I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

Seriously. Not a clue.

[samburgler]

Me: Randall won't be able to make it to the party. He has to work.

Chris: Tell him to "make that paper"

My mom: Oh! I didn't know he works at a paper mill.

What?? No.

[samburgler]

Stressed

The difference between being not fat and fat (in my experience): *Not Fat* Me: I've been so stressed out that I've lost 8lbs this week My mom: Holy shit! Do you need help? That's not good!! *Fat* Me: I've been so stressed out that I've lost 8lbs this week My mom: That's a great thing!!!! Congratulations

[samburgler]

I'm going to need a lawyer

So, my boss was playing with a pair of those Chinese stress balls while talking at my cube. They looked cool, so he handed them to me, I inspected them, and gave them back. He continued to play with them, but stopped, looked at them, and wiped them on his shirt. I then said: "Oh, sorry. Did I get lotion on your balls?" Jesus. Christ. I'm going to get sued for sexual harassment one of these days.

[samburgler]

Well, it's happened. I've hit rock bottom. I'm exhausted. I'm sleep deprived. I'm at my wits end. I packed my lunch this morning and put my spaghetti in a plastic bag. A fucking plastic bag. No bowl. No plate. If you need me I'll be eating it out of my coffee cup with chopsticks. Because I'm a mess of a human being.

[samburgler]

[samburgler]

My sex life summed up in one gif

[samburgler]

"Get that fucking salad out of my face, Jessica"

[samburgler]

Me: Are you talking to your cupcake?

Husband: No, I'm singing to it.

[samburgler]

Him: talk dirty to me Me: take me to flavor town, Guy Fieri Him: what? Me: what?

[samburgler]

[samburgler]

[samburgler]

[samburgler]

My spirit animal

[ashleighcoyle4]

[samburgler]

[dreamjerky]

[samburgler]

If fairies had butt plugs, I imagine they'd look similar to this.

[sugabitch]

Im so pissed. Like I know BB is rigged but this veto is just ridiculous. Corey isn’t even looking around for anything hes just going right for the stuff. like maybe Grodner should pick someone better than this pea brain.

[0-lies]

[samburgler]

Me: starting today, I'm going on a diet!

Also me: I'd like the rack of ribs, tri-tip, and loaded baked potato. Oh, and a salad...ranch on the side.