everything is an adventure @reneg-ade - Tumblr Blog

everyone please appreciate the irony of this pride flag in my closet...

(for the record, it was there because it was all crumpled from being folded for too long and I hoped it would smooth out a bit hanging up in there before I put it up properly, but I did laugh out loud when I realised what I was doing 😂)

#personal #queer #pride #sort of 😂

petaltexturedskies

If, then, I were asked for the most important advice I could give, that which I considered to be the most useful to the men of our century, I should simply say: in the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.

Leo Tolstoy, Essays, Letters and Miscellanies

reneg-ade

so I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about this on here (there are exactly two people I've spoken to about in real life, and one of them was kind of accidental) but I decided if anywhere is the place for it, it's probably tumblr so whateverrr

I think I might be non-binary? or really I'm pretty sure, I just don't know what to do with it yet. I love where I live in so many ways but one of the downsides is that I often come back to the thought that it feels impossible to be as queer as I am here. it's not even that people are intolerant or something (if anything I've been surprised in a positive direction a few times, which is great obv) but like. it's one thing that I'm bi. everyone more or less understands that's a thing at this point, and it kind of comes up anyway (was kinda seeing a woman earlier this year, so I would have had to actively hide that which yeah no). but this feels like a whole new level and the mere idea of trying to explain it to people exhausts me. I just... really don't want to have those conversations.

it's both better and worse that I don't feel thaaat strongly about certain things. for example I do prefer they in english but I haven't found a pronoun I like in german or french, both of which are super gendered languages anyway and I don't particularly mind using she there. I think maybe I don't even care what other people use for me but referring to myself with things that don't feel like they fit me anymore feels increasingly Bad. but I've actually just mostly stopped doing that, and I think for the most part no one even notices because it's subtle and people don't pay attention that closely haha. when I say it's also worse, I mean that it makes me feel like I'm making it up, it's not that big a deal, it's a phase (although I hate that one because even if something is a phase, why should we have to suffer that whole time? as long as changes aren't permanent I don't see that as a reason against doing something about it at all. for other people, that is.), I'm just being whingey, etc etc.

anyway so that's actually an easier one. most of the difficult ones are such small things that feel silly to even think about... and yet. a couple months ago I was in france seeing the extended ski crew and we were playing codenames one evening and made groups based on how we were sitting and they just happened to like, gender align. our side being referred to as the girls team felt so bad for me I wondered if I should just get out. it's worse when it comes from people I'm super close to even though of course they can't know something I haven't told them.

the big one I'm struggling with most right now is my name. I randomly landed on something that felt right a few months ago without even actively looking and it just feels more and more me and I feel more and more alienated from my "real" name and it's kind of sad because I love being called by name by people I like, or even overhearing a friend talk about me. now it just feels like they're talking about someone I barely know anymore. but asking people to call me something else feels like such a big deal?? I don't really care about what's on my passport for now (although let me tell you the excitement is real anytime I can use my academic title not because it's an academic title but simply because it isn't mr or mrs. german tends to ruin this with the dreaded "frau dr." but english forms work great lol), it's just about the day to day stuff. I should maybe just tell at least my close friends? but even that feels soooo daunting.

sooo. change my name on here to feel it out? soft launch to myself?

not to mention my body image which is basically in a ditch 90% of the time, but yeah. one thing after another?

reneg-ade

thanks so much for all the kind replies everyone!! can't even tell you how much I appreciate it. so here's to a new url for the first time literally ever. hi I'm ade :)

#taking a biiiig breath #personal #summer 2026 #nb

so I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about this on here (there are exactly two people I've spoken to about in real life, and one of them was kind of accidental) but I decided if anywhere is the place for it, it's probably tumblr so whateverrr

I think I might be non-binary? or really I'm pretty sure, I just don't know what to do with it yet. I love where I live in so many ways but one of the downsides is that I often come back to the thought that it feels impossible to be as queer as I am here. it's not even that people are intolerant or something (if anything I've been surprised in a positive direction a few times, which is great obv) but like. it's one thing that I'm bi. everyone more or less understands that's a thing at this point, and it kind of comes up anyway (was kinda seeing a woman earlier this year, so I would have had to actively hide that which yeah no). but this feels like a whole new level and the mere idea of trying to explain it to people exhausts me. I just... really don't want to have those conversations.

it's both better and worse that I don't feel thaaat strongly about certain things. for example I do prefer they in english but I haven't found a pronoun I like in german or french, both of which are super gendered languages anyway and I don't particularly mind using she there. I think maybe I don't even care what other people use for me but referring to myself with things that don't feel like they fit me anymore feels increasingly Bad. but I've actually just mostly stopped doing that, and I think for the most part no one even notices because it's subtle and people don't pay attention that closely haha. when I say it's also worse, I mean that it makes me feel like I'm making it up, it's not that big a deal, it's a phase (although I hate that one because even if something is a phase, why should we have to suffer that whole time? as long as changes aren't permanent I don't see that as a reason against doing something about it at all. for other people, that is.), I'm just being whingey, etc etc.

anyway so that's actually an easier one. most of the difficult ones are such small things that feel silly to even think about... and yet. a couple months ago I was in france seeing the extended ski crew and we were playing codenames one evening and made groups based on how we were sitting and they just happened to like, gender align. our side being referred to as the girls team felt so bad for me I wondered if I should just get out. it's worse when it comes from people I'm super close to even though of course they can't know something I haven't told them.

the big one I'm struggling with most right now is my name. I randomly landed on something that felt right a few months ago without even actively looking and it just feels more and more me and I feel more and more alienated from my "real" name and it's kind of sad because I love being called by name by people I like, or even overhearing a friend talk about me. now it just feels like they're talking about someone I barely know anymore. but asking people to call me something else feels like such a big deal?? I don't really care about what's on my passport for now (although let me tell you the excitement is real anytime I can use my academic title not because it's an academic title but simply because it isn't mr or mrs. german tends to ruin this with the dreaded "frau dr." but english forms work great lol), it's just about the day to day stuff. I should maybe just tell at least my close friends? but even that feels soooo daunting.

sooo. change my name on here to feel it out? soft launch to myself?

not to mention my body image which is basically in a ditch 90% of the time, but yeah. one thing after another?

#also there are even MORE identity things I could talk about #like the whole aro/ace spec possibility #but I don't even understand myself fully yet so there's no way I'll talk about it to people who need me to explain it #I've been clear about this one to myself for months and still can't talk about it #fun! ugh #writing this out feels like a relief and then way too vulnerable #I guess I can always delete it #anyway #if you read this thanks ily #personal #me #mine #home #summer 2026 #nb #maybe #probably #queer

signs I've been in swizzy for too long

(also thanks to @splendidly-odd I now think about my teeth every time I drink something carbonated... dammit)

#really just signs I hang out with too many swizzies but same thing #a certain someone is a terrible influence on me #but we're not talking about that!!#let's talk about how the can matches the grass in the background instead #I love sitting in this spot because the water is so loud I can't hear my brain 👍#personal #summer 2026 #s

how I feel about being recovered enough to on easy hikes only 3 weeks post surgery 🙌😍

#seriously so much better than I everrrr dreamed #it's such a relief to have the surgery behind me I can't even tell you #and now it's finally sunny and warm too #I feel alive again 😭🥹#personal #me #mine #home #my mountains #summer 2026 #back saga

How's the healing progress going? 🫂

ahh thanks for asking!! much better than I would have dreamed actually. still some limitations in daily life and obviously no real training yet but I can go on long walks as long as the terrain is easy and that makes everything 15x better. I'm so grateful to have the surgery behind me!

#and my bestie being here makes everything 15x better again #so really that's pretty good #personal #asks #anon #I can't remember what I was using to tag the surgery stuff #back saga #I think