Sarcasm for FREE.

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me *finds 10 bucks in my winter jacket I forgot there last winter*

me, with monocle: “Bring the caviar! The mob shall move!”

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Me: *relaxed on my bed*

Partent: *enters my room*

Parent: *condemns every decision I ever made and leave*

Me: *unrelaxed on my bed*

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“Your sarcasm won’t bring you anywhere in life!”

“Actually it did bring me to the Sarcasm World Cup 2011 in Peru!”

“For real?”

“No.”

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There‘s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time!

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Welcome to the 243rd episode of the 2018th season of TIERED - a bedflix original. Starring TOO EARLY, COFFEE and FUCK OFF.

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And another day passes I didn’t use Pythagoras theorem.

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Me: *pulling a push door*

X: “you have to push”

Me: “aye thanks man, my next attempt would’ve been lifting it from the bottom”

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First date, I’m fucking nervous

Date: “Are you nervous?”

Me to myself: you gotta act self confident!

Me (self confident): “No, I’m Sara.”

[memesoftheday]

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Once I fix my sleep schedule, start eating healthy, get physically fit, beat depression, stop procrastinating, learn how to do taxes and get mentally strong enough to make phone calls, then it’s over for you bitches!

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The human brain is a fascinating organ. It starts working the day you were born and won’t stop until you’re in the middle of that fucking math exam and all of sudden everything you remember is the chorus of Cotten Eye Joe.

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*puts earphones in*

*plays music*

*puts earphones out to check if the music plays loudly*

As well as in other situations I’m having great trust in myself and my ambitions!

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American but Amerishouldn’t

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How can I unknow people?

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Teacher: “Say it out loud, maybe someone has the same problem!”

Girl: “Does anyone has a tampon?”

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“hey I can see your bra strap.”

“Oh fuck. No one is allowed to to know that me, a woman, is wearing a bra. Call Victoria - her secret’s out!”

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“You always hear what you wanna hear!”

“A glass of wine? I’d love to!”