For the longest time I didn't understand the overdone meta-joke about comedians "always" mocking airline food. I didn't know there was airline food. I have Learned.
Back in October I took a little trip to Seattle to see my girlfriend, and I got to fly first class cuz the stars had briefly aligned and they had a bit of windfall. Never done that before. If I'm ever called upon to do it again, I'll have to spend some time preparing my mental and physical fortitude.
So at first everything is going swell, I'm living it up in my big-ass seat like some sort of child emperor, and then about half an hour into the whole song and dance a flight attendant comes by and tries to hand me a menu. Bemused, I sez, ". . . No, thanks?" and I could tell by the look on his face I had failed to keep the tremor of fear out of my voice.
He goes to the front of the cabin and opens up this, like, reliquary, and the entire airplane instantly reeks like rotten dog farts. This state of affairs will remain unchanged for the next 6 consecutive hours. The reliquary contains trays of what appears to be embalmed hospital food of some sort, and the trays are distributed out to those fools who asked for them, one of whom was sitting next to me. The smell of dog farts is overpowering, now accompanied by the cacophonous racket of Chewing.
I buried my face in my tits, shut my eyes, and tried to pay attention to my book on tape. I'd been working my way through Paradise Lost and there in my own little Pandemonium I decided this Satan dude makes some damn compelling arguments and y'know maybe if I'd chosen hard liberty over the easy yoke of pampered servitude maybe things woulda been different
It's somehow comforting to know that the food in first class is as bad as it is in regular class
In regular class they'd give me, like, a packaged hamburger and some peanuts. This was a full spread of nightmares.
I suddenly feel blessed to have only ever received a playing-card sized package of pretzels and a can of Coke
Oh how I longed for some pretzels and a can of coke as i lay there in durance vile
I went on a flight to Europe and it was a German airline and I did accept the food since it was a 10 hour flight. I was served two cold sausages, a piece of hard dark bread and a fruit cup. I ate the bread and fruit and once the hunger got unbearable, I choked down half of one of the sausages.
Man, I don’t even like sausages on a good day let alone cold airplane sausages.
Y'all making me very happy that having celiac means I come prepared for not having food.
I would like all the europeans and all the ppl from real countries in the notes who are like "but i got such good food when i flew with Das Planegeflyen" to also know that the tickets cost the same number of freedom bucks as it would cost to buy a decent-condition used automobile over the internet
My hillbilly ass was like
