Sunk Cost
One
“But we’re not retired” Mia said. Barrett continued to stare at his phone. Mia waved her hand in front of his face. “Hello? Earth to Barrett!”. Mia’s Husband finally looked up at her. She repeated herself as he took his headphones out. “We’re not retired, Barrett.”
“Well that’s the genius of it.” Barrett replied. “Here, check this out.” He swiped down to disconnect his earbuds and showed her his phone. On it she saw a youngish man with multicolored hair. Obviously filming the video “selfie style” from the driver’s seat of a newer looking car. The bottom of the screen showed a profile picture of the man, and read “@ThriftyTheo”. “Hey my thrifty folks!” The man exclaimed with the type of excitement that seemed to be a commodity for influencers, “If you’re a freelancer, you are going to want to hear this.”
The video cut to a screenshot of a website, “Retirely.ai”. ThriftyTheo’s voiceover continued.
Everyone knows about Retirely. It’s a membership for older folks right? Wrong. There is no age minimum to get a Retirely account! None! I know what you’re gonna say, ‘but Theo, don’t you have to be retired?’ Wrong again! You just need to not have a W2. That’s what Retirely uses to decide if someone is retired. And let me tell you, the deals are absolutely too good to be true. Except they ARE true. Alright, I’m out. Stay Thrifty! Barrett clicked his phone off and looked at Mia. Two years of mortgage payments had made him obsessive about saving money. "Here, check this out." He had gotten his laptop out, turning it so she could see the screen.
Mia knew what was coming. Another scheme. Another "opportunity" Barrett had discovered that would let him avoid going back to the agency. She'd been patient about the consultancy thing, even though her graphic design gigs were barely keeping them afloat. Between the mortgage and everything else, they were one emergency away from real trouble. The screen showed the Retirely website. Barrett had pulled up a page called "available discounts".
Mia’s eyes started to glaze over. “I don't see how 3 cents off gas is going to-“
“-This isn't AARP, Mia." Barrett interrupted. Mia locked eyes with him.
"Sorry for interrupting. But just look at this." He said. “Forty percent off gas, fifty percent off meals out, one hundred dollar rebate on groceries.” He added, eyes wide. “This is how we can finally overcome all the inflation, get out of our office jobs, maybe even save some money” he scrolled down. “Look here, three-day all inclusive spa and resort, flights included, nine hundred dollar value, just eighty five dollars.” “Yeah how about this one?” Mia pointed to the screen, "those are really cheap coffins." She smiled wryly. "Prepaid funeral services - sixty percent off! That's one way to plan ahead."
Barrett waved his hand dismissively. "I know, there are some weird ones. We're not their target audience. Just keep going, I think there are a few more you might like” “Holy shit!” Mia exclaimed. “What?” Barrett asked. Mia pointed at the screen “They have my favorite Azelaic Acid face cream for just two bucks! Do you know how expensive that stuff is?” Barrett grinned, “Oh I do. So…” “Ok sign us up. I guess we’re retiring early” ———
*Thump* “Barrett, wake up” Mia said, grabbing his shoulder. “I think something just hit the roof.” “What?” Barrett said, rubbing sleep from his eyes “Oh I think that’s the retirely thing”. “Why would it hit the roof?” Mia asked, still half asleep. She checked the time on her phone. Five AM. “You know these tech companies, babe, they deliver it by drone,” Barrett yawned “I’m sure it’s fine. I’ll get up there and grab it when we wake up.” They went back to sleep.
———
“What would we have done if we were actually old?” Barrett yelled into the house. “If we were older, just getting the welcome package might have been a risky endeavor” he said as he slid the ladder away in the garage. Mia opened the box. She found a high gloss poster that read, in enormous type Welcome to the best years of your life and had the familiar Retirely logo. Beneath it was a large packet. Mia flipped through the pages of extensive instructions for using the Retirely app. Every page printed on what looked like thirty two point font. They had figured out how to use the app the day they signed up. Mia threw the packet in the trash. Barrett came into the kitchen and reached into the box and pulled out a smaller booklet. He began to flip through it. He smiled up at Mia. “It’s just the same coupons from the app. Must be for our fellow members who are technologically challenged.” Mia reached into the box and felt something sharp. “Ow!” She pulled her hand out, and had a nick on her finger. “Something broke when they dropped it on the roof.” Barrett reached in carefully, and pulled out a curved triangular shard of ceramic. He grabbed the other piece of it, and put them together. It was a coffee mug that read “I’m Retired. Every day is Saturday!” “Well that’s a shame” Mia shifted her head to get a better look in the box. "Looks like there's one more bigger thing in there". Barrett reached in and showed it to Mia with a grin. A pill organizer, the kind with compartments for each day of the week. "Not their target audience!" they both said, smiling. Barrett put it on the counter and reached back into the box, pulling out a large bottle. "Men's Daily Multivitamin," he read, grinning. He twisted off the cap and shook two into his palm. "Might as well. Free vitamins."
"You don't even take vitamins," Mia said.
"I do now." He swallowed them dry and tossed the bottle on the counter.
Barrett took a smaller piece of paper from the box. Barrett took out his phone. “Here we go” he said, pointing the phone camera at the paper, scanning the QR code to activate their membership. “Ok, we’re in.” He said, “you’re gonna want to scan this on your phone too. Let’s go gas up the car.”
Two
Mia had heard of deals before. She had seen people use coupons. But this was incredible. Unheard of. Their membership had been active for less than six hours. There was a section in the app that showed their total savings so far. It read $342.98. They left the house that morning and filled the car with gas for seventy five cents per gallon. Then they got lunch. Barrett took a photo of their receipt, and his checking account was instantly credited back with half of what they had paid at the restaurant. Then they went to see a movie. Four dollars for movie tickets. Not each. Total. “This is what prices were like when today’s retirees were our age!” Barrett exclaimed as they left the theater. Next, they went grocery shopping. Seventy five percent off select frozen food, and a flat rate of thirty percent off everything else. The groceries that would likely last them two weeks came out to sixty eight dollars. Mia couldn’t wipe the smile from her face as they drove home. “How is this even possible?” “I know right?” Barrett replied “I see stuff all the time that claims to be like, a money cheat code, but this one”, He burped, “this one was actually legit.” Mia noticed a look of concern on Barrett’s face. “What’s wrong?” She asked. “Nothing, I’m fine. Just got a little nauseous there.” He replied, “Probably over ate at the restaurant.” He laughed.
———
Mia woke up to a guttural sound. “Barrett?” She asked into the darkness. “I’m in here, I’m fine” he replied between heaving sounds. “I just... had to throw up. Was probably something I ate.” Mia looked at her phone. Three AM. She got up and went to the bathroom. Barrett was sitting on the floor, his face near the toilet. He was pale and shaking a bit. “You sure you’re ok?” She asked. “I’ll be fine, just go back to sleep”. Barrett didn’t come back to bed. At eight, Mia went back to the bathroom. She sat on the edge of the bathtub, looking at her sick and in-denial husband. “This is so weird. We ate all the same things yesterday, didn’t we?” She ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah” Barrett said, burping. “Except…” Mia trailed off. “The vitamins!” She exclaimed.
Barrett looked up at her. "What?"
"The vitamins from the welcome box. You're the only one who took them." She was already walking to the kitchen. She came back with the bottle, squinting at the label. "Barrett, the expiration date on this is 2019."
"That can't be right."
"I'm calling Retirely."
—
The hold music was uncomfortably cheerful. When someone finally picked up, the voice was so aggressively friendly it was almost jarring.
"Hi! Thank you for calling Retirely! This is Summer, how can I make your day better?"
"Hi, Summer. So, we just joined Retirely and it's been amazing so far. The discounts and coupons have been incredible. But we had an issue with the welcome box.” “Alright I’m just looking up your account.” Summer said “Oh, I see you and your husband are young retirees.” There was a beat. “Is that… allowed?” Mia asked. “Yeah that’s fine! So tell me about the issue with the welcome box” Summer replied in her saccharine customer service voice. “These vitamins,” Mia started, “It looks like they expired?”
"Oh my goodness, I am SO sorry to hear that! Okay, I see you just activated two days ago, welcome to the Retirely family! And oh! Oh no. Okay, I see what happened here." Summer’s voice somehow got even more sympathetic. "Those vitamins were part of our Senior Wellness bundle. They're formulated for members over seventy. I have no idea how they ended up in your welcome package! This is completely our fault."
"He's really sick," Mia said. “I completely understand,” Summer chirped, “and again, on behalf of everyone here at Retirely, I do apologize for the mix up. Here is what I am going to do for you. I’m adding a two hundred dollar credit to your account.” “Wow, really?” Mia said into the phone, she held the microphone to her hand, and turned to Barrett and mouthed “two hundred dollars!” Barrett smiled wearily. “Yeah you should see that in your app… right… now” Summer added. Mia looked down at her phone, then back at Barrett giving him a thumbs up. “Oh thank you so much, Summer, you really didn’t have to-“ “Oh it’s my pleasure.” Summer replied promptly, “In fact, I am also going to upgrade you and Barrett to Retirely plus. No extra charge, and this will give you access to our concierge medical hotline, pharmacy discounts, and 24/7 priority customer service.”
“Oh thank you Summer” Mia said, looking down to Barrett with concern, “Should we call them now about his… symptoms?”
"The symptoms should pass within 24 hours.” Summer said, “It's just because his system isn't used to that particular formulation. But if he's not better by tomorrow evening, please use that medical hotline. Again, I cannot tell you how sorry we are. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"
"No, I think that's... that's it."
"Wonderful! Thank you so much for being a Retirely member, and we hope Barrett feels better soon! You two have a great rest of your day!"
The line went dead.
Mia sat on the bathroom floor next to Barrett. She opened the Retirely app. Their membership now had a little gold badge next to it that said "Premium Plus."
"They gave us money," she said quietly. "And upgraded us."
Barrett groaned. "Great. Worth it."
“She said you'll be better by tomorrow."
"Cool."
Mia looked at the vitamin bottle in her hand. The expiration date really did say 2019. She tossed it in the trash.
"Barrett?"
"Yeah?"
"That was weird, right?"
Barrett didn't answer. He'd fallen asleep against the bathtub.
Mia looked back at her phone. The savings counter had updated: $562.98. In two days.
She closed the app.
Three
Two weeks had gone by since the bad vitamins, and Mia had to admit to herself that Barrett’s crazy plan might have just worked. The lower financial stress had helped her better deliver to her clients, and she had new referrals for logos and web design coming in. It felt like they could finally breathe. Barrett used the Retirely discount to get professional headshots, attend some local networking events, and even had some leads coming in for his freelance consulting. For the first time since they bought the house, it really felt like they could do this.
They were buying more, but their monthly spending was down. Their savings, which had dwindled to almost nothing soon after Barrett left his job, was slowly growing again. On the Retirely app, their total membership savings so far read 3,419.26.
Mia had just finished a landing page for a client when she heard what sounded like a gunshot. “Barrett, babe! Everything alright?” Mia yelled from the living room. “I’m fine!” Barrett replied “I think our lawnmower is finally dead.” He appeared in the living room, looking down at his phone. “Retirely can have a new one to us later today.” He said, grinning, “guess how much it retails for?” Mia rolled her eyes, but smiled all the same. “A million dollars”. Barrett showed her his phone. A five thousand dollars. And Retirely had it marked down to $200. “I think we can dip into our savings for that, no?” Barrett asked.
Not more than an hour later they heard a loud humming noise.
Mia and Barrett looked up from their phones and at each other. “Is that the lawnmower? So fast.” Mia said.
“It’s those drones, babe.” Barrett replied, “They must have needed a bigger one this-“ Barrett was interrupted by a loud crashing noise.
They both rushed out through the garage. The giant wooden box was on its side, and a small chunk of their roof had been torn off. unlocked her phone and started dialing.
As Mia listened to the cheerful holding music, Barrett used a crowbar to open the box. “I think it’s ok, babe!” Barrett exclaimed, “They packed it in foam.” He looked up at their garage roof. “We might need some repair here though.
The hold music stopped. “Retirely customer support, This is June” just as chipper as the last. Mia watched her husband retrieve the lawnmower as she spoke into the phone on speaker. “Hi June, Mia here, I just wanted to let you all know about an issue with our last delivery” Mia said with growing anger. “Yes! Mia, was that the lawnmower? I am just seeing you got the Retirely plus priority same day delivery, what seems to be the problem? Did the lawnmower make it in tact?” June replied.
“Yeah June, the lawnmower seems fine” Mia looked at Barrett as he gave her a thumbs up. “But it took a chunk out of our roof on the way down” “Oh no! I am so sorry to hear that Mia. You know these drones, a little change in wind speed and things like this can happen. Can you send me a picture of the damage to your house via the in-app support file upload feature?” Mia walked out to the driveway and used her phone to take a few pictures of the damaged roof. “It’s uploading June, you should see it in-“ “Yes I am seeing it now” June said. “- a few seconds.” Mia said, rolling her eyes at Barrett as he removed foam pads from the bottom of his new toy. “Oh, Mia, let me just say on behalf of everyone here at Retirely I am so sorry about this drone error.” June bubbled, “we are going to send out a crew to fix that this weekend.” “Really?” Mia asked. “Is that standard protocol for this type of thing?” Seems like it would be a little loud.” “Oh it’s 100% included in your membership, and so is the weekend getaway.” June said. “What?” Mia asked. “That’s right! All inclusive stay in a cottage in Vermont for the two of you. Nine hundred dollar value. On us. Car service included!” June beamed. Barrett looked up at Mia, nodding his head. “Oh, ok, when do we leave?” Mia could feel the anger dissolving. The thought of a free vacation was just too good to question. “The car should be there to pick you up Friday morning at 10am. It’s warm in Vermont, and the cottage has a pool, so bring your swim suits. The cottage has hiking poles and climbing equipment if you want.”
“Cool. And your crew, will they need access to the house?” Mia asked. “Nope!” June intoned. “Based on these photos, they should just be able to repair the roof from the outside. Our structural team has assured me that the damage is mostly cosmetic. Will that be all for today Mia?” “Yeah, thanks”. Mia said. “Vermont?” Barrett asked. Mia nodded. “Pack your swimsuit”.
———
Barrett sat on the couch with his backpack next to him as Mia got ready. The car would be there soon, she knew. “Did you pack your swimsuit?” Mia asked. “Yup” Barrett said absently as he looked as his phone. “Oh that’s a shame”. “What? Mia said. “Thriftytheo died” Barrett said. “What?” Mia asked, walking towards Barrett. “He was so young! Like our age right?” “Yep,” Barrett said, turning his phone to show Mia a news article. The headline read: “Influencer dead in freak electrical fire”
“It really sucks” Barrett said. “Think about what our lives would be like if it wasn’t for him?”
They heard a car honk twice outside.
“That must be our driver” Mia said, grabbing the handle on her rolling luggage.
The car was one of the more recent Honda Civics.
Barrett rounded the car to meet the driver, then looked back at Mia. “Babe, check this out!” He yelled back. The car had no driver. In the driver’s seat was a device with several metal extensions coming from a central unit. “Hello, Barrett and Mia” The voice seemed to come from external speakers on the car. “My name is Beebo. I am here to drive you to Mount Anthony in beautiful Vermont.” The trunk of the car opened automatically. Mia was a little alarmed, but it’s not as if driverless taxis were unheard of. “Are you sure about this, Barret?” She asked “We don’t have to go, maybe we can get a different gift from them. We haven’t had the best experience with retiree’s automated vehicles.” “Babe what? No” Barrett said, “Drones are finicky, it’s the wind. There is so much more research and development for this kind of tech. It’s gonna be fine. Haven’t you always wanted to go to Vermont?” Mia sighed. “Yeah ok.”
The ride did not start great. The robot stopped very suddenly at what it thought was a child, but was actually just a stick. After that, it was better though. The robot got them out of town and onto the highway with no blatant errors or lapses in judgement.
“Isn’t this cool?” Barrett said with childlike wonder. “Yeah, I have to admit, this is pretty cool” Mia smiled, “I think I’m gonna nap.” Wake me up when we get to the mountains.”
———
Mia awoke to a feeling of wetness on her cheek.
Barrett was screaming“Mia? Babe? Get up we need to get out of here.”
There was water in the car. Mia thought that was funny as she rubbed her eyes.
Barrett turned to the cracked window “Help!” He cried.
They were in water. What the hell had even happened? Mia tried to clear the fog from her brain as she saw her husband taking his shirt off and wrapping it around his fist.
“Cover your eyes Mia” he said with adrenaline in his voice, “I’m gonna break the window.”
Mia covered her eyes and heard a loud shattering noise as water began to fill the back seat of the Honda Civic.
Barrett grabbed Mia and pulled her out of the open window. This really woke her up, and they both swam to the shore of the small lake.
They could see mountains on the horizon as the Honda Civic sank to the bottom of the lake.
They stood on the side of the road, Barrett held his thumb out, but they hadn’t seen another car yet.
“What happened?” Mia asked.
“Babe, it was crazy” Barrett said, his voice ragged, “We got off the highway maybe 30 minutes ago, and we’re driving right up here” he pointed up the road to where Mia could see skid marks, “The car just hit the brakes and veered off into the lake.”
A car drove up to them and stopped. The driver was a middle aged woman. Barrett approached her passenger window as it retracted.
"Hey! Thank you so much for stopping. Our car went in the lake, do you think you could get us to Pearl River?"
"Sure, I'm headed that way. Get in" the woman replied.
They climbed into the back seat, dripping lake water onto her upholstery.
"I'm so sorry about your seats," Mia said.
"Don't worry about it." The woman pulled back onto the road. "What happened? Car just go off?"
"It was one of those driverless ones," Barrett said. "Just... malfunctioned, I guess."
"Ah." The woman nodded knowingly. "Technology. My father was all about that stuff. Always signing up for the latest apps and services." She laughed softly. "He got on this retirement membership thing a few months ago. Retirely, I think? He was so excited about the discounts." Mia and Barrett exchanged a glance.
"Was?" Mia asked carefully.
"Oh. Yeah." The woman's voice softened. "He passed away about two weeks later. Heart attack. He was eighty-three, so... you know. It was his time." She glanced at them in the rearview mirror. "But he loved that service while he had it. Saved him a fortune on his prescriptions."
"I'm so sorry for your loss," Mia said quietly.
"Thank you. He had a good life." The woman turned her attention back to the road. "You two live in Pearl River?"
"Yeah," Barrett said. "Just off Main Street."
The rest of the ride passed in silence, Mia staring out the window while Barrett squeezed her hand. They arrived back at their home just after dark. Their garage roof was already fixed
Four
When they got inside, Mia got on her computer to order them new phones. “We’re paying full price.” She said sternly, “they’ll be here the day after tomorrow. Amazon won’t try to kill us.” Barrett huffed. “Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic? It was an accident.”
“It was four accidents, Barrett” Mia said. “They dropped the welcome package on the house, they poisoned you, they broke our roof, and then they drove us into a lake with that stupid driverless car!”
“Ok. Yes. But that was all through Retiree’s delivery and fulfillment services.” Barrett said, hands on his hips, “What if we just stay on for the gas and groceries? We could still do this, babe.”
Mia didn’t look up from the computer.
“Here, Look at this” she said, turning the screen towards Barrett.
It was a video from Thriftytheo, dated 2 days ago. He looked into the screen, smiling but with some nervousness. Hey thrifty gang! I just wanted to let you know about a whole nother great feature of Retirely! The partner provider network! These are doctors, veterinarians, plumbers, housekeepers and more, at hefty discounts. And if you have Retirely plus, like me? They are free. Just got my wiring redone by a Retirely-approved electrician. Scheduling was easy, and it was totally free. Stay Thrifty! “Barrett” Mia started, “That was the last video he made.”
“Ok, I’ll admit it’s shady with the timing,”Barrett said, “but we don’t have all the facts!”
“Yeah? How about this?” Mia asked, turning the screen back at her husband. It was a reddit thread.
The post title: “PSA: Be careful with 'Retirely' - shady practices?”
The article linked didn’t open, but the body of the post read: Just seeing a lot of younger people signing up for Retirely. I work for an investment bank and we just did due diligence on the company. They are hemorrhaging money, and no one at my work understands how their business model works. The membership is less than one tenth the value of what most members get from it. I have heard good things about the discounts, but I have heard their delivery service is glitchy. Anyone use it? What do you think about the membership? “Look at the comments, Barrett” Mia said.
“Whoa.” Barrett replied, “And all these accounts have been deleted?”
[deleted user] 2 points 4 months ago I signed up because of ThriftyTheo's video. Two weeks later my brakes failed. Retirely partner mechanic had just done an inspection the day before.
[deleted user] 5 points 4 months ago My partner hotel had a gas leak. Woke up feeling sick, couldn't think straight. The CO detector in the room wasn't working.
[deleted user] 8 points 3 months ago Guys I'm genuinely scared. Three 'accidents' in two months. All at Retirely partner locations or with partner products. I tried to cancel but I couldn’t afford to.
“Wait, What is that?” Mia said pointing to the last one “what did they mean?”
“Maybe like, the discounts?” Barrett replied.
She opened a new tab and went to the Retirely website. She signed in and clicked “live support”
A popup blinked onto the screen, with the Retirely logo and a sound wave animation. “Hello, Retirely support, this is Coral speaking.” The voice was as chipper as June. As chipper as Summer. “Am I speaking to Mia and and Barrett? How is Vermont?”
“Yeah about that,” Mia started, “we never made it to the cottage. Your car tried to kill us, Coral. It drove right into a lake, my husband had to break us out of the car, and we hitchhiked home.” “Oh I am so sorry to hear that,” Coral started, “you know what? I am going to set you two up with-“
“Hey. Coral” Mia interrupted, “I think we actually just want to cancel.”
There was a long pause.
“Are you, Are you sure about that?” Coral faltered.
“Yep.” Mia said, “Pretty sure. We are just not super jazzed with the life threatening situations. I think we’ll just go back to paying full price on gas.”
“Oh, ok” Coral sighed, “Let me transfer you to cancellations.”
The hold music came from the computer as Mia looked up at Barrett.
“We’ll figure this out, ok?” She said.
Barrett looked down. “I just really don’t want to go back to the office.” He straightened his shirt a bit, “But I will if I have to.”
The music ended mid melody and a new voice came on. Older, less energetic.
“Hello this is Holly, I understand you wanted to cancel your Retirely plus membership?” The voice said.
“Yes, hi holly” Mia said, grinning, “We would like to cancel effective immediately.”
“Have you already wired your cancellation fee?” Holly barked.
“No we haven’t.” Mia said. “How much is it? A couple hundred bucks?” There was a long pause. “Check your welcome packet.” Holly croaked. “So that’s the thing, Holly,” Mia started, weaponizing her own customer service voice, “We don’t have our onboarding paperwork. Can you just tell us how much the cancellation fee is?” “I’m sending you a link through the online portal.” Holly said curtly. “Call back when you’ve paid up and we can talk cancellation”.
The line went dead.
A message box opened up with a link. Mia clicked to download the PDF of their onboarding paperwork.
She searched the document for cancellation terms.
Barrett sighed, eyes glazing over, “They really make this a pain, maybe we should think about-“ “Here it is.” Mia interrupted. “Cancellation fee… home equity... Oh fuck”
“What? How much is it?” Barrett asked.
Mia pulled up a calculator app on her laptop. “Barrett, if we cancel. They can take the house.”
“What?” Barrett exclaimed. “How is that even legal?”
“They have our e-signatures from when we signed up. The cancellation fee is tied to the value of the house. It comes out to forty seven thousand dollars given our mortgage terms and the house’s current market-“
As Mia spoke, their power went out.
“-value” Mia said.
Five
“Our phones should get there later today” Mia said. “What is the power company saying?” Barrett wiped his eyes with sleep. They had stayed in the car that night. Mia didn’t want to take any chances.
“Huh?” Barrett said, staring absently at his laptop screen. “Oh, they said there is no issue on their end. They can’t send a technician until Monday.”
“Monday?” Mia looked up from her laptop. They were in the parking lot of a nearby coffee shop so they could get on the wifi. “That’s the day after tomorrow. What are we supposed to do?”
“Yeah” Barrett rubbed his face “I said it was an emergency. They said that if it is reading normal on their end, it’s not an emergency. Y’know, I bet Retirely could send someone out in just a few-“
“No” Mia interrupted. She had stayed awake most of the night reading through the terms and conditions they signed less than 3 weeks ago. “Sorry, I’m just a little on edge.” “Understandable” Barrett yawned.
One passage in the cancellation terms kept replaying in Mia’s mind.
"In the event of total property loss due to fire, flood, natural disaster, or other act of God..."
“Maybe we just go to a hotel?” Barrett asked, “Just wait it out. We’ll get our phones later today, stay 2 nights and the technicians will come to the house on Monday”
“A Retirely partner hotel?” Mia asked. “No, probably not” Barrett answered.
“Why don’t we just go home?” Mia asked, “If the house is still safe, we’re probably okay until Monday.”
“Are you serious?” Barrett questioned.
"I mean, it's daytime. And maybe, just maybe we're being a little paranoid." Mia kept her voice casual, reasonable. "ThriftyTheo's fire happened at night. If something's wrong with our electrical, we'd see smoke, smell something. We could wait there for the phones, then decide what to do."
“I don’t know, Mia” Barrett said, barely putting up a fight.
"Barrett." She reached over and took his hand. “We can't live in our car. And we can't afford a hotel. Let's just go home, get the phones, and figure this out. Maybe you're right. Maybe there's another way."
“You really think so?” He asked, searching her face.
“I think…” She trailed off, “I think we’re tired, and sleep deprived, and not thinking straight. We’ll get to the house and sleep in shifts, just for the weekend.” The lies came easily. She squeezed his hand. "Let's just go home."
———
Their house looked completely normal and unthreatening. The newly repaired roof shingles gleamed in the morning light. The suburban dream they had shared for so much of their lives, had finally come true just two years earlier.
The lawnmower sat in its box in the driveway partially unwrapped, foam padding scattered around it.
When they got inside, Barrett tried the light switch. “Power’s still out” he said as Mia walked towards the sunlit kitchen.
“That’s weird” Mia said.
“What?” Barrett asked.
He came into the kitchen and saw her pointing to the microwave. The clock was on, blinking, frozen at around the time they arrived back the previous night, waiting to be set.
Barrett tried moved toward an outlet with his laptop charger.
“Wait!” Mia exclaimed, but it was too late. He plugged it in and his phone began charging.
“It works.” Barrett said, shocked, “and our wifi is back on. Doesn’t really make sense, right?”
“None of this makes sense” Mia retorted. She walked to the kitchen window, looked out at their backyard. The grass was getting long. "You know what? Why don't you try out the new lawnmower? The grass needs it anyway. I’ll figure out which of the outlets work.”
Barrett looked at her like she was insane. "You want me to mow the lawn right now? What happened to sleeping in shifts?”
“I’ll be ok for an hour or so” Mia replied warmly “We’re just waiting for our phones right? We’ll sleep in shifts once they get here. Besides, you were so excited about the lawnmower, five thousand dollar retail value, might as well get our money’s worth”
"Mia,” Barrett started.
"I'm serious. Go. I'll watch for the delivery." She needed him outside. Needed him away. "It'll be good to do something normal. Clear your head."
Barrett hesitated. He looked around and shrugged “Yeah okay. You’re right.” He looked around as if the room had a crowd, smiling “Public service announcement! My wife is correct, yet again!”
Mia waited until she heard the garage door open, heard him wrestling with the packaging. Then she moved. Once Barrett had gone past the threshold on his way to the backyard, she headed to the garage. She grabbed the Gas can they had kept for the old lawnmower. She climbed the stairs to the second floor. The attic access was in the hallway ceiling. She pulled down the ladder, climbed up into the dim space.
The repair crew had been up here. She could see the new work. Fresh lumber where the drone had crashed through, new wiring running along the joists. She touched one of the wires. It was warm. Not hot, but warm. In a house with no power.
She unscrewed the cap on the gas can and started pouring. Outside, she heard the lawnmower roar to life. Barrett would be out there for another half hour. Maybe more.
Mia poured the gas, starting with a generous amount on the new wiring. She took the can down the ladder and poured more gas on the second floor. She stood at the top of the stairs, looking down at their house. The photos on the wall—their wedding, their families, their life. The paint colors they'd chosen. The floors they'd refinished.
She finished the can in the downstairs by the living room. She grabbed her and Barrett’s laptops as she ambled into the kitchen, turning the stove on and blowing out the flame. She reached into the cupboard and grabbed some matches.
She made her way to the front door to take one final look. Two years of mortgage payments. Every dollar they'd saved for the down payment.
She struck the match.
She walked casually around the side of the house as smoke began to emerge from the downstairs window. Once she rounded the corner she started running, yelling to Barrett.
"Barrett!" Mia's scream cut through the sound of the lawnmower. "Barrett, fire! Stay there!”
He killed the engine, looked up. Smoke was pouring from the second-floor windows.
“Oh my god!” He started running towards the house but Mia stopped him with a firm palm to his chest.
“It’s too late” she said.
The windows burst as Mia and Barrett covered their heads. Glass and roof shingles flew almost as far out as the end of the yard.
———
The firefighters were still spraying water on the decrepit pile of wood and concrete when the amazon delivery van showed up. Mia signed for the package.
She activated her new phone and dialed the number. It was seared into her memory. She put it on speaker phone.
“Is this really the time to call them, babe?” Barrett said, confused.
“We’re finishing this” Mia said with determination. The holding music stopped.
“Retirely, this is Ray speaking how may I help-“ the voice started. Lilting and cheerful as ever.
“Cancellations.” Mia interrupted, “Put me through to cancellations”
The transfer was almost instantaneous.
“Hello, you’ve reached Retirely cancellations department.” The voice said slowly, almost lethargically “This is Noel. How can I help you?”
“Hi Noel. Mia here.” Mia said with confidence “We’re ready to cancel.”
“Just looking up your account, I’m sorry this must be a mistake” Noel stammered, “are you sure you have the right account number?”
“Yep.” Mia replied.
There was another long pause. “But our records show that you and your husband are-“ Noel started.
“Deceased?” Mia said. “Nope. But we’ve paid our cancellation fee.”
Barrett looked at her with confusion, Mia nodded and mouthed “I’ll explain”.
“That’s impossible.” Noel scolded “the contract clearly states-“
“I read your fucking contract, Noel, It’s very clear about cancellations. The fee is tied to our home equity. Our home’s value. I can assure you, our home is now basically worthless. But you knew that. You just didn’t know that we left before it burned down.”
“You seem to know our terms quite well Mia”, Noel said with a smug tone “you have unlocked fee-free cancellation. Press the pound sign on your phone to verify.”
Mia shoved her thumb against the phone and with a beep, a robotic voice started “Thank you for choosing Retirely. Please stay on the line for a quick survey.” Mia ended the call.