guys i promise someday i’ll stop overanalyzing the bench scene
but someday doesn’t start today……………………………anyways
TJ’s laughing about his grandparents, and revealing his real name, and Cyrus is smiling with him, but then starts to look at him like this:
and this is the signal. this is the signal that TJ has been waiting for, maybe since the chocolate chip muffin, even if he didn’t know it.
he wants to hold this kid’s hand more than anything he has ever wanted in his life.
but he is literally terrified.
this is a still of TJ right before he starts to reach for Cyrus’s hand:
and this expression just floored me. how incredibly SCARY it is for him to start moving his hand. because as far as we canonically know,
Cyrus is TJ’s first crush
TJ has not told anyone else about his feelings for Cyrus and may not have ever even admitted them to himself before this moment
TJ has not come out to anyone, possibly not even himself
He has already felt the impacts of implied homophobia from Kira so what happens if he is out and then it’s explicit
TJ does not know Cyrus’s sexuality
TJ does not know if Cyrus likes him back
TJ does not know for 100% SURE if Cyrus will accept him
Cyrus is the most important person in TJ’s life (aside from family probably) and is his entire support system.
He is the first person he allowed himself to be vulnerable with
He literally dropped all of his friends because they put Cyrus in danger
Cyrus was the only one who could get the “nice person on the inside” to come out because he was the only one patient enough
TJ loves him and respects him and admires him and likes to help him and accepts his help in return
And it’s just like. All his life from a young age he put up walls, and learned its easier to be mean bc then people won’t mess with you. and so you go into every situation with defenses up, trying to look strong bc looking weak is being weak. you aren’t a boy with a learning disability, no, you’re a cool mean jock who just doesn’t care about school, or anyone else, whatever. and people either hate you or fear you and thats great.
and then you meet this boy, and he doesn’t care about looking weak, in fact its his Entire Brand. he is kind and soft and likes talking about feelings. he is patient and easy to talk to. he is everything you aren’t and he should hate you just like his best friend does, but instead he opens up to you, in a way no one else has. so you do the unthinkable and open yourself up in return. and once you do this theres no turning back. he’s nice and funny and makes you laugh, he makes you feel accepted and safe, he will call you out when you make mistakes, which then makes you be a better person. and you find yourself wanting to be better for him and for you. and all thanks to this one person you are completely different. this one person who you love more than anyone. the only person you can talk to like this.
And it made me think of this line back in Season 3a:
Losing Cyrus would rip TJ to shreds. By making a move on him, by holding his hand, it is possible that he could ruin their relationship. TJ cares about Cyrus so deeply it aches. Anytime they have been in a fight, TJ has shut down COMPLETELY. What they have is so good. Taking Cyrus’s hand could make it better, but what if it made it worse?
But TJ, with all this in mind, with all of this fear and horror, still moves his fingers just a bit. Because he has to hold this kid’s hand. he has to tell him. Cyrus needs to know, because TJ tells Cyrus everything. And this is the last wall, the only thing now he has not been open about. This is and always has been the unspoken thing. And TJ is done hiding. Cyrus taught him to be brave, to love himself, and that there was nothing wrong with him. And he trusts Cyrus.
So TJ Kippen reaches out his hand. :’)
pretty sure its andimack
