Constant Overthinking Zone

Started blogging at 2/22/21 | Just a teen who is struggling from overthinking. 

[important-animal-images]

[shwardfeesh]

I’d rather have cats observe me than people XD

[shwardfeesh]

16 - Hiiiii again

04/13/2023 11:55pm PST | Hey everyone. I know I haven’t been active. I’ll try to update on what happened last year.

1) K and I don’t talk anymore.

2) Got myself a mannnnnn. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

3) Finished college, but is working at 2 jobs. One of them being a super huge makeup store. Hate to say it, but sometimes the customers makes me wanna blow my head off. The ones that are curious about a product or want to know my opinion of such, those are fine, I get it. Those who act like I’m google and say shit like “Do you guys have it?/Can you check the back?/It says here that you guys have it.” LIKE SHUT UPPPPP just buy online XD

4) My anxiety and depression have been rocky, but I’m taking medication so I haven’t had any anxiety attacks lately :,)

Crazy how I started this page when I was in my late teens, trying to find a way to escape. I hope to come back here soon.

[clydeandy]

[shwardfeesh]

𝟏𝟓 - 𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐓𝐨 𝐋𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐫

2/2/22 8:27pm PST | Haven't posted on here in a fat minute. School's been great for now but I am really anxious for next week as spring semester starts. Heard that the teacher isn't nice and actually yells at us as fully grown adults. Kinda weird. I hope that I have time to finish all the work I need to do.

Really dislike how Monday's are virtual...and we still have to do things on the clock. Things like this makes me want to drop out but not yet since I am almost halfway done with the program.

My music taste has also been going on their own pathways. Been listening to more cumbia but also hardcore punk. Even some death metal. I'll post some on here when I have the chance. Talk to you in about 6 months or so haha XD

[shwardfeesh]

𝟏𝟒 - 𝑳𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝑻𝒊𝒎𝒆, 𝑵𝒐 𝑺𝒆𝒆!

7/10/21 5:10pm PST | Holy shit..it’s been almost 4 months lol but hey! I finally graduated and gonna be looking forward to my “next stage in life.” Super nervous about that.

Everything has been a rollarcoaster. I should go back to blogging. It could help me reflect to who I am as a person when I go back and read this like 5 years later lol. Made a new friend, let’s call her K. Super cool. Reminds me of myself. Reconnected with L..he hates me and I don’t blame him for it, honestly. Doesn’t matter now. I should try to enjoy my summer as much as possible before going on the next stage.

My doc is on vacation, good for him but I hate him for not telling me and having to hear it from Karina (another doc; CM) instead. See ya tomorrow.

[shwardfeesh]

𝟏𝟑 - 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐱𝐞𝐝

3/28/21 5:20pm PST | Hello everyone, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Nothing much has changed. My best friend finally contacted me. I’m finally on break now. I reactivated my account somewhere, but I had to let go a lot of things. Crazy how everyone dropped me because of someone else’s side of the story. Got “ratted out” for making my own decision. Fuck them, anyways.

Got a copycat in the mist too. The audacity this person has lol. I’m surprised that person has not contacted me. Really must’ve hated me. Damn...

[shwardfeesh]

𝟏𝟐 - 𝐒𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐲 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐝

3/16/21 9:30am PST | Woke up super groggy. Shouldn’t have stayed up last night lol. Will definitely knock out after classes since my head also hurts a bit. 

We may return to in person classes, but it is going to be more shit. A weekly covid test just to return for one day and there’s no in person teaching of any kind lol. 

Not really stressed at the moment. Just one homework assignment to do and I’m off to rest more.

[shwardfeesh]

𝟏𝟏 - 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐔𝐩

3/12/21 12:43pm PST | Well, something big happened yesterday. Two people, one that left me 6 months ago and the other about 3 months ago, came back into my life. The six month one, lets call him Kitty, opened the conversation with a game instead of apologizing. I was upset and confused. Really upset and confused. Turns out he thought that I wanted nothing to do with him. I let him back into my life because there are people who would prefer me to get rid of him. Nah.. We just have too much history together. So we caught up on what happened. The dark times, the heartache times, and the fun planning times. 

The 3 months one, lets call him Cunt lol, randomly texted me, checking in. The thing is...he took hours to respond. I don’t fucking get it. Why start a conversation if you’re gonna lag for more than 4 hours? He’s already in my life and I’m too lazy to get rid of him. 

Worked on an architecture piece yesterday about stress and calmness. I made a structure which is a piece of bubble wrap on top of 4 sticks and crumpled up colored paper. I glued the cold colored paper; green, blue and purple, under the small bubble-wrap ceiling and the warm colors; red, orange, and yellow, on top of the ceiling which is now a roof if you put something on top of it. Interesting...if you put something under a plane, it’s a ceiling but if you put something on the plane, it’s a roof. Just thought of that right now. 

Anyways, the crumpled paper under the ceiling represents my stress at school since I am doing school inside and it’s just shit. The crumpled paper on the roof represents my calmness and how I just want to get out (might be complicated since I sometimes get anxiety when I do get out). Anyways, that was cool. I’m also gonna get paid 50 bucks for being a moderator (not a discord moderator, gross) for a group conversation that’s gonna take two hours away from my Saturday. Doesn’t matter, 50 bucks is 50 bucks and I’ll try to save it this time.

[shwardfeesh]

𝟏𝟎𝐭𝐡 𝐄𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐅𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬 :𝐃

3/9/21 1:03pm PST | Damn, 10 followers on this. Thank you! Can’t believe this is already my 10th entry and yeah, I have like more than 15 posts on this blog but they’re like other stuff. 

Still felt a little sleepy. Having less homework and I’m really super happy about that. I’m practicing on some vocal stuff and I think I’m getting better at it lol. Would be cool to be in a band. 

Got excited on some new stuff! I was screaming all morning and people would hear me through the wall xD. I’m still very happy about it, which is what I need during this shit time and week/month. 

[duender-writes]

Make a friend challenge

Tag someone(s) you don't know and compliment them!

@offishwhite your art is absolutely gorgeous and I'm really glad you share it here <3

@shwardfeesh You seem like a really cool person, and I think it's incredibly brave how you've decided to share your thoughts and feelings!! I'm sorry you haven't been feeling your best recently, I hope you feel as amazing as you are soon. Have a much better tomorrow then your yesterdays have been <3

@scrumptiousloveflower You're going to find your special someone one day. Your posts touch souls and I'm glad I got to read them. (On a completely different note, your post was just "moooood")

[shwardfeesh]

Thank you so much! You’re such a kind soul <3

[shwardfeesh]

𝟗 - 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬

3/7/21 11:53pm PST | Pure headaches today. Still need to some hw today...on a Sunday. Can’t focus much. 

Today was cool, ate pizza for brunch and later joined a small meeting with friends. Very nice :). Gonna eat McDonald’s breakfast for dinner lmao. Led a group yesterday at a conference and I hate myself for messing up a lot. I skipped a whole ass question and skipped someone when we were doing rounds. I’ll get over it soon.

[shwardfeesh]

𝟖 - 𝐔𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐖𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡

3/4/21 2:20pm PST | Just finished doing a presentation on a decade from the 1900′s and holy shit did I stutter a lot. I felt like I talked too much that everyone spaced the fuck out. But at least I got that shit over with.

Still feeling burnt out. I would check the school’s website and I would see a new fucking assignment due tomorrow morning that the teacher never notified us with. “That’s how life works.” Goddamn how much I hate that quote. 

Still feel like I’m under watch. Relapsed on my drugless yet super unhealthy addiction. I shouldn't have done it, but I still need to feel something. Some weird sense of euphoria. I hope to be ‘sober’ from it soon. School is such as pain, honestly. Online school is a greater pain. 

Still.. feel under watch. I will be exposed soon. I can feel it. I’m afraid. Overthinking again? I don’t know. 

[shwardfeesh]

𝟕 - 𝐒𝐜𝐡𝐥𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐝

3/3/21 12:55pm PST | Happy March! Sorry I didn’t post in the last two days. I have been feeling really tired lately. Still nothing much to do other than I feel like I am under watch. Someone followed this blog and I can already tell that it might be someone I know. Either that or the user (it has a general person) liked the same thing as the person that I know. I still gotta watch my words..

“[Shwardfeeesh] mentioned you in her blog.” Goddamnit..imagine though. Looks like I need to come up with more code names lol. But they would be crazy if anyone I know irl or online finds out about my blog because of the user. 

Still so so close on being Friday. Conferences after conferences. Meetings after meetings. Draining the fuck out of me. At least I barely have any homework other than an exit ticket and a past homework that requires hands on work. 

Also just noticed that my break is going to be in the last week of March. Like c’mon man. I have the feeling that the week is going to go by super fucking quick. Anyways, gotta go. Another class and then I’ll finally be free in like 2 hours and 30 minutes ;-;.

[shwardfeesh]

𝟔 - 𝐒𝐓𝐅𝐔 𝐒𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐲

2/28/21 6:25pm PST | Got the title inspired by the “STFU!” by Rina Sawayama. I’ll post the song after this lol.

Period isn’t fun like always. Looks like I’m going to Hot Topic next week lol. Still trying to debate on what specifically I should get. Accessories? Clothes? More pins? Eh, whatever is the cheapest. I remember I once saw pins being sold for like 5 bucks at Knotts but they’re not even enamel.

I forgot to mention that a friend got me a present two days ago. So fucking cool and it’s an album (I can’t say the group because I can be caught who I am based on my interests but the hints are 12 - pink green blue). Yeah, I’ll definitely be exposed soon lol. But anyways, there are three versions of the album and I thought that he was going to get me one of them but he got me all three! My face was literally like the Scream painting.

I am so happy. I know exactly to get him. Honestly, those who say “you don’t have to get me anything back” definitely want something back in return lolllll.

Anyways, still got shit hw to do so see you all tomorrow :)

[shwardfeesh]

𝟓 - 𝐁𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐁𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐁𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐝

2/27/21 6:23pm PST | Sorry I didn’t post anything in the last two days. Just been trying to catch up on work. Luckily Saturday is my only day “off”.

Nothing much happened when I was inactive. Just tried going on Omegle. Never doing that shit again lol. Got skipped way too many times ;-;.

My grades came in. All A’s! Tomorrow, I’m going to Hot Topic to treat myself woot woot. I’m pretty sure that is the only place I can go to that isn’t cancelled (Dolls Kill) or that is sustainable (unlike any fast fashion) for alt clothes. Gonna rejoin my emo phase lollll.

Gonna hate tomorrow. I have some character map to do and a powerpoint as well as painting a box for a project. I wish I can have the whole weekend off..

[shwardfeesh]

Currently obsessed with this song, holy shit. 

[shwardfeesh]

𝟒 - 𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬

2/24/21 5:58am PST (edited on 9:01am PST) | I shouldn’t be awake at this hour. Had to sleep early because of a shit migraine I got, making my head pulse and and my stomach twisting. ”Have you ever tried sleeping early?” is literally the worst and dumbest thing you can ask someone who is an insomniac. It’s the same as “have you ever tried quitting?” to an addict. Jesus Christ..

Not looking forward today since I got a lot of work to do. English teacher posted a short assignment which is two questions relating to the Crucibles. Honestly, I regret putting it as a suggestion and I’m sure many other too. Reading the play is fucking tiring. The movie is also way better to understand since Arthur Miller was in charge of screenplay. It was better if we watch the play instead for fucks sake lol.

Still wondering how El is holding up. I hope he’s okay but I’m sure he dislikes, maybe hate, me. I understand. But if I come back with a shit ton of backlash, then I will literally disappear off of the face of the earth lol.