Ashni

[sacnoth]

Oh right the friend I was feeling weird about almost 2yrs ago? Like where I was jealous about them literally just playing a video game with another friend without me?

Yeah that didn’t get any better, I still feel weird about them. This is some high school shit and I’m 30, like what the fuck. My brain needs to get it together.

I feel really bad because sometimes I sort of pull away a bit from our friendship because I’m trying to keep myself from saying anything dumb I’ll regret. And I think when I pull away like that they get worried they’ve done something wrong and while I’ve told them I’m just like that sometimes, even with friends I’ve known my whole life… that’s not the whole truth. Usually when I’m pulling away from friends, it’s all of them, and it’s because I’m depressed. But I’m pulling away from [redacted] specifically when I start catching myself maybe drifting into hypo territory bc if I say something dumb then I can’t really come back from that.

Which hasn’t been much of an issue recently luckily. One point like… last fall? Late summer? Maybe August? It was little yikes for a bit.

It doesn’t help that sometimes they undersell their achievements and so like any good friend I want to build them up and remind them that actually whatever they did was super impressive… but then the complimenting leads to them talking about their lack of self confidence in general…… if they ever got the slightest idea I maybe wasn’t feeling 100% platonic about them I think they’d go back and question every time I ever complimented them. Like a “oh they’re just biased bc they like me” or maybe even worse “they didn’t mean it, they were just saying it bc they like me”. And I absolutely cannot do that to them. I’ve thought those things about them for years before I started having the weird feelings. Always has been one of the best people I know.

But again, hasn’t been much of an issue recently, just was scrolling through my old posts on this blog and saw the one about them and felt like giving a rambling update on that situation.

[sacnoth]

Womp womp

You know I’m back on this blog I must be feeling like shit lmao

Sometimes I think like tbh gender doesn’t matter to me, I like my name, it’s all cool, my weird gender feelings don’t really matter. And then I see a reddit namenerds thread where trans people are sharing their chosen names and I see someone share the name I… have an interest in (and have for more than a decade now…) and once again I’m so irrationally jealous and it’s ruining my day.

Happy TDOV I guess.

[sacnoth]

ok I know I abandoned this account to return to my og account but, uh, I’m back for silly reasons

I play ffxiv w a friend and wanna post about it somewhere they can’t see 😅

I’ve wanted to for a while now but the straw that broke the camel’s back here is that another friend of theirs just started playing and instead of being like “oh yay, more friends!” my reaction was jealousy 😬 I don’t have time to unpack that reaction but uh yeah.

[sacnoth]

I should be excited!!! This is a chance for me to make a new friend!

but nope brain is like “I hope he drops the game in a few days/weeks so I can have [redacted] to myself” which is super dumb bc they play w/ other ppl too (…but I do get the most one-on-one time I think) I think the diff in my mind is the other ppl they play w are also long-time players who do, like, high level stuff. but I’m still working on MSQ so this friend is like… idk it’s a different dynamic? and now they will have a new newbie to help :(

…It is worse bc one of the things I wanted to come back to say a while ago was that I thought their character was rlly cute and how that may be affecting my judgement and yeah that’s yikes.

[sacnoth]

ok I know I abandoned this account to return to my og account but, uh, I’m back for silly reasons

I play ffxiv w a friend and wanna post about it somewhere they can’t see 😅

I’ve wanted to for a while now but the straw that broke the camel’s back here is that another friend of theirs just started playing and instead of being like “oh yay, more friends!” my reaction was jealousy 😬 I don’t have time to unpack that reaction but uh yeah.

[sacnoth]

People from Twitter are returning to Tumblr... and as such I feel like I should move back to my original Tumblr account. 

I haven’t posted there in... as long as I’ve had this blog (so 2017 ig). Most people I knew had stopped (regularly) using Tumblr, and despite that I didn’t quite feel comfortable being “myself” there, “just in case”, you know? So I just made a new account.

But now people are returning. I looked over how many people I used to be friends with who are back, and I actually found someone I’ve missed a lot.

Like, a lot a lot.

So I’m all emo and nostalgic and gonna head back over there. I’ll follow people from that acct because I like all the stuff I see on the dashboard on this acct, but I probably won’t msg anyone so ~you’ll never know~. But if the fun wears off then who knows, maybe I’ll be back here eventually?

[sacnoth]

Lol every time a friend comes out as nb I get irrationally jealous. I sort of just feel like it’s “too late” for me to come out which I know is Not True but everyone else I know came out at like 18-22 so it’s just… yeah.

The only person who knows is G (20) bc when I was questioning I needed to talk to someone, and G was that perfect sweet spot of, like, just close enough that it wasn’t weird to have an in-depth convo about gender where I ask personal questions but also not so close that I have to talk to her all the time and dwell on our convo.

Just sort of moody about this today bc my friend J (19) just came out and I’m sitting here like 🫠 How are you kids so self-aware?

Also it feels weird to have so many friends that are 18-22 esp bc some of them I knew before they were even 18. It’s like… there are certain boundaries you need to have when you’re talking w/ 16-17yos as an adult but once they’re adults I’m like ???¿¿? What topics become ok and which are still off-limits. Usually it’s just gaming stuff or really vague irl things like “I got a new part-time job” or “I’m studying for finals” but at what point, if any, can we infodump about personal shit. Rn I do that with my og friend group and w/ K (26) & Y (??) but yeah.

Also also speaking of Y I just really wanna give him headpats sometimes.

[citrus-feline]

[theselfcarelifestyle]

You can do things just for the sake of creating and having fun. There doesn’t need to be a greater purpose to your hobbies. You don’t need to be improving at them. You can just enjoy doing them awkwardly and imperfectly.

[blackwoolncrown]

pretty shitty how baseline human activities like singing, dancing and making art got turned into skills  instead of being seen as behaviors

so now it’s like ‘the point of doing them is to get good at them’ and not ‘this is a thing humans do, the way birds sing and bees make hives’.

[sonateharder]

I know I’ve posted this before, but it bears repeating.

This is a thing humans do; you don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it.

[strangewomanlover-deactivated20]

U kno what yea I’ll just say it I’m a passenger seat princess . I was meant to look hot beside u while being driven around

[kaijutegu]

you don’t need to ask for jane anymore: a guide to coming to chicago for a safe, low-cost abortion

A lot of people in the US are super worried about the Supreme Court axing Roe v. Wade, but what they might not know is that some states have laws in place that will protect the right to reproductive choice and abortion if that happens. One of these states is the state of Illinois. In 2019, a law was passed that protects abortion rights within the state even if the federal right to an abortion falls. This means that if Roe v. Wade is overturned, abortion will still be a protected right in Illinois. Even before Roe, Chicago was a haven for safe abortions- you just called and asked for Jane.

Now, safe abortion access is the law of the land in IL, and there are several groups who can help you. This post is long, but I think it’s worthwhile. Even if you don’t read all the way through it, maybe save it for later. You or someone you know might need it. If you want to stop now, the TL;DR is this:

f you’re a minor and you can’t tell your parents, get a waiver of notification from the IL Judicial Bypass program.

Schedule your appointment.

Contact abortion funds to get financial aid. Your home state might have s fund, and the Chicago Abortion Fund can help.

Secure housing for the procedure through the Midwest Access Coalition or by talking to the intake staff at the clinic of your choice.

I’d like to start by saying that the closer to home you get your abortion, should you need one, the easier it will be for you… probably. It depends on your individual situation AND your safety. If I still lived in Indiana and I needed an abortion, I’d probably leave to get it done, even though there are abortion providers in Indiana, because Indiana is super hostile and there’s lots of clinic protestors- for example, when I was taking my GRE my senior year at Notre Dame, the testing center was in this little strip mall in Mishawaka next to Planned Parenthood. Despite the fact that the PP in Mishawaka does not provide abortions, there were protestors who yelled at me for going in there. I wasn’t even going to PP. I’d like to say that I said something devastatingly cool but I just ran in flustered. Point being: It really, really would have sucked if I was there for healthcare instead of a standardized test for graduate school. And that’s a very tame, mild situation! Real abortion clinic protests are often much more devastating! 

ANYWAYS. The less you have to travel, the easier things tend to be, if it’s safe to get an abortion where you are and if your state will have protected abortions if Roe is overturned. If you’re not sure what might happen in your state in that case, this map has a clear, succinct overview of the legal status of abortion in each state and all US territories. You will want to click through to that link, because this image isn’t interactive.

[ID: a map of the US with states and territories sorted by their legal protections for abortion into four categories: expanded access in the case of Roe v. Wade being overturned, protected, not protected, and hostile. IL is highlighted.]

So let’s say you live in any of those red states. (Yellow and blue are safe- abortion access is protected there.) Let’s say, worst case scenario, Roe gets overturned and you get pregnant and you want to terminate. You will be able to do that in IL, and it’s relatively easy to do that in Chicago for a relatively low cost and with the benefit of a robust support network of people who want to reaffirm your reproductive choices.

First, if you’re a minor and you don’t want to tell your parents because it’s not safe for you to do so, get a judicial waiver of parental notification. The IL ACLU has a judicial bypass hotline. This will come at no cost to you. Do this ASAP, because it takes time to get it set up! You can do this by calling the hotline at 877-442-9727, texting 312-560-6607, or emailing [email protected].

Next, you need to get an appointment set up. You could get a referral from someone local to you, but this can be tricky- 87% of counties in the US don’t have an abortion provider, and google can lead you to a crisis pregnancy center. They will not help you. If you have a local Planned Parenthood, call them. Even if they don’t provide abortions, they can refer you to someone who can. If you’re coming to Chicago, which this post… kind of assumes you are… you can call any of these groups to talk about your options and what clinics can help you. I recommend starting with FPA or PP; those are two actual clinics. MAC and CAF are funds- they can direct you but they can’t schedule an appointment for you.

Family Planning Associates (FPA): 312-707-8988 or use their online schedule tool, found here: https://www.fpachicago.com/schedule-now/ Chicago Abortion Fund (CAF): Phone: [phone] (note: the helpline is only staffed MWF from 3:30-6:30 PM CST, or email [email protected] Midwest Access Coalition (MAC): 847-750-6224 or email [email protected] Planned Parenthood of Illinois (PP): 1-800-230-7526

You might want to shop around and see which clinic costs the least, and is the most practical for you to get to. FPA has a lot of patient resources, as does PP. Don’t be afraid to ask for financial assistance. The people staffing those organizations have extensive networks and deep compassion for their patients- if the clinic can’t help, they might know who can.

Once you’ve made an appointment, now’s the time to start gathering financial aid. Some insurance, including IL Medicaid, covers it. If yours does not, or if the copay is still too much, this is where abortion funds come into play. Many states have their own abortion funds for state residents, so you might have to look around to see who can help you. I’d start with the National Network of Abortion Funds.

You also need to figure out transportation and housing while you’re in the city to get your abortion. This isn’t super necessary if you’re just coming for the pill abortion, but if you’re coming for a d and c or other surgical procedure, you will be staying for a couple of days. THIS is why I’m writing this up, because abortion funds typically only are able to help cover the financial cost of the procedure. It’s expensive to stay somewhere and it can be absolutely terrifying if you’re on your own! Navigating while you’re in pain from the procedure can be an absolute devil of a time, too! However, Chicago has MAC (contact info above), which is a practical access fund, which means that they help pay for transportation to the city (bus tickets and train tickets) and around the city (volunteer drivers or volunteers who take rideshares with clients), food, aftercare medicine (painkillers, etc.), and housing, and there’s also free access to emotional support staff throughout your stay. This is not just open to IL residents; it’s open to anyone coming to the city for an abortion. ALSO if you go through FPA, they have a partnership with the Hampton Inn a block away from their location where their patients get a discount. If you go that route, just talk to FPA about housing and they’ll hook you up. This can be super helpful if you need some evidence that you’re on a “business trip” or something like that- if you are in a position where you need an excuse for your safety, that might work well.

Hopefully you won’t need this post- but if you do, I hope it helps. Feel free to share it around. If you have anti-choice opinions and you feel the need to share, don’t. This isn’t the space for it; you will be blocked and your comments removed. And then remember that criminalizing abortion won’t stop abortion. It’ll just stop safe abortions. Also, increased access to abortion, funnily enough, tends to be the thing that lowers abortion rates, because increased access to abortion comes part and parcel with increased access to birth control and general health and sex education.

[kaijutegu]

Reblogging this because it’s always relevant… and because an administrative decision by MAC’s incredible leadership means they don’t just do bus and train tickets anymore. They will also help pay for airline tickets if you need to fly. If you are in the US and need to come to Chicago for an abortion, MAC’s got your back.

[kaijutegu]

In light of recent events.

https://www.elle.com/culture/career-politics/a37668369/abortion-funds-crisis-where-to-donate-end-of-roe/

https://abortionfunds.org/

http://www.sparkrj.org/

https://keepourclinics.org/

https://www.nirhealth.org/local-reproductive-freedom-index/

[kaijutegu]

Also, if you find yourself in a situation where you can’t travel, and you catch it early, you can do a medication abortion at home. This can either be clinician supported through telehealth or it can be a self-managed abortion (SMA). Either way, you can do this entirely online without ever having to go into a doctor’s office or clinic.

http://www.sparkrj.org/website/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/SMA-1-Pager.pdf

Now, this only works early in a pregnancy (up to 11-12 weeks), so if you’re in a situation where you suspect you may become pregnant and you don’t want to be, test early and often if you can. The various help lines can also help you figure out how far along you are.

More resources: https://www.reprolegalhelpline.org/- this link is a good resource for talking about your legal options. If you’re a pregnant person of color, immigrant, or low-income (and using Medicaid) in an abortion-hostile state, I HIGHLY recommend talking through your legal options because you are absolutely targeted by politicians and the US legal system.

https://www.plancpills.org/

https://abortionhotline.org/

Also, if you would like to do something IRL to help, why not print out some stickers? These have a QR code that leads to Plan C’s website.

https://global-uploads.webflow.com/5f7e0692875fa8243cac6673/613fac241151daf59881d89e_PlanC_DIY_StickerSheet_2x2.pdf

You can print these on sticker paper at home if you have it. It’s a good way to get the word out.

[kaijutegu]

As of… thirty minutes ago on Monday, 2 May 2022, Politico got hold of Justice Alito’s draft statement on Roe. It’s not good. We’re probably gonna lose Roe vs. Wade in two months, and that means if you live in a red state, you’re VERY probably going to lose the right to a safe abortion.

I know this is a long post, but if Roe is overturned, it’s not going to stop abortions. It’s just going to stop safe abortions. Abortion access is reproductive healthcare, and a lot of states are going to get really restrictive. Indiana, my home state, has already put a woman in jail for having a miscarriage. Oklahoma lawmakers would rather let women with ectopic pregnancies die than allow lifesaving medical procedures. This is bad, but! Underground abortion networks did exist before Roe vs. Wade, and now we have the internet. We have robust networks in place to help people that the government would rather see dead or imprisoned. Even if Roe is overturned, some states will be safe havens for abortion. Travel to these states can be difficult, but not impossible– that’s what abortion networks and abortion funds are for.

Please save as much of this information as may be relevant to you. And if you’re “pro-life” and feel the need to comment on this post? Don’t. Your opinions and input are neither valued nor wanted. Abortion access is a vital, necessary part of reproductive healthcare.

[pansyfemme]

i hate the concept of ‘straight passing’ people bc none of you can seem to acknowledge that theres mspec people who arent straight passing

[pansyfemme]

this is a personal thing bc- as i have explained many times, i have a mother and a father, and neither of them are straight. My father is a short, thin man who paints his nails, has a high voice, wears bowler hats and vests daily, and reviews theatre for a living. My mother (although she is now more feminine presenting) has short, curly hair (which she had shaved for a time) a deep voice, wears mostly overalls and work pants and used to be an organic farmer/painter. As you can imagine- my father, when he is not accompinied by my mother, is seen as a gay man. He is routinly hit on by men, asked about his ‘husband’ and gets profusly apologized to when he mentions his wife. My mother was reffered to by my aunt as an ‘ex lesbian’ (paraphrased) when she married my father. The fact that my parents have both been identifying as bisexual from the very start means very very little to those who make assumptions. However- when I say that I have two bi parents- its still assumed that they’ve “given up” their bisexuality- that they are the same as two heterosexual parents. I can tell you for a fact that the way I was raised was not by heterosexual parents. My dad bringing me to drag shows as a small child and my mother teaching me feminism and how to dress for myself as young as i could verbalise was not in vain. My parents are not ‘straight passing’. However- ‘straight passing’ is used for any m/f relationship between two queer people. It’s fucked, really. It’s not ‘straight passing’- you just think that bi people are straight.

[sacnoth]

Working on a project for work where we’re all going over old cases (we each have been assigned a year) and I’m way faster at it than any of my coworkers… but then I get to a case that ended with a fatality and I proceed to not be able to focus for several hours.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

You gotta learn when to take a step back and say "this isn't actually about you, it's a reaction caused by something or someone in my past which you accidentally triggered" or you'll keep projecting whatever bullshit happened in your past onto new people who had nothing to do with the trauma in question.

[sacnoth]

Was having a chat w two of my friends earlier today and we were discussing the idea of gender and we were sort of all disagreeing, and the one friend said something about “our perspective as cis people” and I just had to sit there like :) ah yes my cis perspective.

Nothing against her, she has no way of knowing, etc etc. I’m not even really comfy with the “trans” label or anything right now - my gender is very much in the “this is an issue that I will deal with when I am in a better headspace” but just ugh

I really do not like discussing gender stuff with my friends, cis or otherwise. With my cis friends I really do not like that I will give an example or talk about something I feel personally (but am not saying it’s me) and they’ll, like, push back against it. Which again, they have no way of knowing. I guess it’s like I feel the “don’t speak over me and my experiences, BUT also you do not know you are talking about me and with me not being out my ‘experience’ is limited” But it’s still very uncomfy. But then with my trans friends hearing them say very relatable things and then assuming I do not relate is also very... 🙃 (Again, no real judgement, they have no way of knowing, etc etc)

Said friend is a lesbian btw, and it does make me wonder if, before she came out (she previously had come out as bi) I ever said any shit about lesbians where, in her head, she was like internally screaming and just waiting for me to change the subject lol.

I just wish I could ask my friends to just give me like a solid 6 months or so where they do not speak to me about anything gender-related and also do not speak to me with references to any gender. Like a gender ban. No gender allowed. I need a vacation from gender please.

[verysmolbipolar]

Me: I’m not depressed! I’m doing okay! I’m baseline for once.

Also me: hasn’t showered in a week

[sunflower-cane]

You know I love how so many people are like “respect boundaries respect consent” until it’s time to respect people w OCD who can’t shake hands or be touched or when an autistic person tells their family member they can’t give hugs or when a chronically ill person tells you “no I can’t do this thing” and you think “maybe if I just make them do it anyway it’ll make them stronger” or when a mentally ill person or someone who has been abused is like “I don’t want to be around this person/thing it’s triggering” and you get people guilting them to “just get over it”

If you’re about consent and boundaries, good, you should be, but remember to keep that energy when moms of autistic kids are like “I still hug my child even tho it makes them have panic attacks” or when someone’s like “yeah they said they don’t want to be around this person cause it’s “triggering” but I’m their friend so they should do it for me” or when a disabled person says they can’t go up the stairs and you’re begging them to “try anyway”

Don’t lose that mindset, or that energy when it’s time to respect the boundaries or consent of mentally ill and disabled people.