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hi i'm sam and welcome to my heartbreaks.

[shittysamwriting]

I haven't been on here for a long time but👉👈 i really want new penpals to get my mind off of the atress that goes along everythinf that's been happening this 2020.

I like tv series, movies, arts, and music!

Message me and let's get to know each other better 🦋

[theadventureto-be]

Seeking a friend for the end of the world?

I’ve got you covered! 

I am putting together a buddy matching system because social distancing is hard and we are all lonely.

Basically, I am anonymously matching anyone who wants a penpal (email only - no home addresses please) with another penpal!

Reblog this post and send me a message with the following info to get matched to an anonymous penpal!

Name (or pseudonym):

Email:

Interests:

Last song you listened to:

That’s it!

I’ll send you the info for your Friend For The End Of The World soon!

[shittysamwriting]

Three weeks after we’ve broken up, I’ve unconsciously gotten myself into a self-destructive hole. Drank, Smoked, Flirted with numerous men. I’ve let toxicity consume and use me – just so that I could feel less useless. I was constantly looking for a distraction, constantly looking for validation. I seeked people’s attention – finally batting an eyelash towards guys – something that I’ve never imagined myself doing. They’ve claimed that they like me, looking at me with sheer interest, eyes lingering longer than what I consider is comfortable but for once, I let them be, I let them stare and take me in to their buildings of desire. I let them use me and I loved the attention given to me. I loved that they’d bombard my inbox from eleven pm to three in the morning, just until they get tired and they’d get knocked up for sleep. It was absolute bliss for me until I had to wake up the next morning, feeling worn-out, used, and numb all at the same time. It’s the morning, I’d have to start all over again. My actions would usually slap me like a subtle whirlwind at nine thirty in the morning when I go out in the balcony, closing the door behind me and sitting down on the small, white, plastic chair that I’ve dragged in there for whenever I’d wish to just pick myself back up with a stick of cigarette lazily tucked between my index and middle finger, my neon green lighter kept inside my jacket’s pocket. I’ve built up this façade that I’m completely fine, telling my friends about my whereabouts the past few weeks, telling them about my new encounters with these new people, how I’d let these people drag me anywhere, agreeing to let them spend the night with me. I’d laugh as I tell these tales while they silently question what has been happening to me lately. I know that deep down, they think that I haven’t gotten over my past lover, that I’ve been acting so different lately as a coping mechanism. Honestly, I’m over my past lovers and I’m in the process of moving on. I may have been destroying myself, tearing myself piece per piece just so that I could find that small sense that may be lying somewhere in me but truth is, I just want to start a new. Today marks the day that I promise myself to cope differently. I’ve decided that I wouldn’t let the guys use me anymore. I’d cope in a healthy way. How? I’ve yet to discover.

same cycle, different heartbreak.

[shittysamwriting]

All these romcoms really be hitting differently when you’re newly single, huh?

[shittysamwriting]

We hoped that it would last - that we would last. I guess time was a test.  Time was also a bitch. We hoped and we held on to the thought of our future - the house, the kids, the pets, everything. We failed to hold on to us.

We lost our grip.

[shittysamwriting]

does a broken heart hurt as much as the constant reminder that i'm hard to love?

does it?

[shittysamwriting]

times like this, i'd like to think that i'm the hardest person to love.

every other week.

[shittysamwriting]

see, i'm not fazed. not at all. years of practice. i've had my heart broken a total of three times, the past four years.

you’re going to end up breaking my heart as well, huh?

[shittysamwriting]

i wouldn't want to admit it to you, even to myself, but i think i'm starting to love you with my whole heart.

and it scares me

[shittysamwriting]

We're so far from each other but it's been raining heaps lately  and we both love the rain, we both had these lazy, love-induced smiles on our faces that one night when we went home late, rain pouring in on us as we struggled to look for a temporary shelter against its harsh, yet comforting drops. Somehow, the constant raining and gloomy weather has been my comfort while we're miles away from each other's warm shelter. And then I realized, you were my shelter; you are my shelter.  May it be from the rain or from the undeniable feeling of missing you.

[shittysamwriting]

“You should’ve done that a long time ago.” You told me as I kissed you briefly, so swift, as if my lips were just a mist in the air, not daring to stay longer than a second against your lips.

I smiled, we both smiled. I got shy but you looked so cool and sure and smiley while I hung my head low, trying to cover my face with my hair.

You grabbed me by my chin eventually and I looked up at you. Not even a minute later, you were kissing me and I was floating. 

I never thought that I would let myself fall in love again.

[shittysamwriting]

Dear Viktoria,

I couldn't help but to think and talk about you as days breeze through with us being miles apart, still. 

I remember how you’d hug me, warm and inviting arms ready and welcoming and how I’d feel like such a child running up to you and letting you envelope me inside your warm presence.

I remember how you’d wave me over when I’m dressed for bed and you’re already settled atop the sheets, arms spread out and so so so inviting, a cute, lopsided smile on your face. Adorable.

I remember how you’d pull me towards you as soon as you wake up and you’d see me sitting at the edge of your bed, scrolling mindlessly through my phone. “Good morning.” You’d whisper and I’d smile and put my phone down. The simplest gesture could make me put my phone down. 

I remember how you’d look at me at night, all knowing, slightest smile on your face but still so radiating. I like looking at you like that, smallest of all small distances separating our faces as you’d lean in and I’d subconsciously bite my lip, really really craving your kisses all day.

I remember how I’d tease you whenever you’d have to get up and leave the room , how I wouldn’t let you go or even move, my arms and legs wrapped around you. You try to get out of my grip but we both secretly know that we’re both basking in how close we are currently, how we’re too fond of soaking up each other’s heat.

The way you’d look at me whenever we’re eating outside and we’re seated across from each other - we both know we’d rather seat next to each other but the waiter wasn’t up for a bargain especially during their peak hours.

I remember the subtle kisses whenever we’re outside, the hand holding and the hugs. The teasing, the laughs and the giggles. The little tantrums thrown here and there, the pinching, the biting, the irritation, and the light blushes creeping up our cheeks.

The distance truly sucks but the subtle things that I remember makes this whole distance thing bearable, somehow.

[shittysamwriting]

Dear Viktoria,

Last night, I missed you the most.

“Why were you sad last night?” You asked the morning after and I gave a half-assed response, telling you that I didn’t know, that I just all of a sudden fell into one of those moods.

You apologized, saying sorry for not being able to do anything about it.

Sorry, I wasn’t able to tell you the full truth; the fear of you thinking that I was being too clingy or dramatic swallowing me whole. 

Yesterday, I missed you the most.

Today isn’t any different.

I wish I have the instant will and courage to tell you the one hundred percent truth when it comes to my feelings, as if some stone to be kept in my pocket, ready for anytime I’d be needing it for I feel a lot of things.

I got used to bottling everything to myself. Got used to people making me feel bad for opening up and stripping myself raw. I showed them everything and they looked at me weird.

I know you’re different, hoping that you’re different.

I know you are.

I just have to continuously tell myself that it’s okay to feel.

Our feelings our valid - yours, mine, ours.

[shittysamwriting]

Is it just me but if it’s physically and mentally possible, i would rather not sleep,,, like,, at all

[shittysamwriting]

But the thing about love is that it could be both complex and simple at the same time.  Love would be so shallow yet, it could be endearingly deep at the same time. It all falls down on how you'd perceive, I guess. If love for you feels complex, you find ways to figure it out. If love feels simple, you take it as it is. If it feels shallow, you embrace it as a whole. If love to you feels deep, you'd have to be willing to swim deeper than your lungs' capacity to hold your breath in.

love is this and that but it’s mostly a whole lot of compromise. 

[shittysamwriting]

Lately,I've been thinking about maybe ditching sleep altogether, that maybe I shouldn't lay my mind to rest. I couldn't bare the blinding dreams where I hold your hand and we're together.

i just can’t.

[shittysamwriting]

But we were never meant to be and the red flags were waving, flowing freely as if telling me that I shouldn't, but I still thought that I should and I could because amidst the red flags swaying, the wind blowing seamlessly through them, I still appreciated the long standing poles that held them greatly, silently telling me all our maybes.

but maybe we’re meant to be? 61319