vena 🌕

[fishyandclintbarton]

Some life advice from someone in their 40′s

After living for 4 decades, i feel like i need to impart some of the ‘wisdom’ that i’ve picked up and learnt along the way. And I learnt a lot of this shit the hard way.

Take care of your teeth. No really. The dentist is expensive as fuck so take really good care of your teeth. Brush at least twice a day, preferably 3. Floss. If you can afford to see your dentist for a routine check up every 6 months, and the hygienist at least twice a year, or every 3 months if you have the money.

Wear sunscreen on your face and neck every damn day, regardless of where you’re going. Even if you’re spending the day on the sofa with Netflix. SPF50+ ideally, but definitely nothing under SPF30. Sun damage is no joke son.

Trust your gut instinct. Be it about people, about situations, trust your gut. If i’ve learnt anything, it’s that my initial instinct/reaction about something or someone is always 99.9999% correct. Don’t ignore it. If your 6th sense is screaming red flags at you, back the fuck away. 

ALWAYS pee after any kind of sexual contact. All genders, i cannot stress this enough.

Wear protection. Be it booty calls, casual hookups or the beginning of a relationship, wear a condom. STD’s are no joke. And n that note….

Get tested regularly. New relationship? Get tested. Having casual hookups? Get tested on the regular. Stay safe out there.

Money is a blessing and a curse. Save what you can, when you can, even if it’s only a fiver. Just having maybe £50 tucked away somewhere will make you feel better. The older i get, the more i hate money. When i was younger, i wanted to be rich and have lots of expensive things. Now i just want to be financially stable and have enough to live off when i retire. Now when i think about winning the Euromillions, i’m thinking about how many people i could help with £110million, not how many cars i could buy. 

Asking for help isn’t weak. The amount of times i’ve needed help, be it financially and emotionally, and not reached out due to shame is…..embarrassing. Asking for a hand is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Friendships don’t always last forever. Things end, it’s a fact of life. Its sad, and sometimes will end badly, but it’s going to happen. Mourn it, make peace, move on.

Be honest. Honesty will help you avoid so much stress and worry. Little white lies can and will spiral into something bigger. Just be open and honest whenever you can.

Be kind. Goes without saying really. Life is harsh, people are going through shit. But also, be kind to yourself, not just other people. You’re gonna go through some shit, so be nice to yourself.

Joint bank accounts should only be for house and bill stuff. I cannot stress this enough. If you’re going to have a joint bank account with a partner, then make sure that it’s only for house and life stuff like bills. Never, ever have just a joint bank account and nothing of your own. I don’t care if you think it’s going to last forever, always have your own, separate account with money in it.

Never stay because you don’t think you can do better. And that applies to friendships and jobs as well as intimate relationships. Don’t settle. If you’re even having those kind of thoughts, it means that you’re already having doubts about it. You can do better, you just need the courage to start looking for it.

You will shit yourself at some point in your life. It happens. Its awful and embarrassing, but it happens. Don’t try to save the clothes, throw them out. Even if you get the stain out, the memory will always be there, so just throw it out. The embarrassment will fade eventually. 

Watch your posture. Seriously, having a good posture is going to save you so many health issues in the future. Get a better desk chair, do some stretches every day. 

Enjoy the little things. Honestly? It really is the little things that make life better.

Pet as many dogs as you can. 

You will never have the correct ratio of tupperware lids to containers. I don’t know where they go or what happens, but the only time you’ll ever have the right amount is when you buy them and before you unwrap them.

That’s it for now, but it’s only 8am and i’ve only had 3 cups of tea. There’ll be more later.

[missmentelle]

How to Live With Roommates Without Losing Your Sanity

1. Focus on hunting for roommates, not apartments. Your roommates are going to be some of the most important relationships in your entire life. These people will know all your weird quirks and secrets. They’ll know that you like to put ketchup on your ice cream, they’ll know exactly how often you bring home cute strangers from the bar, and they will know exactly what it sounds like when you do your best Rihanna impression in the shower. Having roommates is the closest you can come to being married without having to shop for a ring, but most of us spend less time choosing potential roommates than we do choosing one-night-stands on Tinder. When we shop for apartments, we mostly focus on the features of the apartments themselves, and not the other people who live in them. This is a huge mistake. Whether or not you have an extra 30 square feet of floor space or an automatic dishwasher is not going to have nearly the same impact on your quality of life as whether or not your roommate displays human compassion and pays their bills on time. Focus on the roommates. 

2. Don’t assume that a good friend will make a good roommate. When you’re looking for a roommate, it’s really tempting to turn to a random buddy of yours and decide that the two of you should live together, because you both share a deep love of getting high and watching Great British Bake Off. Don’t do this. Or at the very least, think long and hard about whether you and your friend are actually compatible roommates - some of the worst roommate horror stories happen when you move in with a dear friend, only to realize that they are a slovenly human being who grates on your nerves. Friend-roommates are much more likely to feel comfortable using your things without asking or being late on their bills, and it’s harder to tell your friend to get their shit together than it is to say the same thing to a roommate you don’t know as well. Tread carefully.  3. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not when you’re looking for roommates. My university has a database of graduate students looking for roommates, and every single one of the 600+ people listed on it has indicated that they are “neat” or “very neat”. I can guarantee that that’s complete bullshit. There’s not a chance that there are zero messy people in a group of 600+ academics in their early 20s, and you can’t hide that part of yourself forever. When you’re looking for roommates, it can be really tempting to say what you think people want to hear - that you make absolutely zero noise, that you never come home drunk, and that you spend all your free time scrubbing. Put your best foot forward, but be realistic - it’s okay to say “I keep common areas clean, but my own bedroom is usually a little cluttered”. Be honest. 4. Make a chore chart. This seems like an incredibly juvenile thing to do, but it can really help keep things running smoothly. Decide as a group how often you think certain chores need to be done, and how you’re going to get them done. If one of you would prefer to always clean the bathroom and the other to always do the floors, great. If you’d prefer to rotate all the chores, great. Just find an arrangement that feels fair, and keeps the apartment at a level of cleanliness you can all live with. Without a chart, it often falls to one person to keep the apartment from turning into a toxic waste dump, and that can lead to a lot of resentment. Make a schedule, and stick to it.  5. Decide how you are going to split shared costs. Unless you plan on hoarding your own toilet paper in your bedroom, you and your roommates are going to be sharing a lot of things - dish soap, cleaning products, paper towels, even silly things like salt and pepper. How are you going to pay for those costs in a way that’s fair? Is it okay for one roommate to go out and buy things on their own and then ask for reimbursement? Do they have to ask first? Some households keep a jar that everyone puts money into weekly, and the money all goes to shared costs - that’s a fair solution that can work well for everyone.  6. Discuss important needs and rules right at the start of the arrangement. It’s much better to get all the really fundamental things out in the open on Day One - it’s more comfortable for everyone if you can avoid issues, rather than apologize for them later. I have a severe shellfish allergy; I had to make it clear to my roommates from the start that they had to use extreme caution if they brought shellfish into the apartment. It was better to discuss that in advance than have them find out by putting me in the hospital. One of my roommates is a very light sleeper, and needs the rest of us not to bang pots and pans around in the kitchen after a certain hour - the rest of us respect that so she can wake up on time for work. Lay out your needs right from the start, instead of allowing annoyances to fester into an argument. 

7. Learn to pick your battles. Occasionally, you are going to want to murder at least one of your roommates. That’s just what happens when you live in close quarters with other human beings. Maybe they eat your leftovers, or leave hair in the shower, or track mud across the floors you just cleaned. It’s tempting to seek out swift retribution and justice every time your roommate wrongs you, but constantly picking at your roommate for small annoyances is going to make your household tense and hostile fairly quickly. When your roommate leaves wet towels on the floor, take a deep breath, and ask yourself whether it’s really easier to angrily confront your roommate, or just pick the towels up yourself. Obviously if there’s an ongoing pattern, things should be addressed, but everyone has occasional bad days and forgetful moments. Try to cut them some slack. 

8. Set rules for overnight guests. Everyone has a horror story about a roommate whose significant other just casually moved in and started taking over the household without washing a single dish or contributing a cent. Decide in advance what the rules are for overnight guests. How often can you have them? How long can someone stay before they have to start pitching in? How far in advance do you have to notify your roommates that someone is coming? My best friend used to live with a roommate who frequently gave out copies of their keys to people she’d dated for less than two weeks, which is a fantastic way to make yourself the victim of a home invasion. What are the rules on making keys for someone? The clearer these expectations are, the less likely you are to be surprised by an unwanted extra roommate.  9. Don’t confront a roommate about a problem when you’re worked up. If you need to talk to your roommate about a problem you’re having with them, don’t do it when you’re angry enough to shove them off the fire escape. Give yourself time to calm down - go for a walk, be alone in your room for a while, get out with some friends, sleep on the problem overnight. Wait until you and your roommate are both feeling calm and have free time for a heart-to-heart discussion. You’re much more likely to have a difficult (but useful) conversation that ends in some kind of compromise, rather than an all-out brawl that ends in broken dishes.  10. Hang out with your roommates from time to time. Find things you can do together. Watch a TV show together. Go out to a bar now and then, if that’s your thing. Cook a meal and sit down for dinner as a group. It’s a lot easier to deal with another person’s quirks if you actually like them as a person. Take some time out from your busy week to bond and build a positive relationship. Ask your roommates about their lives, and keep up with what’s going on with them. Your roommates are like a second family, and you’re more likely to have a happy household when you take the time to show each other that you care. 

[theemotionmachine]

[hereliesmybrokenheart]

“Just because you haven’t found happiness yet, it doesn’t mean you aren’t meant to be happy.”

— Be patient.

[eintsein]

Energy Management

A human-based organization method

click on images for better resolution; images also available here (link to google drive)

Other posts that may be of interest:

Getting stuff done: How to deal with a lack of motivation

Flexible time-blocking: A more breathable way to get things done

The ABCDE Method

[thebrightpreciousthings]

Since no one is calling the rape scene in episode six of Bridgerton what it is - rape - I have a few things to say. 

Simon very clearly tells Daphne to “wait” but she continues. That makes it rape, point blank. Consent can be revoked at any time during the act and if the other person continues, it is rape. It does not matter the genders of the participants, if you have had sexual relations before, or if you are married to your rapist. IF SOMEONE SAYS STOP AND YOU KEEP GOING, YOU ARE RAPING THEM. There is no “gray area” here. She knew what she was doing. 

I keep seeing people trying to justify Daphne’s actions and it is disgusting and inexcusable. Yes, Simon was wrong for lying to her about his ability to father children, but THAT DOES NOT MAKE WHAT SHE DID ANY LESS HORRIFYING. Yes, Simon was wrong but that doesn’t mean he deserved to be raped. The show never has Daphne even apologize for raping him.  Absolutely gross. And I’m supposed to root for them as a couple after this? Fuck that. 

(Also, Daphne’s complete lack of knowledge about how babies are made is historically inaccurate. Regency era young women did by-and-large know where babies came from. But I’m digressing from the point. Regardless, lack of awareness is not an excuse for committing rape.) 

Then, I keep seeing people say that the rape was not a rape because “Simon could’ve fought her off if he really wanted to” or “he consented to sex before and seemed into it in the beginning.” NONE OF THIS CHANGES THE FACT THAT IT IS RAPE. Some people are frozen in situations of trauma. They panic. And you can see in his eyes after the rape that he is upset and shocked. Would you ever ask a woman who says she was raped why she didn’t fight her attacker harder, or tell her she must’ve been enjoying it because she didn’t fight him off? 

Also, I repeat, CONSENT CAN BE WITHDRAWN AT ANY TIME DURING THE ACT. He tells her to “wait.” She doesn’t listen. It is rape. If the roles were reversed, and a woman told a man to “wait” during sex and he didn’t, would you still have the same response? Simon has the right to determine whether he reproduces or not. The show could’ve had the two of them discuss their opinions on children and Daphne help Simon put his trauma behind him through communication and support. Or - considering the pull-out method is not the most effective - perhaps she could have thought she was pregnant and this could have started a dialogue, with the end result being Simon decided he wanted children after all. This did not need to happen. 

There is also the added element that Daphne is white and Simon is Black, which makes her rape of him even more atrocious than it already was. Why should a Black man have to forgive his white wife for raping him? She is not entitled to his body. Fuck that. 

And then we have showrunner Chris Van Dusen JUSTIFYING the rape by saying it was “part of Daphne’s journey.” I am disgusted. Every one who took part in writing this scene should be ashamed of themselves. 

Reminder that men can be raped. Women can be rapists. Men have the same right to say ‘no’. Everyone needs to listen to and respect their sexual partner. Daphne and Simon’s relationship is not “swoon-worthy” or “romantic.” It is toxic. There is no “gray area” here. 

[sc0rpi0-bxtch]

I was so uncomfortable with that scene and thought so much about it. I knew it was rape but I felt like I was wrong because it was never brought up on the show, so thank you for this op. I hope the writers do something about that. We need accountability even if it's just for fictional characters.

[chris-evans]

SIMON BASSET in Bridgerton (2020-)

Bonus:

[sc0rpi0-bxtch]

what's funny is i never noticed that there was nothing on his spoon

[rivermayne]

[sc0rpi0-bxtch]

It’s so stressful trying to look for jobs when you feel like you’re not qualified in every job post you see that is connected to your job. So frustrating.

[catasters]

[racialized]

another thing that I love about parasite is how clever the working class family was like especially in comparison to the rich couple who were either completely clueless or continuously made the wrong conclusions. and the scene where the sister is forging her brother’s diploma like the symbolism in how educational institutions not recognizing the ingenuity of poor people despite their skill and tenacity to learn because thats not really whats schools about - its a social ladder for the privileged *chefs kiss*

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Sometimes people are reluctant to learn because they are already far behind. This is a very human insecurity that, in a more benign form, might manifest as an adult being self-conscious about learning to draw, play an instrument, etc, bc other people are at more advanced levels.

A more insidious form is boomers and conservative who refuse to learn new skills & social behaviors (or to unlearn negative ones they’ve been taught). While this is also very human, it is still a shitty shitty thing they get away with bc they have the privilege of being incredibly coddled.

To the first type of reluctant learner I’d like to say, please don’t let that insecurity stifle you! No matter where you begin, or where you stop, the process of learning is a miraculous one. You are 100% guaranteed to grow as a person just by engaging; technical progress is just one detail.

To the second type of reluctant learner: get the fuck over it. You are actively making the world a worse place.

[livewellthinkdeeply]

[sc0rpi0-bxtch]

procrastinating because i’m faced with an unfamiliar task lmao

[businessinsider]

How to make a LinkedIn page that wows recruiters, according to the guy who just overhauled its design

[lauralot89]

So the current research says that 66 percent of millennials have no retirement savings, 63 percent have over $10,000 in debt, and 31 percent are still living with their parents.

As a millennial who has no debt, a 401(k) and an IRA, and who is having a house built, I just want to say something to counter all the negative messages bombarding my generation about how lazy and entitled we all are.  Do you know what’s the difference between me and those statistics?

Sheer dumb luck.

That’s it.  I didn’t do anything differently than anyone else.  I didn’t make better choices or go into the right major or any of that nonsense.  I was just lucky enough to be born into a family with parents who could put enough into my savings that, when combined with scholarships, allowed me to graduate from college without any debts.  I had pretty much no savings by the time I got my degree, but starting from nothing is still easier than starting with a negative balance.

I got hired within two months of graduation, and I’ve been with that company for going on six years.  Again, nothing but dumb luck.  My major, creative writing (one of the stereotypical ‘useless degrees’) has nothing to do with my career.  They just needed employees and I happened to interview at the right time.  And I was lucky enough that the job was in an area where I could live at home, rent-free, developing the savings that put me in a position to sign a contract on a house.

I was privileged and lucky.  That’s it.

Sure, I worked hard in school.  I gave it my all in my job interview.  I’ve put in effort to get where I am.

But people without the head starts I had have worked much harder.  I didn’t have to claw my way out of debt and poverty to get where I am.  If I had to do that, I wouldn’t be here.  I’d be another statistic for the boomers to dismiss.

You’re not doing anything wrong.  You aren’t the ones who broke the economy.  I haven’t figured out some correct, adult way of doing things that you haven’t.  I just happened to start the game with some of the cheat codes.

You are all doing the best you can, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[odeurderaclette]

In 2020, take a minute...

to stop comparing yourself to other “more successful” people.

Put things into perspective, what you don’t notice about yourself is actually what others may be admiring or envying. You may be blind to your own success. 

My best friend just bought her first home in 2019. She’s got a good job, now she has her own apartment, she cooks healthy meals and exercises at least 3 times a week, and last week after her car died she was able to just buy a new one. And here I am, also in my 30s but working in a superstore, living in a city with no friends or family, no pets, no hobbies, no driving licence, no ambition or motivation of any sort. I often half-jokingly say with “no life”.

But yesterday, on New Year’s Eve, she texted me that:

“You’re one of the people I’m most impressed with. You’re autonomous. You’re living abroad. You’ve moved countless times. Me I’m still bound to my dad, earlier today I went to pick my new car, with him. You, you fly alone on planes to other countries. You talk to strangers.”

What comes naturally to you is worth something, you may not notice it but you have your own strenghts. I didn’t know she saw that in me, that that could make me special.

So in 2020, let’s give ourselves a break. The grass is not greener on the other side it’s just a different shade of green.

[sc0rpi0-bxtch]

“The grass is not greener on the other side it’s just a different shade of green.”

noted