Just because

Someone once gave me the best advice I could have received. When everyone one is pulling you every way you can imagine, just stop. You have to take care of yourself. You just have to do you. So here I am. Just doing me.

[beautifulandscary]

I wanna know what people assume about me because of my tumblr.

[telvi1]

Put an assumption in my ask. I’ll confirm or dispute it. I’m not gonna be mean or anything, I’m just very interested. You can go anon if you want.

[lizclimo]

[rynaragi]

Humble

Death has been a friend of mine since I was a child. It’s always surrounded me, always just far enough not to name me it’s next victim. Maybe that’s why when we came face to face, I respected their power. People talk about lights which scares me since I was drowning in thick black with only my mothers face in view. Her smile consuming me and holding my attention like a magnet. It was so fast. My tango with death felt like it was fast forwarded. It was so long but short at the same time. I had no true concept of time. It crazy to think I was struggling to live while I was in this daze. I was barely hanging on and I had no control. My life wasn’t something I could decide I wanted. There was no power to hold onto it because I didn’t even know I was losing it. Death left me a gift though. A reminder that I can expire at any moment. That even if I live to the fullest, I’m permanently impaired. Thank you for my depression. It’s not like I was suffocating as is.

[rynaragi]

I'm my own fucking boss and that feels so goddamn good.

[rynaragi]

As I dive into another bottle and my belly become warm, I am reminded of a date that I don't want to face. August is a horrible month for me, but now I must face 3.

[rynaragi]

Heather

When I was in 5th grade, I remember being told that changes were going to happen to my body. It was normal and that when my body was ready, it would just happen. A little while after is when a voice filled my head that wasn't my own. It was normal. She didn't say anything weird, she just never stopped talking. Especially when I was scared or nervous. Soon she brought some friends and slowly they just said more and more things. But I never heard the first voice again. As I got older I thought voices in your head were normal. I never mentioned them to other people. Until time would pass and things were said that I never said. And people who knew me I didn't know. Things happened that I didn't remember happening. I was completely drowning in my own life and then I met Heather. She was the first girl I ever loved. They way she acted was amazing. I loved her mind and her obsessions. She was the first person I told about the voices. I even told her how I got them and how certain things could make more come. Heather was fascinated by me. She would ask me all these questions and I would answer, until we found out that I was actually sick. We finally hit the part in health about mental illnesses. I saw a glimpse of Sybil and I saw a piece of myself. We weren't in the same class, but I could already imagine her face when she realized. I remember when I saw her after school that day she just cried. She was the only person that knew for the longest time. Even as we went to different school, she was the only one. Out of all the kids that fucked my high school life, no one was even smart enough to put two and two together. I never told Heather I loved her. Even when we met again, I just kept it to myself. Now we just watch each other's lives play out on Facebook. I hope she knows that she will always have a special place in my heart for the kindness she showed me.

[rynaragi]

Human pill bottle

My life has been summed up in circle tablets coated in colors and numbers I don't recognize. "I feel you need some assistance" she says paralyzed but normalized. She goes on about "doing me a favor" by giving me one, but this one makes me numb and I can't help but be stunned by what she has easily done. As I turn in my script, I try to get a grip so I can take this thing that makes me ache and be less of a mistake. Take a pill. It feels like poison, breaking my brain to fit the mold that cannot hold the extra pieces I have made. I must behave, please be brave. It kills my friends inside my head that I have made to be saved from his rage when I was enslaved. Take a pill. I start to lose parts of me that makes me me. Every detail the world can offer is not noticeable anymore like it's lock behind a door that is no more. This is life. To take the cure and just endure societies normalcy knife that cuts away at me slice by slice. Because I have two choices to be ignored or locked indoors in human sized cages if I don't do as they say and get on the same pages. This is MY life even though I'd love to be medicated free and live my life full throttle. Take a pill. But that can be ignored for I am adored as the human pill bottle.

[rynaragi]

I went to you

The spot that I hide away from the world. The one place I know that no one can find me. It's like all the other spots I have. High, low traffic, and a bit of a hike. In this spot, I wrote my daughter's name and her death date in gold. I wanted to been close to her. Be close to them. Especially with the date of my own mother's death coming soon. With Alessia cara drowning my eardrums I just watch the sunset. I closed my eyes and enjoyed a harsh warm breeze summer was beating me with. I analyzed the colors of the sky turning from blues and whites to pinks and oranges. I counted 7 planes that flew over me. My heart feeling like an unbearable weight of guilt, loss, and pain. Thinking how the female generation before me and after me are both gone makes my eyes gush. I even begin to question when the loss will end. As I looked up and soaked up the last of the burning sunlight, you raced across my vision. You didn't startle me but I scared you so much that I almost made you ride your bike off the cliff I was dangling from. I ignored you. I wanted to wallow in my sadness alone. You had to have stood behind me for a long while. Even when I watch your lips moves, I could tell you were composing your thoughts of what to say to me long before you confronted me. I removed my headphones to confirm your words. You asked if I was alright and offered me your only bottle of water. I said I was fine and declined your bottle. I stayed for over an hour but you stuck around. You pretended to look at other drops on the cliff, looked at the view, and even rode your bike around. As I said my pray and thanked god for the pain to be gone from my chest, I could feel you staring at me. I must have looked fun in dress pants on the ground in rocks and dirt praying. But even when my eyes met yours, you didn't look away. I turned my music off but you didn't know. I could here you take photos of whatever was around. Probably even the sunset ending. I slowly moved and hid from you. Once I saw you weren't even paying attention to me, I hiked back to my car. I could see you from the drop of the cliff. Your were shocked that I was gone but as soon as you saw me at my car you got your bike and rode toward me. I continued to ignore you but I know you were talking to me. I began to drive away and I saw you followed me along on your bike. I'm pretty sure you were worried I'd kill myself. I was dangling off the side of a cliff. I wish I could thank you but I was too worried that you'd kill me before I could enjoy what life I have left. So thank you. I didn't want to die, but the fact that you stuck around just in case was pretty kind of you. Just known that I am sad, but so is the family I've built on my own. We mourn my mother just like we mourn our baby girl. Love can bring you flowers or it can build you coffins. So I'm just taking care of my coffins.

[rynaragi]

Medicated

I'd given anything to be able to cry or feel something more than the grey that I'm feeling.

[rynaragi]

Stillborn

To all the mothers that lost a child and lactate, I'm so sorry.

[rynaragi]

To the persons who saved my life

A blood transfusion is a weird thing. It's a creepy feeling to know someone's blood (that isn't yours) is reaching deep inside you to enable your heart to take another beat. I tried to donate once. It was when I hoped my iron to be at its highest. I tried to donate 3 days in a row consuming as much iron as I could but it still wasn't high enough. When I was given my wrist band, I honestly didn't think I would need it. I was hopeful. Then I woke up struggling to breathe or even stay alert. Falling in and out of conciseness, I could hear the blaring from my blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was way too low. Barely clinging to 68. Out I was again. I kept begging to see my family. Just to have them near me every time I was awake. I was given oxygen and transferred to a room. I passed out and I awoke with people rushing me to a bed. I was given another bracelet. Fall risk. Then I was given blood. It was warm and made me feel sick. My arm began to bruise instantly. But I could feel my heart relax and my lungs take deeper breaths on there own. But one transfusion wasn't enough. After two transfusions, my cheeks were flushed red like I was drunk. Everywhere I was poked bruised like I was beaten. My family cried. I tried to entertain them but they were worried the entire time. My surgery took twice as long than normal. I lost 4 pints of blood. Whoever you are, you gave life to a mother of two. You gave me another day with my family. Your donation saved my life and I will never forget it. I thank you for your kindness. I hope one day I will be able to return the favor.

[teamfreewill-imagine]

Being a fic writer like

Friend: How’s the writing going? You’ve been to it for hours

Me:

[ruinedchildhood]

[astro-b-o-y-d]

[newkidsonmycock20]

[machodadrandysavage]

[hauntedportraits-deactivated202]

This show is going to kill me.