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Hi I'm Alex, I am a teacher. I'm trying to recover from an Eating disorder. Currently struggling with that. I deal with anxiety and depression. I do not promote eating disorders. Always here to talk!

[shatteredspirit72]

How have I let myself get this fat

[cowpokeprose]

You hate yourself so loudly. You hate yourself at the top of your lungs. Your loathing for yourself permeates your speech. “Sorry I’m just rambling.” “Don’t worry about it.” “Just ignore me.” “Sorry if I’m annoying you.” “Sorry I don’t make sense.” “Sorry about that.” Sorry, sorry, sorry. You act as if you have to beat everyone else to the punch. As if the punching bag is you. If you hate yourself first, if you hate yourself loudest, then nobody will hurt you. You clapped your hands over your ears and shut your eyes and balled yourself up so that you’d never have to experience people’s loathing for you. And it meant you never heard their love. You drowned it out. You screamed your hatred over it. And you never got to hear it. 

[depresseddisneyprincess]

[shatteredspirit72]

I have become so fat and I’m so sad and depressed and just so depressed and it’s hard to do anything because I’m so depressed but then I’m fat because I’m not doing anything and just get more depressed. 😭😭

[smilesonmyface-deactivated20200]

anyone else get really self conscious when someone else eats less than you?

[palemyg]

It’s kind of funny how now that when I don’t eat, my mums quick to scream about how I’ll ‘get sick’ yet she was fine bullying me as a child about my weight and doesn’t even realise she’s the whole reason I’m like this now

[shatteredspirit72]

An old friend I found out went to treatment and my fucked up brain got jealous I fucking hate myself literally all I can think is why aren't you that skinny you fuck up and I'm a horrific awful human and I hate myself

[asking-jude]

She builds others up because she knows what it’s like to be torn down.

Unknown (via asking-jude)

[disforderma]

A couple things I’ve learned

just for some babes who may find them useful

1) This shit

Self-adhesive medical tape is one of my new favorite things. I wrap it around the tips of my fingers like a thimble type deal. It doesn’t stick to your skin but stays on your fingers; you can type with it on, and it’s imfuckingpossible to pick while wearing it. You can get a buttload for $12 on amazon here.

2) These fuckers

Look dumb? Heck yeah they do. I use them for mirrors, ‘cause we all know how tricky those are. They occupy both your hands, you can twist them into shapes like the 5-year-old you are, and if both your hands are playing with it, they aren’t skimming your face. You can buy three for $10 here.

3) Whatever the fuck these are

don’t even know what to call them tbh; my therapist gave them to me and I use them while at the computer. You roll them around on your fingers and the spikes sting ever so slightly so be careful if you regularly pick your fingers, but the sensation replaces the sensation you might expect from picking and keeps you aware of your hands so they don’t stray to your skin like the sneaky fuckers they are. You can get a pack of ten for $10 here.

I’ll update with more later on, but these are the main ones I’ve had real success with. The trick is to use them consistently around your typical trigger areas or situations where you pick the most often, so your brain learns to associate those things with the fidget and not with picking. As always, if anyone else has tricks or fidgets that really work for them, don’t hesitate for a nanosecond to add on. Happy healing, you gorgeous little shits you!

[sarahhmckinley]

[shatteredspirit72]

Everyday it creeps in a little more Till it has you in its hold Screaming, without sound Grasping you down to the soul Everyday it gets a little darker Will it ever go Crying, without tears Mocking your sorrows Everyday it hurts you a little more Till it claws through you Bleeding, inside and out Grinning at your pain Everyday I want to live less Staring at my scars Alone, in silence Lost in my suffering.

[spilledmybubbletea-deactivated2]

[thecraftylittlewitch]

Stop scrolling for a moment and breath in and out 10 times, along with this GIF.

[wavvvvvvvvves]

Take a deep breath with it.

[shatteredspirit72]

1 am.. racing thoughts

Food, fuck food, fuck eating, fuck weight, fuck my fat, never eating again why did I even eat tonight, I should have thrown up after I ate or at least taken laxatives. Maybe I will tomorrow, but I have work and I can’t get sick at work I’m supposed to be a role model. I’m not supposed to struggle. But why would anyone even think I’m struggling look at me I’m huge. I’m never eating again. I. Cant wait for my parents to go on vacation. Then no one will force me to eat I’ll be able to eat nothing. I need to step on the scale right now-but I ate so then I’ll cry and want to cut myself even more. I can’t cut myself I work with children they’ll see I can’t let them see. I want to sleep. But I’m so awake and anxious I need to do something maybe I’ll exercise, maybe I’ll cut, I need a release. I need something. I need safety. The other day I nicked my ankle in the shower, I didn’t mean to and I didn’t even notice, till the tub was painted red. I didn’t mean to but it felt so good. Something is wrong with me.

[shatteredspirit72]

Tw: I constantly bring myself back to this point where I can't sleep because all I can think about is how hungry I am and that I wish I could eat.

[shatteredspirit72]

Why do I search for triggers?