A Short Guide to Courtesy Towards Those with Religious Trauma
Disclaimer: I am only speaking for myself and my experiences within Christianity. Though some of these points may apply to other ex-faiths, I am not knowledgeable enough to talk about them all. It would be really helpful to see other lists like this for ex-mormons/ex-muslims/ex-cult/ex-moonies/ex-catholics and others, however that’s not my place to do so!
First off, what is religious trauma?
Religious trauma is mainly defined as resulting from an authoritarian, dogmatic religion and the act of leaving the religion and unlearning/coping with the harmful doctrines
However, spiritual abuse will almost always result in a variety of different forms of abuse including, but not limited to: child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, domestic abuse and neglect
Long lasting side affects can result in: suppression of normal child development, damage to normal thinking and feeling abilities, long-term physical and mental health problems, confusion, poor critical thinking ability, negative beliefs about self-ability and self-worth, black and white thinking, perfectionism, difficulty with decision-making, depression, anxiety, anger, grief, loneliness, difficulty with pleasure, loss of meaning, loss of social network, family rupture, social awkwardness, sexual difficulty, behind schedule on developmental tasks, unfamiliarity with secular world; “fish out of water” feelings, difficulty belonging, information gaps (e.g. evolution, modern art, music)
(For a better understanding, I would advise you to read the information on this website. It is possible that not everyone who has experienced spiritual abuse will develop religious trauma syndrome and I am not a psychologist, however it is the most helpful way of detailing the detrimental affects of dealing with this specific kind of abuse. Feel free to correct me if i made any errors with this statement!)
Which brings us to the main point. How do you have a safe dialogue with someone who has been religiously abused?
There is a gross lack of resources out there for religious trauma, and because of this there is a large amount of ignorance. This post is mainly centered around ex-christian interaction with practicing Christians, though it can be applied to other areas. Please note that this reference list comes from several personal conversations and experiences, so it may not be relatable to everyone.
Someone sharing their trauma with you is a serious thing. If someone chooses to confide in you, that normally means they have a great amount of trust in you and are looking for security, acceptance and love.
‘‘You just had a bad experience with the church!’‘
It’s dismissing the trauma that someone has personally experienced and witnessed. Most times this will come from someone who feels threatened by the notion that faith can be a perpetrator of abuse. Saying this gives the distinct impression that you could care less about what the person has experienced. It’s a good way to ensure that the person confiding in you never shares anything personal with you ever again. Someone who has spent the majority of their life centered around faith has probably been to more churches than you have.
‘‘Not all Christians are like that!’‘
This one is the most common. Again, it dismisses the experiences of the person confiding in you. It’s similar to the phrase ‘’not all men’’ in the way that it jumps to the defense of the abusive party, assuming you are attacking the majority. The person confiding in you knows that all Christians are not the same. It’s also fair to mention that the majority of ‘’good’’ Christians are viewed by more dogmatic sects as ‘’false’’ Christians.
‘‘______ aren’t true Christians!’‘
This isn’t helpful. Instead of acknowledging that people who share your faith can be toxic, it’s simply discrediting them and shoving them under a rug. Authoritative religious leaders will do the exact same thing, dismissing acts by more liberal Christians as ungodly and sinful.
‘’God loves you and would never hurt you!’’
Most people who have experienced religious trauma have been terrorized by the concept of God. Disobedience is avoided out of the fear of God bringing harm to them or their loved ones. God’s ‘’love’’ is similar to that of an abusive father or spouse. In most deconversions, even when belief is gone there is still a fundamental fear of God. The image of a kind God is a foreign concept.
‘‘You should try _____ instead!’‘
Spiritually abused people can either be incredibly defensive against all forms of religion or extremely susceptible to be pulled back into an abusive religion while trying to heal from their previous one. If someone is visibly alarmed by religious topics, they don’t want to talk about them.
‘‘Why do you hate Christians???’‘
Traumatized people have a right to talk about their abuse just like you have the right to talk about your beliefs. If you care about improving your faith, there should be an interest in hearing the experiences of those who have been spiritually abused without acting like you are being directly attacked. Calling out an abusive system and the abusers inside the system does not include the people who are suffering inside the system or trying their best to reform it (though some ex-religious people may want nothing to do with any kind of church reform).
‘‘If you think Christianity is bad, then what about ____ ? Are you going to ignore that???’‘
Coming from the perspective of a Westerner, America is very centered on Christianity because we are a majority Christian nation. People who have broken away from Christianity will mainly focus on Christianity because that’s their experience and what they’re knowledgeable enough to talk about. However, it’s our job as ex-religious people to stand in solidarity with other ex-religious people and to learn about their struggles. Focusing on one abuse does not mean that you do not care about the others.
Racism, homophobia, transphobia and misogyny are incredibly prevalent in the church. Bending over backwards to prove that the Bible doesn’t approve of any of these things is most times neither helpful or wanted, though the intention can be well-meaning.
The proper way to start a dialogue with an ex-religious person is what you should do for any abuse or trauma victim.
Listen to them just like you would anyone else!
You don’t have to defend what you believe, or try to convince them that there are good religions. You just have to want to listen.
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