Human Ditritus

I'm just here to vent sometimes

[raysofshadow]

Despite the horrors of the pandemic, I'm doing pretty well. I nailed my classes this semester, actually managed an A in one of 'em (I settle for Bs and if it's accounting, Cs).

Needless to say, I really really miss normality. I fucking miss people, miss fucking people, and hell, miss people fucking.

I used to be really introverted when I was younger, but over the years I most definitely have become an extrovert. So it's like riding a bike. Don't wanna get to comfortable on it tho cuz I really miss seeing my friends, however, one may become too complacent with isolation and loneliness. I don't believe there's anything wrong with preferring to be alone, I've been there myself and have found it to be lacking personally.

Watching people just be, go about their day, being human, is really something to behold and if I can take away anything from this pandemic it's an appreciation for company.

[raysofshadow]

I need this semester to end really badly. When it does, I get to runaway from Montreal. A city so filled with so many different kinds of people. Some beautiful, some ugly, and some incredibly complex. But I need to get away from it because It's emotionally exhausting living here.

I'm not perfect by any means, faaaaar from. I'm proud that I've grown and changed and owe it to people that have stuck by me and some that have come to hate me because I didn't learn quick enough, or some that don't care at all anymore. All of them were from right here in Montreal. I don't hate any of them though. I only hate that learning had to hurt so much and I actually miss a lot of them quite frankly. The cuts inside never go away...they run deep and stick with me always.

It's time for a vacation though. To a place a lot simpler... Not from Montreal itself, but from the environment it creates. I just need to forget about school and everything else.

Sometimes, it's nice to miss something.

[raysofshadow]

I have a fantasy. I have a fantasy where I can close my eyes... Close them for a very long time. The world around me keeps going, except for me and my closed eyes.

[raysofshadow]

I have zero idea why I let myself get used and abused by someone who contributes nearly nothing but aggravation to my life.

Almost as if I'm happily there to get shat on as soon as I'm not needed.

[raysofshadow]

I think it's fascinating how the world is admittedly aware that it's built on lie upon lie but yet is totally okay with it. It seems to almost rely on it. And it does so with big, phony smile.

[raysofshadow]

Trapped in routine and smoking my brain away until it stops or I do

[lyrics-and-music]

Summer Depression // Girl In Red

[dreamlike-melody]

[raysofshadow]

University is amounting to a form of mental self destruction and I'm uncertain how I should feel about it and how I do feel about it.

I shouldn't have to sacrifice my mental health for university... But I am.

I'm going insane. Hours and hours spent in the library pouring over books, calculations, theories... I'm burning myself out.

Part of me loves the grind. It's euphoric; the feeling of understanding something I thought I never would. But my head is melting. I've never been a good student. It takes me twice as much work as a regular student to achieve a B or so. But this is my second chance at university and I want to follow through this time. I have to. It is and will continue to break me though.

Suicidal thoughts the past month or so too but that's background noise right now.

[shiveringhardnow]

Upside Down // The Story So Far

[greelin]

you know what truly disgusts me… being able to feel my own heartbeat. it’s bad. don’t need to actively know what’s going on in there. don’t need to feel that. it’s not any of my business

[aniime-mangacaps]

[syntacked]

[hiddenhikikomori]

Anger. Pain. It’s getting harder to hide. All the feelings I’ve built up inside.

[danger]

[nicostiel]

Celebrating 200 Chapters!

[shikuzo]