I recently realized that I may be an oriented aroace(pan oriented aroace).
My life has been very messy, as I was not well educated about sexuality and gender, and I had unexplainable feelings for many people.
me in the past when I might have felt an aesthetic attraction: from "What the-" to "I see, this must be a crush!" to.
Past me, who may have felt alterous attraction: "is this a - true - crush? Wait, then what was that?"
Past me who may have experienced squish: "This is crush!? Again!? No, no, this is really a mistake. Because we're just friends..."
(Yes, I internalized fucking heteronormativity and fucking amatonormativity🤢)
I learned superficially about aroace: "What were those things? I sometimes wonder, and sometimes I can relate to the experiences of aroaces, but if I called myself an aroace, I would definitely get complaints from all kinds of people"
Me, who finally began to recognize the diversity of aroaces and learned about tertiary attractions: "Oh, so attractions don't have to be only romantic or sexual attractions?! I don't think that those things in my past fall into those two categories! Then maybe I can recognize that I am an aroace! tertiary attraction finally gave me a name for what I was feeling🥲︎"
Me on another day: "there is no way I can call myself an aroace. Because in the past I was... That behavior...were full of alloalloeness..."
(But when I found the label for oriented aroace and the description of the tertiary attractions, all I know for sure is that I felt at peace. I wanted to exclaim, "I finally found this place!"... is all I can say now)
...Even now, I often wonder if I am crazy, or if my existence is disloyal to the LGBTQ+ community and other aspec people.
Do you ever feel that way? When you do, how do you get out of it?
I apologize for the length of the sentence, and I am not very good at English, so I apologize if my writing is not correct🙏
don't you worry about your English, I understood every word! and English is not my first language either, you're fine 😉
I'd like to start with saying your experiences are entirely valid and that many LGBTQ+ people have been where you are or are still at the same point.
Of course, there are LGBTQ+ people who knew really early that they were not cishet, but many others doubted/are doubting that they were/are really trans, gay, lesbian or bi; aspec as well. feeling like they're mistaken. or can't admit to themselves they're not cishet. you're far from the only one and I can assure you that your experiences are in no way disloyal to any members of the LGBTQ+ community.
As for my own experiences, I can tell you I have dealt with some of what you're feeling.
I am not confused anymore about my attraction, but I have been for the longest time.
it took me many years after I learned about asexuality to admit I was indeed ace and not a late bloomer. while I knew, as soon as I discovered the label, that I was in fact ace, I refused to admit I wasn't "normal". I wanted to be like everyone else.
I still read a lot about acespec people talking about their experiences even though I was in denial, because, deep down I knew I was ace as I said.
I didn't learn about aromanticism at the same time, I discovered it existed many months later, at least.
and I didn't believe that was me. even if I had yet to experience romantic attraction, I wanted to have a girlfriend, so that couldn't be me.
like you, I've dealt with internalized aphobia. I still struggle with it sometimes, but less and less so as time passes and I accept myself more and more.
and like you, I finally started to accept my aromanticism when I learned about oriented aroace and tertiary attraction.
I understood I could still find women attractive in different ways. my feelings were making sense. and others related. it was a relief.
I would also add that even if you believe your past behavior was alloromantic and/or allosexual, it doesn't mean you are not aroace. your struggles with internalized aphobia may have been the reason for this perception, or maybe you've just grown and changed, it can happen.
Finally, I would advise reading about other aroace experiences, especially oriented aroace ones, since it's the label that feels right to you. I think it can definitely help you realize that many people have indeed been or are still questioning and doubting, that you're not alone and that you're feelings are valid. it has helped me a lot.
I would also like to thank you for sharing your experiences, I think it will definitely help others that are looking to understand themselves and have similar feelings to yours.
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