I stopped seeing my therapist because it just feels like she doesn't listen to me; despite me telling her how I feel. I feel like I will just stick to my psychiatrist exclusively for awhile until I can find a specialized therapist...
This comic only mentions different hallucinations based on sensory modality (which sense it impacts) but there are other ways to categorise hallucinations such as the theme of the hallucination or the severity of the hallucination
Hallucinations don’t only affect schizospec people and can happen to people without a psychotic disorder or any mental illness/condition
religious schizospec + bpd culture is going through periods of religious psychosis and delusions and hallucinations and splitting on your literal “God”
The other day, I was speaking with my boyfriend about the whole idea of tesseract. The whole idea that we cannot picture 3D, even though our world is in 3D, our eyes only perceive 2D.
Personally, I am not sure if this is just undiagnosed OCD, but this type of thinking freaks me out. Since discussing this, I've been nonstop reality checking myself. Questioning and worrying about how I am about to see depth of field and how I always have trouble with it. My eyes medically are fine.
It keeps me from interacting with the world, to me, it's like experiencing Derealization, psychosis and existential thoughts all at once. Its super terrifying as it disables me from my life.
This whole idea that existence as we know could just be snapped out, blank. I don't know where my body is in this world. How can I differentiate my body and the environment from one another? I also heard something yesterday, I was doing a IFS practice and loud as day, in my right ear, "Can you hear me?" In a neutral voice. It scared me. It sounded like something was loudly speaking in my ear and I tried to reply, but no response after.
All day today, I felt like I was fighting to stay present, I was scared to blink, thinking I was gonna wake up in a different place. I am so mentally exhausted. So much dissociation.
So I temporarily was going to place myself into a mental health facility when summer first began. However, I uh, I could not as too many financial and uh, other personal issues were happening.
And I can't do it now because I start school. I'm going back to college next Monday. And uh, I will not have the chance. To even attempt to go to the facility to get I personalize 1 on 1 help. So I am kind of at a loss because I don't know what I should do.
The therapist I am seeing, I don't like her. It just feels as though she doesn't listen to what my concerns are. I've even written a whole fucking document about all the symptoms I have, and she just believes that I'm just a creative person. Basically, to me, it sounds like she's insinuating that I'm faking everything, and that I'm just too bored with life that I have to make up all these things that are going on with me.
And I stopped taking my medication for a while and I am taking it again. I do see my new psychiatrist on the 20th of this month. And I'm hoping that maybe he'll fucking listen to me, because he's more qualified than she ever will be.
I apologize in advance if this post seems very Scattered and ultimately unorganized. I reached out to my psychiatrist to set up a psych eval to see if they even do that. I do not know what's going on with me, and it's scary because I start going back to College in August, and I was planning to go into an inpatient hospitalization to get some one-on-one care.
I know that being "obsessed," which is not the right word at all, with labels is not very helpful, but for me, it gives me a name for what I'm experiencing. But it does feel helpful to research under that diagnostic label or whatever to find more personal experiences to see if I can relate to that. But I have no idea, and I am so lost, I don't know if I'm faking or there's something terribly going on, and sometimes I feel that whatever I'm going through has not been discovered yet, and that I'm going to be a first-world case that is extremely difficult to understand.
It's so hard to differentiate if it's psychosis or if it's an obsession from OCD, if it's some sort of splitting from fucking BPD or NPD or STPD and PPD. I don't know if I'm experiencing bipolar symptoms, I don't know if I am actually schizophrenic, or I'm just having a spiritual revelation, I don't know who I am, I don't know if this is OSDD or some sort of dissociative identity disorder.
I've had weird symptoms since I was a child. I've also questioned if I'm autistic, and I find that I have a higher likelihood of being autistic from school questionnaires and evaluations from professional counselors and such, but I don't have the diagnosis because some can't do a diagnosis, some can only do the questionnaires, etc. The resources are so vast but so complicated.
And it doesn't make it any better because there's comorbidity in diagnostic disorders And that can complicate figuring out what symptom is with what disorder or if it's a mix and unfortunately a lot of diagnoses it takes sometimes months to years to even find if there is a disorder and it doesn't help that I've been suffering for this long and we still don't know what's going on with me.
I could write forever about what I experience, and it still wouldn't be enough.
Last night, I was just chilling at my desk on my computer and suddenly I felt as if I was being watched. I unfortunately looked outside my window that's to the right of me, and In my backyard, I saw the Creature by a tree. He was just watching me and I suddenly froze, petrified to move.
Ended up being so terrified that I woke my boyfriend up from his slumber to close the window and curtain. I couldn't go back over to do it myself, in fear that He was still watching me.
After, I got into bed and I had to sleep with the light on, but now I felt as if He was now in the bedroom with me. It was a rough night, but my boyfriend assured me that the Creature was not there.
Psychosis is so fucking terrifying and I am so tired of people who fake and think it's some quirky thing to have.
Ever since I got on Cymbalta, I've developed insomnia. Also, I've been getting really bad headaches and other symptoms. But the problem isn't going to sleep, but it's staying asleep. I wake up every hour, and I do not feel rested whatsoever. It's become so bad that I felt like I actually haven't slept in like a week.
My last psychiatric appointment with my current psychiatrist is on Monday, I am quite sad that she is moving to another company but I hope she finds peace.
I see my new psychiatrist in October, and I'm nervous, but hopefully, she and I will vibe well together.
