And now the 5 Acts of Hamlet, the Mad Prince of Denmark, and his rendition of the Cell Block Tango
ALL HAMLETS:
He had it comin
He had it comin
He only had himself to blame
If you’d’ve been there
If you’d’ve seen it
I betcha you would’ve done the same
ACT 3 SCENE 4 HAMLET:
You know how people have these little habits that get you down?
Like…Polonius
Polonius liked to snoop around – no not snoop – spy
So I was talking to my mother in her closet, speaking daggers to her but using none
And there’s Polonius, behind the arras, crying out for help and snooping – no not snooping – spying
And so I said to him, I said: “How now? A rat”
And there was. So I took my rapier from its sheath and stabbed through the curtain
Dead for a ducat, dead
ALL HAMLETS:
He had it comin
He had it comin
He was a foolish prating knave
If you’d’ve been there
If you’d’ve heard it
I betcha you would’ve done the same
ACT 3 SCENE 1 HAMLET:
I met Ophelia in Elsinore about two years ago
I could see she was fair, and we hit it off right away
So I started sending her letters
“Doubt stars are fire
Doubt the sun move
Doubt truth be liar
Never doubt I love”
And then I found out.
Honest she told me
Never believe it!
Not only did she return my remembrances, she conspired with my incestuous uncle and her foolish father to spy on me
So while I was in the lobby I confronted her, I told her to get herself to a nunnery
You know, some girls just can’t handle rejection
ALL HAMLETS:
She had it comin
She had it comin
She was a heartless columbine
Because she used me, and she abused me
But was it madness or suicide?
ACT 2 SCENE 2 HAMLET:
Now I’m moping around the castle, reading some old book, minding my own business, when in comes Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
“Were you not sent for?” I said. They were deceiving me! So I kept insisting, “If you love me, hold not off”
ACT 5 SCENE 2 HAMLET:
They are not near my conscience
Their defeat does by their own insinuation grow
ALL HAMLETS:
If you’d’ve been there
If you’d’ve seen it
I betcha you would’ve done the same
ACT 5 SCENE 2 HAMLET
That bloody, bawdy villain
Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain
Mine uncle
He killed my father, whored my mother, took my crown
He even tried to send me away to England to have my head struck off ere they grind the axe
My father’s ghost bade me to revenge his foul and most unnatural murder…
ACT 2 SCENE 2 HAMLET:
Yes, but did you do’t?
ACT 5 SCENE 2 HAMLET:
Well, eventually
ACT 5 SCENE 1 HAMLET
My friend, Horatio and I were hanging out in the graveyard
Having a little banter with a gravedigger
Now, we were near the last Scene in the final Act, and I was feeling my mortality
As I held the skull of poor Yorick, I pondered the inevitable fate of Man with my long-suffering companion
And just then a funeral procession came upon us
“Soft a while,” I said as we hid ourselves and watched the maimed rites
I noted that the corpse did fordo its own life and was of some estate
What? The fair Ophelia?
And there’s Laertes leaping into my lover’s grave – outfacing me
Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out, I can’t remember a thing
It wasn’t until later, when I was preparing for a duel with Laertes, I realized I leapt in there with him
ALL HAMLETS:
He had it comin
He had it comin
He had it comin all along
I didn’t do it, but if I’d done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
He had it comin
He had it comin
He had it comin all along
(Pardon me, sir, I’ve done you wrong)
I didn’t do it, but if I’d done it
(I am but punished, with sore distraction)
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
HAMLET:
I loathe myself more than I can possibly say
My father was a paragon of man, Hyperion, now a ghost
I swore for him a swift revenge
But by some craven scruple I lapsed
And in my dullness
Sent poor Polonius and Ophelia to their graves
I guess you could say I failed in every possible way
My life isn’t worth a pin’s fee
I’m better off dead
ALL HAMLETS:
A peasant slave, slave, slave, slave, slave!
A peasant slave, slave, slave, slave, slave!
I had it comin
I had it comin
I had it comin all along
I feel the augur
Yet I defy it
I say the readiness is all
We had it comin
We had it comin
We only have ourselves to blame
If you’d’ve been there
If you’d’ve seen it
I betcha you would’ve done the same
