ripped at every edge

ryan kingsley, twenty-two ;          "now i'm covered in the colours pull apart at the seams and it's blue."

[ryankingslcy]

hxnnchism‌:

after thinking about everything the night before, trying to give everyone space, hannah knew what she had to do. she had to make things right with her friend, hoping to god that she would at least talk to her. she made a mistake, she lied, she kept something from her, and she really had just wanted to burry everything. now that it was brought to the light, she had to fix it, easier said than done. knocking on ryan’s door, “101st airborne! i come to live in your house…” hoping that the joke would at least start a small bridge, bring a smile to her face. “okay, uhm, it’s hannah… obviously. i come bearing gifts..” sure, she hated when her parents bought her love or when an ex would bring a gift, but she would this would at least help. “if you don’t want to talk to me, i get it and i’m sorry. can i at least hand this off? because i feel like one of your sisters might be a bitch and take some of it.”

@ryankingslcy​

again.. and again -- how many times was ryan going to feel like the rug was ripped out from under her? like she had egg smeared across her face and the entirety of the campus she called home was laughing at her? once more, at least -- -- as she read over her feed again, one thing became clear to her. none of her so called friends really gave a shit about her.. a realization that forced her right back into the darkness she’d been doing such a good job escaping this past week.

she quickly reached for her phone, sending off a text to bellamy--an sos, of sorts--before her attention was pulled to the knock at her door and the familiar voice that followed. it would have been easy to ignore her, crawl under her covers and pretend she wasn’t there.. but why was she the one hiding? ryan hadn’t done anything wrong, not this time. she took a few steps towards the continuing voice, her eyes rolling as she came face to face with the blonde waiting. “look..” she spoke softly, as she held her door open just enough that hannah could get a glance of her -- not enough that the blonde could slip inside. “i don’t really want a gift, okay? so if you could just.. go. i have enough lies in my life to last me a lifetime, i don’t need yours as well.”

[ryankingslcy]

anniewats‌:

ryan’s words prompted a supercut of the girls’ friendship to play within her head. sleepovers that lasted days on end, the craziest nights out where they wondered how they got home in one piece, conversations they just couldn’t have with anyone else. she was right—they were their own entity, the three of them. or they had been, at least. perhaps the constant shifts and changes in relationships made annie momentarily forget that. but the moment it reentered her mind, it wouldn’t leave.

“no, you’re right. and i don’t want that—the eggshells, the pretending. anything you want to know, i want to be open about. anything you want or need to say… and i’ll do the same. i mean, we’re fucking annie watson and ryan kingsley. since when do we not say it all to each other?” there was a very clear answer to that question, the girl knew, but she’d meant it more… generally. at least, that’s what she thought once the words were already out there. “you want to hang here for a while? postmates some food, a bottle of wine. talk about whatever we want? get it all out there?”

she debated for a moment-- but came to the conclusion that there wasn’t really a reason not to stay.. talk. it was what she’d come here for. ryan nodded, finally closing the distance between them. she took a seat on annie’s bed, beside her and reached for her hand. she squeezed, before dropping it as quickly as she’d taken it. “hang out..” she repeated softly, turning her head to peek at the blonde. “that sounds.. good. i think i’d really like that.”

[ryankingslcy]

anniewats‌:

before ryan had even finished commenting on her ‘gloria’ situation, annie started shaking her head. “i don’t know. as far as i’m concerned, it was entirely fair. i really hurt sof and gar in attempt to save my own ass. doing what i could—what i should’ve done in the first place—was absolutely fair.” true, it wasn’t fair that she had been put in the situation in the first place, which she had a feeling ry had been referring to. but why not own up to everything at this point? of course sofia had spoken to ryan about it. no point in it being an elephant in the room. annie wasn’t afraid to talk about it—she was just remorseful for it all. hopefully, she thought, that much was apparent.

hearing the other girl’s sigh, annie lowered her chin and caught her eyes. each few words brought a new pang to the blonde’s chest, equally unsure of what to do with this. any of it. “honestly, ry, i don’t think anything will ever feel normal again. normal, for the longest time, was sofia and garrett, ryan and anthony, and sometimes guest starring the girls’ friend annie. and at some point in the last month, all of those things have been thrown into question. and—and i don’t know,” annie looked away, eyes latching onto anything that wasn’t ryan’s own. “maybe it’s heading back in that direction, but it won’t feel the same.”

not exactly wanting to elaborate, the girl took a short pause and looked up once more. “but… regardless, i miss you, too. of course i do. i just don’t know… i don’t know how we’re supposed to navigate this. like, where do we go from here? i’m here, to talk about your head being messy or anything else, but do we just ignore the rest? talk about it? see what happens? say fuck it?”

her eyes narrowed as annie mentioned how things were, and the way they seemed to be heading -- maybe ryan had missed that news report or something, been left out of the loop, but the idea of things returning to that somewhat original state? highly unlikely.. and extremely unrealistic. she still had no idea what was going on between her best friend and garrett, and if anthony’s reply to her earlier text message was any indication of how he felt towards her, the cards were not stacked in her favor. she shook her head, disagreeing with the blonde. 

“maybe you’re.. looking at it the wrong way?” she knew the boys had been a permanent fixture in their lives.. but had ryan been naive to believe their friend--the bond between annie, sofia, and herself--stood on it’s own? “i don’t know, i always saw it as sof, you, and i. we had our own thing going.. dancing on bar counters, late night drives down the interstate, secrets i knew would be safe with the two of you. i think that’s why it hurt so much--” ry paused, another sigh escaped her lips. “i started to doubt.. well, all of that.”

how long had annie liked anthony, when had their relationship started, why had it been so easy for both of them to go behind her back.. toss her feelings aside like she didn’t matter -- all things ryan had been forced to ask herself, none of which were easy.

“i think the only way this works is if we’re not walking on eggshells, you know? things are never going to get any better if we keep pretending.”

[ryankingslcy]

anniewats‌:

confusion briefly blanketed the girl’s face. projected what? going through what? despite what had happened between the two of them, annie still very much cared for ryan. with her whole heart, really. and to find that she’d been dealing with other things—just like annie—was an arrow to the chest. this situation was enough to tear anyone down, but to add so much on top of that? it was admirable that both of them were even here, in one piece, in front of each other. still, the fact that she hadn’t been there for ryan during whatever it was weighed heavy.

nonetheless, a more genuine smile formed on her lips—though still small and closed-lipped. “yeah, okay. i’d like that.” they’d all been suffering some sort of pain, often times not telling each other, and all it did was break them apart. maybe… maybe this was a step in the right direction. a little one, but one regardless. “i just—i want you to know that i’m still here for you, you know? if you don’t want to talk to me, i understand, but when you do… i’ll come running.” annie’s thoughts landed on her conversation with sofia, who’d said the same thing. then, releasing an exaggerated sigh, she leaned back. “besides, my life has gone to shit and i really miss talking to you about it all. being together, letting go of all the stress and bullshit. i mean, you were the person i went to when i wanted to escape all of that, and now—” i betrayed your trust and fucked it all up. for nothing. more tears began burning behind annie’s eyes, heading tilting up a touch so she could blink them back.

it really did hurt her to see annie so choked up-- the tears pooling in the corners of her doe orbs despite her efforts to stop them. ryan had wiped those tears from her eyes so many times, it took all the strength she had in her not to close the distance between them and do just that. ry wasn’t ready for that yet though.. which made her sad. her own gaze diverted away from the blonde in an attempt to keep her own emotions under bay.

“i’ve.. made some bad decisions lately, ended up in a few bad situations--” she thought back to the night anthony had to come save her.. and the night following, when bellamy discovered every last bruise--bad was being generous--all of which were seared in her mind permanently. she tugged the sleeves of her sweater over her hands, after she’d adjusted her turtle neck in an attempt to make sure no skin--which was still coloured purple--was showing. “--my mind’s been a bit of a mess, which i realized we probably have in common.. i’m sorry you had to expose your own secret like that, annie. i’m not sure what i would have done if the tables had been reversed. it wasn’t fair to you.” annie had been brave, or so ry thought. it took guts to take matters into your own hands like she had, to throw caution aside -- it couldn’t have been easy. 

letting out a deep sigh, ryan let her eyes found those of annie’s once more. “i know it may take some time for things to feel.. normal again, if they ever do but.. but i miss you. it hurts to be here, around you, right now, sure.. but it hurts just as much not to be around you. i’m not entirely sure what to do with that.”

[ryankingslcy]

[text]: well if you ever need me as a distraction, give me a call. I’ll be there

[text]: maybe we can go for a drive this week? i haven’t gotten the chance to test out that awesome new golf cart of yours and that sounds like a good distraction to me.[text]: also.. if you ever need to talk.. or a shoulder to lean on, i’ll be there too. 💛

[ryankingslcy]

[text]: you never really lost me though, ryan. I don’t think that’s possible. Do you need a distraction from those thoughts?

[text]: it felt like i did for a little bit but i realize it’s just different now. yeah, honestly.. i do, every day, but i’m working on it, better distractions. i know i can’t do what i was doing anymore.

[ryankingslcy]

[text]: I wouldn’t hurt her like that, i didn’t even mean to hurt her now and somehow I still fucking did? I never meant to hurt you like that either. I think we’re all a little bit messed up when it comes to the heart situation. what I do know is I missed being able to talk to you like this. like I said, I’m here for whatever you need, ry. just..talk to me.

[text]: no, i know you wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose.. we’re all just careless with our choices, i guess.[text]: ant.. sometimes, i just feel so lonely. i lost you, and then i lost annie. sofia was busy with all the garrett drama and i even messed things up with bellamy for a bit.. i just felt like i had no one. so i went looking for something and it wasn’t bad at first.. but then it got bad, as you saw, and i let it get worse. i realize where i went wrong but that doesn’t make stopping easy. i still want that full feeling i felt during it all.. i don’t know. 

[ryankingslcy]

[text]: I don’t know where her and I stand right now — my own doing, really. mostly because she’s easy to distrust me, I don’t know. That worries me. Which I get, I fucking get, I don’t blame her. I also don’t want to complicate things more either, that’s the last thing I want to do. I just.. I don’t know I think the best thing for me right now is not to be in a relationship or dating anyone. you’re my family too, you always will be, ry. that will never change.

[text]: you should do what you think is best for you then but maybe.. you should figure out where you stand with her first. it really hurt when i found out you slept with her and i don’t want to hurt her like that, even though we didn’t do anything. [text]: also.. i haven’t been protecting my own heart very well recently, as you saw the other night, i need to start doing a better job at that.. 

[ryankingslcy]

[text]: I didn’t get to answer before how I wanted to. Mostly because of my own personal issues and me in my own head for the last couple of hours (i.e everything that went on the dash) [text] I wanted to apologize for that because I would do that for you anytime. second, I wanted to say that the night with you, I keep thinking and thinking about it, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you or Annie, but it’s seems like I keep fucking up with her regardless. ( text 1/2)

[text] but I think to be able to clear things up, to make things make sense, I need to be honest with both of you. Jesus fucking Christ, I hope I’m making sense. without beating around the bush, I realize that I still have feelings for you and it’s fucked, right? no matter what I do someone ends up hurt.

[text]: i don’t know what to say.. because i don’t want to complicate things more than they already seem to be for you, ant. i think maybe we all have a lot to figure out.. are you still dating her? annie..[text]: but.. you being there for me meant everything. you’re my family, you know? i just.. it broke my heart when you told me you didn’t love me anymore, so you being there.. it reminded me of how things used to be and it was really nice.

[ryankingslcy]

[text]: hey, do you have a minute?

[text]: sure.. what’s up?

[ryankingslcy]

santiagosvarcla‌:

@santi_go: YO allow me to GROW. to CHANGE into a beautiful butterfly. I’m tryna become cameron though for my girl @malloryrosario

@batryman: @santi_go that just doesn’t sound realistic to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

[ryankingslcy]

santiagosvarcla‌:

@santi_go: was watching love is blind during a break from Econ and that love between Lauren and Cameron...I’m not gonna lie...The girl next to me caught me tearing. #realmencry

@batryman: @santi_go too bad you’re a total barnett meets damian 😗

[ryankingslcy]

📲 ryan + bellamy

bellamy: like a me in the aquaman speedo distraction?

bellamy: because i can do that. or not do that, we can grab food or go for a drive or something.

ryan: i heard that speedo is your new choice of under garments, bell

ryan: maybe a drive?

[ryankingslcy]

anniewats‌:

the knock on her door frame came much sooner than expected. annie was still sat on her bed, back leaning against the head frame and phone clutched in front of her with both hands. you’d think she would’ve gotten used to the twists and turns between all of her friends—the drama, the sadness, the ever-changing alliances—but she wasn’t. and they just kept coming, now in faster succession. now, while one of her relationships was taking an apparent upswing, another was suffering a low dip.

ryan’s arrival immediately brought the girl to set her phone aside and wipe her eyes. there was no telling what this conversation was going to be like and, if annie had to guess, opening it with, “anthony just broke things off between us because of my reaction to the hannah situation” wasn’t smart. especially when ryan had specifically said she didn’t want to talk about it.

forcing a smile on her face, the blonde sat up and made room for the other girl, should she choose to sit on the bed. “oh.” the double-sided comment caught her off guard, unsure of how to react for a moment. “thanks,” she decided on, silently admitting to herself that the valentine’s day bit was the least of her worries. besides, it was understandable. “what’s up?” annie quickly continued.

the forced smile threw ryan off her game -- but something told her it had less to do with her surprise appearance and more to do with the mess of a show that had unfolded earlier on social media. it seemed, lately at least, nothing at northshore could stay calm for very long. there was always a secret waiting behind each and every corner or closed door, ready to excuse itself at the most inconvenient of times. she nodded, as annie took the flowers, offering the blonde a small smile of her own in return. 

“oh.. um--” the words she had so artfully crafted last night during her shower were, in an instant, gone--lost to the deepest, darkest corners of ryan’s mind. great.. she thought to herself, before continuing-- completely winging it. “i just.. well, i’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently and as much as i’m still hurt by everything that happened, and the way it was handled after the fact, i’ve realized i can’t control other people’s actions. i can only control what i do.” she stayed put by the door, shifting her weight from foot to foot. “i also think it’s worth mentioning i’ve been going through a lot recently, on top of the break up, and i may have projected some of that onto you. i’m not saying what you did wasn’t worthy of my response, but my mind has been a mess for awhile..” ryan shrugged, dropping her gaze to the floor. “we’re all going through a lot, sometimes more than anyone knows, and i just wanted to.. i don’t know, talk.”

[ryankingslcy]

📲 ryan + bellamy

bellamy: if i weren’t okay with it, i wouldn’t have agreed in the first place. i’m always here for you, ry, you know that. what’s up?

ryan: 🤷🏼‍♀️

ryan: trying not to let other people's actions effect my mood but it's hard and it sucks and this is usually when i would.. look for a distraction, i guess.

[ryankingslcy]

@batryman: anyway @mulaney is on @snl tonight so there's THAT 😍

[ryankingslcy]

[text]: of course, i'll be here

(x)