i genuinely think the kitchen argument is about buck getting the groceries anyway.Â
thatâs the thing, yeah? eddie was going to get groceries and buck knew that, but got the groceries anyway. he got the groceries. itâs about the groceries. because we need to acknowledgeâbuck went to father brian and father brian let him rant to bobby, and buck technically said, âyou told me iâd be okay but iâm notâ, and he actually said, âyou told me theyâd need me but i canât really be there for them because iâm not handling this well. youâre gone, and everything is different, and i donât want it to be different, i canât handle it being differentâ.
so he pretends to handle it, pretends to help them: turns off his own feelings, shapes the processing of grief into tests, shuts down and becomes nothing more than a shoulder to lean on. he doesnât allow them to do the same for him because heâs fine, yeah? buckâs fine. buck gets the groceries and heâs fine. which means, of course, that buckâs not fine. and everybody knows that, because buck doesnât not break down. theyâre all waiting for the bomb to explode.Â
and eddie knows buck. he knows buck inside and out. he knows that buck makes everything about buck, especially when heâs trying to be strong and not make everything about him. buck told bobby, âiâm not able to handle this at allâ, and then it comes out that heâs being treated with kid gloves, and eddie basically agrees that buckâs not able to handle it. he agrees, he digs his salted thumb into the wound, because he himself canât handle it.Â
please keep in mind that buck has been established as eddieâs safe space. buck is the person eddie can be selfish with. buck is the person eddie can sit with, and wallow with, and be miserable with. but buck has shut down and heâs handling it. itâs the groceries: buck got the groceries, alone. didnât let eddie get them, didnât offer to get them togetherâbuck is trying to fix the loss by doing things, by keeping himself busy, by turning grief into scores. heâs trying to be a grief counsellor but in order to be one he has to distance himself from his own grief, so he does, so he gets the groceries. and itâs not helping.Â
buck is eddieâs safe space. buck got the groceries while that was eddieâs task. eddie knows buck. and neither of them are handling it and eddie wants, desperately, to not handle it together. eddie basically says, âyouâre being handled with kid glovesâ, and buck basically says, âwell, i didnât ask to be handled with kid gloves, i can handle hard things, why didnât tell me you got the job in texas i can handle thatâ, but eddie doesnât want to argue about the job. eddie basically says, âeverything about you screams âhandle with kid glovesâ, and you got the fucking groceries while i shouldâve gotten them and youâre making everything about you, always, and youâre acting like youâre handling it when youâre notâ, but heâs actually saying, âsit in the misery with meâ. and buck says, âwell, iâm sorry for being sad that bobby diedâ, and makes it about him because he feels like itâs about him. because it is, in essence. it's him getting the groceries.Â
remember that itâs implied buck wasnât the one to tell eddie bobby had died. buck wasnât there to cry with him, wasnât there to begin to process the grief with him, wasnât there to tell christopher with him. and heâs still not, even though eddie is next to him, because heâs trying not to be consumed by it.Â
but eddie can be selfish with buck, so he makes the groceries about him. he lets it hit him personally. he wants to be handled with kid gloves and buck isnât even close enough to touch him and he wants to be touched. buck didnât ask him what it was like to get the call. buckâs treated like heâs made of glass and isnât treating eddie like heâs made of glass and it causes this odd, irrelevant, insensible kind of envy that all culminates in eddie metaphorically screaming, look at me. iâm here too. iâm sad too.Â
but buck doesnât get it. buck is upset eddie didnât tell him he was leaving, so he gets the groceries. heâs handling it, and eddie doesnât want him to and want to not handle it together. so he pokes buck until buck begins to break because thatâs what he needs. eddie wants to sit with buck in shared grief and buckâs not letting him. buck didnât need to get the groceries, because itâs not helping. he shouldâve let eddie get the groceries. he shouldâve offered to get them together.Â
itâs about the groceries.Â
