I Can Be Whoever You Want

Designer|| Musician || Diva Welcome to the blog of Elliott Gilbert, though you might know me as Starchild. I'm a New Yorker and live with my boys. And we're gunna take the music world by storm. Proudly dating Kurt Hummel. Bitches better be jealous. Any and all pronouns are okay.

[badgirldaniharper]

I haven’t thought of a color yet, kinda want to do something bold like when I dyed my hair pink or blue.

[shining-starchild-blog]

Oooh. Well, I kind of vote blue, if it means anything. I mean, I'd say fuck it and do both, but I don't think that'd look good, even on you.

[adamn-crawford]

Private:

[adamn-crawford]

Yeah yeah. It’s a good job I like you otherwise you would have your key removed from your person swiftly. I love my boys though, as troublesome as they can be.

[shining-starchild-blog]

Now, here's a question for you. Well two, actually. Do you really think you can actually get your key back? And why do they get to be your boys, but you got pouty when I called Freddie my soul mate, huh?

[shining-starchild-blog]

@Shining-Starchild: So Mikey came home and saw me like this tonight... Apparently it needed to be documented. #whoknew #surprise? (Via Instagram)

[badgirldaniharper]

So kinda tempted to dye my hair..not sure if I should go for it though. It’s been awhile since I last done something with it and think its time for a change.

[shining-starchild-blog]

You should. I mean, c'mon girl, who doesn't love a little hair dye in their lives. What colors are you thinking?

[adamn-crawford]

Private:

[adamn-crawford]

If you really want me to ban you from coming around to visit them I would stop there.

[shining-starchild-blog]

What? Come on, Adam. Haven't we already established Freddie's my pet soulmate? I'm just saying...I'm probably right.

[shining-starchild-blog]

Turning Points || Solo Para

Characters: Elliott Gilbert

Date: October 4th, 2014

Location: The Reynolds-Mitchel-Gilbert Apartment

He didn't know how long he'd been staring at his bed, unmoving, rigid and tense. Or rather, how long he'd been staring at the space underneath it, where he knew the tote of his things was hidden. He'd found it in Jamie's room, hidden away in case Elliott ever decided he wanted that part of himself back, and courtesy of Adrian and Jamie's conspiring. 

Logically, it made perfect sense that they'd do it. They knew Elliott well, knew the things about himself that Elliott could never say. Sure, maybe they didn't know what would come of it, but they'd left that door open in case he ever found himself again.

He'd taken his things back for that reason alone, because they were his. But he was afraid of them. They'd been eating at him, and now, Elliott was at a loss of what to do. He was terrified in every way, of what the tote held. But he couldn't stop thinking about it, either.

It didn't help, that Supernova was a thing, now. Elliott had never really performed properly as himself. He hadn't performed as anything but Starchild, and it was painful, considering it. He could record as Elliott, he could do whatever he wanted in the studio, as Elliott. But on stage? Could he do it?

Did he even want to?

He could perform as he was, get on stage without the makeup and the clothes that made him. He could continue denying that part of himself. It would feel wrong, but he could do it without risking a breakdown, he hoped. He could try it, at least.

Or, he could stop all of this now. He could put an end to the chaos and give in to who he was. For the first time in over four months, he could give in to who he was. He could brave his fears and let the person he really was shine through.

He could be Elliott again. All of him. The fluid and flashy person that he'd been for years. He'd been brave enough to do it as a child, he'd been doing it for a decade, before all of this had happened. Who was he, that he would still let it stop him now?

Why couldn't he get a handle on his fear?

The last time he'd dared to present in a more feminine way than usual, he'd feared that he and Blaine would die. When they'd survived, he'd thought he would never really be Elliott again, not really. Now that he was almost back to normal, it felt better. It felt right.

But he didn't feel whole.

He missed that feeling. He missed looking at himself in the mirror and liking what he saw. It had been months since he'd felt that way. Since he'd been happy, or even comfortable in his own skin.

But what was the cost of trying once more?

His hands shook at the thought and Elliott made himself focus on everything he'd learned in therapy. Everything he'd gone over was supposed to be for this. The goal was to live life as he once had...Wasn't it?

So why couldn't he do this? What was wrong with him?

The answer was everything, of course. At the end of the day, that was the problem. Everything was wrong with him.

It was time to change that. 

With that thought in mind Elliott forced himself to take one step forward, and then another. He could do this. 

Four months ago, he'd had his breakdown. Four months ago, the sight of himself in the mirror had made him sick.

Elliott knew it wouldn't be easy. He knew his clothes would stay in the closet for a while longer. He knew he wasn't about to make any massive changes. He certainly wouldn't just dress in drag.

But he could do baby steps, he decided as he snapped the tote open. He wouldn't go all out. But a little eye shadow, or maybe some makeup. That wouldn't kill him, right?

Shaking his head at the choice of words, Elliott reached for a few things with hands that trembled and stood, making his way to the bathroom. He could do this. He was Elliott Gilbert, 

He was unstoppable.

[moi-kurt-hummel]

Today is not an ordinary day

[moi-kurt-hummel]

That sounds so much like us. Happy anniversary munchkin man. 

[shining-starchild-blog]

Munchkin man? Have you missed the fact that I'm taller than you?

[adamn-crawford]

Private:

[adamn-crawford]

Just because you work like that, doesn’t mean he does. Still, if I put him on Elliott grounding, I would have to put up with him, Watson and you giving me puppy dog faces constantly and I am not sure it is worth it.

[shining-starchild-blog]

Yeah but I bet he does, and I bet you're not willing to risk it. Just admit that I know Freddie better than you do, man. And he will cause total chaos, if you try to keep us apart.

[badassmack-blog]

If you can’t find the words, maybe you could put it into chords? That’s the right word, correct? I mean sometimes you can express your emotions through the sounds and the way you play, and let the music do all the talking for you. To be honest, when I was first starting out, when I fell I did freeze up, but, after awhile I learned that just because you could fall flat on your face doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do something. I’m not saying be fearless, a little bit of fear can be healthy. But, I’m pretty sure you didn’t use that in the fear aspect, but the “what if I can’t do this justice and do more harm then good” aspect. Which I get, trust me, I don’t only feel that dancing. That strangely doesn’t surprise me, but, I’m glad to hear they’re doing good. 

It’s totally okay if it strays from the safe for work border, trust me, I’m sure whatever you draw won’t be as bad as some of the stuff my friends draw. Sunday sounds good to me! Sounds like the perfect way to end the weekend.

[shining-starchild-blog]

Yeah, that's the right word for it. It's just...It's a lot of variables. I think I might just have to suffer in silence for a bit and deal with it. It's just...definitely a weird thing. But that's kind of what I'm forcing myself to remember. Shit can happen, but that shouldn't stop me from doing things it just kind of is. It's all kinds of fucked up, and I hate it. It's not that I'm afraid of you know, not doing it justice. Just that it'll happen again, or something like that, and I hate it.. The thought of shit going bad again is fucking driving me crazy.

Sounds good, then. I mean, you know me. I'm always happy to amuse you then, and I'm kinda cool with not being the worst, either. I'm definitely looking forward to this, though. Nothing like an evening with you to make fucking amazing after all.

[badgirldaniharper]

I’m probably going to do that with the drummer I get, which I’m sure won’t be to hard to convince. Cause I mean come on who can say no to this face? It’s going to be Monday at the diner around 4.

[shining-starchild-blog]

Nah, not at all. I mean, find a good drummer and life is good. Plus I mean, you're right, of course. You're far too awesome for your own good which makes you convincing. Monday at 4. I'll do my best to be there...And tell you if something comes up.

[adamn-crawford]

Private:

[adamn-crawford]

There is no ‘spot’ for Freddie in the fridge. Stop looking so amused, god I hate you sometimes. He is far too like you for his own good. Maybe I should put him on ‘Elliott grounding’ where in he has to take a break from you to work himself out of these bad habits.

[shining-starchild-blog]

Nope. If you put him on Elliott grounding then he's naturally going to make himself more of a pest and shit until you cave. That's how people like me and Freddie work, don't you doubt that. Besides, his habits aren't bad, just quirky as all fuck.

[tanasnix-lopez]

And that’s the way it should be, really. I’d say I was jealous but I’m not doing too bad in that department myself. 

[shining-starchild-blog]

Well then, guess that's all that matters then. Not that it's shocking we're both getting laid...But it's always good to know the world is working as it should.

[moi-kurt-hummel]

Today is not an ordinary day

And it certainly won’t be one by the end of the day. So go ahead. Wish the happy couple a happy eight month anniversary! 

[shining-starchild-blog]

Well of course not, babe. And might I say....Last night was kind of ridiculously amazing, too. Happy eight months, babe.

[badgirldaniharper]

Yeah..no drum set lying around, especially since I have no idea how to play them. Even though it would be awesome to learn though. Might need to come by when I do auditions as it would be good to have someone elses opinion.

[shining-starchild-blog]

Mmmm, I know what you mean. I might make Antoine teach me some shit when we have down time, just so I can have that nice little claim to fame while I'm at it. I'm totally down for crashing your rehearsals though. Just tell me when and where.

[badassmack-blog]

Well, I’m sorry that I can’t read your mind, because, I wish I could make this easier on you, I truly do, Ell. Have you considered writing it out? Sometimes things are harder to say then they are to write. You could also try drawing it or putting it in a song. Sometimes there’s shit I can say better in dance then I can in words, and who knows, maybe you’ll find a way to get the message across? I’m sorry about the shit advice. Candy for basic math seems to be the best way to go about it. Yeah, Captain’s learning, slowly, but, it’s progress regardless? How’s Freddie and Watson doing? I have to bring them more toys and bones next time I stop by for a visit, maybe I could send them a box or something?

Yeah, it’s called synaptop, Ashley showed it to me. It’s pretty cool. They have this app on there where you can draw with your friends too, and it can be a lot of fun,although, depending on which friend you draw with depends on whether or not the end result is safe for work. When works with you? I’m good with whenever… oh, other than Saturday! I’m hanging out with Trent.

[shining-starchild-blog]

I know, and it's okay. I'm trying to put it into my music a little but well... We'll see where that takes me. The rest definitely ain't going to happen, though. It's not shit advice, though. It's just, I dunno. I feel like I'm gunna be making a lot of analogies. I mean it's just.... Have you ever, I dunno. Gotten hurt while dancing and then frozen up when you had to do it again? Oh they're good, they're good. Admittedly Freddie's torturing Adam a little, but he's my dog and that's expected. They'll always appreciate more treats, of course, but you don't gotta send them any. I think they'll be fine either way.

Ooooh, very nice. I mean, I make no promises about anything being safe for work or even close to appropriate... But I'll totally be down for doing it whenever you're free. And we'll keep it cool if the sis is around. Umm...How's Friday for you? Or maybe Sunday?

[adamn-crawford]

Private:

[adamn-crawford]

Yeah right. I don’t think so.

I am not letting him do this, just look at it! I had to throw out some of the food.

[shining-starchild-blog]

Well you could always just put stuff that's in containers near his spot, so that he can chill there. Or just wash your fruit. That works too.

[shining-starchild-blog]

Supernova || Solo Para

Characters: Elliott Gilbert, James Mitchel, Mike Reynolds, Antoine Barrioss

Date: September 30th, 2014

Location: Antoine's Apartment

Notes: Elliott's band -Supernova- is finally complete. But now that they have a full group, it's time for them to make a battle plan.

He couldn't focus on the rest of it. Elliott was good at pretending he wasn't vulnerable, for the most part. He couldn't ignore his feelings, sure, try as he might he was still very, very human. But, at the very least he was great at avoiding them. There were too many things he couldn't do still, but most everyone he knew was unaware of that. Only a few choice people knew what he was going through or could just read him well otherwise.

The young man was drawn from his thoughts by Mike nudging their shoulders together lightly, fingers brushing over his wrist in a familiar gesture. "Still with us?" He asked quietly, voice low in Elliott's ear as he focused on the shorter man. "You're looking....spacey."

"I'm fine," Elliott flashed the other an easy smile, making himself stay in the moment, instead of lost to thought as he had been, while the subway moved through the tunnels. They were on their way to Manhattan, off to see Antoine -their new drummer- for what would be the third meeting of their band that wasn't a practice. The first two had been in the Bronx, in their apartment. But no one could deny it was a little too cramped, while Antoine actually had the luxury of room. It would be nice to have space to move, Elliott was sure of it.

"One day we're going to have a discussion on the meaning of the word 'fine'," Jamie grumbled from Mike's other side, earning a low laugh from Elliott despite himself. The duo was annoying, at times sure, but he knew they were just looking out for him. And he loved them for it.

So Elliott tucked himself more firmly against Mike, head resting on the shorter man's shoulder. The other's hand was warm in his own, and Elliott focused on that, instead of the people around them. Logic told Elliott none of them were watching him, no one had any qualms with the display of affection. But still, it was hard to remember that, and Elliott was reminded once more why he so rarely took the subway alone, lately. 

Soon enough they were at the right stop, and Elliott kept his tight grip on Mike's hand as they made their way above ground. He felt Jamie's hand on his shoulder, a strong grounding presence at his back, and Elliott relaxed as they made their way to Antoine's house, trusting his friends to help him.

A few minutes later, they'd found the apartment that Antoine shared with his girlfriend Alicia, and his daughter and Elliott ran a hand through his hair as they were buzzed up. It was tastefully decorated, with things better than he and his housemates could afford but still, he liked it. And it fit Antoine, or at least, what Elliott knew of him. 

The other greeted them easily and Elliott grinned at the other man. Tall and wide with dark skin and hair, he'd caught Elliott's attention immediately. That had only grown when Elliott realized he had tattoos which he kept hidden more often than not. He was a great fit.

And his daughter, Karry, who was hiding behind him was adorable, and always a bonus. They'd met once before, and the girl was more than happy to join Elliott when he dropped into an arm chair so that she could trace out the tattoo sleeve he had.

The group wasted no time in going over the agenda they'd established over email. This would be the first meeting of Supernova, since they'd actually named the band, and it felt like they had so much to do that it was ridiculous. Rehearsal schedules were exhausting and grueling, Three hours a day, five nights a week in Midtown was going to be heady, but it would be worth it. Maybe one day, they'd cut down when they knew each other's style better, but for now, Elliott wanted perfection.

But between that, there was so much to do that it was ridiculous. There were gigs to book, which was easier said than done when you were under the age of twenty one. Most bars were hesitant about booking bands when most of them couldn't legally drink, but Antoine was trying to call in connections. In turn, Elliott was going to do his best to see if Kurt knew anyone who needed music on Parson's campus, for either a party or to play in any cafes around campus. Jamie would be doing the same at NYU. Mike was going to get in touch with everyone back at True North, to see if they had any events where they might be willing to humor the band.

"So social media, then." The words came easily from Antoine, who was more experienced than Elliott by far in the matter. As much as he was going to be the bands frontman, it was nice to be able to draw upon that. "Twitter and Facebook are a given, obviously."

"I've got a blog," Elliott put in, "And a Youtube channel. Though I think it'll probably be best to you know... Maybe make a special one just for this."

"Agreed," Jamie was lounging against Mike on the couch as he spoke, bodies tucked comfortably together. "We'll all be sure to play it up on every personal media platform we've got. And friends, yeah?"

"Always. Even if we can't play for True North, or anywhere else with people we know, we can at least use them, right?" Mike put in, laughing a little when Karry tottered off to go get markers and color in Elliott's sleeve. He let her idly, wrist turning up, and a part of him longed to have his necklaces and bracelets, everything he once would have worn to something like this that she could have played with.

"We'll need fliers," Elliott and Antoine spoke in unison and Elliott fell silent, letting the other continue. "If people see our name enough, they'll cave in time. And even if they don't, it'll help. Every drop of publicity helps."

The conversation fell to poster design then, something that none of them had any experience with. Jamie had plans to ask a few friends, though and if he couldn't then Antoine would see about asking Alicia's friends in the matter. It was an obstacle, but a small one, and one that they could overcome easily enough.

Elliott was trying to think about all obstacles that way, honestly. Everything could be overcome with enough time and a little extra effort. It was the only way to survive, lately.

"Now about the matter of music," Antoine said after a few long moments, "I really like the songs you sent me, Elliott. But they're a little...Soft? Not what I expected," He confessed, "Very...Light, I guess. It took me by surprise as it wasn't...What you indicated you normally sing?"

"It's not," Elliott assured him easily, "I've been umm...Working through some things. Using my music to cope. And I've actually got ideas about how to make them more up our alley." He added after a moment. "But well....I need the opinion of an actual drummer to help me out? You know. If you're willing.'

"I think I can manage," Antoine said easily, "Because there's a few things on there that would make good album material, if we get our sound right."

That made everyone perk up, and Mike laughed, clapping his hands together. "And that's about all the motivation we need." He declared easily, "Thursday night we're going to own the studio." He declared with a grin, "It's gunna be phenomenal."