...it's becoming one of those days again. Those days where I start to feel like I'm being a pest. A burden even. I'm not even sure why exactly, maybe it's from being so hurt for such a long time now. I just need someone to talk to. If only I had the courage to talk about what's bothering me to my boyfriend or bestfriend. I feel lonely. I feel like a waste of space. Last time I felt like a waste of space, I tried to kill myself. I should try cutting again.. I mean it's not that big of a deal.. right Tristian? You said so yourself. I want to feel something; anything but this. It's hard to even comprehend in my mind what exactly I'm feeling. Let me try explain it like this; I feel like that friend who's only noticed when someone needs something, whether that be a ride or buying food and drinks for them all the time, I feel like nobody's ever wanted to get to know me as well as I want to get to know them .. I always find myself keeping questions and topics to myself so that I don't come off as nosey, I feel like no matter what I'll never have a boyfriend who understands how deep my feelings of distrust in men are, I just want a guy who I don't need to worry about because he knows I can't handle seeing certain things or else I'll be triggered and instantly overthink everything I've ever known, or should I say "thought I knew". Everything has a negative effect on me. I want to cry out. I want to see a counsellor again. I can't handle my mess of a mind. No matter what I do , I end up right back in my head , fighting with myself. Fighting with myself about the thoughts I have. The thoughts I have about suicide. It's all I ever think about. Dying. It's not like anyone would remember a few months down the road. Or maybe they will because I won't be around for them to walk all over. I just stared blanking at this paper for a few minutes, my pen didn't move. I was lost in my mind again . You want to know what it was this time ? No? I really didn't think so either.. but it's time I start being honest with myself. I was thinking about how good it would feel right now to slice my flesh with a razor blade, and feel the blood rise to the surface then begin to pool out , dropping down my arm until reaching my fingertips, and dropping off onto the floor. It's screaming my name...
Sierra Selene
