I’ve literally had the worst week. I thought I had covid, had to take 4 days off work whilst I waited for test results which eventually came back negative after getting an inconclusive. I was then diagnosed with a lung infection. I called my work and told them I can come back as I’m not contagious and they told me to get a return to work form from my doctor before I came back. So I booked an appointment for the next day, went to my doctor, was told I had high blood pressure and asthma too but that they can’t give me a return to work form as I was never signed off I was just following government guidelines.
I get out of the doctors and I have a phone call from my work, where I begin to tell my manager hey, I just got out of the GP and I’m coming right now to see you. She stopped me talking to tell me that actually, I was fired. Told me not to bother going in.
I have bpd so the fatal blow this would cause anyone was heightened by 10 and so I went instantly into a manic episode and took my £45 to the pub, had a few drinks and then returned home but not before I went to the shop and bought a bottle of vodka. I got home and got very drunk, cried and cried and had a breakdown on the phone to the crisis team who literally said “we care, but we do have a very long queue of other people needing help so we are going to have to keep this short”.
Ended up drunkingly ordering a pizza with the last of my money and crashed out after eating it. I woke up feeling like shit obviously but it was more than just the hangover; I recognised it straight away. I suddenly didn’t want to talk to anyone. Didn’t want to read a book. Tiktok didn’t interest me. Nothing. I stayed at home in bed for 3 days with the lights off and the blinds down and just stared at the wall. I didn’t eat, partly because I had no motivation to get out of bed but also I couldn’t even if I wanted to because I had no money.
The rest of the week has been much the same. My infection isn’t getting any better and I’ve not ate for 5 days now. The days are blending in together. I walked past a mirror yesterday and didn’t recognise the person looking back at me. I tried to call my mum to ask if she could make me some dinner yesterday, to which she said no, and I tried again tonight but I got the same answer. She made sure to send me a photo of her dinner to me though.
It’s like 6:30pm now, and about 20 minutes ago I suddenly felt extremely sick and ended up throwing up, and it was pure red. With what I assume could be blood clots as there were dark red/black lumps there too.
I don’t know what’s happening to me but I’ve pissed everyone off by being ill, losing my job and asking for food so now I don’t have anyone left to call or ask. But I’ve lost all care now.
I’m going to be homeless AGAIN at the end of this month because I lost my job and won’t be able to pay rent. Which means I’ll have to move back to my mums and endure all that entails; gaslighting, verbal abuse, physical abuse, being in the house I was SA in…everything. I feel like I’ve been wandering around the country for years looking for home, somewhere I feel safe. And every time I think I find it, it turns sour. I don’t think there will ever be a place that I belong.
I don’t know where I’m going with this really but I needed to get it out.
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