Lucy

The inner thoughts and workings of a 20 something as she tries to navigate her way through life and love.

[scribblesofa20something]

I look at your face and I smile,

Your eyebrow has this mark that

I long to trace my fingers over,

Tell me how you got this scar.

I want to lay next to you,

I want to be up close,

I want to feel you near me,

I want to let you in.

My mind, my body, my heart

Is calling to explore this more.

Why is it that I've found you now

after all this time waiting?

Is this what life must be like

when you're quarantine dating?

[scribblesofa20something]

I like you.

You're kind and funny.

I really like you.

I hope you like me too.

[scribblesofa20something]

Why do the ones we loved never fully leave us?

Because part of them remains to remind you that you can feel.

[scribblesofa20something]

Again and again, there you are.

You never quite leave me.

For years you've been gone

A new life you have made.

But yet in my dreams and my heart

You remain.

[scribblesofa20something]

And so there you were again, in my dream

My mind can't seem to let you go

As soon as I begin to like someone new

There you are in my head again

There is nothing bad in your reappearance

Just a reminder of your presence in my life

You came this time trying to be friends

You wanted to know about my life again

I know it's not real as you no longer care

I won't let you get in the way this one

You are long gone and have been for years

So why do you pop up each time I start

To feel again because I let you go

I no longer yearn for you or your touch

Yet each time I date and I start to think

That this one is good and I like him

There you are to greet me in dreams

To reminisce and make amends for everything

It's nice to see you but now you must go

Because my heart might finally be his...

[scribblesofa20something]

Not being able to touch or get physically close is making dating you more exciting. I am learning more about you each time we speak and it intrigues me. You intrigue me.

[scribblesofa20something]

You have taken me by surprise and that I did not expect.

You are making me smile and making me think.

And that is certainly not what I imagined when we first met.

[scribblesofa20something]

Just a thought...

What if everyone donated their weekly petrol/travel money to a charity to support the vulnerable, the elderly, the NHS, any charities to support less able families and people in this time of uncertainty?

After all, if you have it to spare with being in quarantine or self isolation then it might be useful to somebody else?

[scribblesofa20something]

Dating and being single has made me realise something...

I want laughter.

I want someone I can be silly with, that I can laugh with and not take things so seriously with. I want to be myself with them.

But at the same time, I want passion and love.

I want someone who loves me deeply and fully and someone who wants me with every fibre of their being. I want it all.

Is it asking too much?

[scribblesofa20something]

Someone New

I touched a new body, new skin, new hair.

It's so odd adjusting to someone else's flairs.

Their kinks, their likes, it's all brand new.

I feel like a fool, like I don't know what to do.

I've been with people before and my confidence grew.

But with someone new... I'm unsure what to do.

Do they like what you liked?

Does their body move the same?

Will I be able to make them go absolutely insane?

Will they think I'm amazing just like you did,

Or will it fall flat because they hated that one thing?

Someone new is exciting but also scary,

It could just leave my heart even more weary.

I might do it all wrong or maybe I'll be in luck.

I guess I just really hope you don't think I suck.

[scribblesofa20something]

The best and The Worst

I have had fantastic kisses but I may not have had the best kiss of my life YET.

I have had great sex but I may not have had the best sex of my life YET.

I have laughed a lot but I may not have laughed the hardest in my life YET.

But also,

I've been incredibly sad and heartbroken but I may not have experienced the worst heartbreak or sadness in my life YET.

[scribblesofa20something]

I don't want you anymore but I miss you.

I don't want us again but I think of you.

I don't want to go back but I like to know still.

I don't envy her but I don't want you to forget.

I hope that you still think back on our time fondly.

I hope it isn't just my memories that keep us alive.

I hope that somewhere you have me stored in your heart.

I hope that you don't regret me. That you still feel our time was positive.

I hope you continue to love and live but I know it's not with me.

[scribblesofa20something]

It's our first date tonight,

will you like me?

Will I talk too much and put you off,

Or will you like that?

Will you be the one for me,

Or will this be just another failure?

It's our first date tonight

And I want it to go well.

[scribblesofa20something]

Another night, another date.

Another face but never you.

Will there come a day where I won't mind that?

[scribblesofa20something]

Do I have a sign on that says, "Ghost me."?

Do I have such a displeasing face?

Am I too boring to converse with?

What is it that keeps you silent?

Again and again and again,

It's always the same.

Dating is a game I don't like playing

Yet no will take me out of it.

Just once I would love to be picked

To be wanted

To be considered

Or at the very least have a reason

And not just a double blue tick

[scribblesofa20something]

What would today have been like it you and I were still us?

Would I have woken up in this house or would it be somewhere different?

Would I have gone to work where I did today or would our life together have taken us both to different avenues?

Would I have turned over and got out of bed to see my flat tummy or would it have been replaced with stretch marks and a growing swollen belly?

Would I have woken up alone like I did this morning or would you have been laid next to me? Would you have been up and ready for work already, would you have got up with me and made the coffee?

Would I have come home to my family visiting my house or would you have already greeted them inside? Would it be ours?

Would I have woken up and put on all my jewellery or would I have woken up to one piece already adorning my left hand?

I just wonder sometimes where life would have taken us if we had made it work. I wonder whether I would be living a different life or if it would be much the same but with you by my side through it?

Would we have children by now? Would I have wedding photographs on the wall? What would our life be like today if we'd made it?

[scribblesofa20something]

At the end of the day

I am just hoping

I don't have to live this life alone

I could do it alone

Doesn't mean I want to

I want a love who'll journey with me

I have my family

I have my friends

But this something is missing

At the end of the day

I am just hoping

That someone will rock my world