[rowan-four-eleven]

I'm so sick of being misgendered. It always comes out of nowhere so I'll end up not even correcting it, but it's so hard not letting it ruin my whole day

[rowan-four-eleven]

Update

I haven’t posted for a while, which is mainly caused by me just having a bad time. After I attended a camp for trans youth, I started realizing how badly I actually wanted to live and be accepted as a guy, since that camp is the only place where that is completely possible. I’ve been having so many doubts for years, but I then realized it was fear that was holding me back. Fear of being rejected by people I know, fear of not being seen as a guy, fear of being seen as too short, not masculine enough, fear of being seen as a freak or a fraud or an attention seeker or whatever negative things people could think of me.

And even though I know that, I still can’t say that I’m completely sure now. If I could live on an abandoned island I would start T and get top surgery, and if I could live among the people from camp my whole life, I’d do the same thing. But it’s almost inconceivable to me that I would transition beyond those scenarios, in my real everyday life. 

I’m mainly hung up about my height nowadays. It’s the only thing that I desperately want changed, but nothing, except leg lengthening surgery, can change it. So to me transitioning just seems useless and the future hopeless, since transitioning is supposed to make me feel and look more like me, but because of my height that will never happen. I try to be a positive person and see the good things in every situation, but in this case, there really isn’t a silver lining that counts, or a viable solution. So I started to feel really down, and asked to start seeing a gender therapist. I hope she can help me, so far we’ve had some good conversations, but it’s still very early days.

Meanwhile, the wait list for the gender clinic is just ever expanding and I don’t know if I’ll ever get an appointment at this rate.

[rowan-four-eleven]

I have two complaints for today:

1. Don’t talk negatively about other people if they can fucking hear you

&

2. Don’t misgender a trans guy and call him “really abnormally short”

[rowan-four-eleven]

unexpected passing

So I was out at a restaurant with my parents tonight, for my mum’s birthday. Anyway, she kept referring to me as ‘she’ to the waitress - which is okay, I don’t want her to start referring to me as ‘he’ yet, since she talks to so many people and family members and I don’t want them to know about me being trans yet. It was a bit awkward, since people usually just see me as a guy, but whatever, it wasn’t that bad. Anyway, a little later the waitress actually referred to me, without giving it a second thought, as ‘he’. It was like she couldn’t align ‘she’ with what she saw me as, or just thought me mum said ‘he’ because that made the most sense. I don’t really know what happened, all I know is, that it was pretty great. I passed as a guy even with really big context clues pointing to me being a girl!

[rowan-four-eleven]

Transition What does being trapped even mean? I see no cages around me And if there were walls I’d surely climb them And I only leave What I have left behind My heart has no room for sorrow anymore And I have cast fear aside In my hands, I only hold my own guts So I can press the courage into them And put myself together In a way that is right

@rowan-four-eleven

[rowan-four-eleven]

Waiting and more coming out

It’s been a while since I posted an update, but honestly, not that much has happened. 

I still haven’t heard back from the gender clinic, but I’ll try to be patient unless it takes about another month, then I’ll contact them again.

I did however pick up some pills that I can start taking, so that I won’t bleed anymore. It’s not birth control, as there’s female hormones in it that can change your body a bit, which I obviously don’t want, but it’s something the doctor at the gender clinic recommended. It’s called orgametril and has lynestrenol in it. I can only start taking it on the first day of the cycle, so for the first time in my life I’m actually impatient for it to start.

Meanwhile, I’ve also come out to my tutor at uni and my study adviser. I had to get some time off for my trans support group’s camp, for which I needed permission from them both. My tutor didn’t expect it, she had just seen me as a guy the whole time, which was pretty cool to hear. She reacted very understanding, although she did ask for my birth name and I kinda regret telling her it. My study adviser was pretty accepting as well. I didn’t necessarily feel like answering all her questions, as I’d only just met her, but she didn’t mean anything bad by asking that much. She probably was just trying to be empathetic and interested in my life or something.

And to get even more closet doors open, I also came out as ‘not straight’ to a guy from uni. He said he saw himself as bi/heteroflexible and then asked me whether I’d ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend. So I answered truthfully that I had a boyfriend when I was sixteen. Fact of the matter is, I wasn’t out as trans back then, so it was “officially” a straight relationship. But since I am probably bi, if I had to label it, it doesn’t really matter. That guy only knows me as a dude, so I’m fine with the situation as it is.

All in all, things are going pretty well I guess.

[rowan-four-eleven]

The Questions of a Start Tell me Am I a danger to society? Or a liability for those who come after me? What do you see in me More More than I can see Can you teach Me right from wrong Make me strong, there’s so much Yet to come for me. I don’t know how To go on For how long Can I be this split-personality, Am I just avoiding the reality Of being me, in this body That does not conform to anyone. It is scarred, even before surgery. It is scared, afraid of everything That will, would and could be. I’m starting this journey today And battle my demons tomorrow.

@rowan-four-eleven (via rowan-four-eleven)

[rowan-four-eleven]

Baby please, it's the way you speak Forming words so easily And I think of the way you think It keeps me from falling asleep In that grave I call a bed 'Til you called me up and said "I haven't stopped crying My father's been drinking I need a place to stay I don't want to be here He's saying the words that He promised he would never say That liquid he consumes Makes him speak the truth" And I said no, it's not that at all It's that bottle of lies for a troubled heart It's standing on the edge of a mountain top Screaming anything he wants Like, "Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me Because I exist, I exist, I exist, I exist, I exist, I exist" I remember the way you shook It's a shame that we're not soul mates 'Cause if I didn't know better, I'd say this feels pretty good And how could I be scared? When I stretch and feel you're there So shut your mouth 'Cause these words will speak themselves I can feel them in these blankets And they're surrounding your figure, embraced in the quilts And I can't help but think You're my missing puzzle piece I wake up in the hallway, I'm looking for sunlight With rays that will cure me of the pain that keeps my lungs tight Ignoring the voices and feelings that tell me To get out of this house I can't make them stop I'm just like my mom And you said no These demons will fall You're so precious to us all And I said I I can't do this alone I still need you to hold So don't let go, don't let go, don't let go, don't let go, don't let go, don't let go Because I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid

I Exist I Exist I Exist - Flatsound

[rowan-four-eleven]

Being gendered correctly!

Yesterday was pretty shit at the start. It was the first day of shark week, which obviously resulted in major dysphoria, I was having some issues with some friends of mine, then I missed my bus and my train and I was just not in a good mood. However, it all came to a good conclusion. First, one of my teachers called me a gentleman. None of my teachers actually know that I’m trans, but I don’t think their students’ biological sex is listed anywhere they can see, so I wasn’t sure how my teachers read me. So I was waiting in front of the classroom door with some female students, and as my teacher went to open the door she greeted us with “Hello ladies and one gentleman”. I had to do a quick look around me, but I really was the only guy there she could’ve said it to. It was really great.

Later, I was doing a group project with two girls and another guy. Again, I’m not out to most people, so I don’t know what gender they think I am. Eventually though, the guy was joking around with me, kind of against the girls and about sexual things, so I was pretty sure he saw me as another guy. Then he called me ‘dude’ and ‘man’ a couple of times. I know that can be used in a gender neutral way, but we were speaking Dutch and it’s usually not in that case. So yeah, pretty good day. I still get surprised when people perceive me as a guy though, as I’m so short and still pre-t, but it’s the best feeling in the world.

[rowan-four-eleven]

Waking up I felt that hesitation Like I wasn't meant to wake up at all Letting out a soft, cynical sigh My God, it's just the answer To the question I can't find Marching on, it's one foot then the other Better than one foot then none at all Biting off way more than I can chew Like I sometimes do I never know just when and where to stop Why are we here, why do we die? Maybe we're just never meant to know why Why are we here, why do we die? Why, why, why? Why are we here, why do we die? Maybe we're just never meant to know why Why are we here, why do we die? Why, why, why?

Things That Hide Away - The Dear Hunter

[rowan-four-eleven]

More loneliness - but I’m okay overall

So between my one friend being really suicidal and depressed and not being able to do anything to help her, my other friend apparently having slept with my cousin which is their choice, but still weird since I don’t really have a good relationship with that cousin and my friend knows stuff about me that I don’t want family to know (especially me being trans), to my one friend who just has been dismissing some stuff I’ve been dealing with, onto my dad drinking fucking again and my mum talking about her gastric bybass and her eating addiction: I’m kinda done and just lonely I guess. These are all things I can’t really talk to anyone about, whenever I try it isn’t really being taken seriously. It’s not that I’m whining to them, if anything I’m more trying to just forget it and do my own thing and not care so much, but it doesn’t work all the time. And right now is one of those moments

[rowan-four-eleven]

The Night and the Train

I don’t own anything No soft pillow Not the windows I gaze through Not the stars I pursue Not the light As I ride, I drive, I thrive

Not the man in front of me Blocking the view I wish I knew The way around Here I have seen the stars Too far, everything seems a farce So I take a pen and paper and write What I see and feel and what lives right And wrong and nothing I own.

- @rowan-four-eleven

Inspired by Asleep on a Train by Radical Face.

[rowan-four-eleven]

Too late for the other side Caught in a chase Twenty five to life Too late for the other side Caught in a chase Twenty five to life Yeah Too late I cant keep chasing 'em I'm taking my life back Caught in a change Twenty five to life I don't think she understands the sacrifices that I've made Maybe if this bitch had acted right I would've stayed But I've already wasted over half of my life I would've laid Down and died for you I no longer cried for you No more pain bitch you Took me for granted took my heart and ran it straight into the planet Into the dirt I can no longer stand it Now my respect I demand it I'm a take control of this relationship Command it, and I'm a be the boss of you now goddammit And what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me So you better hear me out this much you owe me I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you while I've stayed Faithful all the way this is how I fucking get repaid Look at how I dress fucking baggy sweats, go to work a mess Always in a rush to get back to you I ain't heard you yet Not even once say you appreciate me I deserve respect I've done my best to give you nothing less than perfectness And I know that if I end this I'll no longer have nothing left But you keep treating me like a staircase its time to fucking step And I wont be coming back so don't hold your fucking breath You know what you've done no need to go in depth I told you, you'd be sorry if I fucking left I'd laugh while you wept Hows it feel now, yeah, funny ain't it, you neglected me Did me a favor although my spirit free you've said But a special place for you in my heart I have kept Its unfortunate but its Too late for the other side Caught in a chase Twenty five to life Too late for the other side Caught in a chase Twenty five to life I feel like when I bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh Cause that ain't good enough you expect me to fold myself in half Til I snap Don't think I'm loyal All I do is rap I can not moonlight on the side I have no life outside of that Don't I give you enough of my time You don't think so do you Jealous when I spend time with the girls Why I'm married to you still man I don't know But tonight I'm serving you with papers I'm divorcing you Go marry someone else and make 'em famous And take away there freedom like you did to me Treat 'em like you don't need them and they ain't worthy of you Feed 'em the same shit you made me eat I'm moving on forget you oh, Now I'm special? Oh, I didn't feel special when I was with you All I ever felt was this Helplessness Imprisoned by a selfish bitch Chew me up and spit me out I fell for this so many times Its ridiculous And still I stick with this I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction Your as addictive as they get Evil as they come vindictive as they make 'em My friends keep asking why I cant just walk away I'm addicted To the pain, the stress, the drama I'm drown in so I guess I'm a mess Cursed and blessed But this time I'm a Ain't changing my mind I'm climbing out this abyss You screaming as I walk out that I'll be missed But when you spoke to people who meant the most to you You left me off your list Fuck you hip-hop I'm leaving you, my life sentence is served bitch And its just Too late for the other side Caught in a chase Twenty five to life Too late for the other side Caught in a chase Twenty five to life Too late Caught in a change Twenty five to life

25 To Life - Eminem

[rowan-four-eleven]

I Will Be Living Every moment turns into one of shame So paint me in every colour But don’t let me rest in darkness I was not meant to be this way Sometimes I need the stillness of watercolour In my body, in my mind So don’t push me to be a bright burning light Sometimes I’m nothing more than thunder Don’t act like you’re blind, and all intertwined I didn’t spin a web to catch you in My pleas are not traps to trick you with My name is just a word that never rhymed Just wait and see, I’m only beginning On this path, I’m climbing, you can follow me Don’t fall behind, just stay at my side If you want to see me finally living.

@rowan-four-eleven

[rowan-four-eleven]

Thought I saw you Payphone on Rucker Michelle I still want to give in I'd understand if you did How long must we live right Before we don't even have to try? Note from your daughter Drawing of three flowers I still keep it with me Did she still want to sing? How long must we live right Before we don't even have to try? I hear the sound of a million drums With no beat Violins with no melody I'm sick with it Quiet I don't blame you for wanting out I'm kind of close myself No love, no amount Never enough to go around

- Valley - Perfume Genius

[rowan-four-eleven]

On This Day, 20 Years Ago, I Was Born Another circle Around the sun completed Another year added To the time I’ve spent on earth I have grown Into myself Every year a little more There’s still time left To find out what I’m here for To travel, to explore To reach someone’s heart And to get to my core I’ll push myself To happiness, to hopelessness To more I’ll spend more time on earth And add another year Around the sun I’ll fly, I’ll make my own wings And complete Another circle.

@rowan-four-eleven

[rowan-four-eleven]

“No sleep There is no comfort in the pillow My mind starts drifting through the woods Climb up the moonlight ground beneath me Until I find myself Wrapped up in the fog above the world And up here those wolves will never reach me I am not bound by where I'm from I'm not awake, I am not sleeping as I walk along The in-between of everything come and gone I watch myself there as a little one And wonder why they could never hear me I watch them hold me down beneath their calloused thumbs To hide their fears deep down inside me There is no son, there is no daughter There's only arms they've never named You are not you, you are a mirror You only work when you're the same But up here the walls no longer reach me I am not bound by where I'm from I'm not awake, I am not sleeping as I walk along The in-between of everything”

- Moonn - Radical Face