Hopeless

A place for my real self

[sadgirluk]

03.01.20 You are my everything,my reason for being so why can't I show you this side of me. Why can't I be 100% of me around you why am i so scared 💔 i want all the good and all the bad with you but I feel like once I let you in you'll run away.

[sadgirluk]

Please don't let go. Don't leave me over things I can't control over people I can't control. I'd leave this life behind for you. Pick a place in the world and we will go tomorrow. Without you I don't know what I'll do, who ill become. I just want to get lost with you

[sadgirluk]

I often describe my mum as a dragon, shes ruthless, protective and doesn't understand boundaries. I'm like her little princess locked away. She has the high hopes for me saying I deserve better. I know most mums hope their daughters will settle with someone perfect for their daughter but at the moment it's more like I'm living for her not myself. She wants me to date someone who works and drives and has a house no kids, no bad past. And yes some of these seem like decent things but these are everything im not. How can I want something that I can't offer myself.

[sadgirluk]

We went to see Harley Quinn's movie the birds of prey. It was everything! We had the cinimea to ourselves so we were both able to relax and watch the film.

[sadgirluk]

He actually makes me happy. For once I see a future. I want him to be my present and future I need him.

[sadgirluk]

Why do i have to get up. Why do i wake up when all i want is to sleep forever.

[sadgirluk]

I don't get why everyone keeps pestering me to eat. Food isn't going to magically fix things. Mum always says I can go days eithout food cause of how fat i am so why are they surprised when I only eat once a day. I use to binge on it. Till food was the only thing I could think about.

[sadgirluk]

I'm just so tired. Im tired of waking up, of seeing everything. I'm tired of fake smiling. I'm tired of being around.

[sadgirluk]

Do this, do that. Normally I don't mind doing everything. The washing the cloths the cooking the cleaning the watching of the kids. A tidy house is a happy house right? I live with 3 other adults so why am i the only one doing everything inside the house. I don't mind when it only effects me. But now it's effecting my relationship

[sadgirluk]

Second date is the movie cats! It's amazing I don't get why people dont like it. I almost cried at the end it was so good and the company was just as good.

[sadgirluk]

I like being wrapped in the warmth of you.

[sadgirluk]

Our first date and he took me to see this movie. I swear I spent most of the movie worrying that he wouldn't like me but then he held my hand i swear I had butterflies 🦋 we then went back to his for another movie and we talk. I was so tempted to kiss him then he kissed me. It was everything I could have asked for

[sadgirluk]

When i was in highschool, 11years ago roughly. I had a crush on someone. I was too scared to tell him,he was older and ran with the same crowd as my brother so I thought there was no hope. 11 years later and guess who I spot on a dating site. We've been specking for a while now and he's asked me on a date. Are things looking up for me?

[sadgirluk]

I just want to be happy i just want to make happiness if that's possible with someone.

I want to smile becuase im happy not sad.

[sadgirluk]

I don't wanna be like this, I want to eat normally. I want three meals a day without feeling like I'm going to lose control again.

[rererereree-deactivated20241031]

i break my own heart by expecting people to be as attached to me as i am to them

[sadgirluk]

My smile will hide it all.

They can't get too close they will see the scars

They will see the pain. They will know the hurt

This smile will be shown from dusk till dawn. But while no soul is moving near me i will let that smile fall, unmasking the truth of who I am.