Signs it's getting bad again:
Biting my lips, making any tiny bit of chapped-ness worse and bleed. Picking at my cuticles until they also bleed and swell.
Every segue or sidestory in every conversation is a negative one. And I downplay it as self deprecating but it's mostly uncomfortable for everyone in earshot. Then the overcompensating that haha no but everything's fine, it's fine.
Disinterested in sex (not the partner, just the act) because it feels like a chore that requires preparation with time & energy I don't have. And masturbating is straight up boring. No dopamine.
Disinterested in showers, because hair is too complicated. Once in the shower, I don't want to leave, because it's warm and quiet. The whole thing feels like an absolute chore.
The scalp psoriasis becomes raging again, so much hair comes out with just a brush, and not brushing results in a rats nest.
ADHD becomes unmanageable when she's not here to ground me. My rational brain says everything's fine and you're stressing yourself out over nothing, but the dysfunction tells me if I do something else right now, there will be dopamine in the achievement. Nothing gets achieved. No dopamine scored. Only an anxiety attack.
Hairpin trigger at work, where it becomes monotonous and I crave some chaos, but the moment the chaos is out of my control, I have a mental meltdown.
Hairpin trigger at her. She's doing her best to tolerate my moodiness, but can't understand that my nerves are shot, and yes it's mostly "my fault" but it's also entirely out of my control. Pushing away or hurting the one person that gets the raw me isn't the goal, and yet, here am I succeeding.
The crash after the depressive break to the mania, where I've made myself physically ill from the anxiety - running a full set of symptoms of a migraine without the splitting headache, and sleep for 10+ hours. Try not to vomit at work.
Impulsively deciding to cut all my hair off.
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