick now to shake beneath the weight of the disaster it had just wrought nothing in the world, in my life, has ever hurt me more than knowing all the pain in your face it was all my fault you trusted me, you let me in and I walked away

[railroadtrack-dreams]

did you know it's not even a year now since you walked back into my life six years ago, we stopped somehow now i can't even remember                                                             why

  it's funny, 'cause i missed you sometimes but i think it was me who let you get away now that i know you, better than i ever did, i promise you that i                                                                        won't

did you ever dream we'd be like this staying up all night, doing nothing at all i've got work in the morning, but i'll stay just to spend another minute with                                                     you

    it hit me like a snowball when i felt it i'd let my shield down. no, i'd never had it up but this feeling couldn't be real, i told myself friends is all we're ever going to                                                        be

    i willed with all my strength for it to fade to be just an illusion, just a beautiful mirage but all along somewhere in me i knew you're the one i want to be                                                               with

    but after everything, something is wrong you say you'll never leave, yet you turn me away and now i don't know how to get through this without having you to help                                                                me

[railroadtrack-dreams]

Because we are

Sometimes, when you watch me long enough You let me hold your gaze for a moment Your eyes are so padlocked I can only see myself But this reflection is a girl I thought I’d lost And some parts of a girl I’ve never seen before But in this car we drive out from beneath society And labels are invisible as the wind whips them away outside This girl belongs to no one, but is an excellent lover Her mind is not afraid to roll off her tongue And when she listens, which she does even when you don't want, She can dig just far enough beneath that gaze To weave words with thoughts unspoken, and connect To make you blush and look away, surprised that she could know Even a man so sure, so skilled and aware himself Could be taken aback, even impressed, by this girl And interested, in a way there is no risk in showing Because she is unafraid to want you in the same way Uninhibited, free, fearless, and wild And you are safe, because she knows Exactly who she is and what she wants For the first time.

[railroadtrack-dreams]

Arms of a Stranger

Uninhibited Free Chasing things within reach Do it Okay It’s not scary Arms of a stranger Trust you more than love Warrior Riding strong I roar and you tell me louder More I tell you And you do Anything I ask As long as it’s between your sheets We listen to the world outside As we struggle to breathe again But in here It can’t touch us We are free

[railroadtrack-dreams]

Things I Couldn't Say (this Time)

hello, open arms with your scars that curve into stories part of a chest that's so broken but healed over twice as strong your eyes are gorgeous, but that's not why they caught me when I look into them, I see a soul and it's mine as much as it's yours it turns heads when it fills up a room it acts first and asks questions later it holds secrets so the world doesn't have another burden it challenges the blips in the frequency and it carries fear on its back so it doesn't get in the way the intensity holds me in place and I think I might just know this song well enough that I could join in, add more notes it's the same one I've been singing, the one that goes on and builds until it jumps off the edge to melt into those arms would be to merge with myself and I want to feel it, want to know what that could be like but I hesitate and so your arms turn in a new direction and she sounds wonderful I would ask you not to forget me, but you're me; I don't have to we've been doing this dance longer than just this lifetime and while those arms encircle her, she who had nothing to question, I know that next time, I'll find them open again but this time, my half of this soul grows cold.

[railroadtrack-dreams]

Careless

Why did you have to do this? You went and ruined everything You took a perfectly good future And stomped it into the dirt You ripped it up and spit on the pieces And you don’t even understand what you’ve done. Peoples’ lives aren’t something you can just play with And when they trust you, they count on you Not to do the very thing you just did. I have to write this down Because I have to get this out Because it’s literally making me sick inside To watch as you so carelessly pass through No one can touch you. You’ll never let them get close enough Does it feel good? Does it make you happy to know you’ll always be alone? I wish it didn’t have to be that way I hope that someday you’ll realize what you’ve done And I hope it hits you like a bullet So hard you have no choice but to wake up And the lives you destroyed along the way? They’re gonna be fine You may have stormed through and left them in shambles But they’ll piece themselves together again And they’ll be back stronger than ever Will they forgive you? Some of them might They might be strong enough to overlook the damages They might love you enough to forget the things you’ve done But they might not They might have already moved on without you And you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

[railroadtrack-dreams]

Six Years of Almost There

Here’s to all those hints I just couldn’t catch Here’s to all those times I should have been more sympathetic. And to that time I should have told the truth. Here’s to all the nights I could have spent with you. Here’s to the question of whether you’ll ever be mine, And whether I’ve ever been anyone else’s. Here’s to my unexpressed gratitude. Here’s to the guilt that weighed me down Four long months when you were gone. Here’s to that time I slipped your name Into someone else’s mouth On purpose. Here’s to those nights spent driving home With my fingers twined in yours. Here’s to the way I said those three words And meant them for the first time in my life. Here’s to how you’ve always been right And admitting when I’ve been wrong. Here’s to stupidly seeking safety in others’ arms There was nothing I could give to them Because it already belonged to you. Here’s to the elation of realization And the punch in the gut of hopelessness. Here’s to admitting I need you like I’ve never needed anyone. My darling, here’s to you.

[railroadtrack-dreams]

Be Careful Who You Capture

I’ve done this a hundred times Thrown myself against the walls of this cage Slammed my shoulder into the bars Used all my strength on fighting Something I can’t even touch Now I’m bruised and out of breath I’ve screamed until my lungs are torn Thought my hate alone could break the chains But that and all my strength fell short Time and time again, my best isn’t enough But I’ll never stop As long as there are walls around me I’ll do all I can to tear them down I’m not meant to be tied to the ground Don’t belong here with all this dirt One day I’m gonna get up And I’ll be gone And you’ll wish you’d never tried to hold me down

[railroadtrack-dreams]

Ronnie's Song

She spends her days like Atlas Just breathing through the pain And every place her feet touch The sidewalk smells like rain She let me reach out to her, But won’t let me take the weight Fearless in the face of night And the demons she creates And I swear to you, I’m right here Call my name and I’m on my way Drown me in your endless secrets Here in your darkness, let me stay My hero in the silence Head held high for all that’s true And my hands would love her more One touch cracks this heart in two And I swear to you, I’m right here Call my name and I’m on my way Drown me in your endless secrets Here in your darkness, let me stay Now these fireworks, they lift her heart When she smiles my world falls apart Stepped out of her hospital bed “I want to be alone,” she said And I swear to you, I’m right here Call my name and I’m on my way Drown me in your endless secrets I know you have so much to say And I swear to you, girl I’m right here Call my name and I’m on my way Drown me in your endless regrets Here in your beauty, I will stay