A 7 year old Sam learning about guardian angels from someone at his school-of-the-week and how they help people
Sam going to look at the Bible in the hotel room they’re staying at as soon as he can have a moment of privacy
Sam thinking that you pick your own guardian angel and opening the book, pointing to a random verse, and if there’s an angel named then he’s going with that one
Sam landing on Gabriel’s name
Gabriel hearing a young voice praying directly to him- “Angel Gabriel? I dunno what I’m doing, but my name is Samuel Winchester, and I want you to be my guardian angel.”
Gabriel smiling because he knows that name and he’s honored by the request, even if he technically doesn’t still identify as an angel.
More prayers come. “Hey, Gabriel? Sorry for calling you an angel. I found a cool book that said you were an archangel. I hope I said that right.”
“Gabriel? Can you make it so I have cereal in the morning?”
“Gabriel? Do you know where my dad is?”
“Gabe? Can I get a sign telling me what really happened to mom?”
“Wow, Gabe…. I know I asked for a sign, but I didn’t need to find dad’s journal….”
“Gabriel? Can you be Dean’s guardian angel, too? I think he needs one.”
“Hey Gabe- help me stay here longer so I can go to the dance with her.”
“Gabriel? I know it’s been a while, but I really want to get into Stanford. Help me out?”
“Hey Gabe? Can I use you as a wingman? Wait, you actually have wings…. Shouldn’t have said that. Anyway, there’s this girl I really like. Jessica Moore. Help me out?”
“Gabriel! I’m in love! I’m thinking about marrying Jess…. She’s perfect. Should I?” “Gabriel, you suck at signs. I thought finding Dad’s journal was bad, but this… I thought angels were supposed to be good.”
“So, Gabriel, there’s an angel taking out people down here on Earth. But every victim was either a murderer or a pedophile, so I don’t know if it’s good or not.”
“Uh, Gabe, so….it wasn’t an angel. Are you even real? Am I praying to nothing?”
“Gabriel, Loki, whatever. I know this won’t actually get to you since what Lucifer did, but….thank you.”
Eyes the colour of honey. Lips curled into perpetual smirk. Voice-
“You’re welcome, kiddo.”
A dream. Must be a dream. Impossible-
“Not exactly a dream, but close enough.”
Gabriel, Sam wants to say, but he can’t hear his own voice. Can’t feel his body and he feels like he is drowning. Falling. Falling.
“Yep, talking here is tricky. Takes time to get the hang of it. But I doubt you’d be here long enough, so lemme do the talking, okay?”
A ghost of a touch. A memory of a memory of something that never happened. A warm hand on his cheek.
“You’ve been talking to me ever since you were seven. I think it’s only fair that now I get to talk to you. We didn’t exactly have time for a proper conversation before, have we?”
Sam isn’t sure he can see it, but it feels like Gabriel is smiling at him, soft and gentle and wistful.
“Lucifer killed me very well. He’s always been a perfectionist, so he’s probably pretty proud of that. Not that I blame him. It’s hard to kill an archangel, let alone your own brother. But he did, and here I am. No way back for me - sorry, kiddo. I wish I could be. Wish I could be there for you. Wish that someone could be there for you - someone other than Dean. Because he cannot be everywhere at once. And look at you now, getting yourself killed, scaring the shit outta your big overprotective bro. But don’t you worry, Sammy. Don’t you worry. I’m gonna get you out of here if it’s the last thing I do. It probably is - oh, I wish you could see the irony of that.”
Sam feels tears streaming down Gabriel’s face. He still cannot feel his body, cannot move, cannot speak. But somehow he finds Gabriel’s hand. Squeezes it in his. Runs a thumb over Gabriel’s knuckles. Gabriel laughs, startled.
“Everyone thinks that it’s good old Dean-o, but I gotta say, you’re the more stubborn Winchester, Samshine. So who knows - maybe I’ll see you again. In some other life.”
A pause.
“I hope we can be friends then.”
Sam wants to say something - to reassure him - but his voice is still missing, and suddenly the whole world spins, and there’s light and light and pain and-
He draws air in his lungs, gasping, gulping, suddenly aware of his body, back in my body, he thinks, not dead, he thinks, Dean-
“Hey, hey, Sam, you okay? When I saw you-”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Spell just knocked me out. Did you get him?”
“Yep. Let’s get out of here.”
Sam nods. Holds onto Dean’s proffered hand. Gets up. Doesn’t remember how they get in the car. Dean is driving, and they’re both alive, and the witch is dead. But he feels like there’s a piece of him missing.
The feeling is still there when he wakes up several hours later.
Gabriel is gone.
OH GOD, SO MUCH PAIN THOUGH. ACK.
So of course, my brain goes and does the thing. I’M SORRY, BUT I NEEDED TO FIX THE BEAUTIFUL HEART-WRENCHING ANGST, I’M SORRY. <3
It hurts less now, to come across Gabriel’s name. To see it in books, in lore, and to have that quicker-than-lightening flash of golden eyes, a smirk, and a quip.
It hurts less, but it never stops hurting.
Sam takes a deep breath and focuses on reading the rest of the lore, but Gabriel’s name is still there, at the top, and the small pulse of pain that accompanies it settles into his chest again.
“Sam?”
Sam yanks his attention to Castiel and forces a smile on his face. “Yeah, Cas?”
“Do you know where Dean is?”
Sam smiled. Castiel was more obvious than he wanted to be. “He’s downstairs in the garage.”
“Thank you, Sam.”
It was easy to wait until Cas was gone before he turned back to the page in the book and trailed his fingertip over Gabriel’s name. Gabriel. How many times had Gabriel heard his prayers and laughed?
It stung, to know that it was probably true.
I hope we can be friends, then.
The words are familiar and they make the pulse of pain ache even more. He remembered waking up after the spell from the witch, the faint memory of Gabriel.
He threw his pen down on the table and sighed, closing the book in front of him. He could still remember Chuck’s words, that it would take too long to bring Gabriel back. But he could have done it. He could have.
He strode through the bunker and stopped in the main room, the small pulse of pain hurting more and more, now.
Sam turned on his heel and went to his bedroom. He shut the door behind him and took a deep breath, looking at the room he’d slowly started to make his. He sat down on the edge of the bed and clasped his hands together in his lap.
Chuck. I’ve been praying to Gabriel as my guardian angel since I was seven. He, he protected me once. I’ve been to where he was. He brought me back. He wanted, he wanted to see me again. He wanted to be friends. I know there wasn’t time before. But maybe…maybe there is now.
He messed up, sure. But he saved us, saved me. And I…
Sam opened his eyes and looked up at the grey ceiling. He could feel the surprise Gabriel had had when he’d willingly squeezed his hand, the tears running down his face.
I think he was scared, at the end. And I don’t think he deserved that. Could, could you maybe think about bringing him back? Someday?
Sam took a deep, shaky breath and dropped his head, staring at the floor again. “Amen,” he whispered, wiping at his face. He stood up and shook his head. That’d been a stupid idea. Not like Chuck was listening, he was off catching up with Amara.
“He might be better off dead, you know.”
