To summarize the wild ride that is Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott:
Ivanhoe, the titular character, is in approximately 3 total scenes
There are like 10 chapters dedicated to a jousting tournament, at the end of which the author bemoans the fact that relatively few people were killed and only a handful were permanently disabled by the contest
Cut to a wildly existential section about knights fighting for glory only to be utterly forgotten by everyone in a few years
Is he a feminist?? Is he not?? It’s really hard to tell
Both of the love interests have names that start with R and the only way they are distinguishable is because they’re kidnapped and put in separate rooms
The knights who kidnapped said love interests both try seducing their respective chosen ladies. Rowena snaps the man’s ego in half and then begins to cry. Rebecca threatens to jump out the window. Neither of them is seduced
Cut to the hallway: both knights realize they know exactly 0 things about seducing women
The book then becomes a Robin Hood fanfiction
The army outside the castle sends a letter to the army inside the castle. They realize that none of them know how to read
There’s like 4 different people impersonating the clergy
The entire battle for the castle is told by Rebecca who narrates what’s happening to the wounded Ivanhoe by sticking her head out the window
Nobody wins the battle. A madwoman lights the castle on fire
The Saxons’ only candidate for king dies in said battle. They have a very sad funeral for him
The Saxons’ only candidate for king shows up at his funeral. He’s not dead. Whose body do they have??? Nobody knows
The last 80 pages is a speed run through English medieval politics, wherein Ivanhoe finally actually does something
Is he anti-Semitic?? Is he not?? It’s really hard to tell
Cut to a wildly existential section about the tragedy of colonialism and the self-inflicted destruction of Saxon culture by their gradual intermingling with the invading Normans
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