i genuinely think the kitchen argument is about buck getting the groceries anyway.
that’s the thing, yeah? eddie was going to get groceries and buck knew that, but got the groceries anyway. he got the groceries. it’s about the groceries. because we need to acknowledge—buck went to father brian and father brian let him rant to bobby, and buck technically said, “you told me i’d be okay but i’m not”, and he actually said, “you told me they’d need me but i can’t really be there for them because i’m not handling this well. you’re gone, and everything is different, and i don’t want it to be different, i can’t handle it being different”.
so he pretends to handle it, pretends to help them: turns off his own feelings, shapes the processing of grief into tests, shuts down and becomes nothing more than a shoulder to lean on. he doesn’t allow them to do the same for him because he’s fine, yeah? buck’s fine. buck gets the groceries and he’s fine. which means, of course, that buck’s not fine. and everybody knows that, because buck doesn’t not break down. they’re all waiting for the bomb to explode.
and eddie knows buck. he knows buck inside and out. he knows that buck makes everything about buck, especially when he’s trying to be strong and not make everything about him. buck told bobby, “i’m not able to handle this at all”, and then it comes out that he’s being treated with kid gloves, and eddie basically agrees that buck’s not able to handle it. he agrees, he digs his salted thumb into the wound, because he himself can’t handle it.
please keep in mind that buck has been established as eddie’s safe space. buck is the person eddie can be selfish with. buck is the person eddie can sit with, and wallow with, and be miserable with. but buck has shut down and he’s handling it. it’s the groceries: buck got the groceries, alone. didn’t let eddie get them, didn’t offer to get them together—buck is trying to fix the loss by doing things, by keeping himself busy, by turning grief into scores. he’s trying to be a grief counsellor but in order to be one he has to distance himself from his own grief, so he does, so he gets the groceries. and it’s not helping.
buck is eddie’s safe space. buck got the groceries while that was eddie’s task. eddie knows buck. and neither of them are handling it and eddie wants, desperately, to not handle it together. eddie basically says, “you’re being handled with kid gloves”, and buck basically says, “well, i didn’t ask to be handled with kid gloves, i can handle hard things, why didn’t tell me you got the job in texas i can handle that”, but eddie doesn’t want to argue about the job. eddie basically says, “everything about you screams ‘handle with kid gloves’, and you got the fucking groceries while i should’ve gotten them and you’re making everything about you, always, and you’re acting like you’re handling it when you’re not”, but he’s actually saying, “sit in the misery with me”. and buck says, “well, i’m sorry for being sad that bobby died”, and makes it about him because he feels like it’s about him. because it is, in essence. it's him getting the groceries.
remember that it’s implied buck wasn’t the one to tell eddie bobby had died. buck wasn’t there to cry with him, wasn’t there to begin to process the grief with him, wasn’t there to tell christopher with him. and he’s still not, even though eddie is next to him, because he’s trying not to be consumed by it.
but eddie can be selfish with buck, so he makes the groceries about him. he lets it hit him personally. he wants to be handled with kid gloves and buck isn’t even close enough to touch him and he wants to be touched. buck didn’t ask him what it was like to get the call. buck’s treated like he’s made of glass and isn’t treating eddie like he’s made of glass and it causes this odd, irrelevant, insensible kind of envy that all culminates in eddie metaphorically screaming, look at me. i’m here too. i’m sad too.
but buck doesn’t get it. buck is upset eddie didn’t tell him he was leaving, so he gets the groceries. he’s handling it, and eddie doesn’t want him to and want to not handle it together. so he pokes buck until buck begins to break because that’s what he needs. eddie wants to sit with buck in shared grief and buck’s not letting him. buck didn’t need to get the groceries, because it’s not helping. he should’ve let eddie get the groceries. he should’ve offered to get them together.
it’s about the groceries.
