sometimes i think about how there has always been this dream version of me in my head who knows how to play the piano and can sing in key and charts stars by herself (and w her loved ones too) and reads so many books and studies diligently every day and is top of every academic pursuit and has all these skill-based creative outlets she nourishes constantly and does not have to compromise any of them for the other bc she knows how to budget her time and is not afraid of failure and does not let petty distractions like phone time get in her way. and i'm like oh. i want that really bad. like that truly eclipses everything else in my life
and sometimes i'm derailed by the small things like a fallout w friends or an unkind thing someone may have said to me or social media fomo or instant gratification. but then i remember how my soul aches so badly for knowledge and art that i'm like. it's not worth it to give these momentary things so much weight. i don't want to look back on my deathbed and mourn a girl i never became. and whenever i have a bad day or i'm off track i will look back at this post and remind myself of what truly matters. which is literally this but my brain likes to trick me every time
