It's been quite a while since I've posted anything here, at first it was because it was exam season and I was in a hurry, then because it was summer break, then because a lot happened and, against all of my prayers, I had to say goodbye to my mum.
Life has been tough. It has been tough for a long time, but my mum was my biggest advocate against the darkness of mental health issues, even if she didn't know much about it. She cared for me, held me, guided me and wanted me to be happy and healthy. Even though this life has been so cruel to her, she saw beauty and sweetness in it, and never, ever, complained. My mother was captivating in every sense, and it's because of her that I'll try to get back on my feet and live this life, be happy and healthy for the both of us, until it's finally time we meet again. This is the most difficult and longest path I've ever had to walk through, and this time I have her with me only in my heart, but if I have only a little bit of the strength she had in me, I will cross it eventually.
My therapist told me that when going through the desert, most people think they should fill their bags with every single thing they might possibly need to survive it. However, instead of helping them go through and survive the desert, the heavy bag will weigh them down and make them tired and unable to cross it. That's why we should only take what is ultimately necessary with us. She also told me that the desert also offers it's oasis once in a while, and that ignoring them doesn't make our journey more authentic. We should enjoy the oasis when they appear and while they last, because soon we'll have to start walking again.
Following her advice, I have been trying to lessen the weight on my back and to enjoy life when I'm given the chance to do so. I chose easier subjects to study this semester at uni instead of dropping out, engaged in hobbies like oil paiting and reading again (finished reading The Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway and started reading The Brothers Karamázov by Dostoyevski from the beginning again) , try to hang out with friends when I can, got a kitten (her name is Elizabeth 3rd, Ellie for short) and she has been my biggest joy and reason to get out of bed every day.
I still miss my mum. Every single moment of every single day. But I know she wanted me to live and, in her own words to me "build a beautiful life for myself". I'll honour, not only her wishes, but her whole existence. She was a blessing to this world, one that not everybody got to see, but now she is a blessing to another world, one that one day I hope to be a part of. Until then, I'll keep standing.
This will still be a studyblr, but also, and probably predominantly, a lifeblr. Somewhere to document and motivate myself while going through this rocky path and life. Maybe it'll help.
