Welcome to the corpse of me

If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror.

[houdadraws]

Masks 🎭

[sadthingsandgoodintentions]

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Other than the fact that I have ADHD, anxiety, etc. What's wrong with me? Why can I only have one good friend at a time? And why do I sabotage that friendship over stupid shit?

Today my friend said she could hang out with me around 1pm. She then messaged me and asked if I'd be upset if she went to the store to get new glasses at 3pm. Of course, I wouldn't mind that. But then it was 6pm, and I asked where she was. She said she was eating dinner, and would hangout soon. Another hour passes and I ask again, she says she's with her boyfriend but will kick him out soon. Now it's almost 8:30 and I asked, hey, are you still wanting to hang today? She says sure, but she wants to play games with our other friends first.

At this point I said, hey, I'm going to bed, have fun with everyone. Which, it's 8:30pm, obviously I'm not going to bed??? But I just feel so hurt. I have no right to be hurt, it's not like she's not allowed to hangout with other people but. Idk. It's not the feeling hurt part, it's the feeling like me saying I'm off to bed is punishing her somehow. That's not exactly my intention of course, I just want her to know I'm hurt. But instead of being a mature ass adult, I say I'm going to bed. And I have the urge to just ignore her and everyone else until our Vegas trip next week. But that's not fair.

I wonder why I'm so lonely, why I don't have any friends. This is why. And sometimes I wonder why I even try to keep going. What do I even have going for me? If I'm destined to be this lonely for the rest of my life then. Idk. What's the fucking point.

[carbsarescary]

i have control issues, mommy issues, adhd and im a perfectionist, it wasnt a question of IF i would develop an ED it was more of a WHEN would i develop it

[railthinangel]

In 2 weeks you'll feel it

In 4 weeks you'll see it

In 8 weeks you'll hear it

[soria-moriee-deactivated2022082]

my safe foods and their calories +benefits ･ﾟ.*✧･.

♡ ginger kombucha (50 calories per 470ml)

great for bloating and rebalancing your gut microbiome

is quite sweet and tones down my sugar craving without being full of chemicals

♡ grapefruit (42 calories per 100g)

so filling due to large size

dense with vitamin c

♡ miso soup (35 calories per package)

feels like having a proper meal

you can add as much water as you want as long as you dont mind a diluted taste

♡ peaches (40 calories per 100g)

literally delicious

filled with natural sugars

tastes like a desert

♡ spicy pickles (5 calories per 2 spears)

satisfies my salt craving without having very many calories at all

[ddnnziie]

i dont think i have an eating disorder. i just struggle with eating and crave to be skinny all the time

[sadthingsandgoodintentions]

I'm at my highest weight right now and I hate it. I'm trying not to fall back into ED behavior but I literally hate myself so much I can't bare to fucking eat

[conscious-love]

haileypaigemagee ~ Instagram

[pack-of-rats-archive]

Least favorite things about CPTSD/ having childhood abuse trauma:

- Codependency.

- Everything that happens is my fault.

- If someone expresses a negative emotion in my vicinity I should be afraid of them.

- Raised voices? Swearing? Guess I'll die.

- Codependency.

- If I make even the smallest mistake it means I deserve to get hurt.

- I'm inherently bad.

- I'm automatically guilty even if the situation has nothing to do with me.

- Codependency.

- If I'm not perfect 100% of the time then I'm the scum of the earth.

- I'm responsible for other people's emotions.

- I only deserve good things if other people are happy with me 100% of the time.

- Codependency.

[sadthingsandgoodintentions]

Sadness? Comfortable. A sad spirit who hangs over me.

Anger? Awful. A hot mist that seeps into my skin.

And I'm angry. All the time I'm angry. I'm angry at my family, I'm more angry at myself, and I just don't know how to fucking deal with it anymore.

Anger feels impossible to mask, it feels impossible to hide. It boils over and says all of the horrible shit I think about. I'm just. So angry. And so tired of being angry. And so tired of anger affecting my life and my relationships. I don't want to be angry anymore. But I don't know how to stop it.

[sadthingsandgoodintentions]

I'll skip dinner two nights in a row and wake up thinking this is thin 🤦‍♀️ God help me

[anxietyproblem]

[sadthingsandgoodintentions]

Depression be like

Am I manic or am I just so used to feeling numb/unhappy that a moment of happiness feels like psychosis?

[sadthingsandgoodintentions]

Makes me feel good.

[sadthingsandgoodintentions]

So I NEVER wear form fitting clothing.

Today I asked my roommate, "okay, be honest, do I look fat in my workout clothes?" And I took off my hoodie to reveal my workout outfit.

He just stares and finally says, "Girl. You look, really skinny. Have you been eating?" Lmao I can't tell you the pure joy that I felt in that moment.

I haven't been referred to as "skinny" in years.

[houdadraws]

Masks 🎭

[sadthingsandgoodintentions]

The beast

I forget how bad the bad times can be. I go months feeling on top of the world, thinking my demons have magically disappeared. And then the beast reels it's ugly head. It sinks its claws into my skin and whispers in my ear:

"Your friend hasn't been talking to you. You know that means she doesn't care about you anymore, right?"

"Remember how he liked you and then moved on to her? I don't understand why you ever thought you were pretty. You're just an easy lay."

"You're a failure in your career, and everyone is just waiting to see you fall on your face."

"Have you met you? Why would anyone care about you? Why would anyone want to have you around?"

I try to tell it to shut up. I try to plug my ears and block the sound. But it doesn't listen. It doesn't care. It keeps on with it's whispers, dragging me deeper into it's tar. I know I've escaped so many times before.

But the older I get, the more I fear that the beast will drag me all the way down. That I'll suffocate.

And as I take my last breathe the beast will whisper: "It's okay, no one will miss you anyway."