Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā all things considered, zhengting thinks heās pretty lucky.Ā he hasnāt messed up on stage yet, hasnāt stumbled over his lyrics, and hasnāt gotten his ass kicked for being a lil bitchāthatās all good in his books.Ā but then, as fate would have it, he runs into @rkhyunā on the rooftop.Ā now, the two of themā¦ he wouldnāt call them close, but theyāre far from acquaintances, seeing the proximity of this group.Ā they havenāt spoken much, and though that didnāt bother zhengting at first, itās starting to feel strange.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āhey.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā itās so awkward that he considers leaving, but a part of him knows leaving would just make whatever they have between themĀ ( which is not much at all )Ā worse.Ā so he stays and takes up the space next to the railing, leaning over just a bit to see the city below.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā then, out of nowhere, he asks,Ā ādid i do something to offend you?āĀ since yāknow, at this point, itās usuallyĀ zhengting.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āwho are you?āĀ he blurts, even though he already has an idea.Ā itās not, by any means, a greatĀ idea -- but he thinks he knows his friend well enough by now to make someĀ assumption.
Ā Ā Ā Ā he eyes the guyĀ (Ā he canāt help it ).Ā tallish, rather distinctive features, though less broad in the shoulders compared to the ex.Ā his grip tightens around the plastic bag in his left hand -- leftovers from the dorms, heād say.Ā itās enough for two, and that does notĀ include this man right here.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āis ten home?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā he debates leaving.Ā clearly, the air of awkwardness is already filtering between him and @sichengrkā -- any longer would make it unbearable.Ā but he needs to see ten in personĀ (Ā he shouldāve called first, stupid, stupidĀ ).
Ā Ā Ā Ā āiām a friend.āĀ he adds this a beat later, just in case.
[ tw: mentions of physical & mental abuse, mentions of eating disorders, mentions of weight ]Ā
being held by someone, especially zhengting, makes this all feel a whole lot less scary. itās as though, without arms around him at that moment, he might shatter into teeny tiny pieces like delicate glass. start from the beginning, zhengting asks, and yet ten isnāt even sure where the beginning is. is it back home, in thailand, with his dad, older brother and stepmother making his life hell, or was it when he became a trainee, or maybe when he was chosen for spheres, at the time, unnamed boy group?
Ā Ā Ā Ā [Ā ---Ā ]
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā zhengting really hates himself.Ā it doesnāt come from lower self-esteem, no, not this time.Ā he hates himself, because he listens unbiased, unwavering;Ā he holds himself strong, holds himself upward, since thatās whatās needed from him right now.Ā and he hates this, all of this, because he doesnāt break when he hears about tenās childhood -- but he doesĀ when he hears about ten sleeping around.Ā of everything thatās been said, of everything he shouldāve felt more compassionate and empathetic for, his chest chooses to clench at the words sleep around.
Ā Ā Ā Ā why?
Ā Ā Ā Ā he dwells in guilt, drenches himself with mental pinches to wake up, WAKE UP.Ā and he does, temporarily.Ā his hold on ten tightens as he continues to listen, tightens more as he tries to simply comprehend.Ā itās a lot.Ā itās a lot moreĀ than what he expects from ten, what he expects from this friendship, actually.Ā the first time theyād had met, years and years ago when they were shy of twelve, ten was chipper then.Ā chipper, adventurous, full of energy and excitement.Ā as time went on, his perception of ten had never changed.Ā sure, theyāve been through various ups and downs, that just comes with being friends with someone for this long, but ten has always been... well, not like this.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āiām glad.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā the words escape him without initial thought.Ā he doesnāt know what else to say.Ā so for a moment more, he sits there with his arms still tight -- perhaps too tight -- around ten.Ā he thinks of what he can say, how he can express these feelings that weigh down his heart, his soulĀ even.Ā in the end, he settles with whatās on his mind.Ā it all condenses into a single factor, a single streamline concept:
Ā Ā Ā Ā āiām glad you told me.āĀ iām glad you trusted me enough to.Ā Ā āand iām glad youāre doing better.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā he finds his fingernails digging into tenās arms once more, and only then does he realize how tightly heās been holding on -- how suffocating it must be for tenĀ (Ā and yet, how warm ).Ā it comes with hesitation, but he finally lets go.Ā he finally lets his hands trail back to tenās shoulders, so he can push himself away.Ā but not too far, never too far.Ā just---just far enough to see tenās face.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āyou look good.Ā better.Ā squishable.āĀ he pats tenās cheek, then gives it a rather hard pinch.Ā tough love, he calls it.Ā Ā ā you know iām here for you, right?Ā always.Ā canāt believe you went through all of that without telling me.āĀ and then quieter:Ā Ā ābut i understand why.āĀ theyāre friends, theyāre close, but this is a level of closeness thatās beyond what they once were.Ā that, and because heās nearly certainĀ that itās because ten doesnāt want to burden him.
Ā Ā Ā Ā ah, yes.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āi mean it, though.āĀ still quiet, still gentle.Ā Ā āiāll always be here.Ā so whatever youāre going through, iām -- iāll be here.Ā anytime.āĀ a pause, rather long.Ā Ā āso whatās... whatās going on now?Ā are you doing okay?Ā not like, in general.Ā but tonight.ā
Migraines? This he could handle. No, what he got was worseĀ than a migraine. It made having a migraine look like a walk in the park. Every time these headaches came on his whole body would ache as if he were burning from the inside out. He could hardly focus on the outside world, instead consumed by the pain and agony.
Suddenly, there was a rattling that pierced his eyes, hurting him even more and he groaned as he held his head, comvering his ears. He no longer cared how he looked. He just wanted the pain gone. His eyes had not opened since he had closed them long ago, as if the darkness was somehow helping him.
When he finally opened his eyes to see what the rattling was, he was greeted with a bottle of pain killers and Zhengting holding it. He couldnāt even force a smile since he was sure it would come out as a grimace so he simply took the bottle and downed probably more tablets than he should have. These headaches were the kind you had to wait out, but medicatio sometimes helped.
ā Thanks, ā he spoke horsely. He closed his eyes again as he cradled his head. ā Itās just a headache that sets my whole body on fire. Itās nothing to worry about. ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā he panics, because that is more than the recommended amount.Ā he panics, because āwhole body on fireā sounds like something sungmin should be in the hospital for.Ā he panics, because he's not sure what to do.Ā should he call for an ambulance?Ā sungmin doesnāt soundĀ like he needs one, nor has he asked for one.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āwhat do you mean itās on fire?Ā do you -- should we---we should get you to the hospital.āĀ for a moment too long, he doesnāt move;Ā he allows his words to linger in the air, almost as if heās prompting sungmin to give him permission---permission to do what, exactly?
āyou will burn all the calories before itās time to eat dinner,ā he nods, jaehyun who had been an athlete all his life knew a healthy diet was important but also knew what not eating could do to a body,Ā āyouāll be a bigger annoyance if you donāt eat and go hungry for the rest of the shoot,ā he nods as he eats a part of the sandwich that had been lying there waiting for him,Ā āstop making excuses for yourself and just eat.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā he recalls, quite vividly, a time when his mother smacked the back of his hand and told him to behave.Ā heās older than you, she snipped, you do not speak to him like that, even if he is wrong.Ā and from that point on, itās been instilled in zhengting that those whoāre born first deserve more respect, regardless of how they act and how they treat those beneath them.Ā heās bowed his head to the unworthy and bitten his tongue whenever theyād spew lies -- and as such, he expects those younger than himĀ to do the same.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā (Ā he keeps telling himself that it doesnāt matter, that it shouldnāt matter;Ā but truth is, heās not as progressive as he wants to be.Ā )
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā it irks him just a bit, because jaehyunās right.Ā he knows heās right, but hearing the younger tellingĀ him to do something -- it doesnāt sit well.Ā at first, zhengting keeps his mouth shut, his fingers toying with the side of the sandwich that looks somehow less appetizing than before.Ā then, all of a sudden, they still.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āyou do realize iām older than you, right?āĀ he looks over at jaehyun.Ā of course, he realizes.Ā the other has called him hyungĀ before.Ā Ā āsaying that iām an annoyance... or implying that i canĀ become an annoyance doesnāt come across as respectful, even if you use formalities.ā
when the lunch break rolled around, seonghwa was ready to take a nap. the first thing he did was take a seat next to zhengting. it had been a busy morning, up bright and early at 4am. āhowās the day going for you?ā seonghwa wasnāt that hungry, all he had in front of him was a bottle of water. āgetting up at four am, it shouldnāt feel this hard seeing what our training was like.ā it wasnāt as if he hadnāt woken up this early before.
ārecording a music video is something different.ā that was the only way he could explain it, it felt like it drained him just a little more. āthat being said, itās been a pretty fun time.ā he was tired but it was rewording and heād enjoy all of his memories later. āright now though? iām just ready to sleep.āĀ
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āyeah,āĀ zhengting says, mindlessly almost.Ā he doesnāt disclose how he didnāt even getĀ sleep the night prior and how the makeup artist, poor soul, berated him for having eye bags.Ā Ā āitās exhausting.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā he feels closed off -- as if his brain had shut down, and heās desperately grappling to stay awake;Ā but the odd thing is, heās not even tired.Ā heās wide awake, his heart thundering away for no precise reason.Ā his fingers curl around his drink, his grip tightening as he tries to quell the jitters that have taken over.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ādo you ever think about it?āĀ he starts a moment later, slower.Ā Ā āwhether or not weād be hated by the fanbase?Ā since we replaced a lot of their favorites.āĀ itās a completely different topic but one thatās been on his mind for a while now.
it was finally that time of the day, lunchtimeā jaehyun could feel his stomach growling slightly as he looked at the food that had been prepared. next to him, howeverā he noticed someone that didnāt seem excited about food, more stressed and fidgety than anything,Ā āhyung?ā he looks over at zhengting, lifting his brows curiously as he watches the older pace. he felt the stress build up in himself just by looking at himāĀ ālets eatā¦ā he suggested but before the words could register with zhengting the older had already pushed his lunch over to jaehyun.
āstill growing?ā
jaehyun slowly starts eating his own lunch but he keeps an eye on the older, wondering what is bothering him, then he sees himā attempting to the staff clean and jaehyun sighs. he finishes his bite, stands up and walks over to where the other is just as he starts cleaning,Ā āwhat are you doing?ā
it was confusing for him to watch the olderā but he was aware of how rigid and stressed he could get, that he knew from the time they had practiced together for aju nice, zhengting was the complete opposite of jaehyun. or at least, jaehyun didnāt fidget as much as the older did, even if he was stressed he usually managed to stay calm and think rationallyā¦ something zhengting seemed to lackāĀ āitās lunch, you need to eat.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā he tries to play it off with a simple,Ā Ā āiāll eat later.āĀ the only problem with playing it off like this is there is no laterĀ until dinner.Ā physically, heād be starving by that point and would, subsequently, get grouchy.Ā and grouchy zhengting is not too far off from stressed zhengting -- both nearly always resulting in him saying a few harsh words that are better left for quiet dorm banters.
Ā Ā Ā Ā but he cannot bring himself to eat, lest stay still, for that matter.Ā Ā āwhat are youĀ doing?āĀ he asks, turning the question back on the younger.Ā Ā āyou need to eat.āĀ --Ā tooĀ is on the tip of his tongue, but he doesnāt tack it on;Ā he doesnāt want any verbal confirmation that he agrees with jaehyun, even though he does wholeheartedly.
Ā Ā Ā Ā ādonāt worry about me.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā he continues scrubbing away at the chair.Ā Ā ādid they not think this through?āĀ he mutters.Ā Ā āmustard and ketchup...Ā thatās just creating unnecessary work for themselves.Ā canāt imagine how weād actually look on screen.Ā probably ridiculous, or like kids with no self-control.āĀ theyāre thoughtless murmurs, here to fill the space, so he doesnātĀ have to acknowledge the stress thatās still gnawing at his core.
Ā Ā Ā Ā and then his stomach growls.
Ā Ā Ā Ā he stops, then sighs, pushing himself up to full stance.Ā Ā āokay.Ā iāll eat.āĀ he doesnāt know if heās telling that to jaehyun or himself, but he doesĀ find himself back at the table, sitting in front of the plate that heās so graciously pushed over.Ā and he doesnāt eat.Ā his stomach churns, and he lets it.Ā Ā āthis isnāt healthy,āĀ he comments, gesturing at the food.Ā Ā ātoo many calories for the weight they want us at.āĀ and now heās just making excuses.
his jaw tightens as he grits his teeth together. thereās too many things for him to progress at once.on one hand he wants to punch zhengting, on the other he wants to cling to him and beg him not to go. rationally speaking he know he doesnāt have the right for either though. alas he stands rooted in his place, paralyzed by the situation and his hands shaking as his fingers clench and un-clench themselves.
ābullshit-,ā he canāt help but utter in response to him wanting to make the couple more comfortable.Ā āyou donātā¦ want to be here cause it hurts and I get that- but donāt make this about us being uncomfortable, donāt you dare turn this around and make it look like youāre doing us a favor,ā he spits, voice hoarse as he tries to keep his own emotions at bay.
he tugs off his glasses in a rush while his thumb and index finger furiously rub at his eyes. he canāt cry again. heās so fucking tired of crying.Ā ādo you really think youāre doing me a favor by lea-,ā he canāt even speak the word out without choking up. swallowing heavily he feels a new surge of anger boil up. theyāve been over this, zhengting knew exactly what he was going through, from his fear of being left behind when all of his friends were tugged into a group just after he had finally managed to catch up to them again. he had made himself vulnerable and opened up to zhengting and yet here he was, doing exactly what jeongguk admitted to fearing the most.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āwhat am i supposed to do, stay and suffer?āĀ the question leaves him before he can even fully comprehend it.Ā he stares at jeongguk, his brow furrowed, his expression pinched in disbelief.Ā the guilt he had harbored a mere minute before has now dissipated into fits of unfiltered turmoil.Ā Ā āthis isnāt about how you feel,āĀ he snaps.Ā Ā āthis isnāt about you.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā except it is.Ā it has always been about jeongguk.Ā ever since he realized what he felt toward the other was more than what he shouldĀ feel, his perspective began to change.Ā slowly but surely, he started doing things that were outside of his usual character:Ā staying up those late hours so jeongguk didnāt have to drink on his own.Ā chasing jeongguk wherever he went, wheneverĀ he went, just to drag him back home.Ā even pausing outside his room every so often, hesitant to enter, but always listening to make sure jeongguk wasnāt crying alone.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā all he did, he did for him.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā and that includes leaving.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āyou donāt know what this feels like.Ā youāll neverĀ know,Ā ācause you always get what you want.Ā you have this . . . fucking place.Ā you have money.Ā you have people who care for you---more than youāll ever know.Ā you haveĀ things, jeongguk.āĀ he knows he shouldnāt have brought up money, shouldnāt have dragged in other people, because this isnāt about any of that.Ā itās about them.Ā but with his mind ablaze and his tongue on fire, he canāt stop himself.Ā Ā āall i want right now,āĀ he begins again, quieter this time, his voice cracking,Ā Ā āis you . . .Ā and i canāt have that, can i?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā the picture crumples in his fist, but he doesnāt throw it away.Ā he canātĀ throw it away.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āiām begging you.āĀ his lips quiver as he drops to a mere whisper.Ā Ā āplease, canāt i be selfish like you for once?ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā just let me go, 'cause i canāt let you go.
without names, thereās no way he could have known. that particular private detail had never been uttered between them when they spoke of infatuations and warm feelings inside them before, voices hushed low so jeongguk wouldnāt hear. maintaining that bit of confidentiality took away any fears of the truth somehow slipping, granting them the reassurance that their secrets would stay safe with each other and with themselves. jeongguk would never know because zhengting and jimin didnāt know.
never did it occur to him that their feelings could be about the same person.Ā blind to it, jimin had told zhengting he hoped that the younger and jeongguk could be happy together, that zhengting wouldnāt know unless he took a chance. he had genuinely wished for zhengtingās feelings to be returned, that jeonggukĀ ā his boyfriend ā would love him back.
itās all too much. he canāt take it.Ā heās stunned, canāt process anything anymore beyond the wave of nausea and denial that crashes over him.
he collapses into sobs, apologies streaming from his lips.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā no, youāre not.Ā he wants to say.Ā youāre not sorry.Ā in the end, he chose you.Ā in the end, you won.Ā these are the thoughts that plague his mind in darkened flurries -- thoughts heād never thought heād surrender himself to.Ā heās never been the kindest person, but heās always been fair, heās always been reasonable.Ā when others are distraught, heās the eye of the storm, the calm center that draws everyone inward, warming them from the cold that persists.Ā not once has he ever been the storm itself.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āiām---ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā sorry?
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā is that what he wants to say?Ā or does he feel inclined to say that, because thatās what a goodĀ person would say?Ā it burdens him -- this heavy feeling in his chest, the fire that blooms into his fingertips, which are now clawing into jiminās shirt, into jiminās skin.Ā he holds on tight, tighter than heās ever held onto anyone.Ā itās not out support, not out of chivalry for their shared heartache.Ā no, itās something nastier.Ā foul.Ā abhorrent.Ā he clings to jimin, so jimin can feelĀ him.Ā feel how frustration burns him, how resentment thunders with each heartbeat.Ā feel what he has done---
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā had he been the one who was chosen, jimin would be in his exact position.Ā he had no doubt that jimin -- sweet, kind-hearted jimin -- would also feel a bit betrayed.Ā this is all circumstantial, and in thinking about it, itās probably best that this is the final result.Ā he knows that heād be okay in just a few weeks, but jimin wouldāve taken longer.Ā thatās how he sees it.Ā jimin needsĀ more, and itās for this reason that zhengting feels protective over him.Ā itās a strange, strange feeling, considering jimin is older -- but look at them now:Ā whoās holding who?Ā who needs reassurance?
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āitās -- donāt.Ā itās not your fault.Ā you . . . didnāt know.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā he chokes back a sob as the realization hits him at long last.Ā and what an awful realization it is -- heās always been second choice.Ā the people heās dated, those heās chased after -- they only reciprocated because they were lonely.Ā and because heās always been there as the person to lean on, the shoulder to cry over, itās natural to fill that gap.Ā jeongguk is no different.Ā for him, itās jimin.Ā it has always been jimin.Ā he had no chance to begin with.Ā this, he shouldāve known.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āām sorry,āĀ he mutters into jiminās ear.Ā Ā ādonāt let this -- let meĀ -- get in the way of your . . .āĀ happiness.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā when did he become this sort of person?Ā someone who wanted to see others fall?Ā no---heās resentful, agonized beyond reason, but he wonāt let himself stand between people.Ā jimin and jeongguk are his friends.Ā no matter what, he canāt bring himself to be any more vile.Ā his grip loosens, and his forehead falls against jiminās shoulder.Ā he caves, like always.Ā āyouāll be okay,āĀ he murmurs.Ā Ā āitāll work out.āĀ defaulting to reassurance, thatās what heās always been good at.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā silence lingers for a moment more.Ā his heart slows, his eyelids fluttering shut.Ā itās then that he asks gently, quietly:
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā to no oneās surprise, zhengting is stressed.Ā again.Ā a single peek at this monthās schedule had sent him spiraling into fits of hyperventilation -- all of which led to frantic pacing wherever deemable.Ā unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for some, the restaurant theyāre all situated in isnāt big enough for him to walk about in circles, at least, not with it filled to the brim with the film crew and fellow group members.Ā (Ā surely, this is breaking some sort of fire safety code, but whoās checking? )
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā stomach churning, he pushes his untouched lunch toward @rkharu.Ā Ā āhere,āĀ he murmurs.Ā Ā āyouāre still growing.āĀ an excuse, but itās technicallyĀ true.Ā technically.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā for a moment more, he considers sticking around, seeing that itās not too terribly polite to wander off, even for a breather.Ā but at one point, the mere sight of everyone eating and looking ever so chipper makes him even moreĀ nervous.Ā so he opts to leave for a bit of solace -- solace, he quickly finds, in cleaning.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āhere, let me help.āĀ he grabs one of the wet towels and wrings it dry, his nose scrunching at the smell of mustard and ketchup.Ā a number of them, him included, had squeezed the condiments all over the premises during one of their shoots;Ā and ever the tidy sort, heās itchingĀ to help wipe it up despite protests from the nice film crew staff.Ā Ā āitās fine,āĀ he tells her as he rubs mustard off the side of the chair,Ā Ā āitās our mess.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā lately, heās forgotten how to thank people.Ā day after day, schedule after schedule, heās traded in mindfulness and gratitude for an extra five minutes of sleep.Ā for months, this had gone on without an inkling or inclination to just stopĀ and realize what heās been given.Ā heās hounded his friends, dear family, with endless streams of complaints -- practice is too long, breaks are too short, concepts are too relaxed for his tense demeanor.Ā not once did he let himself appreciate a rare opportunity.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā filming felt surreal, tiresome.Ā by time they wrapped up -- one in the morning, a new regular -- heās already feeling his usual grouchiness.Ā he thinks to leave first, so he can just climb into the van and crash in the backseat;Ā but weeks of being with the older members has taught him discipline in this regard.Ā he stays planted in place and is glad that he had done so.Ā theyāre to formally thank the staff for the hard work done throughout the day -- had he left when he wanted to, surely that wouldāve been the worst possibleĀ impression he could ever make.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā so there he is, swooped into numerous head bows as he gives words of gratitude to each staff member.Ā they look as tired as him, and sound as much, but they accept his gesture with bright smiles regardless -- admirable, considering itās hard for him to crack a smile himself.Ā the light-hearted nature of their comeback had him grinning more than usual, and in truth, his entire face hurts.Ā heās not sure if this is something he can get used to;Ā heās not too fond of smiling in the first place, but if the staff members can do it after a long day, if his groupmatesĀ can do it, then he has no choice but to engrave that into muscle memory.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā at long last, the session concludes.Ā on the way out, he feels someone patting his back in victory.Ā itāll turn out well, donāt worry.Ā and he canāt help but scoff in amusement.Ā heās always been bad at hiding his stress.
A staff member leads you down Sphereās winding hallways to Baek Jiyoungās office, then opens the door and leads you inside, where the CEO awaits, sitting at her desk. She looks up immediately when you enter, a sunny smile gracing her lovely features. Seated across from her desk, next to an empty chair, is a company lawyer whom you recognize from before; they had been present when you signed your initial company contract. The staff member directs you to take the empty chair next to the lawyer and then leaves. You hear the door close and the latch clicks back into place.
Baek Jiyoung claps her hands together, her eyes settling on yours. āWhen trainees first sign a contract with a company, they are devoting themselves to at least two years of training. They usually donāt expect the time to pass so quickly, but it does,ā she says aloud thoughtfully. āYears of training and hopes leads to one dream usually: debut.ā
āBut, youāre no ordinary trainee. We chose you from a different company and brought you here with a specific goal. Iāve seen you grow these past few months in your training and the coaches have had plenty of praise and constructive advice for you.ā She pauses and diverts her attention back to her desk, where she shuffles paperwork until she sets one singular sheet of paper in front of herself. āIāve been proud of your growth here, and I trust you to do your best to continue to improve, even after debut. This, here,ā she says, motioning towards the document, āis a contract exclusive to CONVEX and will tie you to this group, and to Sphere Entertainment, for the next six years.ā
Baek Jiyoungās eyes warm with pride as she hands you a pen. āIf we share the same vision of making CONVEX one of the top boy groups in all of Korea, and you wish to stay with us for the long journey, sign right here on the dotted line.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā when he was first pulled from nova, he thought for certainĀ his mouth had gotten him in trouble.Ā his second thought, which came a few abashed seconds afterwards, was theyāre going to kick me out.Ā in retrospect, he wasnāt entirely wrong.
Ā Ā Ā Ā distantly, he finds the lawyerās gaze -- the same one he recalls from nearly a year ago.Ā he had signed on a whim then, knowing his training in circus tricks would be rendered useless in an idol producing company.Ā essentially, what he had worked toward became meaninglessly with a single decision, and if heās to make thisĀ decision, it would just drill it in further:Ā he has wasted nearly fifteen years of his life on an art he canāt proudly perform.Ā thatās hard to grasp.
Ā Ā Ā Ā the thing with him is that he doesnāt like change.Ā he doesnāt like when things donāt go as planned, when the future looks like a muddled mess.Ā heās not goodĀ at the impromptu stuff.Ā and even if the contract presents him with six years of set schedules, heād still have to first adjust.Ā heās no stranger to cramming things into his timeline and losing sleep, but moving into a dorm with twelve others -- twelveĀ who are already well-acquainted with each other, heās sure -- thatās where his worries lie.Ā heās not the most agreeable person, this heās come to terms with.Ā one misstep, and the entire group could hate him forever.Ā thatāll make six years of absolute hell.
Ā Ā Ā Ā but on the flip side, maybe heāll get along with them.Ā maybe this is his chance to growĀ with them.Ā thereās still uncertainty in that, though.
Ā Ā Ā Ā then again, thereās uncertainty in everything.
Ā Ā Ā Ā he wasnāt ready when he flew into a new country -- without knowing the language even -- for a minimum wage job.
Ā Ā Ā Ā he wasnāt ready when, by sheer luck alone, he received an acceptance letter from k-arts for their performance department.
Ā Ā Ā Ā he certainly wasnāt ready when he signed the contract to nova.
Ā Ā Ā Ā and heās definitely not ready to sign this one.
Ā Ā Ā Ā but he picks up the pen anyway and jots down his signature, seemingly without much hesitation.Ā he may not be ready now, but he will be.
+
OOC NOTE: First of all, congratulations on arriving at the final step before debut! I know itās been a long and crazy journey, and Iām so glad youāve stuck through it. When you are ready, feel free to post this prompt with your museās response to it.
Should he choose to SIGN the CONVEX contract, he will be employed by Sphere Entertainment without a need to renew a contract until the duration of this one has concluded. As a reward for making it this far, he will receive THREE WEEKENDS unpaid vacation time to use any time between now and the start of July, so long as it doesnāt clash with any special debut activities (such as music show appearances, meaning he canāt actually use his vacation time until after the music show performances have finished.)
Should he choose to REJECT this contract, he will leave the company effective immediately upon rejection. He will be able to keep all of his debut points, but will not be able to take any trainee workshops or earn any more debut points/workshop points until he becomes a trainee again. He will not have any special advantage over newer characters when he auditions for other companies in the future, and should he become a trainee at a new company he will be considered a junior trainee all over again, even though he will still have his debut points and would be eligible for debut right away. He WILL have the right to audition for Sphere again, but the fact that he gave up a contract renewal, especially a debut one, WILL be taken into account in final casting decisions.
He will have up to one week to make his decision IC, meaning that if he does not make a decision by April 9th, he will automatically be cut from the company. Exceptions will be made for those on hiatus.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā he likes pink, but this is maybe a bit tooĀ pink for him.Ā itās strange.Ā everyone else whoās wearing pink dons a more pastel shade.Ā for those notĀ in pink, theyāre in normal blue.Ā he bites his lower lip, his eyes flickering over the full-body mirror.Ā it stands out too much;Ā heās not sure if itās a good thing.Ā heās certain eyes will already be on him, since heās a new face, but he doesnāt want to draw any attention beyond his lines.Ā too worried about he appears, too worried about how he sounds -- though heās trained hard for the past two months, he doesnāt feel comfortable.Ā half of the group have done this countlessĀ of times.Ā heās only done this on aerial silk, in front of an audience of 20 at most.
Ā Ā Ā Ā lips now pursed, he stuffs the shirt into his waistline, hoping thatĀ would make his form look a little bit better.Ā it doesnāt.Ā he lets out the back and turns slightly to the side to see how the french tuck appears with this sort of fabric.Ā it doesnāt look good at all.Ā in defeat, he tugs the tail end of the shirt back down and, for a moment, reaches up to run his fingers through his hairĀ (Ā a nervous tic )Ā --Ā only to stop when he realizes itās now styled by a stylist.
Ā Ā Ā Ā distantly, he wonders if his parents would watch the concert.
Ā Ā Ā Ā for some reason, he hopes they donāt.
Ā Ā Ā Ā heās not sure if heāll mess up, and if he does, how heād deal with it.Ā surely, heād freeze on the spot, which would throw off the choreography and mess up the entire group.Ā thatĀ would be the absolute worse.Ā his eyes flicker over to jaehyun, seonghwa -- two of the newer members heās gotten closer too, simply because of their shared new life.Ā he then looks over to jihoon, someone heās certainĀ who hates him, then woohyun and sungcheol, the kind souls who made his transition a little easier just by being pleasant.
Ā Ā Ā Ā (Ā distantly, he also thinks of ten, and how his close friend was once in this position as well.Ā how did he feel then?Ā was he also nervous?Ā or was he excited?Ā zhengting canāt help but look forward to stepping off stage so he can text ten a bunch of screaming emojis. )
Ā Ā Ā Ā āround up!ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā he looks like a deer in headlights as he looks toward the staff member.Ā oh god, itās time.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āze.t ---ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā right, thatās him now.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āiām not used to that yet, please call me zhengting.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā zhengtingās not entirely sure if this is appropriate.Ā itās not, by any means, illegalĀ or scandalous, but for some reason, it doesnāt feel entirely right.Ā he has a gift basket in hand, a small one filled to the brim with vitamin c blends, two bars of dark chocolate, and a cute little pig plushĀ (Ā a cheeky poke of his last name zhu, which sounds a lot like pigĀ ).Ā in retrospect, itās a nice thought -- woohyun had given him a welcome basket, so heās only returning the favor.Ā but woohyun isnāt exactly new, so the gift just seems a bit out of place.
Ā Ā Ā Ā but he already has it prepared and proudly displayed with a green bow that represents one of their groupās colors.Ā grip tightening around the base, he decides to just go for it.
Ā Ā Ā Ā he knocks on @rkxroyalās room dorm, his heart thundering in his chest as he readies himself to say what heās rehearsed twice beforeĀ (Ā just in case he rambles, as usual ).Ā Ā āah -- hyung.Ā i wanted to give this to you to, um, congratulate you on finishing the web drama recordings.āĀ and to thank you for welcoming me in the same way.
he lets zhenting talk, lets him have his entirely wrong opinion, but jungwooās expression is still grave, unamused. who cares if how hyun bin chooses to motivate is right or wrong, more or less effective, whatever? it works, and it inspired jungwoo to really go above and beyond, to not take the easiest route and the path of least resistance, and ultimately made him a better performer. maybe a better person if heās being generous.
āalright,ā he breathes a sigh, opting not to answer absolutely any of the newer traineeās questions and instead just sharing an anecdote of his own. maybe it will help explain, or put things into perspective, or something. jungwoo can only hope. zhengting usually seems smart enough, but sometimesā¦ well, some people are just natural born actors.Ā ādid you watch the third season of the mgas?ā
thatās where it all went wrong, where he felt the wrath of hyun binās vengefulness. public, televised, documented for years to come. he still feels some cold dread at the very mention of the mgas.Ā āi was a trainee here before, but i left. i came back, obviously, but the first time i tried to do that was on rickyās team in the mgas. we won, but i was the only one who wasnāt offered a contract. because i left.ā does zhengting get it? does he understand how scary hyun bin is, how his methods for punishment and teaching lessons go beyond the physical punishments trc is infamous for among the trainees? jungwoo hopes so, though he may not have told his horror story to the best effect.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āsounds petty.āĀ it slips from his mouth before he can even register its severity.Ā heās quick to follow up, though:Ā Ā āi mean . . . maybe not petty, but if you chose to leave the company, itās a fair assumption that you wouldnāt want to return, right?Ā if you look at it from the companyās point of view -- it wouldāve been embarrassing for them if theyād offered you a contract, only for you to turn them down . . . so they took the safe route.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā it sounds awful, and he knows it sounds awful.Ā he shouldnātĀ try to use logic here, but he canāt help it.Ā when poised with an opposingĀ (Ā or otherwise challenging )Ā opinion, his instinct is to be on defense.Ā his soul is restless, though.Ā he shakes his head, lets out a calming breath.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āiām not saying that it wasnāt embarrassing for you -- thatās really . . . really bad on their part, but hyun bin isnāt the risk-taking type, or at least, from what iāve seen.āĀ he pauses, his eyebrows stringing together as he considers the past several months.Ā Ā āi . . . no.Ā he does have a tendency to do that, doesnāt he?Ā leaving one person out.āĀ he thinks of yongsun, thinks of seonghwa.Ā that project was not kind to them.Ā Ā āheās kinda sadistic,āĀ he mutters this under his breath.
seonghwa chuckled at zhengting reaction. it did sound a little crazy but there were people who trained longer he supposed. it was just funny to see.Ā
āwhen i came back to korea, i got signed pretty quickly and iāve just been training since. i went through two contract renewalās the second one, i had convince myself to take it.ā it was a chance to run away.Ā āafter the show, i wished that nova never offered me the chance to resign. itād wouldāve been easier getting told i wasnāt good enough that way.ā he was too much of a coward to do himself.Ā
āi feel like i ran away from nova, it wasnāt that long between the show and getting the offer for sphere. getting to debut it is greatā¦but should i have stuck it out in nova instead of being a replacement member. i wonder if the move would look petty to people on the outside.ā he shrugged,Ā āmaybe the feeling will go away.āĀ
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā itās a sentiment that zhengting shares to an extent.Ā he canāt imagine what itās like to re-sign, only to be told no.Ā had it been him, he surely wouldāve quit -- packed his bags, booked a ticket, and disappeared.Ā in that regard, heās very much like seonghwa.Ā he runs too much, never stopping once to turn around and acknowledge his wrongs.Ā itās become a burden, not only in his career, but in his relationships.Ā but nowās not the time to dwell on that.
Ā Ā Ā Ā āsphere saw something in you that nova didnāt,āĀ he says this carelessly but remains unflinchingĀ (Ā surprisingly ).Ā Ā āitās novaās loss.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā though firm in speaking of their previous company, his voice softens for what follows:Ā Ā āitās hard to see yourself as anything else . . . since thatās what we are.Ā weāre the replacements.Ā but if you try to see it as -- yāknow, a good thing . . . it means sphere thinks youāre good enough to keep up with an already debuted group.Ā thatās a lot of pressure most trainees wonāt be able to handle.āĀ the use of youĀ instead of weĀ is intentional.Ā with seonghwaās experience, zhengting has no qualms that heād perform well.Ā he canāt say the same about himself.
