Sensations Are Failure

i'm not a self help book i'm just a fucked up kid- the wonder years

[sensationsarefailure]

fat socialists

I've been meaning to make a post like this since long before the "Trigglypuff" thing, but anyway...

First, a little about me- I'm a left-Marxist sympathetic to various far left (both statist and non-statist) solutions to the multifarious problems wrought by capitalism and great concentrations of power in general. I identified as trans for 3 years, was on HRT (t-blockers and estrogen) for 1.5 years, and lived as a trans woman for 5 months before transitioning back to male. Soon after that, I made out with a (skinny) guy in front of anti-gay protestors. I'm a vegan, and I have 2 tattoos on my wrist- the symbols for "veganarchism" and "animal liberation/human liberation", respectively.

I'm noting all this so you know I'm not some Trump supporter....with that said-

Fat people are disgusting  

We now have a large number of fat poor people feeding (literally) in great excess off the system that supposedly oppresses them. If you're fat, you're likely that way due to stuffing your face with low-quality, mass-produced capitalist food, eating enough in a year to feed a  third world family for that same time frame. It's the capitalists that are supposed to be the class of sloth, indolence and excess, not us. It's sad so many college-age people are already so overweight and deformed, hence becoming a drain on society for many decades to come. Lewis Hine was a great SJW in his day, and are his photo subjects typically morbidly obese?  Would they have garnered near the sympathy necessary to help change labor if they were? The same applies to Jacob Riis too, his subjects aren't exactly gorging themselves on McDonald's. Their subjects are the victims, not beneficiaries, of capitalism like yourselves. How are you going to organize a union if you're out of work on disability? And if you do get a job, who will want to join your organizing efforts if you're the slowest worker there? The idea "To each according to his need" becomes much more difficult when so many people's needs (the overweight, the rich) are much greater, and unjustifiably so, than others. Smashing a chair by merely sitting in it is a lot easier than smashing capitalism.

I miss the the working class was in shape and the capitalist was the obese one, how times change. 

(first post in a year, back into retirement I go...)

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As you can probably tell by now, this blog is pretty much dead in terms of me updating regularly, somewhere between work and having a social life I guess I lost the impetus to blog. Anyway, here is a rundown of stuff since my last life update 3 months ago- 

- there are some new tumblr things I’m unaware of that keep popping up as I type this, it’s been a while since I was even logged in, I am not sure what to think....smh....kids these days...

- big news on the gender front- after a few months of living as a trans woman (albeit one that didn’t pass most of the time, but who was out to everybody I know) I decided that was making me really unhappy- I had something close to a mental breakdown a few weeks ago- the worst I had felt in a long-ass time, and I missed work for the first time in 1.5 years. I then promptly told people to start calling me Ryan again, and that I wasn’t a trans woman, and that androgyny was going to be my target from now on. Since then, I've actually felt really good about myself, I cut my hair real short (which I think is cute) and I want to start working out again, but I’m still taking hormones (I’m never gonna go off those) and I still paint my nails and don’t suppress my feminine mannerisms. I was just suppressing my masculine impulses too much, I had to find a balance between my masculinity and my femininity. I am back to being genderqueer, whichi is basically how I felt to begin with. 

- I feel more comfortable around Ashley than I’ve ever felt with anyone, and I know she feels really comfortable around me, but sometimes I'm reminded of a verse from an Andrea Gibson poem- 

Our hearts beat so loud the neighbours think we’re fucking

when I’m just trying to find the nerve to touch your face

You don’t ask God how long this will last

I don’t care about any of the words on the map besides

You are here

she’s like the one person who can make me nervous these days

- Speaking of...the 2 of us are going to Chicago next month to see the Manics, they’ve been my fav band for 9 years and I’ve never come close to seeing them live

- I don’t know what Nerdfighters is or who Hank Green is...just for the record. 

- Songs I’ve been listening to lately- “take it in blood”- mobb deep, “disconnected”- dry cell, “killing me softly”- lauryn hill, "last love song”- zz ward, rancid- “in the streets”, xero- “stick n move” , halestorm- "i get off“. “it's like a plague and there ain’t no cure, we adsorb this world’s filth, therefore we unpure- mobb deep...damn son....and ...fuck, that zz ward song is so sad. Remember when I used to like punk...yep, those were the days....

-I honestly wish I could go back to college, I’m far smarter than I was last time I tried college six years ago and I’d want to major in something that might help others, but for lots of different reasons, that will never happen. I’m still paying for my last college adventure, I can’t start a new one..and due to my crap job, my sub-educationed stasis is permanent. I’m 29 now and it’s fucking over, that ship sailed long ago.

- I just bought some Punk Rawk Labs cheese for the first time, all the previous times I’ve tried it’s been sold out.

- I’m 6-1 138 now, although somebody recently told me "I’m jealous of your facial structure”, so I guess that makes it alright.

hmmm, that’s probably it for now, tune in in another 3-4 months for another life update.

[sensationsarefailure]

Below is my drawing of Muhammad-

as you can see, it's abstract, really abstract.

Anyway, I can't help but think that both sides are being a little silly here, on the one hand, I don't get why we just have to be able to draw Muhammad or else western civilization or free speech as we know it will vanish before our eyes even if it greatly offends a particular religion, on the other hand, I'm not sure killing 12 people for drawing anything is really the best way to express your disapproval.

[sensationsarefailure]

19th c. baseball

"You never heard anyone with a sore arm in my day. When we weren't pitching, we either played the outfield or doubled as ticket takers. The biggest strain my arm ever underwent was at the Polo Grounds when I counted 30,000 tickets." - Kid Nichols, 1948

[sensationsarefailure]

Merry Christmas everyone

[sensationsarefailure]

Sorry I don't really update this blog much these days. Notes on me recently-

- So, yeah, there's this chick.....anyway me and this one girl have been spending a lot of time together the past month or so, long story short I have developed a huge crush on her now, I don't know if she does with me or not, but she's bi so I'm hoping there's a chance. I'll tell her someday. A few people who know both of us have told us we'd be a great couple, and she said if anyone gives me crap about who I am, she will "fucking go off on them". I don't know, I have some reservations, but I have never felt like this about another person before and even if she isn't in to me like that, I definitely want to stay friends. We'd be an interracial lesbian couple and one of us is trans, this isn't the kind of couple depicted in 50's shorts like Are You Ready For Marriage? 

- I have nooooo sex drive atm, I seriously have no urge to even fap these days, it's the hormones, I know. Sometimes I hope it comes back a little, I kind of miss it. I might even forget how to fap....

- I'm hoping I can call myself a Jain sometime without feeling inadequate about it. It's the religion that makes the most sense to me, though I think practices matter much more than labels, and I maintain a ton of respect for certain people of other religions, and will always likely have more than a passing interest in Christianity and Buddhism.

- Why did I just recently hear Nas' Illmatic? It's quite amazing.

- Speaking of 1994 albums, I just shelled out a ridiculous amount for The Holy Bible 20th Anniversary thing. The price itself wasn't that bad, but shipping to the US was a biotch. And I was gonna donate to that Kickstarter campaign on the Holy Bible documentary, but I wanted the 20 pound perk, which would have been a 45 dollar-or-so perk for an American like me, but I'm glad it got funded and I'll definitely watch it when it comes out.

- I've been looking for a second job, not because I need one, I just want one. Note to prospective employers- if I'm only working about 15 hrs a week for you, you have no idea how hard I'd work, since it's less time I have to put up with your shit.

- Everyone, even people I don't think even know me that well, have noticed that I seem happier than ever.

[kitchensink108]

I don’t like making crazy conspiracy theories or over-generalizing things, but I’ve been thinking about how conservatives in America, whether they’re aware of it or not, are essentially trying to bring back slavery. The more conservative someone is, this description will fit them:

There should...

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walked in to a bar last night with another chick and the bartender said "what can I get you ladies tonight?" I had zero makeup on, it made my day.

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Somebody at my work said something really interesting today, and I don't think he has any idea how much it actually meant to me. Ok, some people at work still alternate calling me Ryan and Ivy, and I forget which one he used here, but he said basically, as a quick aside to something else, "I don't think we can call Ryan quiet anymore". This is interesting because I've been called quiet my whole life- most of the time, I have usually been so not-terribly-talkative as to be called "quiet", but apparently not anymore, at least at work, and this from the one person at work I actually am not comfortable around still (my boss, everyone thinks he's an ass, not just me). I know I talk more than I ever have before, I have noticed it and other people have told me, especially after coming out, but I didn't realized I talked so much that I'm not even called "quiet" anymore. Cat's outta the bag, and isn't not going back in.

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-I'm not sxe anymore, I've broke it at least 3 different ways in the past week or so, finally, it took long enough. I hereby invite any sxe crew to come beat some self-respect into me, come on CxC, don't disappoint, that'd be a big turn on, actually. No, but seriously, one of the times I bought alcohol the guy didn't even card me, I wanted to go up and be like "please card me dude, it's for my self esteem". I lasted five years and what did it do? uh, I don't really know.

-I'm still a vegan, in fact, and starting to take insects even more seriously than before. Like when I went on that walk in my old neighborhood, I actually had to go waaaay out of my way to get back to my car because I didn't want to walk on grass, because that might kill insects. And at work recently, I had to really think hard about whether I wanted to kill a disabled bee or not, it's thorax looked pretty damaged and it had stayed in one spot for a long time, but I left for a few minutes and it was gone, I don't know what happened. I just thought- just because I am much larger than an insect doesn't make my life so much better than theirs that I can just end theirs simply for my own convenience. 

- I started using Soulseek again recently, and got this comp tape from 1996 with 35 songs, the only bands I'd heard of before are Black Kronstadt and Submission Hold, but it's also got some other bands on there, including Third World Planet, who sound a ton like Antischism, and a band called "let's put the x in sex" who only has 1 song on here, but it's very unique, kind of reminds me of 2.5 Children Inc. I need to find more by these 2 bands.

[sensationsarefailure]

"I left more than a mark, I left a dent, cuz I'm a product of the environment"- 3rd bass

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been a while since one of these posts...the Cash record is the coolest I've found at a thrift store yet. They also had numerous Waylon Jennings, Hank Jr, and Bob Seger records, though I didn't get those since that really isn't my thing. and LOL at the grasshoppers that sing old labor sing like "Big Rock Candy Mountain" which was written by a wobbly named Harry McClintock, and "I've been working on the railroad", which I don't know the history of, but it sure sounds like an old labor song, getting kids ready for the class war.

That trippy looking one is Jesus' live album I think.

[sensationsarefailure]

urbandictionary on Ivy-

A true pimpette, who a lot of guys love.

Ivy is a real pimpette.

ok, i can take that

[sensationsarefailure]

"but at this point, my friends, I wish to make it clear that the obscenity I'm talking about and the examples I'm about to show you were not bought on the sly from under the counter, they were not purchased on skid row or on the other side of the tracks, they can be bought openly by anyone in drug stores, groceries, delicatessens, terminals, malt shops, cigar stores, newsstands, all over the community"- Perversion for Profit, 1965

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Ya know, if you get a "third eye" mircrodermal right above the eyebrows and in the middle of the face, you might get a bit of an ASMR feeling from it. I've had 10 piercings in my face, including 3 third eyes, and the microdermal right above the eyebrows is the only one that has actually felt good. What does this tell us? I don't really know, that ASMR can occur in a variety of ways I suppose.

[sensationsarefailure]

trans vegan

So apparently my boss has been talking about me behind my back, telling people that me being transgender is caused by my being a vegan or something like that. I don't want to talk about why this isn't true- it's ridiculous to anyone who knows anything about transgenderism or veganism- I just want to say one thing about this- bro, stop talking about things you clearly know nothing about that greatly effect me behind my back. First off, I have talked a little to him about both subjects before- he's asked me a few questions, and if someone asks me a question, I try to answer- however, I surmise that his knowledge of both subjects is very rudimentary, to put it nicely. Male overconfidence is a thing, and he's great at it, he's an expert on everything and dominates the conversation not matter what, I look forward to the day he mansplains to me how estrogen effects my brain or the pros and cons of an orchiectomy or something like that, I wouldn't put it past him. I'm not really mad at him right now, it's just I'm more not surprised than anything- like of course he knows a lot about transgerderism and veganism- even more than a trans vegan does, and takes it upon himself to educate my coworkers about it. thanks bro.

[sensationsarefailure]

two things- 

-I don't think I'm gonna call myself xvx much longer, I honestly could see myself smoking weed and possibly a psychedelic compound of some sort some day, I don't know when, but I'd say its possible. I have no interest in drinking or smoking, and I'm going to be a vegan forever hopefully, but under certain circumstances, I would do certain drugs and honestly don't think I'd be worse off for it. I'll probably take the xvx out of my blog's description some time, if I feel like it. Especially if I were to get into a relationship with a person who was into certain substances, yeah, I'm down.

- Last week, there was a video that went viral about a ghost at a New Mexico police station, and  i read through a lot of comments on various sites, and there was a couple by ghost hunters, explaining how some spirits are trapped between this world and the next, that's what ghosts are. Most ghosts are just spirits wanting to say hi, but some are angels and some are demons, and there are ways to make them go away if you want. I found it fascinating, and the skeptic in me didn't say "no, spirits don't exist, it's clearly a bug or something to do with how the video was stored or something like that", I basically thought "well, it could be a bug or video malfunction, or it could be spirit". I don't know if spirits exist or not, and I'm open to the possibility, and honestly, even when I was an atheist, I never got the point of the label "skeptic", I mean, practically all of the people I  have great amounts of respect for believed in magic of some kind. I want to believe in things like sprites and fairies, maybe they only exist in a realm accessible only on DMT. Now I'm getting really speculative, but still, it doesn't help that most of the guys I can think of that are "skeptics" look like comic book guy and it's not like their skepticism of the supernatural makes them better people.