Bad Dreams

Listen. My parents suck, My fiancé died, I’m trying to date again, I’m pretty sure I have cavities, and my cats don’t respect my sleep. 🌟🌟🌟 Life is bad sometimes and I’m going to put it here like some weird journal for you sick fucks to read, if you want. 🤷‍♀️

[simply2anxious]

Today on: REMEMBERING CHILDHOOD INJURIES

Allergies. Lactose intolerance. Hives. Gastrointestinal distress.

If it had anything to do with getting an itchiness in my mouth to hives on my face and arms, my mom would say “our genes don’t get allergies” “no one in the family has allergies” “you’re just faking it” “you don’t have allergies”. Luckily, my allergies weren’t ever drastic but sometimes they caused my body to go into turmoil and I’d be stuck in the bathroom for a loooong time.

Which brings me to the worst of the symptoms of allergies and lactose intolerance. If it had anything to do with the grossness that came out of my rear end, my mom wanted nothing to do with it. She’d call me disgusting and make me feel shame for something I couldn’t control.

I had no idea I had allergies and lactose intolerance until after I moved out of my parents home. And all I can think of, is my parents putting a glass of milk with my dinner every night until I was in high school. Completely oblivious to the pain I had nightly afterwards. It wasn’t as if I could hide it either.

[simply2anxious]

Today on: REMEMBERING CHILDHOOD INJURIES

Anyone else have those debilitating sicknesses as a kid? I felt wrong and I spoke up and I told my parents about it. And they said “I was just looking for attention” or “you just want to get out of going to [place]”

Yeah... one time, it took me projectile barfing—in front of my grandparents—for my parents to keep me home. If I barfed in the toilet like a should’ve, I would’ve gone to school the next day just like the other times.

Now I catch myself treating my health the way they did when I was younger; like if I just had the will and fortitude, it will go away and I can go back to ignoring symptoms. Which now, I know is bad.

I ignored heart palpitations and chest pain until I moved out of my parents house cus when I told them about it, they said to stop doing whatever I did to cause it. If I didn’t have my fiancé at the time to worry over me, I wouldn’t think it was actually a serious thing.

[simply2anxious]

Today on: REMEMBERING CHILDHOOD INJURIES

I used to be vocal. About everything. I was sharing the new stuff I learned with my parents and family. And when I had a question, I asked my parents.

Then around age 7 or so, my mom (and only my mom—my dad hardly minded me) started cutting me off to say awful things.

“STOP!” “You’re being anNOYing” “I want to hear silence” “stop TALKing” “Can’t you see I’m having a talk with someone else?”

So I’d wait, I’d stay nearby where she could see me so she knew I wanted to say something to her. Sometimes she made me wait so long I’d forget what I was going to say, or she forgot I was waiting, or the funny moment had passed. Sometimes in the car, in the back seat, I’d wait for her and my dad to stop talking. And I’d wait, and wait, until there was a pause and I’d launch into a conversation with her. And she’d say more often than not “I wasn’t done talking with (other person)” “you’re being annoying”

Gradually, I stopped. I stopped talking with my own mother. My dad only made excuses for her. I stopped talking with him too. They didn’t want to hear what I had to say. They wanted me to be seen and not heard.

It hurt but I moved forward with a loving fiancé who encouraged me to speak often before he passed away.

My mom, from time to time, still wonders aloud why we aren’t that close and why I don’t call or text first.

[simply2anxious]

In all my dreams, the audio is mostly like I’m underwater so I can’t hear what they’re saying but sometimes I can read their lips, or get the basic thing they’re saying spoken in my mind to understand them. Weird and frustrating.

So anyways, this one time soon after my fiancé passed away, I had a dream of him. Just him with light and a hazy mist surrounding us. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make out what he said to me nor have a proper visual on him. I knew it was him, but it was like the visage of him was as if I was looking at him underwater without goggles. WEIRD and FRUSTRATING.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: if anyone wants to get me in touch with a medium, I’d be open.

[simply2anxious]

27 y/o Me: (sets boundaries with parents and bluntly speaks up when they’re being mean/insulting and not adhering to my boundaries)

Mom: you’re narcissistic and selfish. I can’t accept the disrespect you give me.

Dad: you need to understand that your mom doesn’t mean the things she says. Besides, we’re the parents so we deserve respect from you on that basis alone.

Me: Please be clear so that I can understand why you have issues with my boundaries and we can work on this.

Parents: you need to understand our subtext even though it changes constantly.

[simply2anxious]

Today on: REMEMBERING CHILDHOOD INJURIES

Your parents ever drag you everywhere?

As a confirmed introvert with some kind of ADHD (undiagnosed at the time), I would beg and plead to stay home. But, huge family meant lots of events, meant parents weren’t gonna show up kid-less, meant I was forced every time. Even if I still had a mountain of homework to do.

I remember telling my parents every excuse. I used the legite ones first. Homework and anxiety. The homework excuse was typically received the worst even if it was absolutely true. “Why isn’t it done already?” “What have you been doing this whole time?”. I could have mountains of homework and my parents would complain that I was going slow on purpose.

But the one that hurt more, the anxiety reason was brushed away. “Oh they’re family so what do you have to be anxious about?” “You have no reason to be” “just let it go and not think about it”.

Even when I was clearly old enough to take care of myself, I wasn’t allowed to stay home because “what’s the rest of the family going to think if you don’t go?”. As if my peace of mind wasn’t as important as the negative perceptions of other people. Not even one time.

I’m not saying my parents didn’t care about my well-being but... How fucked is it that my happiness and peace of mind was ALWAYS last on their list of things to care about.

[thatcreature]

it’s one thing to hope your child turns out a certain way; it’s another thing entirely to shape their world so rigidly that they grow up feeling more like a character in your story than their own person.

[simply2anxious]

Oh my god. I feeeeeeel thiiiiiis.

[lordofseagulls]

[simply2anxious]

Lol my mom quit therapy with me cus I set boundaries and she said “this is disrespect” and how she doesn’t feel safe from me. Wtf

[simply2anxious]

Therapy is like finally breathing.

Under water.

There’s a whole new clarity to things that we’re always there and you just never went to understand it until you had help.

[simply2anxious]

Today on: REMEMBERING CHILDHOOD INJURIES.

Does anyone else not really care for birthdays cus one of your own celebrations from childhood was ruined by your parents?

Mines not really that entertaining, but it was supposed to be like, my 11th birthday and my parents were threatening to cancel it cus I was doing horrible in homework for school. Suffice to say, I worked hard to up my homework. Then it was canceled cus I “talked back”.

I guess they were always gonna cancel it? And they didn’t care for what reason? Idk. Anyways, my grandparents had to step in and yell at my parents for doing that.

I ended up having my birthday, but I never cared about them in any meaningful way since. They’re impermanent fixtures and I can’t rely on people in my life to make me feel special. And that doubt erases the joy that day used to bring.

[simply2anxious]

I look for him—my fiancé—Usually when I’m home alone.

I’m binge watching tv and I turn my head to look at my cats and my eyes are pulled further to the hallway or the bathroom. And I think I’m going to see him there.

I keep his favorite candy in the freezer the way he did because sometimes I pretend he’s going to come back and he’s going to need it.

Today I said his name for myself to hear and it felt so strange. I should be saying it every single day if he were still alive.

Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. And sometimes it’s all incomprehensible.

[simply2anxious]

I wonder if my parents ever think about my existence in terms of: maybe I started something I should’nt’ve.

I know they love me. But cmon. *I* can see they have no business raising a kid. Maybe caring for a baby before they know better. But not past that.

[simply2anxious]

You ever feel like the dog a couple had cus the relationship was running dry?

Told to speak when spoken to. Have zones where you’re supposed to be and no where else. Yelled at for a disproportionate offense. They give you the most attention when you’re a puppy. They show you off and give you almost real loving attention when other people are around. Treated as a nuisance most of the rest of the time even if I’m trying to tell them something serious. And they don’t want to do things I enjoy, even if they’re simple.

Weird. But sounds about right.

[simply2anxious]

There was a time where I was so low. It was right after my fiancé died. Work only gave me a week of bereavement so I was back at it before I felt ready. But I needed the money.

I was driving home after work, and I thought about driving off the side of the freeway overpass. The high speed plus the height should do the trick. But then I thought of the strangers I could inadvertently hurt in the process. So, to distract myself, I called up my dad to ask him if we could hang out sometime soon. I hadn’t seen him in a while.

I felt like crying the entire phone call because my fiancé is dead and it. Just. Wasn’t. Fair.

I told my dad that I wanted to release some energy. Maybe we could go to a Break Room or the batting cages like when I was in middle school. He said he was sorry but he couldn’t cus he had school work. He was trying to complete his college degree that he had to put on hold for 20+ years cus I was born. I told him that was fine but to just call me and we could plan something.

That weekend. That very same weekend. I saw posts of him and my mom out drinking and enjoying their free time. I didn’t receive a call. I didn’t get a text. I didn’t even register on his radar.

That’s when I realized: my parents have this double standard. They don’t care for spending time with me. They only care about me spending time with them. They only care when it’s on their terms and with what they want to do.

I was alone. Profoundly.

[simply2anxious]

In therapy, my mother told me to “let it go” because “it’s on [me]” and she can’t be held responsible for the way I feel and she said she was “sorry but, [she’s] only human. And [she’s] the parent and can make decisions on [my] behalf” regarding how she continues to treat me. Specifically when I tell her she’s doing something that’s hurting my relationship with her.

Well now she’s cancelled therapy together cus I’m disrespectful and she “raised me better than that”. She says she deserves the respect of a parent because I’m the kid.

She can pretend my feelings are worth less than her status as mother, but that’ll just leave her with one less kid.

[simply2anxious]

When my fiancé died, I had a dream of him.

It was of him with a light behind him. Clouds or a mist all around us. I could almost see his face. It was like we had a bad connection. His voice was difficult to understand and his visage would be hard to focus on. I don’t remember what he said anymore, and I think my failing memory is what hurts the worst.

The weirdest part is I had NEVER had dreams of people I know in the real world. And in the 7 years we were together, that was the first dream I ever had with him in it.

[simply2anxious]

I just annoyed my boyfriend into coming to me in the next room. Just so I can ask him to make me some coffee *with love* 😍

He was angry coming into the room, then annoyed, then left the room.

I can smell coffee brewing 😂