this is my soul and the world unwinding @rus-califi - Tumblr Blog

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Not pictured in that post is all the chronic illness and financial struggle and the horrible weight of witnessing manmade horrors every single day, but, you know. Gotta count your blessings when and where you can. Reject civilization, embrace community, yadda yadda yadda

Hello I forgot about this place again but I'm still here, still queer, still growing and changing all the time. Here's some snapshots of my life, my love, and our niece Pancake

I'm writing a space opera called Wild Space! It's pretty groovy and I'll come back to talk about it at some point.

I'm giving you all homework to go out and get a plant ID book of some sort and go around your neighborhood identifying as much as you can. You'll feel better afterwards!

FREE PALESTINE!

Hi Dee! It’s CRAZY weird, I haven’t been on Tumblr for so long but I saw Deionte on instagram and went down a rabbit hole of looking for old tumblr friends, and saw your post. I can’t believe you posted the same day I decided to go down memory lane, super weird haha.

Anyway! I just wanted to say I’m so happy that life has taken you in such a healing path of growth. I can heavily relate to a lot of what you wrote, I was also in a pretty terrible place when we knew each other, and have had a tough path upward (including an ADHD diagnosis too!) So I just wanted to say I’m so happy you’re in a better place, and I hope it’s not too weird to say that I’m proud of you. 💜 We may not have kept in contact much, and I’m so sorry if I added to any of your hurt back then. Personally I remember our friendship fondly and I hope only good things for you!

I think you said you live in Seattle now? I’m in the Portland area, so if you ever end up down here feel free to hit me up for coffee! I’d love to introduce you to my husband Chris, and I’d be so happy to meet Nathalie, and the new you! But also, no pressure to respond. Just know I hope good vibes for you!

OH MY GOD, SPOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! Hi!!!! I was literally just telling Nat a few weeks ago about that time we all met up at RTX! I remember that weekend with such a glowing fondness. I can't believe it was almost a decade ago.

It's so good to hear from you!!!!! You were one of the people I was most hoping to track down! Crazy coincidence 😅 Literally meant to be that we both checked in at the same time. I was just overcome with this urge the other day to poke my head back in here, and I had to go through a whole account recovery process and didn't get access again until yesterday lmao

Of course I would love to meet up! I've been meaning to spend more time in Portland anyway, I've just been looking for an excuse. I'll send you my phone number in a lil chatty chat

Aaaaahh this made me so happy, it's so good to hear from you old friend 🥹 I can't wait to see how you've grown over the years. Love & hugs 🤗

Howdy kids

My name is Dee! It's not the name I went by for most of my years on Tumblr, but it's the one everyone knows me as. You might remember my url as nyriad, visovari... I went by a bunch of others too, but those are the only two I seem to remember now 😅

The last time I was on Tumblr, I was in the middle of a very difficult period of my life that I didn't really have the tools or support to navigate. But sometimes you gotta go a lil wacky and make some fresh new regrets so you can grow up a lil bit wiser and sexier

I quit the internet pretty much cold turkey for a while and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I spent a year pretty much focusing on nothing but my immediate surroundings, living in my own skin, learning how to love myself. I've gotten a lot more comfortable being myself, and have grown a lot more connected to the earth.

In my time away, I was diagnosed with ADHD, which even just the diagnosis has significantly improved almost every facet of my life. I've gotten so many new tools and so much new language to express myself and my needs. I've stopped feeling like there is something wrong with me and let go of a lot of shame that I held around myself, my work flow, my ability to focus, my needs for rest, etc. As I've met more people with ADHD, I've grown a lot more empowered and confident. I'm still figuring out what medication works for me (Adderall and Concerta are hell incarnate; Ritalin and Vyvanse are the bee's knees). It's been revolutionary and healing, honestly. Reading the book "Driven to Distraction" was an important first step that I recommend to everyone who's ever thought they might have ADHD, or if you were like me, always felt stupid and slow and always wondered why you never could quite get around to doing all the things you want to do.

I am also currently pursuing a diagnosis for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, as per my doctor's suggestion. I won't get into it too much here, but it is a chronic illness that has made the last year pretty difficult. I have a lot of severe chronic joint pain and lethargy, and it's been... a lot. I'm starting physical therapy soon. This part isn't fun to talk about, but it's becoming an important part of my identity.

I've also met the love of my life, my soon-to-be fiancee, Nathalie! We were inseparable pretty much from the day we met, and spent a year as best friends. And then after that year the sexual tension became too much to handle, and now another year later, here we are, stupidly in love, utterly obsessed with each other, turning every single day into a fun, wacky, new adventure lmao. We've built the most beautiful, trusting, communicative, intimate relationship I've ever experienced and I am so filled with pride and joy and love and happiness every day. We're still best friends -- no force on this earth could ever get us to shut up when we're in the same room. She just fills me with butterflies and glee and light. Nat has this burning desire to create in whatever the most tactile medium she can find is. She loves mechanisms and fibers and all of the ways different materials interact with each other. She inspires me every day to be more open and honest and to pursue whatever creative venture has caught my interest, and I do the same for her. We dance together, create together, and share big emotions and life goals and it's just the most beautiful thing I've ever felt, and this paragraph could go on forever if I don't end it right now

I've also finally started to settle into my writing flow. I've got a space opera that's really beginning to take shape and I'm pretty proud of what it's turning into :) I also have a fantasy saga that's following a few steps behind. Both are things I've been working on for nearly a decade in fits and spurts, but I've done more work on them in the last year than in all previous years combined. I've gotten into more artistic mediums as well: oil painting, photography, beading, and so on. And very into fashion, kind of. Y'all should see my wardrobe these days -- bright colors, crazy patterns, wacky silhouettes. I feel like I finally look like myself. I'm currently rocking a purple mullet and a mustache, so... yeah, I'm having fun with it

I'm not sure how many of my old friends and mutuals are still hanging around, but I wanted to say hey, track a few of you down, and give a little update on how things are going for me post-Tumblr. I am alive, and I'm pretty happy these days. Some days I miss it here, and while I'll never come back in the same capacity as I used to, I wanted to reconnect with some of my old friends that I used to talk to and hang around with every day! I'm gonna poke around over the next while and see who's still around :) honestly I still think about some of y'all on the daily, and I got too curious about how my old friends were doing.

If you want to keep in touch, I'm on Instagram as deehollandaise. I'm on Discord much less often, but if you want to connect there, shoot me a message and I'll share the deets. Warning that I am just straight up not involved in any fandom stuff these days. It's just not for me anymore.

I will be retiring this blog in the new year, setting the whole dang thing to private and probably starting a new one with which to share some of my creative projects. I'll let y'all know about it before that happens.

I don't know, this is all kinda word vomit, I guess I just wanted to let all my old friends know that I'm still here and that I'm finally figuring myself out. I've got a lot to be proud of and grateful for and I've barely scratched the surface, so I'll leave off with some recent photos. Have a hot & sweaty 2024, you sexy things 😘

- Dee

I know you're on hiatus but I do hope you're doing well. You were the first tumblr I followed back in 2012 and really helped me find things to be a nerd over.

I am doing quite well, thank you friend 💖 Whoever you are, I hope you're doing well, too. This message gave me a big ol smile :)

pnw-forest-side

-mossy branches - a fence in the forest

Near Eagle Creek, OR.

redactedshapes

Most of these studies are from 2018.

Naomi (Dominique Tipper) is by far my favorite from the cast to study, she’s got really strong and lovely shapes on that face of her.

johnnykitten

Morrigan for a german Dragon Age Fanart Project

#morrigan tag

youngleeks

this movie WAS the hot knight summer i’ve been dreaming of

#the green knight

mcnostril

A warrrior with abundant osteoptimism and one more skeleptical re: bone toughness.

#inspiration

femalescharacters

TAHANI AL-JAMIL The Good Place | Derek

bravecrab

Pitch: a muppet movie where the muppets play D&D, and it cuts between the muppets around the table and the fantasy being acted out, but instead of it just being the muppets dressed up in D&D fantasy costume, it's celebrity actors but the muppets do the voices, and the actors have to act how those muppets would. Imagine a barbarian played by Jason Mamoa voiced by Miss Piggy.