replaying Julian's route while going through a depressive episode hits differently. Of course he overthinks a lot and catastrophizes, when he was just a child out of nowhere he lost everything but his sister on a shipwreck. Of course he's always anxious, he feels like horrible things out of his control may happen to his loved ones. Of course he's self destructive, he thinks that when he can't prevent bad things happening to his loved ones, it's because he isn't enough, he is incompetent and it's all his fault. Of course he feels so guilty all the time, because the alternative means embracing that there are horrible, terrible things he can't do anything about, because they are outside his control. And he's grasping at what he can control, to feel safe again. He's never felt safe since his world turned upside down, it seems. And of course he is dramatic, if he can't turn it into a dramatic story, then it stops being a spectacle (and an act has a script, doesn't it? It's predictable, it feels safe) and starts being a string of events he can't make the sense out of it happening to him. His suffering has a meaning, doesn't it? It has to. Otherwise he can't comprehend it, and Julian spirals into anxious territory over what he can't comprehend. Of course. Of course the guilt eats us alive when we are convinced it's our responsibility to improve our lives but we can't do everything on our own anymore. Of course. Of course it didn't occur to him asking for help. He feels ashamed when it feels like life is telling him he isn't enough. It's what hurts the most. That he isn't enough and that he can't do anything about it. Reaching for help sometimes felt like face slamming into this wall of shame. The idea "I should at least be able to do this much before complaining". Then never giving ourselves grace to say, "ok, I'm being too hard on myself, I don't need to impose all these trials on myself before I trust I won't disappoint my loved one". Until we are both run ragged by our inner critic and a loved one comes along, stares at us and is like "why did you do this to yourself?" And we feel. So silly. Yeah