Xuebing Du

@theartofmadeline
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let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open

titsay
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YOU ARE THE REASON
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
One Nice Bug Per Day

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@sexistobeexpected
Ups & Downs, mostly downs.
Just like anyone else, I have days where I feel good and days where it seems that I’m in a dark, dark tunnel with absolutely no light at the end. I can’t tell you how it plays on your emotions to have one good day and then one bad day, a good day and then a bad day. Over and over again. Destined to repeat itself. I can’t remember the last time I had a streak of good days.
I started a second job to keep me busy. Busy is good. Busy is where I don’t have to think about how shitty I’ve turned out. How I’ve gone back to exactly what my friends feared I would.
It’s been hookup after hookup after hookup. Scary, torturous, dangerous. Not even thrilling anymore. It’s like I actually don’t give a shit what happens to me. And you know what? On those bad days…I don’t. I’ll lay down on the hotel bed wishing that he’d just choke me to death. That maybe this time I won’t live long enough to regret this decision. But I always do. I always drive away from the situation smelling like gross sex and hating myself for letting men use the way that they do.
Yesterday, one of my rapists contacted me. As soon as I saw the message pop up, I felt like I had been dunked in ice water. I couldn’t move. For…hours afterwards it felt like I hadn’t moved. That man gets to go about his day as if nothing were wrong. I get to go home and find any way I can to escape from the pain. Alcohol. Cutting. Sleeping. But I will never escape it.
My therapist begs me each time I go in there to consider a 12 Step. What’s the point? I don’t feel as if I’ll recover before I die. I might as well put myself to good use and let someone have fun with my body.
I wish that things weren’t like this. I wish I cared. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. This was supposed to be fun. This was supposed to be on outlet. It’s not anymore. It’s consumed every bit of me, body, mind and soul.
I miss him. Every fucking day I miss him. I’ve had man after man after man fill my body with theirs, but no one will ever be able to touch my heart as he did. His voice. His laughter. His advice. His dumb jokes. The perfect way that my hand fit in his. With each passing day that we don’t speak, I hope that he is getting better. I want him to be happy. I want him to play his music and make art and have fun with his friends and find love again. All I’ve ever wanted was for him to be happy. And if that means that I’m miserable, so be it.
Suicide watch 2015.
I believe that the only reason I'm still here is because I help people. All that I do is help others. I kind of feel like Robin Williams. When is enough, you know? When you're the one hurting. All the time I think about how people say that suicide is selfish because all we do is hurt the ones that we leave behind. But when you really think about it...do they really want us living in pain? People who don't have depression in their life can not possibly understand the daily struggle of TRULY getting out of bed. Taking a shower. Going about daily activities like everything is peachy keen. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do and all it feels like is draining your life force even more. Like when people are on their death bed trying to talk. What do you tell them? To rest. To save up every little bit of energy so that you can have just one second longer with them. It's selfish and mean. All that I want is peace in my life. The kind where my heart doesn't hurt anymore. I'm back to feeling exactly how I felt a year ago. Right before I wrote that note. Right before I was committed. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of pretending like everything is okay when it's not. I'm tired of everyone acting like I mean something to them when I no longer mean what I want to the man that I love. It will never get better. It will never get easier. I wish everyone would stop telling me that. I've already spent so much of my energy trying to make it go away. He'll always be there. I'll always be His. Even though He doesn't want me anymore. The only wish that I have for myself is that I'll hear His voice one last time. "I love you, Pumpkin."
Homework for Daddy
Call Your Babygirl to say “Goodnight.” Babygirl loves hearing your voice. It calms her down and allows her to sleep better. Also hearing Daddy tell her to go to sleep helps her know that it really is bedtime.
Tell Your Babygirl if she’s going overboard. Babygirl knows that sometimes she exaggerates. Sometimes she just needs your help, your guidance, to put her back into her place. Be stern when you need to be, Daddy. I’ll understand.
Share things with Your Babygirl. Babygirl LOVES learning things about her Daddy. She is always eager for information. Whether it’s something that happened during your day or a story about a past experience of yours, share things with her. She’ll get real excited to learn something new about you!
Don’t use the word “buddy.” Ever, ever, ever!
Don’t call your bed “dumb.” Your bed is so comfy! Babygirl would sleep in it every single night with you if she could.
Don’t ever text and drive. No matter who it’s from or what the content matter is, it can always wait. A safe Daddy = a happy Babygirl.
Don’t ever keep things from Your Babygirl. Babygirl may seem fragile, but she assures you that she is not. Don’t ever think that you’re being mean or insensitive by telling her things that she may not want to hear. She’s a big girl and can handle anything that you could possibly tell her. She would rather you tell her something straightforward (maybe with a sugar chaser) than to dally about and try to skirt the issue.
Let Your Babygirl know when you play. Babygirl is well aware that Daddy does not have to ask permission to play like Babygirl has to ask Daddy, but Babygirl loves knowing that Daddy is going to play/playing/played. She always loves to hear that Daddy is hard, thinking about her, or just in the mood for “cake.”
Kiss Your Babygirl often. Our time together is precious, Daddy! Whenever you are with Babygirl, kiss her as often as you can! She’ll treasure each one as if each of them were signed, sealed, and delivered to her doorstep individually, wrapped in cute paper and tied with a cute bow! She loves your kisses so, so much!
Think of Your Babygirl when you look up at the stars. Know that every night she falls asleep staring at the stars on her ceiling thinking about you, wishing for you. For you to be there with her. For you to hold her. For you to kiss her forehead and then whisper sweet things to her as she falls asleep.
That’s it for now, Daddy. I think that these are some pretty basic, simple things for you to remember and follow. I can’t wait to continue to learn and grow with you. Our relationship strengthens each and every day. We continue to find out new things about each other. We continue to find out how each other works. We continue to test limits and boundaries. The most important thing for us to remember is to just have fun! I don’t ever want us to lose that, Daddy. We’re too cute to be boring!
working really hard to make sure this is what she experiences with me……
exoticeroticminx
I can't believe this made it to 2,000. I want to cry and then punch all of you cute ass lovey dovey DD/lg people in the face.
Not really though.
I’m so mad I could spit. But I won’t. Because that’s not ladylike.
Last night was bad. Real bad. I had to break it off with my FWB because I was getting too attached. We had breakup milkshakes. It should have been cute, but it isn’t. There’s always an underlying issue that I feel will never be resolved. Daddy.
Each and every time I go through a breakup, it feels as if it’s our breakup over and over and over again. I don’t think that I’ll ever truly get past it.
Today while sitting at work doing nothing, I got on Tinder. I think, “well, I can cure the depression by digging straight into my addiction and finding a hookup.” Brilliant, right?? I swiped a few times, and there he was. Daddy. He even had the photo that he posted that he took for me. My heart sank.
So there I sat all alone in my office replaying everything in my head. Remembering how much it hurts to see a ladybug or eat bacon or go to bed on time. Remembering how comforting each and every “goodnight” and “good morning” text was. His soothing voice. How much he loved to go on walks. To see me get excited seeing a new bug or puffy clouds. I barely remember the sex anymore. That’s not what this is about. I go through everything WISHING that I could go back to the night that he got out of his car with cheesecake. How I would do everything all over again if I could.
It breaks my heart that things have come to this. Not speaking to one another. I know that it’s hard on him, and I wish that there was something that I could do. But it seems that I’m destined to be a saddening, disarray of a force in people’s lives instead of the loving, funny, quirky one I try to be.
I'm going to go throw up now.
And then also!
Long time no see! Wondered how you've been doing. Two guys? Back to the slutty ex-virgin?
Haha for real! I've missed you too, Sterndaddy! Things are getting...interesting. Stay tuned!!
I’ve got one that plays with my stuffies and another that takes me to lunch. I’m a very lucky girl.
Last night I took a chance.
Saturday August 8, 2015
I pulled up to their house nervous as hell. He welcomed me outside the front door, and had me put my things down before I got to meet the pups. Wally and Eva. (Yes, the spelling is intentional. Yes, I know.) Then I met the fiancé. I liked her immediately. He gave me a tour of the house, showed me all of the rooms, one of which he called “The Magic Room” before we went downstairs. We sat on the couch for a bit, where I wasn’t ever completely concentrated on ‘Big Bang Theory.’ They squabbled about the hookah. They called each other “babe.” It was cute. Finally, but not before I got a drink, we got into the hot tub.
It was warm and comfortable, but I was still nervous. He could tell. I didn’t talk much. I told him that I was listening to gather information. She talked a lot. Mostly about her playtime around where they used to live. Her men. Her boyfriends. I kept looking back and forth. Part of my mind freaked, feeling like she was talking to me and he was overhearing all of this. But he’d laugh and ask her things and tell her things, and it was…relieving. I’d never been in a situation like this before.
After an hour of hot tubbing, she got out. She said she wanted to go to bed, but we joked because he had just bought her a new Hitachi. I told him that I liked her. He told me about how they met, which was so sweet. He asked me questions. Most of which were hard, and I avoided…hard. No one had tried to ask me things like that since The Bug Doctor, Daddy. Therapy in the hot tub. Maybe I should find a therapist who does that kind of work? He said he’d do it for free. Our biggest debate was on why I chose to wear a bathing suit. Clothing was optional in the hot tub, and he made sure I knew it. Because I chose to wear a suit, they suited up as well. I was thankful. I probably would have been even more nervous if they hadn’t.
After another hour, the lights in the hot tub turned out. He told me not to touch anything, and came over to turn them back on. That’s when he kissed me. I could instantly feel my body melt. I was insanely attracted to this man. He asked me if I felt better because that was over with, and I said “yes.” We continued to talk a little bit before he stood up and pulled out his cock. He said he was “just getting it over with.” It was a very nice size, considering it was soft. (I love soft cock, but I rarely get to be around it.) He told me to touch it, and I did. Then he sat back down. We talked some more. Then, he said that I might as well pull out my breasts. He said that there were two options. I could do it. Or he could. I just sat there. Nooooo way was I that bold. (Not anymore. I’ve lost my touch.) After another song started, he made his way through the water and took one out. I thought he was just going to touch it. Nope. His mouth went straight to it. I threw my head back and tried so hard to stifle my moans. He did the same thing to the other one, and I tried so, so hard not to cum.
We got out and made our way to the den. He asked me what I wanted to watch and I said that I wanted something funny and that I had already seen. I didn’t want to have to pay attention to something new. We chose ‘The 40 Year Old Virign’…. for about 5 minutes before I confessed that I had never seen ‘Blazing Saddles.’ He turned that on instead.
I cuddled up to him, and I was surprised at how comfortable I was. He kept running his hand all over my chest. My body begged for him to do more. The movie was funny, and I was enjoying myself. Then, he started going under my bathing suit and massaging my breasts. He found out quickly that I have inverted nipples, but that didn’t stop him from squeezing. My body bucked under his touch. I wanted more. A lot more. He kept whispering “say it.” I was breathing heavily and moaning and squirming around, but no words came out. After awhile I could see him out the corner of my eye touching is cock. God, I wanted it.
At one point I couldn’t take it any longer. I needed to feel him. So I reached around and grabbed and stroked him while he continued his torture on my breasts. I angled my head so that I could lick the head. It got long enough so that I could suck it. He ran his fingers over my lips, and I parted them. I ran my tongue over the pad of his finger before taking it into my mouth and sucking. Fuck, it was hot. When I really couldn’t stand it, I rolled over and began to take him in my mouth. God, he tasted good. I’ve missed everything about blow jobs. The feel of it growing in my mouth, getting harder. The feel of that specific kind of skin against your tongue. The taste of precum as it leaks from the tiny hole at the top. His balls were wonderful. The perfect size to be taken into my mouth. I could have stayed down there forever. He kept making me come back up to kiss him. I hope that he was every bit excited as I was.
For the finale, he laid on the couch, and I got between his legs. He kept telling me to go all the way down and tongue his balls, but I could barely do it. Gosh, I’m so out of practice. “Do you want your reward.” I “mhmm'ed” and he let go. I felt his cock pump as he filled my mouth completely full. I kept playing after he’d cum, but nothing like I usually do. I stroked him softly as he went down, and then cleaned us up with a towel.
We went back to the movie, and I felt so much better. I laid against him and felt his breathing return to normal. Right as the funny movie set crashing happened, I texted him and said “I’ve missed good tasting cum.” As soon as he read it he said “you can say that out loud, you know.”
The movie ended, and I gathered my things. We headed upstairs for the final goodbye. I grabbed my keys and the dogs began to bark. He walked me back to the door, kissed me, and told me that he was text me tomorrow. I walked to my car and headed home. The whole ride home I was consciously aware of how wet I was. I got into bed and couldn’t fall asleep for ages. When I woke up, my mouth still tasted like cum. Sometimes, taking a chance and doing something you wouldn’t normally have done pays off. It pays off really well.
If you could only have done what I asked you to do...
Everything would be different if you would have said "yes." We could be happy right now. I could be happy.
Until the day I die, I will choose you.
All I want is someone who will stay, no matter how hard it is to be with me.
(via makemestfu)
This.
(via mommys-pretty-princess)
I'm trying, but I miss him a lot.
It’s time.
Just a warning to my followers...
I am planning on retiring this blog soon. It will remain up, but no longer active. It's time that I move on.
Of course, I will be alerting you to the name of the new blog. Thank you all for being so supportive over this last year and a half. You guys are the best!
I have the cutest stories on Snapchat. Everyone should add me. istobeexpected
My favorite feeling in the world. I just feel so safe and so at home in his arms. Like nothing else matters but his skin against mine and the matching rhythm of the beating of our hearts.