Sam

38. Existing. Divorced.

[sammyisfat]

[sammyisfat]

[captawesomesauce]

Thoughts at 7pm...

I love that when I start a new book, I've been taking a photo of where I am when I read it.

[captawesomesauce]

Missed these two before

[captawesomesauce]

new one!

[captawesomesauce]

Didn't get a chance to snap one for My Detachment by Kidder, but here's the one I'm currently reading

[captawesomesauce]

New book time! Prodigals by Taylor

[charl0ttan]

adhd and weed will both have you like fuck i had to go look up a picture of a giant manta ray

[cutedatesuggestions]

cute date idea: we go in the forest at night, we have hot cocoa in a thermos, we blast music while looking at stars, become the 80’s teen movie protagonists we were meant to be. we can talk about theories and aliens, and most importantly run away if neighbors find us 

[sammyisfat]

[emziess]

François Arnaud Gets Ready for the Saint Laurent Show with Vanity Fair

[akajustmerry]

friend sent me an Instagram reel yesterday with 1000s of likes that was basically like "pride and prejudice is timeless actually because it's about an autism4autism romance 🥰" and then the creator proceeded to cite moments in the book and film where Lizzie and Darcy are "socially awkward" and....listen. I'm far from an Austen scholar, but I have taught Austen novels as an educator and this kind of psycho-pop analysis that views characters as individuals with autonomy over their actions, rather than tools in a story written at a particular time to say something about that time, pisses me off more than I can say without sounding like an asshole. I'm sorry but Darcy isn't rude and awkward and even cruel to Lizzie because he has autism, he says and does those things because he's a wealthy upper class land owning man raised to see a middle class woman from a large family with no male heirs like Elizabeth as inherently beneath him which he expresses to her multiple times because it is socially acceptable for him to do so in a society where someone like him is privileged above almost all others. He is "socially awkward" around her because of misogyny and classism (PREJUDICE) and she is "socially awkward" around him because a woman of her standing at that time simply wouldn't have had much to do with the gentry but to actually push back against the shit that Darcy says would be social suicide for her whole family so she protests the only way she can which is refusing his advances (PRIDE). not to be the "context collapse is the death of media literacy" guy. But this is the problem with the kind of head empty, let people enjoy things, if I can't relate to it what's the point type crowd. Youse think you're being so quirky justifying incoherent and anachronistic interpretations with your rampant individualism, ensuring that other people never confront anything that challenges them in these stories like patriarchal misogyny and classism. Pride and Prejudice becomes an "autism4autism romance", completely undermining the historical context of its status as one of the great social satires about the class and gender politics that Austen so expertly observed around her. This attitude is why we have nonsensical historical dramas that actively hate history like fucking edgy bdsm "Wuthering Heights", Bridgerton, The Buccaneers, and even a 2025 Frankenstein movie where the monster is just misunderstood and does no wrong uwu etc. because individual relatability and catharsis is king over anything actually saying anything about anything now. Everything is relatable and nothing is meaningful.

[sammyisfat]

I love spiralling from financial stress.

[sammyisfat]

I’ve been feeling really out of sorts this year so far. I have lots of things I am looking forward to, but January felt so long. It left me feeling anxious and I stated this month off with too much spending leaving me in a vulnerable position. And it’s making my anxiety worse.

I don’t really know what to do with myself. I’m feeling very low about myself lately. Not looks wise just situations I am in. I don’t know. I’m having a hard time, and just can’t wait for the end of Feb to get here.

[sammyisfat]

I kinda feel like I’m having a mini breakdown. I just am struggling lately.

[sammyisfat]

I’ve been having a hard year. Losing everything I own in the fire. I know they’re just things but losing my entire book collection I have been building for decades and then this month losing Keith has been a huge blow.

Both of those things are my comfort and I’ve lost them both and I just feel lost. And I don’t know how to feel better anymore.

[sammyisfat]

Since losing my stuff in the fire, having my entire routine disrupted, I’ve just been so depressed. All I’ve been doing is sleeping.

[sammyisfat]

I’m so burned out. Healing is exhausting, being put into menopause is exhausting. My dad dying is exhausting. And I can’t afford any escape.

I have two friends where I currently live, and I don’t want to leave because my dads so sick and it’s too much for my mom to do alone. So I have severe separation anxiety this last few months.

And having $700 to pay rent, bills, food, and my medication that isn’t covered. Doesn’t allow much for joyful purchases, or escapism.

Seeing my sister and our friends going camping, and having fun. And my best friend is going to visit our mutual best friend. And train tickets aren’t cheap, so I couldn’t afford to go be with them.

It’s lonely seeing all the people I love go out and go for drinks, camping, and all those things I used to do sucks. It’s hard. And my siblings aren’t even around, so I’m the only kid my parents can rely on.

And I am sick mentally and physically, so it’s even more draining. And they don’t realize how lucky they are to experience these emotions of losing our dad far away, and not living in the house.

Living through the grief of my dad finally accepting were at the end, and just wanting to give up. Asking us to let him just die. I hate all of this.

[myalgicencephalomyelitiscfstom]

[oatscarwilde-deactivated2024022]

i’ve been saying it for years:

government considers you able to work if you can give anything more than 0%

employers consider you unhireable if you give anything less than 100%

[sammyisfat]

I made a lot of jokes about how my ex cheated on me to my friends, all his dating profiles with fake names, and how he used the fact I was going through some very real medical issues and trauma which caused us not to be as intimate as we were as an excuse to cheat on me instead of just ending things.

And when I remember how he made a post on a dating board about how I was denying him this and that, and I was out of town for at least a week and he was looking for fun, no strings attached in our bed. Like, that’s malicious and fucked up.

And the fact he gaslit me into believing it wasn’t real and everything else, makes it hard to heal. Because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself because of all the things I didn’t see, believe, and was lied to about.

No matter how unhappy I was, I never sought out comfort from a stranger or others by cheating. And I made sure he knew it was medical issues and trauma, not that I wasn’t attracted to him or didn’t want to be with him that way.

But we were so disconnected I couldn’t. It really damaged me when he cheated, and treating me the way he was. Because I don’t know how to trust my gut instinct anymore. It’s not about others, irs about me going through what I did and believing he was an entirely different person than he was.

[sammyisfat]

My dad had 3 surgeries on his kidneys, one died, one is functioning at 10% and he had a massive heart attack. All in the last 2 weeks, we are prepping him palliative care. Just keeping him comfortable.

So as mindless thing I started watching Vanderpump Rules, and I didn’t want to pay for the Hayu subscription. So in Feb I watched season 3-10. And seeing Katie, who is not a perfect victim, who suffered from PTSD and TBI from falling through a skylight and be in a relationship with someone like my ex has been very triggering for me.

But seeing Katie’s growth has really inspired me. As someone with ptsd, bpd, clinical depression, adhd, and chronic pain. And being in an abusive relationship with someone who saw me at my lowest and took advantage but couldn’t handle when I decided to start healing myself and putting me first and coming out my fog from a manic bpd episode caused by trauma from my hysterectomy.

My ex cheated, he lied, he gaslit me, he was awful to me but he was the Schwartz type. So good at making you think oh, he’s just a poor awkward puppy. But he had a dark side, the things he would say in heat of moments or even out of no where was insane to me and genuinely scared me. And I had never been in a relationship with someone like that. It was terrifying in hind sight. Seeing someone say they love me to treating me how Schwartz would Katie and then yell she deserved it because she was being tequila Katie.

When I watch Katie, I see with the right support system, with patience, and self love. I can heal from those things, I can move forward. I will find joy again, I will be able to accept the mistakes I’ve made and grow from them. Even if others want to throw my mistakes in my face.

I’ve been taking DBT so seriously, and I’m 8 weeks in. And I’m seeing the benefits and fruits of my labour by trying. And I know it’s just a show. But as a women who has gone through what I have, it’s nice to see her come out on top.