lets cry buddy

I use this to let out feelings

[sadbadvibes]

I am sick of feeling unimportant and like myself. I wish I was a completely different person and could change everything about myself.

[sadbadvibes]

Wowie. I love that I push people away because of my mental health. Like, nobody will even try with me because of how I am. I hate myself so much.

[sadbadvibes]

Why am I not important to anyone. What am I doing wrong

[sadbadvibes]

I think if I died nobody would miss me. Maybe there isn’t a point in staying if nobody will realize your gone

[sadbadvibes]

life just.. sucks. There’s nothing good anymore. I have nobody I have no motivation.

[sadbadvibes]

I’m trying so hard to bury my mental illness so I make my parents happy. But all I do is make them angry and disappointed. I don’t think they’d miss me. I’m honestly just a burden.

[furiousgoldfish]

Common experiences with abusive mom:

hyper fixates on your appearance, constantly makes you incredibly self-aware of how you look and what others are thinking of you

compares you to other people, to show you what you should be more like (or look more like), making you feel like you’re the only worthless person

tries to control and micromanage your appearance, threatens you with missing out this and that if you don’t look up to her standards

uses you as emotional and psychological support

tells you how you are the only one who understands and loves her, forcing you to bear the burden of living as her “support system”

constantly makes you feel guilty for everything that is happening to her, makes you feel as if you owe her to make the world a bearable place for her

shares traumatic stories from her past that you are too young to understand and react to, expects unconditional emotional support and therapy from you even when you are a child

if the dad is abusive too, accuses you of being “just like him” or tells you that you remind her of him when she lashes out on you

also if father or another person is abusing you, she stands on their side or just pretends not to see or notice it’s going on, later tells you it’s your fault

silences your opinions with “you don’t know anything”

shows exaggerated concern for you for purpose of controlling where you go and what you do, makes you feel obliged to avoid certain places or situations so “she wouldn’t worry” but it extends to stuff you would usually be able to do safely, like hanging out with friends or traveling or having a social life

forces you to center her well being and her happiness more than your own and if you do anything for your own good, you will be called out for not thinking of her first

doesn’t feel responsible for providing you with decent meals or wardrobe, doesn’t notice when you’re hungry or lacking in basic resources, but lashes out at you if anyone else notices for “embarrassing her”

or alternatively, is crazy controlling over when you’re allowed to eat, what you’re allowed to eat, and what resources you are allowed to have

pushes you into interests and activities she wants you to have, disregards and criticizes everything you do that she doesn’t like

her behavior towards you changes in public, she becomes must more concerned over how other people perceive her relationship to you, is generally nicer if other people are listening

feigns concern towards you in front of others, in private keeps telling you how you’ll never make anything out of yourself

tries very hard to keep you at home forever if possible, refuses to teach you basic life skills, denies you resources you need to learn how to make something on your own, convinces you that you are in fact, helpless and incapable of survival without her, insists that you be dependent on her

breaks into your privacy, demands sensitive information about your relationships, conversations and thoughts, everything you do not feel comfortable about telling her because you know she’ll use it against you

accuses you of being a failure as a child, for being “heartless” and not caring about her at all, reminds you of everything she’s been thru only to raise you, talks as if she sacrificed herself for you

has periods where she doesn’t seem to even notice you, then in other times is completely obsessed with you and wont let you out of her sight

acts aggressive at times but always with pretense that her violence doesn’t count because she’s not physically able to seriously injure you, disregards all psychological and mental wounds of being assaulted and hurt by your own mother

acts like you’re an extension of her and have no existence or life of your own, refuses to accept any individuality and tries to prevent you from growing up and becoming your own person

makes you feel too guilty to say no to her, uses every social convention to make you feel as if you’re using and discarding your poor mother when all you want is to create a single boundary

refuses to acknowledge any of your successes but brings up your failures as a proof that nothing will ever become of you

insists over and over again that all she does is out of concern and love

[so1987-deactivated20230102]

PSA

telling your neurodivergent/mentally ill kid:

“you can’t do anything right without your meds”

“you’ll never amount to anything without your meds”

“i like you better on your meds”

“you’re stupid without your meds”

“you embarass me off your meds”

“you’re too embarassing to be seen in public without your meds"

“no one could ever want to be your friend without your meds”

“the meds must be working because you accomplished something”

“the meds are working because you’re quieter”

is EXACTLY THE SAME as telling them:

“you can’t do anything right”

“you’ll never amount to anything”

“i don’t like you”

“you’re stupid”

“i’m ashamed of you”

“you’re too embarrassing to be in public, i’m embarassed to be seen with you”

“no one could ever want to be your friend”

“you didn’t earn your accomplishments”

and “i wish you didn’t exist, so at least be quiet so i can pretend you don’t"

PASS IT ON

(this is not directed at anyone who chooses to take medication, this is about parents/siblings/ect. who talk to ppl this way)

[furiousgoldfish]

Abusive parents will make you feel like you are the single worst person on the planet. They make you feel like your every move is a mistake, your presence is a bother to everyone, and your needs are a burden. They make you feel like you’re the most undesirable, worthless, bothersome person who shouldn’t even exist. Most of the time they let you know very clearly that you’re only a shameful existence to the family and they want nothing to do with you.

So why then, do they expect you to follow their orders, or else? Why do they demand you to be present when it’s convenient for them, to give them your compassion and understanding and to work as hard as you can to make things easier on them? Why are they against you moving away and living on your own? Why are they not giving you freedom to go off and have your own life, instead of “burdening” theirs?

It’s because all of the things they make you feel are merely a manipulations to control you. They lead you on to think that if you listen, behave, obey, offer everything a person can offer to them, do whatever you’re told, and act a role they desire you to - that their opinion of you will change, you will deserve to be a part of the family, you will become accepted. It’s all a lie. They never planned to do anything but control you, and they will say any kind of disgusting lie to keep controlling you. You were never a burden, you were never a bad person, and your presence wasn’t a bother even to them, they needed you, required you to be present and obedient so they would have all they want.

If you were such a bother they would have made sure that you live free of them, they would never require you to do anything for them, they would never imply that you have some kind of obligations or debts to them, you don’t want bothersome people to owe you anything. They would want freedom from you, just as you want freedom from them, but it’s never what they want, is it? They want you to be trapped in thinking that by trying hard, by sacrificing your own value and importance and needs and wants, you could deserve to be included in the family. But this concept is fake, you cannot deserve family, you cannot work to be a part of something, you either are or you are not. If you are not automatically a part of the family, you can never be, it’s impossible no matter what kind of benefit you offer to abusive people, for them to actually provide you with something they never had in the first place, love and acceptance.

Abusive parents have nothing to offer to you but lies, and they’re despicable, hateful lies that keep haunting and hurting you years after they’ve been told. It’s not on you that they failed to see you for who you are, and that they failed to acknowledge they don’t deserve you as their child. You were too good for them from the start. Nothing they said about you ever held any truth in it.

[furiousgoldfish]

How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships:

you have to be obedient and submissive in your childhood if you don’t want to get beaten, you’re taught this is normal in life, so why should you doubt it when it happens in your relationship?

you’re supposed to care about everyone else more than yourself, you’re taught to provide comfort and be minimally or completely non-demanding of other family members, always put yourself last, and this is exactly what abusive partner will demand of you as well, how would you fight it if you’re taught this is just your place in life?

your appearance, interests, skills, achievements, and faults are constantly exposed to criticism, insults, humiliation and ridicule in abusive childhood, and you’re taught it’s normal, how are you supposed to fight it when it happens in a relationship?

you’re humiliated and ridiculed for seeking intimacy or try to express yourself in your childhood, how would you know it’s okay for you to desire understanding, consideration, reassurance and intimacy in your relationship?

if you’re used to being hit, humiliated, and having your objections to it ignored, or even worse, minimized and punished by even worse violence, how are you supposed to defend yourself when it happens in a sexual situation? how would you be able to know it’s wrong for another person to harm you if your parents have been doing it, and they supposedly love you?

if you’re taught to always be grateful that things aren’t worse, always compare yourself to someone who is tortured worse, how are you ever supposed to reach out and get help for being abused? how are you supposed to know when your situation is really, really bad? There’s always going to be someone somewhere in the world tortured worse, and this becomes a reason for you to suffer in silence.

Abusive parents are direct cause of abusive relationships, if your boundaries aren’t destroyed and your sense of what’s acceptable and to be tolerated in your close relationships skewed to allow abuse, you have much easier time rejecting abusive relationships later in life. 

[furiousgoldfish]

Abusive parents force you to hide things you would otherwise never have to worry about hiding, because you learn that they can flip out about anything, make a scene from anything, misunderstand one detail and go insane over it. So you don’t tell them about anything you can avoid, and you try to deal with things yourself as much as humanely possible, which takes the burden of taking care of you from them, and onto your shoulders.

This is dangerous as well because you don’t tell them about a friend who did something horrible to you, you don’t tell them about a sociopath who tried to groom or touch you, you don’t tell them about horrifying heartbreak you feel when someone abandons you, you don’t tell them when your world is falling apart because you know that at best, they’ll be uninterested, at worst, they will tell you it was your fault and you deserved it.

Living in secrecy becomes normal and when you develop trauma symptoms it once again feels like it’s your fault because you never said anything, you never told them how much they were hurting you, you didn’t speak up and open up about your problems. But how in the world would you? You know if you had, all that you would get is insults, blame, threats, guilt and shame thrown in your face, how could you possibly take that on top of having trauma symptoms? You can’t, it’s not worth risking. Suffering in silence becomes your only survival option, and you watch your heart break a little more every day that nobody cares that you’re breaking apart.

[infpisme]

[trauma-queens]

Abuse Victims- Can You Relate??

Being able to read a person’s microaggressions without even trying (He’s upset. I don’t know how I know he’s upset, but he is). I’m always right. 

Being able to hear a lie in someone’s voice without looking at them. 

Unconsciously being aware of every shift in the room, but still jumping a mile when someone comes up from behind. 

Forcing your body into autopilot when life just gets too hard to handle, but then realizing you’re dissociating and trying to bring yourself back. 

That stare that all your friends call your “resting bitch face.”

Nearly punching people in the face when they scare you. 

Being amazingly good at one thing because you had nothing else to do as a kid (for me, reading and writing). 

People calling you mature for your age. 

People being stunned at the fact that you know more life skills than a thirty year old. 

On the other hand, cringing when you don’t know how to do something everyone else knows how to do. 

Constantly feeling tired no matter how long you sleep. 

Telling a story about your childhood, and stopping halfway through when you realize everyone is horrified. 

Not understanding why people complain about taxes and insurance and money while you’re just happy you get to have plants in your room now. 

Having absolutely no control over your emotions, yet everyone thinks you’re so level headed and mature because you’re not physically capable of showing it. 

[furiousgoldfish]

living with abusive parents be like: *gets criticized for appearance* *gets called out for something everyone else does without punishment* *gets shamed for not knowing information you were never told* *gets punished for someone else’s bad mood* *why can’t you be more like xyz?* *you’re always like this* *gets left out of any positive family events* *gets chased away from dinner with insults* *gets criticized for spending too much time alone in your room* *gets shamed for not keeping up appearances* *gets blamed for stuff you had nothing to do with*

[butterflyinthewell]

Growing up with emotional abuse makes you want to avoid people when you feel bad instead of seeking someone out.

Because your abuser always told you you weren’t really upset.

Or that what you’re upset about is trivial.

Or that you’re overreacting again.

Or that your being upset is ruining everyone else’s mood.

Or that you’re being a baby.

Or that you need a thicker skin.

Or you’re told to go away until you can be a decent person again.

You believe your feelings don’t matter unless you express the “right” ones the “right” way at the “right” time, and you can never do it “right.”

You believe everybody has it worse, so there’s no point in talking about it when you feel bad.

It’s easier to isolate yourself when you’re sad, angry or hurt because it feels easier than “inflicting” yourself on somebody else.

Even when there are beautiful people in your life who say you can always come to them, you still don’t because you’re scared.

That is what sits at the center of who I am. It’s like an abscess that won’t pop or drain. And when it hurts, it hurts.

[parentless-suggestions]

my dad just lectured me on basically how I’m a failure if I don’t have the same mindset as him and strive for ehat he wants, and then puts my dreams down (for example, I wanna be a photographer. he said I’ll never be a great photographer if I dont think like him.) he then proceeded to raise his voice whenever I tried to defend myself and when I started crying, he blamed me for being upset.

[sadbadvibes]

All I’ve ever wanted in life is to be worth something to someone. To be someone’s priority. And I never will be. Because I’m too broken. I don’t know how to accept I’ll be forever by myself.