Journey to the Center of Me

This is a picture of the journey to myself. I intend to blog about my feelings and the things that I write as well as reflections on myself. This is not for or about other people. I don't care if you read this blog or if you like this blog. This is for me...

[recoveringpsychotic]

"You cant hurt me more"

She said I couldn't hurt her more.... but that's not true. I could shred her with teeth and claws, poison her with my venom, I could take her apart until there's nothing left but a raw broken thing

[recoveringpsychotic]

Dreaming 3.7.26

I dreamed about ML, that they were appropriately questioning my skills and abilities as a dom. It felt good to explain my k1nk credentials as it were. To interact with someone who understands the amount of work I've put into learning and honing my skills.

[recoveringpsychotic]

Tarot + Oracle Constellation New Year Reading

Each tarot card helps you to see the story of your life as it is unfolding. The oracle cards illuminate lessons to be learned from your experiences.

Tarot Decks used: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Tarot, Modern Witch Tarot, Pride Tarot

Oracle Deck used: African Goddess Rising.

Review - Source - These cards show the energies that you are bringing in from the prior year (BtVS)

Queen of Pentacles - "Grows Garden", timing: Years, associated with winter. Take care of yourself, make sure you have the means to independently stand on your own two feet and invest in yourself. Put yourself first. 9 of Scythes - "Fruition/Attainment/Fulfillment", timing: week, associated with spring. You are not alone. During times of duress, a buff intellect can be a bully convincing you everything is wrong, but it's not true. Spend some time with your BFFS. The Fool - The beginning of a journey. Stepping into the unknown. You may be goofy & naive and a little bit insecure. Face your fears boldly and unleash your freest free spirit freely. Mama Djambo - Goddess of Shine - Guinea Bissau. Griots Temple. Bush element. You were born to shine. Be seen. Be heard. Be a movement. We need to know your name. We want to learn your your dance. Declaration: "I am ready to be seen and heard" Queen Nandi - Goddess of Intuition - Zulu. Queens Temple. Fire Element. You already know. Take a deep breath and surrender to what you know to be true. Trust your inner wisdom and guidance. Put your hands over your third eye and ask "If I knew what the answer is, what would it be". Declaration: "I am knowing"

Life Force - Gravity - These cards show the current of energy that is flowing through all aspects of your life this year, past, present and future. This may be unseen influences that affect many different areas of your life. (BtVS)

The Wheel of Fortune - Sinaya/First Slayer. This card finds you deeply connected to the cyclical nature of life. Take joy where you can, face sorrow when you must and know that nothing is permanent. You cannot with a fight against change, accept it and focus on what you can do. The Emperor - Buffy Summers. You are being asked to summon the strength of the slayer. You may find yourself needing to pay peace keeper or having to rise above a situation to find a logical solution. Just know you are chosen for a reason. The Hermit - Oz. You have reached a crucial time in your life where you may be yearning for introspection and time to evaluate your priorities. Give in to the solitude. King of Pentacles - "Solid Harvest" - Draws abundance, manifesting success and experience -> your dedication has paid off big time. Your struggles are behind you , and the future is golden.

Health - Celestial Arm - These cards show your health and wellbeing and what to expect this year around your physical, mental, and emotional health.

Knight of Pentacles - "Realizes value" Sticking to your routine suggests that your approach needs to be methodical, conservative, and thorough. This is not the time to take risks or go rogue, rely on trusted methods. Queen of Scythes - "Good Editor" - Advocates logic over emotions rely on what you know instead of how you feel. Set clear unshakable boundaries enforcing how you want others to treat you and how you treat yourself. Ace of Stakes - "New Beginnings/Opportunities/Potential" Feeling extra open-minded. Harness your inspiration and honor the creative urges as they come to you. Queen Nefertiti - Goddess of Alchemy - Egypt. Queen's Temple. Fire Element. It is time. You turn everything that life throws your way into gold. You are on the path to fulfilling your purpose. Declaration: "Everything I touch turns to gold."

Work - Celestial Arm - These cards show you how your work, projects, business or school situation is unfolding.

The Magician - It's time to turn dreams into reality. Bring those lofty dreams down to earth, make them real. Let inspiration flow through you & use our tools to make stuff. Knight of Wands (Days)- "Starts Quests" - This knight is all action and doesn't spare anytime to stop and think. Be bold & seize that crazy opportunity. There can be consequences for impulsivity. Page of Cups (Months) - "Dreamy Poet" Something or someone unexpected is coming your way and its going to affect your emotions pretty wildly. Don't be afraid to just wade right in. Queen Mother Nanny - Goddess of Liberation - Maroons/Jamaica . Queens Temple. Fire Element. Break free. Your dreams hold the power and keys to your libation. You are freedom herself - Rise up. Declaration: "My dreams empower me"

Relationships - Celestial Arm - These cards show you how your relationships are, or will be, influencing you. These can be any type of interpersonal relationships. It can include intimate relationships, friendships, professional or family relationships. If you did not have a relationship in mind while you were drawing these cards, trust your instincts about who the cards might be relating to. (BtVS)

Ten of Pentacles (Years) - "Completion & end of cycle, renewal" Dracula - You are heavy on abundance and low on strife. Examine how you can give back. Knight of Scythes (Weeks) - "Finishes projects" A sign that your relentless in the pursuit of your dreams not allowing anything to get in your way. Channel her approach by being direct & speaking your mind but maybe don't try to destroy the world. Two of Scythes (Weeks) - Riley - When you are met with undeniable info - you have to take a stand. This card symbolizes indecision that must come to an end. There are no perfect answers, so follow your conscience. Gang Gang Sara - Shadow of Resistance (Tobago). Temple of Shadows. Bush Element. You are scared that you are going to mess it all up. You may have stumbled but this is a new day. Learn to show up for yourself. Declaration: "This is me. I show up."

Money & Finances - Celestial Arm - What is the forecast for your financial situation? This section can show you unexpected earnings (or expenses) that may be coming your way. It can also show you the results of any abundance-building activities that you have been working on (Pride Tarot)

Judgement - This card is one of self-reflection realization, awakening, and new beginnings. This represents the new beginnings that come with accepting one's sexuality and/or gender ID and the way this can be a life changing experience. The World - This card asks you to note the synchronized moments that mark the turning point you are at. Trust what is in progress and bask in what's complete. The world has access to all of their gifts. The Emperor - This card represents authority and leadership. Acknowledges the established structures but often finds their own way to rule. This card particularly intends to depict a more masculine energy from a powerful female figure as you can see with her physical demeanor. Soucoyant - Shadow of Scarcity (Trinidad). Temple of Shadows. You have so much more than you realize. You have access to unlimited joy, love, good times, pleasures, and prosperity. Declaration: "My blessings always overflow."

Home - Celestial Arm - Our home lives are foundational to our sense of security. How are things looking in your physical home? are any changes afoot? This can include repairs needed upcoming moves. Do you live with other people? This section will help you to see what is happening at home.

Three of Cups (Months) - "Creativity groups, growth" Celebrations is in order! You're surrounded by friends that love you and you love them. It's time to party! The Chariot - She rules everything around her. Connected to nature to, to her emotions, and to the stable grounded beneath her. Be a boss and get. shit. done. Fight for yourself, don't give up. The Moon - The moon brings out strange things from the dark, a glimpse of what lies beyond the ordinary. Wake up your wild side. Trust your instincts, listen to what your gut tell you. Seven Sisters - Goddess of Creativity - Conjurers Temple. New Orleans. Air Element. Create, Create, Create! You come from conjurers and creators. Your blood remembers. You are a cosmic creatrix & creative force. Declaration: "I am a creative visionary."

Spirit - Celestial Arm - How is your spirit? Is it enlivened and growing? Or does it feel weary and lost. This section can show you about the evolution of your spirit this year.

Judgement - This card calls down to us in the form of benevolent angel and presents us with the crossroads. Only through responding to the call can we become truly alive. There are times for some tough love. There's an important change needed for you to reach new heights, but you're prepared. Your past self is behind you and the future calls. Examine yourself and your choices honestly. Is this the best you? Wheel of Fortune - We don't always know why things happen the way they do. Shit happens. It's your task to understand that when goodness comes, badness will inevitably follow and vice versa. Nothing lasts forever, the good or the bad, so appreciate everything. The Sun - There is wonder and warmth everywhere. Its a time to feel totally alive. Winter is over. Bask in t he sunlight, embrace life! This new perspective is the result of your hard inner and outer work and now its time to for the reward. So treat yourself, do something fun, have an adventure the days are yours to fill with childlike wonder and optimism. Sara la Kali - Goddess of Divine Lineage - Romani. Ancestor's temple. Water element. Your ancestors protect the holy grail. The holy grail is you. Divine ones walk beside and within you. Trust. "I am my sister and my sister is me."

Lessons - Celestial Arm - What the overarching lessons being presented to you as you during this period of time.

The Hierophant - Calls us to unlock our psyche and hidden potential through diligent study. She is wise in her guidance, helping us discover guidance, helping us discover new things. Look to the past, read books, find community, learn new things. Queen of Swords (weeks) - "Good Editor" Unflinching perception and can cut to the truth of the matter in seconds. She can be blunt, brutally honest, and very forward. She can truly see the entire situation for what is. Set emotions aside, view things intelligently with clarity. The High Priestess - Meditation Tarot - This card knows the path toward them. We may not be ready to lift the veil of mysteries. The moon seeks to awaken our unconscious and open us up to hidden things and strongest parts of existing. Be still. Its time to reflect in order to grow. Don't make big decisions. Atete - Goddess of Worthiness - Warriors Temple. Bush Element. Oromo/Ehtopia. Stop hiding shrinking and playing small. Stand tall. You are mighty. Declaration: "I matter." Nana Buluku - Goddess of Seasons - Threshold guardian - Air element. Benin. You have entered a new cycle that is very old. Allow yourself to become present. Trust in divine timing. There are no shortcuts. Declaration: "I am limitless."

[recoveringpsychotic]

Endings

Tonight was my last night in narcisstic abuse recovery group therapy. It's been over a year. It was a lot of work. I'm worried it wasn't enough. My 2026 goals:

Strengthen my body and re-teach it to support itself

Figure out a way to track my progress/wins so that I have a way to reality test when I feel like I haven't made any progress.

[recoveringpsychotic]

Nights Like This...

The wind howls like it's trying to tell me something

I remember I used to go outside and melt into the wind

I would stare at the moon and wait for her wisdom

I didn't deserve to end up cramped and crammed

Stuffed into the box labeled "my wife"

Today is your birthday

I was meant to be a gift,

You treated me like property

I didn't wake up with a pit of dread in my stomach like I used to

As the day went on, the anxiety wound up

Now it's the end of the night

Once again I'm going to bed alone

It's better than sleeping next to my abuser

It's infinitely better than being woken by clumsy searching fingers

I still feel the ache of loss

Lost connections and lost families

Loss of the children I had to surrender for all of our safety

Surgical removal of the husband who would rather watch my eyes

As my life fades away

Than remove himself or heal

Loss of the parent that opted out of my life

Because my truth was too painful for her

The grandparents that have joined the ancestors

Though their bodies are gone, their spirits comfort me

I suppose in the end, on nights like this

I thank the universe that I made it out alive

I thank my past self for creating a plan for healing

I honor my future selves for the work they are doing and will do

*NOTE* These are my private writings not to be used or re-created without permission from me the author.

[recoveringpsychotic]

To the part of me that gets angry when I watch romantic comedies and the part that gets sad

Me: I am here to witness without judgement.

Part(s): We are one, 2 sides of the same coin (voices resonant and overlapping; one gravelly and one tinkly). For so long, love and hate, have been intricately woven for us. We wouldn't know what to do if someone painted their bedroom walls the color of our eyes. We are scared to be alone with our empty basket, all our eggs lost again and we'll have to spend time finding them all over again (so much lost/wasted time - feelings of grief and loss). We are angry that you did not see the lies woven into our childhood until so much damage had already been done. We fear that we are too damaged to every have a mate or a pack even. We see the fear when we know too much and when we speak the quiet part out loud. We just want to be held.

Me: How can I hold you?

Part(s): Allow us to feel...stop busying through the lessons.

In the lesson there is knowledge.

Knowledge is powerful.

Integration is the level up. (My thought: What happens after the level up?)

The knowing/the part(s): This part was silenced 3 years into my relationship with my ex-husband. I was 24.

[recoveringpsychotic]

current mood:

crying on the toilet while taking a shit

[recoveringpsychotic]

I will not....

Change the way I love you because you're pulling away

Stop eating to try and stop fueling the ache in my soul

Lose myself to love you

[recoveringpsychotic]

Quiet Musings

Stress is trying to trigger a flair.

My cards tell me "the healing occurs when I give myself permission to feel whatever feelings live below the triggers".

The recovering perfectionist and people pleaser is unsure how to reach out safely in authenticity.

Bear with me....the cards also told me to "choose love no matter what".

That tight grasp I usually have on reality. It's slipping away. Oops there goes gravity....And I'm not sure I care.

Fun fact stress can also cause an increase in OCD symptoms; hello darkness my old friend ❤️‍🩹 these recurrent thoughts are exhausting.

Let me be very clear, I dont want to hurt myself.

Let me be very clear, I just keep seeing scenes of myself hurting myself in various ways

Spend $300 on clothing using a credit card I know I can't pay off 😈 I dont want to, I dont want to derail my progress.

Ask someone else to hold me knowing it'll probably turn into sex and its not her 😈 I just want her to hold me.

Create new scars 😈 Its been a long time, over 10 years and I'm the cleanest I've ever been.

Blow up my life again? 😈 I dont want to.

Fuck up my sleep patterns....I guess that might hit the spot 😬😵‍💫

[recoveringpsychotic]

I feel broken

....that's it

[recoveringpsychotic]

Things that make me anxious...

I'm worried about not getting my finances in order and setting myself up for the most success. I'm worried about not every actually being able to make myself open my doors for private practice. I'm so worried I'm no longer good at what I thought would be my career. I'm worried I'm too broken to help people heal. I'm worried I won't be able to be successful at private practice, even part time.

[recoveringpsychotic]

Tell Me I'm Sexy Spread

1. Card to Represent Me Right Now iNkosazana (Zulu/South Africa) – Goddess of Celestial Alignment – High Priestess Temple (Water Element) – Healer of Healers and teacher of teachers.

Guidance: Natural path is to be in alignment with your own divinity. Embodiment: No one can take from you what they didn’t give you. “I am always being guided in the right direction”

2. What Don't I See In Myself That Would Make Me Fall in Love With Me? Qetesh (Egypt) – Goddess of Sacred Lust – Lovers Temple (Fire Element) - "Mistress of the Gods", goddess of sacred sexuality, ecstasy, and fertility. Guidance: You are an erotic creature; you have a divine right to experience sensual ecstasy. Embodiment: It is sacred to give and receive pleasure. Lean into your sacred lust.

"It feels good to feel good."

3. What Do Other People Find Sexy About Me? Queen Nandi (Zulu) – Goddess of Intuition - Queens Temple (Fire Element) - Mother of the warrior king Shaka Zulu. Guidance: You already know. Take a deep breath and surrender to what you know to be true. Trust your inner wisdom and guidance. Embodiment: Put your hands over your third eye (center of your forehead) and ask, "If I knew what the answer is, what would it be" Then follow your first instinct. Slow down. Go for a walking meditation. Be present with nature and pay attention. Being present allows you to feel, hear, see, and sense your guidance.

"I am knowing"

4. What Should I do to Get Closer With My Sexy Side? Atete (Oromo/Ethopia) – Goddess of Worthiness - Warriors Temple (Bush Element) - Queen of the gods, fierce protector of women and girls. Guidance: Stop hiding, shrinking, and playing small. You are mighty. Embodiment: You matter. Worthiness is in your veins. Accept yourself now. You are deserving and worthy. The parts that you or others dislike are worth loving too.

"I matter"

5. What Beliefs About Myself Am I Ready To Release? Erzulie Dantor (Haiti) – Goddess of Etheric Cords - Lovers Temple (Fire Element) - Fought elbow to elbow with her people during the Haitian Revolution to protect mothers an children; represents the healing of the dark mother. Guidance: If it isn't wholehearted love, release it. Remember your worth. Embodiment: The energy cords binding you and somone you no longer wish to be attached to are strong. You must be willing to let go. See divine swords of God/dess's loving light separating you and dissolving the cords between you. You are both whole and healed. "I am worthy, compassionate, and whole"

6. A Card To Represent a Tip For My Sex Life Oya (Yoruba/Nigeria) – Goddess of Storms - Warriors Temple (Water Element) - Wielding her sword of truth; storms bring shift, rapid and uncontrollable change, and at times, chaos. Guidance: The winds of change are in motion. Personal storms clear away the old. Embodiment: What would you like to change? If you're not actively changing it, you're choosing it. Focus on what you want. The biggest thing holding you back is you. Feel your feelings. Honor your journey. Tell yourself the truth and practice self-compassion.

"I make shift happen"

[recoveringpsychotic]

Group Therapy Snapshots

Parts in the darkness to me (multiple voices): "To be seen as a child is a display of weakness that doesn't feel safe right now"

Me to my parts (the children within me): "Your pain is not going to scare me away. I am not afraid of yucky wounds. I will walk with you and hold your hand as long as you need me to."

[recoveringpsychotic]

Beauty in the Authentic 12.2.24

I was given the book Authentic Beauty as a teenager

Raised to believe that inside every young woman is a princess

In search of her prince, in culture that mocks our longing for tender romance

The book was supposed to be an invitation to begin a never-ending love story

The goal was to discover the authentic beauty of a life fully set-apart

In reading that book I realized I am indeed fully set-apart

Because inside the body of that young woman was/is not a princess

It is a prince searching for the authentic as an invitation to beauty

A young king in the making in a culture that mocks his ability to be tender

A young human refusing to be shackled by childish notions

A young human that longs for authenticity

Someone who began a never-ending love story

With themselves

Someone who discovered beauty in the authentic life

A life that set them fully apart

[recoveringpsychotic]

Snapshot of Your Life - Seeing the Bigger Picture Tarot Spread

1 - Represents the current main focus in the picture of my life

King of Pentacles

Represents ambition, success, generosity, loyalty, and precision

Enjoys luxury, but even more he likes having a full treasury and solid investments

He is analytical, stubborn and methodical

Possesses full confidence in himself

Likes a safe emotional distance from others, and protects what is his

Coins signifying wealth tumbling into flowing waves (water symbolizes transformation, nourishment, purification, and life's ephemeral nature)

2 - How my current life fits in to my life purpose

5 of Pentacles

Financial loss and poverty

The feeling of being isolated and alone, rejected or hopeless

It could mean that you need to ask for help from people who are there to support you

Don't be afraid to ask a friend for help or to offer help to someone in need

3 - An area of my life that has great composition (balance, organization)

3 of Cups

Heralds glad tidings

Friends gathered and celebrating

4 - What I'm currently moving toward

9 of Pentacles

Person of refinement who has reached a stage when she can enjoy the finer things in life

Independent and self-reliant

Living her fullest life in her truest form

The spotlight is on her, no shade here

Feeling her best self, serving abundance

5 - Something I should pause for better understanding

7 of Swords

Sneaky/deceptive, stealing swords from the opposition or his own troops

Not being able to be honest about honest about one's self

Without swords to fight the sailors would lose

If the Marine is caught he'll have to face the consequences

6 - Something I need to overexpose (pay more attention to)

Page of Wands

A confident young Caribbean man (Descendants of escaped slaves and local Carib Indians who remained independent of Europeans).

Embodies a rebellious attitude of the era, strength and bravery of the people.

Wand is firmly planted and blooms with new growth.

He brings a message of courage and independence

7 - How I can let more light in

The Magician

Holds the four elements of the four suits for they have control over all the necessary elements to manifest their intentions

They are between the heavens and the earth and have access to both

They move through the world of spirit and the world of men and have found wisdom and knowledge

[recoveringpsychotic]

TW: Self-Harm

I thought piercings and tattoos were my most socially acceptable forms of self harm. It was actually being married to a narcissistic abuser.

[recoveringpsychotic]

Goddess Temple Spread 8/19/24

Blue Super Moon - Full Moon

Soul – What does my soul need me to know?

                (34) Nunde – Goddess of Truth – Temple of Griots (Water) – “The truth is my friend”

Mind - What am I really thinking or feeling?

                (21) Soucouyant – Shadow of Scarcity – Temple of Shadows (Air) – “My blessings always overflow”

                Action: Make a gratitude list. What are you grateful for right now?

Body – What is happening with me physically?

                (36) Queen of Sheba – Goddess of Secrets Revealed – Temple of Queens – “I am connected to the Divine”

                Reminder: You don’t know what you don’t know.

Notes: Orange/Red (Warm), reflection