"or pronounced the same as âshâ, as in âmachineâ." Sharon, immortal ferryman of the dead
It had only been a week, thought Hades. One sodding week. And really, wasnât that just the kicker? Heâd had the gall - no, the audacity - to take one whole week off work, and this was what he got in return. Seven days of sunning himself in the Bahamas, trying to take his mind off the constant wails of the dead, and this was the price. A golden tan that would be the envy of Zeus and Aphrodite for weeks to come, and this.
The woman cleared her throat, shifting her weight in the boat so that it rocked on the river Styx in an ominous manner.Â
âThatâll be one coin, love,â she said, disinterestedly inspecting what looked like a broken gemstone on one of her pink nails.Â
âRight,â said Hades, âthereâs a problem with that. Two, actually.â
The woman sighed, pushing a hand through pristine platinum hair in agitation. âLook, if you donât have the fee, then - â
âNo, itâs not that,â Hades interrupted. âItâs - look, can I speak to Persephone about this?â
The woman frowned and folded her arms. Her bangles jingled as she did so. âNo coin, no voyage across the Styx into the realm of the dead,â she said. âI can call Persephone, but I donât think sheâll appreciate it, to be honest. Sheâs got an appointment.â
Hades inhaled, counted to five, and exhaled again. He could see his breath in the cold underground air. âAn appointment.â
âYes,â the woman affirmed, nodding. âSomething to do with her husband coming home, wanting to surprise him with some new hairstyle. I hear heâs been basking in warmer climes, left her to do all the housekeeping and then some. Itâs all right for some, innit?â
Hades cleared his throat. âYes, well,â he said, abashed. âHe does have quite a busy job, I think. He hasnât taken time off in about four centuries.â
âI donât even get a lunch break,â the woman countered, pursing her lips, which, Hades noticed, were painted a rather odd shade of frosted pink. âThe dead wait for no man. Or woman. Or sandwich and a little sit down, apparently.â
âThatâs terribly unfortunate,â Hades agreed. âBut you see, the person who usually does your job - and where is he, by the way? - he doesnât actually need to eat.â
The woman frowned. âWe canât all be Kate Moss.â
âI donât even know who that is,â Hades sighed. âBut I really do need to speak to Persephone, because I donât have any money on me at all. I donât carry change.â
The woman nodded sympathetically. âSee,â she said, âIâve been hassling Persephone to get one of those card machines. Contactless payment, thatâs the best thing really, but just a normal credit card thing would be fine. No-one carries cash any more, do they? Not unless they need to scratch off the little bit on a scratch card, and honestly, I think thatâs a dying market and all. Itâs all online, innit?â
Hades blinked. The woman stared up at him, waiting for an answer to what Hades was only now realising was a genuine question.Â
âYes,â he offered meekly, and the woman beamed.Â
âSee, I knew I was onto something,â she said. She gestured towards the front of the boat, which sagged somewhat sadly forwards with the shift in weight. âIt could go there, you see? Then, all the people could queue up and it would be a much more efficient process.â She hummed. âIâm wasted as a psychopomp, honestly. Customer service was always my fortĂŠ. That and nail art.â
Again, the wait. The eager stare. Hades thought about death.
The woman grinned again, apparently delighted. Then, pretending to stealthily look around, she leaned closer to Hades, and began speaking in a stage whisper.Â
âLook,â she said. âThe boss wonât like this much, but what he doesnât know wonât hurt him, right?â
âTechnically correct,â agreed Hades, because it was.Â
âSo,â the woman continued, âIâll let you across this time, free of charge, on the condition that if youâre ever saved from this realm by one of those do-gooder hero types, you pay the fee twice on your return. Deal?â
âDeal,â said Hades, âalthough I have to warn you that itâs very unlikely that any hero will ever try and save me.â
âYou never know,â the woman said, steering the boat closer to the shore so that Hades could step on board. âWe get all sorts rescued from down here. Just two days ago, I managed to stop this pair of teenagers. Trying to keep their love eternal, they said. Bollocks to that, I said. No love is eternal. Just ask my friend Janet, I said; she was married twice. Love of her life, Jason was, until he fucked off to Malaga with bloody Helen, of all people. Pete wasnât much better. Treated her like a princess, he did, until she lost her job at the insurance agency and - â
âI think weâre here,â said Hades politely as the boat drew closer towards the shore of the opposite bank, and the woman stopped.Â
âYouâre right,â she said. âWe are. Time flies, doesnât it?â
âIn temporally disconnected otherworlds, generally,â Hades said, and stepped out of the boat and straight into Persephone.Â
âHello dear,â she said, giving him a peck on the cheek, once she had disentangled her poncho from his kilt. âDid you have a nice time?â
âYour hair is green,â Hades replied, and Persephone grinned, making Hadesâ heart flutter like he was an extra in Teen Wolf.Â
âDo you like it?â she asked.Â
âI am going to show you exactly how much I like it,â Hades replied, thinking of the tub of cream cheese hidden under his bed, âas soon as you tell me where the Hades Charon has got to.â
âOh,â said Persephone, frowning. âI gave him the week off. He hasnât had a day off in four hundred years, you see, so I said he could take that trip to Atlantis that heâs always wanted to take. I didnât tell him that Google Maps seemed to suggest that he might have a hard time finding a Travel Lodge there, or at least one without an excessively large indoor swimming pool.â
âI love you immeasurably,â said Hades, âbut who is this woman?â
âSharon,â said the woman, doing a dainty little finger wave. âHiya.â
âOh,â said Hades. âThat name canât be a coincidence. Are you related to Charon, by any chance? Great niece? Great great great granddaughter? Aunt?â
âI just picked her because I thought it was funny, to be honest,â said Persephone.Â
âI worked really hard on my CV,â protested Sharon.Â
âShe doesnât even get lunch breaks,â said Hades.Â
âI havenât had a day off in five and a half months,â said Persephone.Â
âI quit,â said Sharon. "Iâm leaving this boat here and Iâm going back to the salon. I got a coffee break there, at least. All this psychopomp stuff is doing my nut in.âÂ
With that, she stormed off, leaving a trail of muddy heel prints behind her.
As the sound of her footsteps quietened down, Hades and Persephone looked at the empty boat, bobbing morosely on the velvet waters of the Styx. Devoid of the dead or the living, it really did just look like a normal boat; wooden slats for seats, a woodworm rotted prow, one oar missing. It hardly screamed âvessel of the deadâ.
âWe should get a card machine,â said Hades.Â
âOh my god, I know, right?â said Persephone.