I havent been posting in a while, ive been deep in the hole.
I never write much really, but tonight i feel like a bit
Been working on a pretty big wall painting commission, that kinda goes a little off my usual style in a sense? [ being the subject im painting its the deity ganesh ] im nearish the end of it and its been good becouse for a while they've been giving me a room to be in.
Living in a house in winter now feels weird, im used to be either in a tent or in some kind of squat or abandoned building really.. for a ling time now ive been living in a abandoned lectric tower without windows nor a door, water or electricity in the middle of the woods, and that was my house last winter too. I wished so much for a house and warmth and i just used to live at the bar that was a punk community of pilgrims like me.
But now
Its.. like i cant stand to be in this closed walls anymore. Im still in the middle of the wooda in the nothing in a village so small and so abandoned there is 7 houses in total. Yet.
Feels tight
And i dont understand why i feel like this.. why am i not happy to be in the warmth for once? And just .. crave the cold uncomfortable memory of where i was. Toxic environment of self isolation yet forcing myself to be around, all the days ive spent in those long tall walls of the tower on a moldy mattress smoking on silver just to make the time pass to be able to sleep
Ive been completely clean here. Painting, i can have a shower when i want, hell, i can even eat fresh food from the garden for free
Im being as lucky as ive ever been for the past years really
im not happy
I got sick for days with fever not being able to psint much but still be there painting something
But not for the passion
But for .. finish it? So i can go away
I can go
Ive been looking a lot a this little metal box i have where i have inside the burned foil from my past smoking
I feel tired looking at it, i dont want to go bsck to it, i dont want to face really my problems either tho
Ive faced a lot this years
Ive done my best
So much ive destroyed myself as much as i could, thinking more to not hurt anyone else anymore
Still i do it, still i try not to and learn
Still im tired
I dont know where im going with this really anymore, i could go on and on for days with shit, but i guess i just need to let it out somewhat, it doesent matter if snyone reads it or in the end i just wnd up deleting this or not posting it
It feels good to let it out there
Its like screaming in the void posting on the internet
Ive been wanting to make a comic, or like to continue, or maybe post my old ones but for how much i want to do i always manage to do only rhe half of it getting occupide in surviving and or the opposite really
My hands hurts now i think im done, before i cant move them anymore for days, fucking EDS is a pain in the ass when you gotta paint
