rattfish

your local pretty pretty princess

[rattfish]

time for everyone's favorite game:

am i crying because i'm depressed or because my period is making my hormones fucked

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why does my immune system always have me on 2 hp

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brat summer?

gone.

indie pop fall?

over.

shoegaze winter?

right on time.

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jonathan anderson walks onto all of his runways like a cryptid and i'm kinda obsessed

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i'm in a weird situation where my parents aren't super terrible, they just do some things where i'm like dawg. like mom how did you watch me rapidly lose weight and catch me throwing up not once but TWICE and not think to yourself "y'know, maybe my kid has an eating disorder and we should get her help." and dad how did you watch my grades slip, my energy decrease, and me isolate myself from everyone else, and cry all the time and not suspect anything?? like my parents sacrificed so much for me and they definitely love me, but they're just so willfully ignorant some times and it kills me

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i'm like 90% sure my english teacher is shipping me with the person that i'm in love with that doesn't love me back. (we're still friends and we talk together, but it's weird). like she walked by us talking together and my person said something along the lines of "i missed not sitting next to you last time i hope that we sit next to each other in the new seating charts." lo and behold we're sitting right next to each other. in front of the teacher's desk. and immediately after she assigns us to be partners together. for annotating love poems. the poem is quietly by beckly hemsley. if you do not know it this is an evil yearning poem. and she put on anything by adrianne lenker in the back. i will not be surviving this year.

[rattfish]

so i fell in love with a guy who turned out not to be a guy because she's trans and figured it out like a month ago (doesn't matter to me i'm bisexual). and this person then rejected me but now i'm realizing that all the compliments that she paid to my appearance and mannerisms and general demeanor along with her physical affection and desire to be close to me that originally made me think SHE was into ME were because she wanted to emulate me in an attempt to be more feminine.

mind you this whole situation was not mild for several months we laid on the grass with our heads on my cardigan together, we shared ice cream off the same spoon, and we slow danced together to old r&b songs. she did all of that shit so that she could feel more like a woman with no consideration for how it would affect anyone else.

in any case i'm going to be sick. i was never a person to her i was always a concept. i have no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions, because i am simply a breathing version of what she wants to be. she didn't love me at all and didn't even see me as a person. actually the worst possible scenario how have i become less than a human and instead a functional commodity to be exploited?

and the really awful part is that i still want her. i want her so bad. i want my illusion of love back. i want us back.

[rattfish]

i have a 6 person roster rn i feel like a chinese emperor with his concubines

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my room is a mess my grades are slipping i'm tired and sad and i keep coming home crying and my parents still can't fathom what's obviously going on

[rattfish]

joji dropping means that i'm about to have the worst few months of my life ever. i don't even listen to him like that but my life always goes to a new low when he drops

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psychosis-inducing need to be held i'm going crazy

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texting me "hey we need to talk" is a surefire way to get a delayed response from me. even if it's not that serious i am in full panic mode. send HELP. send the MILITIA. the ROYAL GUARD. HELP.

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We don't talk nearly as much as we should about how metaphorically queer stands are. The vast and ever-expanding spectrum that makes up the rainbow of queerness is reflected in the individuality of the stands and how their powers are personalized to their user, reflecting a secret self that can only be shown in certain contexts. Not to mention the fact that they can only be seen by select other individuals for what they truly are, with non-stand users remaining confused as to what's really going on. Additionally, there's the fact that a lot of stand users are initially fearful of their newfound power, and actively fight it, as seen with Jotaro when he literally locks himself in prison to protect others from this new part of himself. Stands have the potential to reshape the world and create new meaning to life, but they're hidden from the world, and they can only affect outsiders from the shadows. Even if you resist the suggestion that Jojo characters themselves are queer (which many are, but that's a separate conversation) it's undeniable that through a theoretical lens the series is absolutely queer.

[rattfish]

local crazy touch-starved woman hisses and retracts violently when touched

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i still think it makes holden so much more of an interesting character if you read him as gay: the repression, the sadness, the feelings of incompetence and alienation, etc. he's such a queer coded character because he's alone and scared and can't make real connections or be his true self, and especially during the lavender scare of the 1950s, it would have been especially unacceptable. he feels that everyone else around him is faking everything because he himself can't feel the attraction that everyone claims to feel when in love.

[rattfish]

i feel like every i cycle through feeling nothing for a month and then for the month after feeling everything to the nth degree. it's so tiring and each time i'm in one cycle i wish i was in the other sigh

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my parents love telling me about how independent they were at my age and how dependent i am while panicking when i am out of the house past 8 and actively monitoring my location